<p>Perhaps that’s because I’ve been in a “[potentially] soon-to-be-deceased” situation myself a couple of times in the last 5 years, so it’s an easy place for me to imagine being.</p>
<p>teriwtt has given very good advice here. Funerals are a time for everyone whose life the deceased has touched. To deny the fullness of that life is to dishonor our loved ones, even if to celebrate that fullness brings us pain.</p>
<p>When I first saw this OP, I had a feeling the thread might get a little dicey, given the many voices on CC, and the vast amount of experience. Obviously there are some “first wives” in the group. No?</p>
<p>My parents had just a horrific divorce, years ago, and all the usual vilifications went on, he was this and she was that…both of which, frankly, during that period in thier lives they WERE, btw. I know. I was there.</p>
<p>Recently, there was a death of a mutual friend and they both attended the funeral and they both avoided one another and they did just fine. Both were deeply saddened by the loss.</p>
<p>If and when my father dies I really don’t anticipate my mother having any desire to attend his funeral, though I think he might want to go to hers. (he has more remorse, rightfully so.)…However, if one of us kids were to ask her to be there with us, then she would come.</p>
<p>My Husband has a horrifying stepmother, and he would want his mother at the funeral just to keep that woman away from HIM. Though I really doubt his mother would want to be there, she would go if he asked her to go. I’d try to discourage it, for her sake.</p>
<p>It’s really complicated when someone has kids from another marriage. We are extremely close with my husband’s half-siblings…It’s not so straightforward as a BFF might understand. But, as a BFF, your job is to stand by your friend no matter what the nuances of her husband’s life might well have been.</p>
<p>Honor me, dishonor me, it won’t make any difference to me after I am dead. It will matter to my wife (if I die before she does) so she can do whatever she wants.</p>
<p>I’d also like to add that I’ve seen several cases of very antagonistic ex relationships smooth over when someone is given a fatal diagnosis. I have been refreshed by the number of situations where an ex actually re-entered the other’s life and offered much support. In fact, I’ve seen exes move in with the remarried spouse and their new spouse so that they can receive better care. There is much to be learned about forgiveness from these people who are able to put aside their differences and make that journey with someone they previously had nothing but bad to say about the other. I don’t know if I could ever be big enough to do something like that, but I’m sure inspired when I see it.</p>
<p>Before someone says I’m morphing into Pollyanna, I will also say I’ve seen family members, who were considered very close, to turn away from a loved one when they are diagnosed with a fatal disease. People, it comes in all shapes, sizes and colors; there is no one answer for anyone. As for the OP, all she can do is be a friend to her friend. If the current wife is unwilling to broach the topic of the ex wife with the ill husband, is there someone else who could? It would lessen the anticipatory anxiety by threefold if this were resolved by him. But he might be afraid to tell current wife he has no problem with the ex attending if it is of support to their children for fear of hurting her.</p>
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<p>Depends on the culture. In some cultures, a lack of hysteria would be a sign that the deceased was not especially loved and revered. In some cultures, mourners are hired to exhibit the necessary emotionalism. I have seen people try to throw themselves into the grave shrieking, throw themselves down on other nearby graves of other loved ones who already died and carry on in ways that would be shocking in another culture, but are considered a sign of grieving in that culture. </p>
<p>More on topic, I think the husband needs to make his wishes known and talk to his kids from his first marriage and his current wife and possibly his previous wife. If he really doesn’t want her there, then he should make that clear. He has the time to make his wishes known and it’s something he can do for his current wife. When people are dying, they are often thinking over their life and making sense of their life story. Thinking about what he wants will help him clarify his feelings about various parts of his life. Then all she has to do is follow his wishes.</p>
<p>When my Dad died my Stepmother was very gracious about making sure my brother and I let my Mum know she was very welcome to come to the funeral. My parents were married 22+ years before my dad left my Mum for stepmother, and he and stepmother were probably married about the same length of time (actually they had separated 2 years before his death but had not divorced and he had not completed his a new will so she was in charge of everything including being co executor of the will with my poor brother, fun times - not). My Mum has no fondness for my stepmother but it did mean a lot to her, and to my brother and I, that she was welcome to go to the funeral and we even all sat up at the front together. Of course my Mum is not the scene making type so there were no worries on that score (though we were a little concerned when we heard my paternal uncle’s widow was attending as we remember her calling my Mum 20+ years ago and trying to talk her into going to my dad’s wedding to make a big scene - fun day out for the girls to her way of thinking, thankfully not to my Mum’s).</p>
<p>Take the high road. Let anyone who has to grieve show up. Just because one person in the web of relationships is immature, unstable, and into drama, doesn’t mean everyone has to jump on that bandwagon. I just don’t believe for a minute that this is going to turn into a scene from some cheesy made for TV movie. </p>
<p>This poor woman is about to lose her husband. I will bet she has a ton more important things to worry about, talk about, and need help with, than some old drama with the ex.</p>
<p>I’m both a first wife and a second wife. And I’ve lost a number of people very very close to me and organized three funerals by myself. I would want to go to my ex’s funeral and I’d expect my husband to attend his ex wife’s. Likewise, we would expect our ex’s to come to ours (and no, we are not all sane, mature people singing kumbaya together). Its for everyone, and it just seems like the respectful, dignified thing to do. </p>
<p>If ever there were a time to put petty grievances and bitterness aside, it would be with shared grief. If death doesn’t create some bigger perspective for you, nothing will.</p>
<p>Had this in my sister’s family, too. In this case the death of the husband was sudden, so not sure anybody knew what his wishes might have been. The first, also rather bitter, wife attended, but did not sit with the family. The widow later disclosed that she’d asked his eldest child to communicate with the ex, saying she’s welcome at the service, but it would be too stressful for her to sit with the family. </p>
<p>–Seems reasonable to me as I’m not aware of any definition of ‘family’ that includes former spouses.</p>
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<p>If I can remember anything about this thread, it would be this quote. Sounds philosophical to me.</p>
<p>My ex wife attended the funeral of my wife’s father. We’d all been on the same “team” raising my son by my ex wife, so it was no big deal. In fact, my wife and I felt it appropriate and appreciated. On the other hand, some people never get past a divorce. Sad.</p>
<p>starbright, Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. Your kindess shines through.</p>
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<p>My definition of family most certainly does. My heart doesn’t slam shut because someone files for divorce. Our family is complicated, getting more so all the time and I would not trade it for the world.</p>
<p>My definition of family also includes former spouses. Actually, the IRS definition for various dependent exemptions, etc. are not severed by divorce. I am still close with all the family of H1. My current H and I are invited to the family picnics, do Christmas and bday presents, graduations, etc. Several of the ex-H extended family with whom I was/am close have passed on, and we attend those visitations as well.</p>
<p>Two things bother me in this thread–the OP said that he had kids in “another” life. Well, that strikes me as a rather throw-away statement. It wasn’t “another” life–it was his, and their, lives. Also, presumably wife #1 loved the man enough to marry him and have children with him. What also wasn’t stated was how wife #2 came into the picture. That may well affect how wife #1 feels about wife #2, but it doesn’t necessarily affect how she feels about her former husband.</p>
<p>I think it is a good idea to have forethought to various situations. It’s another to borrow trouble. The OP is trying to help her friend, and that’s good, but I don’t think she indicated that she even knew wife #1. Wife #1 may indeed be grieving mightily when the time comes. As other posters noted, funeral homes are trained to deal with potential situations. Hopefully all will go well.</p>
<p>I went to a funeral of a man who left his first wife and mother of three kids and then married a much younger woman. I knew both women. Both attended the funeral. The daughter did her best to write a biography for the program that was inclusive of his entire life. The ex-wife sat next to her daughter at the graveside. She had never remarried – this was the only spouse she had ever had and she was clearly grieving very deeply, regardless of whatever bad feelings might have existed. I thought it was a wonderful tribute to the deceased that his first wife was there and spoke well of him and clearly felt his death was a loss to both her and the world.</p>
<p>As has been mentioned we come to this discussion from a variety of perspectives. One, no more valid than another. Members of my BIL’s family (#50, above) really struggled with this situation and, thankfully, it worked out OK. Their other plan was to ask the former spouse to attend the visitation the night before the church service, perhaps because it was less ‘formal’. She chose to attend the service and sat separate from the family. </p>
<p>I can’t see being critical of a widow who isn’t comfortable with the former wife sitting with the family. Perhaps some women could handle it if an ex-wife sat in the family section, but believe I’d be uncomfortable. Couldn’t the former spouse (especially one who’s been divorced over 25 years) grieve in another pew and allow the the widow some space? </p>
<p>You’re right, Sryrstress, we don’t know how Wife #2 came into the picture. At a time like this, does it matter? If an affair was involved, it might explain the bitterness, but don’t see that it would make a difference in logistics of a funeral.</p>
<p>I read through this thread and saw myself potentially in the position of OP’s friend. My husband was married for a couple of years to a nightmare of a wife…and for the last 16 yrs has been a nightmare of am ex-wife too. It has crossed my mind that if we were in this situation , I would clearly not want her to attend any services for my husband. Someone who has made their life’s mission to hurt their ex has no business attending services , IMO. If you haven’t lived it, you cannot imagine how awful it is…every day.
I for one am not a big enough person that would welcome such a person and would do what I could to keep the woman OUT…</p>
<p>That being said, I recently found myself in a situation of dealing with the suicide of my ex-husband’s sister , whom I remained close to. My ex’s wife is not so well liked in his family. I have had social situations and events that have put me in contact with his family over the years and all has gone well. My ex-mother and father in law actually took my husband aside and praised him for being a good step-father and thanked him for this.
Long story short , I asked if it would be okay for me to attend before I assumed it would be…I was welcomed with open arms and ex’s wife did not bother to attend anything…caused a lot of ill feelings from the family.</p>
<p>My former sister in law was one of those people you meet in life that is a true priviledge to have known…to know her is ( was ) to love her…</p>
<p>I think if the bitter ex-wife had a shred of decency she would ask if the family would object to her presence…and if they were gracious enough to let her , she should sit in the back and behave</p>
<p>lje62… did your H have children with his first wife? You mentioned they had only been married a couple of years.</p>
<p>teriwtt, yes they did…the child has been a tool to torment, guilt, ridicule, control, manipulate and punish…and no one has felt the pain inflicted more than the child herself…it is hard to imagine a mother doing what she has to her own child as she has done and gotten away with…horrible and unforgivable</p>
<p>Sometimes clergy can help, a bit, to front off difficult situations in their funeral remarks, provided someone tips them off beforehand. A family will do what a family will do, but one helpful contribution OP can make to her friend is to suggest she share her concerns now with the officiating clergy. The clergy might also be the one to get the dying spouse to express wishes in a confidential counseling setting. The clergy could convey the man’s wishes to the wife and then the ex-wife. </p>
<p>Sometimes the clergy and funeral professionals collaborate and exchange signals during the service, to diminish tensions as much as possible. An angry or inappropriate person has less to protest when a professional, rather than ex-relative or friends-of-ex, settles them or escorts them out of a room if they’re being impossible. </p>
<p>It’s not just ex-wives; sometimes brothers and sisters are ready to gouge out each others’ eyes at these ceremonies. And yet, everyone needs to be there and somehow get through it. </p>
<p>Engage your professionals in this situation for their experience – clergy and funeral director.</p>
<p>Do you gather at a home after the funeral service? If so, as friends you could see if she’d rather have that hosted at your (friend’s) house rather than her own.</p>