<p>One of my BFF’s H has recently received a rather grim prognosis and it appears she will soon be planning a funeral service. He was married in another life, had children with the ex, went through a very bitter divorce, etc, etc. He has been married to my friend for just over 25 years. The ex has not remarried, remains very bitter, doesn’t miss an opportunity to ‘bad-mouth’ him/my BFF. We (a close circle of her friends) are worried that the former wife (who I’ve not met, but lives nearby) will make a scene at the funeral–something a grieving widow clearly doesn’t need. BFF has mentioned the bitterness of the ex to us on several occasions and even quipped that the ex wouldn’t miss the chance to ‘slug’ her once more, when she is ‘down’. I didn’t know her/them in ‘that other life’ and don’t know the circumstances surrounding the breakup. </p>
<p>I’m wondering if anybody here has experience/thoughts on what she/we can do to smooth things over…We are a close group, get together monthly and expect that she will bring this topic up for discussion soon. We often use each other as sounding boards and have been able to assist each other with various dilemmas over the years…Not sure how one goes about banning somebody from a funeral service, but that would be my vote! Thanks in advance for any help offered.</p>
<p>You are worried about an ex making a scene and you want to smooth things over? Not the exact same thing but a similar thing happened to me.</p>
<p>IMO - someone needs to intervene to protect your BFF, preferable a male. Decide if she should be allowed to attend and behave or tell her in advance that her presence is not welcome. Two designated males need to be vigilant and prepared to remove her if she shows uninvited or begins to get out of control.</p>
<p>Does the ex know that her former husband is terminal? Do any of the current wife’s friends know the ex or the kids? 25 years is a very long time and it is quite possible that perception and reality would be different in light of the situation of a funeral. It’s possible that the kids, assuming they are now adults, can help with the planning and build a temporary bridge between the two wives especially if they have been close with their father. I can’t imagine what kind of “scene” could occur. This might also be a point in time where being inclusive as opposed to exclusive might help the entire situation. Weddings and funerals are times where agreeing to set aside differences seem to work best but someone needs to make the first move.</p>
<p>Yes, but how would his kids feel if their mom is banned? It seems any parent might want to be there for their kids when they are at the funeral for the other parent just to support them in a difficult time, even if there was acrimony.</p>
<p>I was thinking along the same lines as momofthreeboys. The adult children from marriage#1 would police their mother’s behavior. If it seems that all parties can’t be amicable around each other, a private viewing time can be arranged for the ex when the widow is not present.</p>
<p>We had a sort of similar situation for my brother’s funeral. In this case, the woman knew she was not welcome. We had a couple of big, muscular guys keeping an eye out for her at the visitation and watching at the funeral. They would have escorted her right out of the visitation if she had shown up, but only from the funeral if she was causing a problem. Showing one of the few flashes of common sense ever, she didn’t show for either… but we found out later that she had rented a room right across from the funeral room, so could watch everyone come and go from the visitation.</p>
<p>Good luck. Best hope is that the ex, if she’s been badmouthing him for 25 years, will choose not to attend. But because they have children together, she is likely to feel obliged.
Pray she shows class, sits in the back, leaves early,etc. Otherwise, I think it is a good idea to have two men who are aware of the situation be ready as “escorts” if she should cause a disturbance.</p>
<p>I’ve seen a few of these funeral (and wedding) situations with hard feelings all around. (H’s siblings still not speaking to each other 3 years after his dad’s funeral. . .)There is no way to make it comfortable for everyone. Often there are folks who feel they have a duty to attend a funeral–it would “look bad” if they didn’t show up–and there is no way to avoid conflict-- even if there is no “scene,” the conflict is boiling under the surface.</p>
<p>I’d assign a couple of close friends to stand by and insulate the friend, and I’d assign a couple of other close friends to keep an eye out for the ex and make sure that she’s kept out of earshot of the widow. Make sure that these “bouncers” are the kind of people that emanate tact and grace (let’s stand over here by the cookies, shall we?), not necessarily the biggest, burliest guys you can find (though have a few of those know what’s going on in case of disaster)… Things will go smoothly.</p>
<p>I second aibarr suggestion. A friend of mine used that approach successfully at his son’s funeral. (Me, the current girlfriend, did not attend to respect the wishes of his exwife, as she was grieving the loss of her son. His past girlfriend, on the other hand, didn’t quite understand the grieving father’s pleas to not show up…Friends were instructed to play buffer.)</p>
<p>Your BFF should not come between him and his grown kids, or between his grown kids and their mother. He is their father. She chose to marry a man who had been previously married and already had children. They may want their mother there, they may not. Leave it up to them and say nothing.</p>
<p>Having one or two tactful and resourceful people clued in in case the former wife misbehaves is a good idea, but don’t borrow trouble.</p>
<p>Consolation, I’m not sure I agree with you. As there is such bad blood, shouldn’t she should have the right to ask the kids (now grown) to tell their mother to stay away, if it would be too stressful for the new widow? She will be burying her husband of over 25 years! His life before their marriage isn’t relevant. I don’t understand your point re: coming between her husband and his children. Are you saying she should sit with the family to be near her children as they mourn their father? I think that’s asking too much. I’m all for taking the high road, but that’s asking way too much.</p>
<p>No. The children are losing their father, I don’t care how old the children in question are. It would be horribly insensitive, not to mention classless, to ask that of the children. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>What a horrible thing to say about the time in his life that produced his children.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>If the children want their mom to sit with them, then that’s what will happen. </p>
<p>If someone is interested in making sure that their partners funeral is all about their needs, then they should marry someone with no children. It’s really that simple.</p>
<p>We are the sum of all of our experiences. Our lives don’t attain relevance only after we’ve married for the last time. The children were there before the second wife, so their feelings should be considered. If they want their mother there, I think that should be respected. If wife #1 cannot or will not behave, then that’s another issue. However, I cannot imagine what kind of “scene” she would create. In any case, the kids probably have the best feel for how she would behave, so again, I believe their feelings should certainly be taken into consideration.</p>
<p>Well, I should have expected the moralizing, but I’m still taken aback by those who see things so cut and dried!</p>
<p>Suppose I see things through my BFF’s eyes because I care about her and want to do what I can to make her life a bit easier. She has ‘their’ children to consider as well. I realize blended families are challenging in this regard, but rarely are things simple, as stated in the previous post. My friend isn’t a mean person, it’s just that the ex has been such a thorn in her side for the entire marriage and she is truly afraid of the scene the ex might cause. </p>
<p>This situation illustrates the importance of discussing our preferences regarding a memorial service. I hope my BFF can have such a conversation with her H. My parents have their own services all planned out, even which hymns they’d like to have us sing. Very helpful. </p>
<p>Thanks for the helpful suggestions and the constructive discussion, but I could do without the moralizing. :-)</p>
If this is true then this woman should not be allowed to the funeral. seriously.
Sorry but the widow gets to bury her husband and decide on the funeral arrangements - not the ex-wife.
If this is true then the ex-wife may be mentally ill. Perhaps the children from the first marriage don’t want her there.
The current wife should probably sit down with all the children (including those from the first marriage) and decide what to do. It is always better to be prepared than to be caught off guard.</p>