<p>My take on it is that any reaching out to the ex is an invitation for her to come in and disrupt any plans just to be spiteful. I’d keep communications with her to a minimum and maybe she’ll decide not to attend. If she does attend, do what others have recommended to keep any scene from happening.</p>
<p>For those of you who can’t imagine what kind of a scene the ex could create, I say thank your lucky stars you do not know someone that could be totally out of control and vindictive literally to the death. I have to say that I do know an ex who is capable of just about anything, and nothing would be unimaginable in any context (including being drunk in her daughter/grandchild’s delivery room), but lets not get too graphic. I agree with post #19 above. </p>
<p>Rutgersmama, I am sorry for your friend, and her family. It is her right to bar the ex-wife from the funeral, and to use any kind of security force that is legal (assuming that her husband’s wishes are the same as hers). She can support her children without being at the funeral. I would not say one single word to the ex wife about any of it. It really is no business of hers with the current spouse. The husband can tell his children what he expects in that regard (assuming that he is in agreement with the current wife.) Of course if the husband is not in agreement, then it may likely be a problem for your friend.</p>
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<p>I don’t think you can reasonably bar someone from attending a funeral… It’s not like a wedding, where you send out invitations…</p>
<p>There may not even <em>be</em> trouble. Telling the ex to stay away from the funeral would put a ton of stress on the kids, a ton of stress on the ex, and might make the widow feel better, IF the ex decides not to show, but has the potential to start a fight that the widow doesn’t have the energy to deal with. The ex sounds pretty spiteful, though.</p>
<p>I really think the best course of action in this case is to hope she doesn’t show and have a quiet plan in place for people to insulate all the parties–the widow, the ex, the kids-- with care, compassion, and consideration, and for a couple of ‘bouncers’ alerted to the possibility of conflict in the unlikely case that things escalate so that the ex can be firmly but quietly removed from the premises. Tell the widow and the kids that they don’t need to worry about it, that there’s a plan in place and that everyone will be taken care of with all possible love and respect.</p>
<p>If I were BFF, I would probably send a polite note to the ex-wife, giving her the prognosis and letting her know that BFF joins her in support of the children from the first marriage as they are losing their father. I might even solicit any ideas of hymns or such she thinks the children might want at the funeral.</p>
<p>In other words, I would be setting expectations that OF COURSE it will be a serene event so the children are not made uncomfortable by added stress on such a sad day.</p>
<p>anothermom2, I guess you’ve met my mother. But the funeral will be in a church or funeral home, right? So there will be a funeral director or pastor or someone, and an organized ceremony…a receiving line…and then everyone goes home. Who comes to your friend’s home with her afterward is her own business. If the ex is deranged enough (and its true, some people are) to disrupt the ceremony-- it’s unfortunate but I do think she should have the right to be there, and your friend will be surrounded by people who love her. After the ceremony, the ex will have to go her way, with her own friends, and mourn as she will. And your friend can have a gathering at her own home (or yours, for that matter), where she’ll feel safe to grieve.</p>
<p>May I suggest that your friend call in the local hospice organization. They have social workers and chaplains with lots of experience in this as death often brings out the best and worst in people. </p>
<p>I agree with the other poster who said to get the husband’s input while he is still alive. It is a sad and stressful time so I would concentrate my energies on caring and loving my husband while he was here and not worry about the funeral.</p>
<p>Unless it’s a private funeral with immediate family only and no public visitation time, there’s no way to forbid this woman from showing up. And as others have pointed out, her children may desperately want her there as they grieve the loss of their dad.</p>
<p>I’d ditto the suggestion to have a couple of tactful friends deputized to keep an eye on the malicious ex and escort her out of the room if she gets out of line.</p>
<p>My stepmom explicitly invited my mom to come to my dad’s funeral. I’m so grateful she did. I really needed my mom that day.</p>
<p>If the BFF’s children were minors I might feel they needed their mother (the ex) to be present to support them during their dad’s funeral. However, as grownups, it is ridiculous to say they need their mother’s presence to get through their dad’s funeral. Don’t they have each other–or spouses?</p>
<p>If the ex-wife had any class she would know her presence would not serve any function except to make the current (long-standing) wife uncomfortable and stressed. She should stay away, and her own children should try to insure that she will stay away. Beyond that, it would probably be counter-productive to try to prohibit her attendance.</p>
<p>If ex-wife does show up at the funeral, I agree with those who say she should be quietly surrounded by people who can quickly and tactfully handle any explosive situation.</p>
<p>Much depends on the BFF’s relationship with the adult children of the dad, which is not really clear.</p>
<p>The dynamics would be completely turned around if this were, say, the WEDDING of one of the adult children. In that case, the ex would be the mother of the bride/groom, and the BFF should stay out of the way in whichever way would be most considerate of the ex.</p>
<p>My two cents.</p>
<p>rutgersmamma, a few years ago we went through almost the same thing with a dear friend of ours. For years we had heard about the nasty, cutting remarks the first wife made all the time, although none us of knew the first wife. When her husband died she expressed great distress about the first wife being at the funeral. But the children from both marriages wanted the first wife to come. We all went to the funeral ready to deal with an ugly scene, to escort the first wife out of the church, what ever was necessary to protect our friend. First wife came in, sat with her children, never said a word during the service. After the service she greeted members of his family and his old business associates and left quietly. All very civilized. But the second wife, our friend? She was
the one who made a scene, telling everyone she couldn’t believe the gall of the first wife in showing up. We all excused her for her grief, but later her daughter told me that her father’s first wife was a nice woman, but that her mother could never get over the fact that her husband had had a life before her.</p>
<p>I am not saying that this will be the case with your friend, but as more a cautionary tale, to move carefully in a delicate situation where there is more than one side of the story.</p>
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<p>As a hospice chaplain, I can chime in here. I’ve conducted a couple of services where family members were concerned about ‘someone’ (not necessarily exes) showing up that they don’t want there (or someone making a scene). In the course of meeting and planning the service with the family, they’ve always provided this information to me, and the funeral director. Believe it or not, this is the kind of everyday stuff that funeral directors deal with and is something that can be discussed at the planning meeting with them.</p>
<p>I don’t think you can give a black or white answer, because people will surprise you in their grief (good and bad). She may show up at the last minute, sit in the back and leave before every processes out. </p>
<p>The issue here is a sense of entitlement. Who gets to determine who can and can’t come pay their respects? Yes, even people who have a nasty history with someone can grieve their loss and feel a need for closure. That’s what funerals should be for, not some competition over who gets to make what decisions. Ideally it would be great to have the dying person himself express his wishes and have everyone honor them, but if he doesn’t want her there, about the only way you can guarantee that happening is to have a private service with family only (this is one option one of my families chose, to avoid having certain people that the dead person did not want at her funeral show up). </p>
<p>I agree that the current wife making a scene about an ex-wife showing up, who is very civilized, will cause grief for a lot of people. If the ex makes a scene, the funeral directors will step in and then people will see the ex for who she really is… someone who cannot let go of a grudge and thinks nothing of making everyone’s life miserable that day. But the current wife will have taken the high ground.</p>
<p>For what it’s worth, the worst thing that’s ever happened when I’ve been conducting a memorial service is having someone pass out. Literally, in the last ten minutes, the commotion was on her, and people were distracted by the sounds of the approaching ambulance sirens. </p>
<p>Lololu has it correct, there are two sides to every story, and unless the husband himself makes his wishes known very clearly before he dies and this is communicated to the ex-wife, there’s not much you can do.</p>
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<p>Then you’ll want to encourage her to act with honor and dignity because this is the last thing she will do for her beloved husband and because she’ll have to live with her actions until her own death. </p>
<p>You do realize that most of us are speaking from experience, yes? And that this is advice we’ve had to live and/or give to those we care about and want to make their life a bit easier? </p>
<p>I’ve been to funerals where there were long discussions about who has the “right” to do what to whom…they are miserable. Everyone on edge and blaming each other for the tension. I’ve also been to funerals where the decision had been made to handle things respectfully for all involved and to handle any problems that arise discreetly. </p>
<p>Encouraging your friend to focus on the ex and induldge her fears about the ex is not kind, it’s not helpful. People who are grieving often latch onto a past grievance to focus their anger and/or fear on. Unless this is a wholly private event, this woman is going to be free to show up. Asking her not too will only set a very negative tone (not the mention the idea of two large men lurking around her.) Much more helpful would be greeting the first wife with respect for her grief and kindness. Many a potentially explosive situation has been difused that way. And the father of her children will have died, it should not take too much effort to muster up some compassion. </p>
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<p>Every child who this man has fathered is equally important. Focusing on “their” children is disrespectful of her husband and I seriously doubt that if she were thinking clearly she would go along with that line of thought.</p>
<p>The way to handle complex situation is to simplify them. Treat everyone with dignity, whether you believe they’ve earned it or not. Enlist supremely tactful friends to be on alert for stepping in before things get out of hand. Trust the professional attending the event to do their jobs.</p>
<p>teriwtt, Thank you for stepping with the voice of experience. Very wise words.</p>
<p>lunitari, Thank you as well for sharing your story. I’m glad that all the adults involved had the grace needed so that you could attend your father’s funeral with the support you needed.</p>
<p>Well, it would indeed be a lovely world if everyone was completely selfless and wise, and could behave charitably towards those they resent or hate, even during situations of pressure-cooker stress. And yes, it could be that the BFF is the spiteful one and the ex is the sweet and peaceful one. Maybe no one will misbehave. I’ve seen it go both ways, and a hysterical outburst at a funeral is not something anyone wants as their last memory of the loved one.</p>
<p>In my estimation, the funeral is primarily for the comfort of the current wife and (all) of the man’s children. Secondarily for friends, more distant relation, etc. Note that we are not talking about excluding the adult children. </p>
<p>And yes, I do think that certain people have “rights” to decide how the funeral is conducted. And the first wife lost hers when they were divorced.</p>
<p>Just my two cents and I realize others disagree and probably disapprove of my opinion.</p>
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Me, too. “If you can’t stand the heat, don’t marry someone with children” doesn’t sit well with me. Sometimes the “heat” is disrespect and manipulation, and no one should have to stand that.</p>
<p>Back on topic: My H’s first wife died recently, and I can tell you from experience that it’s so complicated and painful, and certainly no two situations are alike. There are no rules about who’s allowed to grieve. But when the first wife (or anyone) has the potential to disrupt others’ mourning, someone needs to be attentive to that situation.</p>
<p>How interesting that so soon after I’ve had this experience there are two threads related to ex-spouses’ and ex-inlaws’ funerals!</p>
<p>Moralizing?</p>
<p>Seriously? The point is that there are a number of children who are losing their father, as well as a wife who is losing her husband. And possibly siblings who are losing their brother, parents who are losing their son, and friends who are losing their friend.</p>
<p>It is perfectly possible to honor the feelings of all of the above, if one refrains from behaving in a selfish and vengeful manner. If BFF takes the high road and the ex does not, then all will see her for what she is. OR THE REVERSE.</p>
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<p>The rights belong to the husband, and hopefully he will make his wishes known. The ex wife is not trying to conduct/plan the funeral. It’s just a chance… a chance, that she might show up. </p>
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If that’s your criteria for people permitted to attend a funeral, then I’m sure a LOT of people would be disqualified. And if the current wife wants to make that her last memory, then it’s her right to do so, but I can’t imagine anyone who would make that their last memory. Legacies abound all around us, even after a person has died.</p>
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<p>And that’s what the staff at the funeral home are there for; they do have training in this stuff.</p>
<p>Consolation, I did not suggest that the second wife behave badly, or that the first wife be barred from the funeral. I was reacting to the suggestion that if you marry someone with children, you need to suck it up and deal with whatever gets dished out. If I was overreacting, I apologize, but long-term nastiness inflicted by a former spouse, male or female, children or no children, is no picnic. No one should have to continue enduring that at her husband’s funeral if the first wife decides to behave badly. The OP’s question described someone who was likely to do just that. I’ve seen ex- and current spouses grieving together, and that’s a moving experience. But it doesn’t always work that way.</p>
<p>All I’ll say is that I’m not sure I would even want a funeral, and I’m not crazy about the idea of my ex being there if I have one, but if that were something that would make my son feel a little better, then I’d be all for it. He’d be the most important person there (in my mind), because he’s never had a life without me. Even if he were 30 years old by then. And even if I were to be married or partnered again by that time. Someone here thinks an adult child shouldn’t need to have the other parent there with them at one parent’s funeral if the two were divorced? Well, too bad. Maybe they don’t “need” it, but if they want it, then they should have it. </p>
<p>I would simply assume that everyone would behave. And if they didn’t, well, I won’t be there to watch.</p>
<p>After all, when I arrived in NYC by ambulance last summer, and didn’t really know how things would turn out, my son was waiting for me in the ER, and had brought my ex with him. Not the person I most wanted to see (especially given the condition I was in – I always like to look my best around exes!), but it’s what he wanted, and I didn’t complain about it.</p>
<p>@DonnaL
That was an interesting perspective. All the rest of us seemed to be identifying with the first wife, second wife, or kids. And you identified with the soon-to-be-deceased father.</p>
<p>Too bad we don’t know what his opinion is.</p>