Former Spouse Attending Funeral

Parent Cafe
61

<p>

</p>

<p>The last service I did was the week of Christmas, for a family I’d never met (our other chaplain was unavailable so they asked me) and there was LOTS of hostility between the partner (they never married) and the patient’s adult children (I was given lengthy histories by their primary chaplain and our social worker). Initially, I was told it was going to be a very small gathering and the only request was that the 23rd Psalm be read (the patient’s favorite). But then the family wanted a message, and I had less than 24 hours to prepare it (the week of Christmas, no less), so I went to a website I know of (but have never used before) that has sample sermons for all occasions, to look for a funeral message based on the 23rd Psalm. The first one I looked at hit me like a ton of bricks - it took several of the verses and expounded upon them, one of which was, “He prepares a table before me, in the presence of my enemies.” And the writer shared a story that happened during WWII, when British and German troops (who had been engaged in a stalemate battle for weeks) called a truce at the lines on Christmas Day, put down their weapons and joined their food supplies to sit down at the same table and celebrate Christmas together. </p>

<p>So here I was, December 22nd, being requested to give a funeral message the next day, with the only request being to read the 23rd Psalm in a very volatile situation (yes, a situation where I’d been warned that people had the potential to behave inappropriately). Hmmm… it took about two seconds to take this sermon and run with it (with my own adaptations, of course). I have no idea what impact it had, or if anyone felt I stepped over the line (the enemies verse was not the only one I expounded upon). Not even sure if the partner was there because no one introduced him to me, and I was in and out rather quickly. But this was obviously a family in great distress, and I’m sure both sides had valid points. It may be weeks, months or years down the line, some reconciliation may happen… or maybe not. I can only hope I planted a seed of hope in their hearts and they can all find some serenity somewhere, if they choose to.</p>

62

<p>Along the lines of above:</p>

<p>I read recently that a certain individual had posted on his facebook that his son had passed away and how sad he was that his son had died so young (21). I happened to see the son’s obituary in our local newspaper as he had died in my town. The obit. read “Survived by loving mother ____<strong><em>, brother _</em></strong>, etc.” I thought "hmm, odd his father isn’t mentioned.</p>

<p>The obit. closed with “Lacking an earthly father, our beloved has entered the arms of his heavenly father” (not exact quote but that was the gist). I was floored.</p>

<p>Our local newspaper reported the death and mentioned that the father and mother had divorced and had a very bitter custody battle, that father and son were estranged for years but recently began to reconcile. Dad had history of substance abuse, erratic performance at his job, etc.</p>

<p>I don’t know the details of this family therefore am in no position to judge. However, I thought it was so INCREDIBLY sad that it seemed necessary and appropriate to take such a huge public swat at the father in the obituary. Sad for all involved: sad that there could be so much bitterness that it needed to be publicly announced, sad for whatever pain Mom had endured in the marriage, sad that the young man had been at the center of such hatred, sad that the paper hinted that suicide might be the cause of death, sad sad sad.</p>

<p>The article quoted a close friend as saying he couldn’t divulge the details of the funeral because “the family has made it quite clear this is to remain private.” In other words, they don’t want Dad to come to the funeral. Dad wrote on his facebook that he wasn’t even informed of his son’s death until several days after the fact.</p>

<p>Dad may deserve every bit of vitriol being directed at him. Still, the whole thing seems just tragic to me. I can’t imagine being excluded from my own child’s funeral. I thought of this thread and wondered if they will have people at the door, ready to eject the Dad if he shows. It’s bothered me ever since I read about it.</p>

63

<p>ndrsb4 - at least the family I was dealing with had the dignity to include the partner in the obituary. If you had been somewhat of an outsider, no one would have known what was going on in this family from their conduct at the funeral or any other public reports or comments.</p>

64

<p>Hatred and bitterness of long term standing just can’t be good for anyone. Even in cases where there is definitely a “villain” and a “victim,” I can’t help but believe that stewing in one’s own anger, hostility, and bitterness just eats away at the soul like a cancer.</p>

<p>I personally have never been able to nurse a grudge for very long. It requires a whole lot of energy, and I guess I’m just too spiritually lazy.</p>

65

<p>

</p>

<p>Dona nobis pacem, dona nobis pacem… </p>

<p>Doesn’t it hurt one’s soul to hate that much…? I just can’t wrap my head around justifying such anger like that.</p>

66

<p>I’ve attended a funeral graveside where 2 adult sons were fighting (verbally) so hard that the clergyperson halted the proceedings. He refused to continue to lower the body until they stopped arguing about their Dad, at least for the moment. It was disrespectful. He demanded the two men walk away, speak with each other and come to him reconciled, at least momentarily. </p>

<p>Talk about having leverage~!</p>

67

<p>Back to the OP’s scenario…</p>

<p>I’m hoping that before the terminal man becomes too sick, that he expresses his wishes, and/or perhaps the ex will feel moved to make peace with her first husband before he passes. Maybe the children or clergyperson will encourage this to happen. :)</p>

<p>I had a lot of bitterness about a longtime ex-boyfriend (I know, not the same as a spouse), but 25+ years later, when I learned he was terminally ill, I visited him and made peace with much of my “pent up” anger/hurt. He even sincerely apologized to me, which also helped. So, times like this can sometimes heal old wounds. </p>

<p>I think I read somewhere that Frank Sinatra’s first wife made peace with him before he died. She was bitter over his infidelities.</p>

<p>When I hear about extreme bitterness between ex spouses, the genesis seems to be infidelity, abuse, and/or financial issues (such as one spouse emerging much better off financially than the other - usually the man ends up financially better off). </p>

<p>I can understand that. I know if my H and I divorced (god forbid - married 25 years), he would emerge financially better off because even after the split of assets, his earning power far exceeds mine (like by 8 times). Along with the many other issues, I know that I would be very angry if I had to give up my lovely home, and later saw some other woman living in it! LOL I know that I’d be very annoyed seeing some other woman enjoying the fruits of his future income, which was developed because I took care of everything else. </p>

<p>So, I can understand why some exes are incredibly bitter. I’ve known women who were left with young children who may have rec’d child support, but that didn’t compensate for the time and energy that raising children alone demands, while the H had most evenings and weekends free to live the bachelor life or to pursue his new life with a new honey. I’ve recently met 3 women with cancer whose husbands have left them because they didn’t want to “deal with it.” I’ve known women whose husbands have left them shortly after a child was diagnosed with a serious health issue. So, there are often reasons for such intense bitterness. </p>

<p>The OP sees the ex as a bitter/angry woman, but perhaps she has reasons to be angry. Perhaps she wasn’t treated well during the marriage, maybe there was infidelity, or she received an unfair settlement in the divorce. The OP has only seen or heard about the bitterness that came after the divorce. The OP probably doesn’t really know if the woman’s bitterness was justified. Friends of the second wife are not usually privvy to such info.</p>

68

<p>Whether or not the bitter ex’s have reason to have such feelings, does not make it okay to harass and attack for several years. It serves no purpose , unless they get some kind of sick thrill making other’s lives miserable. When I think of my husband’s ex, it is clear that she had a choice to make a new life for herself in the past 16.5 yrs which may have given her some happiness , or do what she has done and made it her life’s work to ruin her ex. There was no infidelity and I came into the picture two yrs after they split. It takes a lot of energy to hold onto all of that hatred…and like a previous poster said, it is like a cancer. It seems like it would have been a healthier choice for all involved if she had cleaned herself up, made herself attractive for a potential new relationship and moved on with her life .
It is very evident the emotional damage that was done to their child, who was a baby when they split. My two children from my previous marriage have had it a lot easier since their dad and I ( and my now husband ) get along very well.</p>

<p>Like I said , it is easy to sit back and judge about how others should respond in such circumstances , but unless you live it, you have no idea what it is like.</p>

69

<p>^^^</p>

<p>Oh, I agree. I wasn’t suggesting that bitterness justifies any abusive behavior. I was just saying that bitterness can be understandable. It is understandable why bitter exes don’t want to be “jolly friends” at family get-togethers, birthday parties, graduations, etc…</p>

<p>That said…Civil behavior is always the rule. :)</p>

70

<p>^ I get what you are saying but I don’t get these people. Sure one has reason to be angry AT FIRST, but 25 years? And I should add it goes both ways: once the kids are grown, at least, there is no reason one has to continue to have an ugly relationship with a ‘bitter ex’: unless one is adding fuel to the fire and keeping the relationship going. </p>

<p>Maybe way off topic (I apologize), but my point is if I can do it, so should everyone else, damn it! I so often want to say to parents in divorce “grow up, and put your children’s needs ahead of your own! and if you can’t do it in your own, get professional help to do it”</p>

<p>My ex left me for a 25 year old-- and they were having an affair while I was actually helping her quite significantly (I knew her as a former student), and while I was enduring painful fertility treatments. SHE got pregnant (and I didn’t). We divorced and she basically stepped into my former life (including the role of inheriting the extreme future wealth of my inlaws). I was left raising two little ones quite alone (they moved to a different city), while working full time. Oh and he even bought her MY dream car a year later…a car that “we” could never afford. </p>

<p>Of course I was insane with rage at the outset…that is normal. But what good did that do anyone? Especially my children! As an adult in the equation, there was zero room to badmouth either dad or his bimbo (er…new wife). Seriously, it was still their father who THEY NEEDED to love and look up to, and this was a woman they had to sometimes live with and be parented by. </p>

<p>As an adult who had to take care of herself, there was no way I was going to allow myself to be eaten alive inside out by bad emotions. And call me stubborn, but I had this weird sense of revenge which was that I was always going to make him second guess his decision: I would NEVER let him see me as a raging bitter psycho woman (which would just serve to justify in his mind that he made the right choice). Nope I was going to be the mature, sane, normal, high road person…and I stuck to it.</p>

<p>Flash forward: I’m extremely happily re-married! That happened because I didn’t become one of those bitter people who never lets go of their past life, who bad mouths their ex (which in a sense makes one look bad too). And ex husband is absolutely miserable in his marriage and his wife is extremely difficult to bear (I hear it from him, the ex in-laws, everyone in our family). My second husband and I have a great life, my ex and his wife are miserable. My kids are close to their grandparents (the ex inlaws) who actually stay with us during holidays (to avoid the wife). I actually feel bad for my ex husband. </p>

<p>Most importantly, as far as we can tell, our kids came out unscathed from the divorce and have a fantastic relationship with all their parents.</p>

71

<p>^^^^Well done, starbright.</p>

<p>I am the child of divorced parents who handled it the right way. My husband came from a family where the “wronged” spouse nursed a deep bitterness (and still feels this) and for a time turned the kids against their other parent. That eventually backfired on this parent when the kids grew up. My husband went through so much pain as a result of all this hatred being bandied back and forth. His sibling was an angry, hostile human being for much of his life, has been divorced several times, and only recently seems to be letting go of the anger. I look back on my childhood with fondness. My husband views his childhood as a painful period he is happy is long over.</p>

<p>I wish warring spouses could truly understand the ramifications of their behavior.</p>

72

<p>*My ex left me for a 25 year old-- and they were having an affair while I was actually helping her quite significantly (I knew her as a former student), and while I was enduring painful fertility treatments. SHE got pregnant (and I didn’t). *</p>

<p>OMG…I know someone else who this happened to, and she never was able to have any kids. </p>

<p>And, Yes! Well done Starbright!!!.</p>

<p>And thankfully you met someone wonderful. :)</p>

<p>I totally agree that a person shouldn’t let bitterness control their life, especially to the point that they can’t move on. **I love the quote, “success is the best revenge.” ** And, it sounds like you have it. Sounds like your ex and #2 had “bad karma.” LOL </p>

<p>Just curious…has your ex ever apologized? </p>

<p>I don’t know how old you were when this happened, but that can also come into play with how bitter someone becomes. If a woman is in her 50s or beyond, it’s not impossible for her to find a new (and better) love, but it can be much harder, since many men of similar age are dating the 30 year olds.</p>

73

<p>Thanks. Yes, he has apologized. I think too he has gigantic regret, for all the pain he caused everyone. </p>

<p>Regret is a difficult concept however: when you look at the past, and look present it created, it’s a package deal (one can’t pick and choose the bits one likes). At the time it happened, I thought I would die…yet now I am so thankful it happened (or I would not have met my husband!). Likewise, I wish my children had never gone through this, but I adore his amazing daughter (with the second wife) and she’d not be alive today if not for this affair. </p>

<p>Age may be related, but I think one may have to be over their bitterness and divorce issues before they are healthy enough to attract and select a good partner for a happy second marriage (rather than get over their bitterness through finding someone else).</p>

74

<p>There are some great stories here that are inspiring, of people who were strong and principled enough to rise above pettiness and resentment.</p>

<p>However, the OP’s friend may not have time or stamina enough to reach the state of near-sainthood needed to face the ex with equanimity. </p>

<p>I still think the ex should stay the heck away from the funeral if that’s what the wife wants. The word can make its way to her.</p>

75

<p>

</p>

<p>I totally agree with this sentiment. I someone I loved was terminally ill, my wish for them is that they would be healed. I would want their mind, soul, heart and spirt to be healed. I would want them to die in peace and to be *at *peace. For me this would mean tot he best of my ability I would want us to * lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us<a href=“hebrews:12”>/i</a>. At the end of the day, it is not about trying to preach someone in to heaven once they are dead, and upholding them as a good person, it is about doing good works while one is alive.</p>

<p>I agree with Nrdsb4, that being angry with some one wastes entirely too much energy. Do you ever think about what happens when you are mad at some one? It slips in your thoughts , you have flashbacks over what happened, making it hard to move forward.</p>

<p>For your BFF, I am quite sure her time can be better spent than letting the ex wife live in her hear. Extend a hand to make peace because at the end of the day you both have children that are losing their father, and you both want to support and be supportive of your children. In addition, if she does not find a way to try to make peace, I beleive that you are giving someone power in your life that they do not deserve.</p>

<p>just my $.02</p>

76

<p>Oh starbright…if you could influence my husband’s ex. I would pay you…seriously, don’t understand holding on to such negativity…so pointless and unhealthy for all involved, especially the children involved…I also understand the ex- in-laws spending time with you and not the new wife since I have experienced the same…my ex’s new wife had an easy in with his family since they are very loving , but she never was open to them…pretty sure she has their child ( through artificial means ) to take attention away from the two daughters we created.</p>

77

<p>

</p>

<p>They live rent-free in your head.</p>

78

<p>I’m reopening this thread because my friend’s husband died after a very long illness and I wanted to seek further counsel. BFF took the high road and didn’t address the ex’s attendance with the ex or with the children. Not sure if there had been a discussion with her husband. Word filtered down to her through a niece, I believe, that the ex was going to attend, no specifics given. She said she didn’t have the strength for confrontation and simply ‘trusted’ that things would go smoothly/incident-free, which was the case, thankfully…</p>

<p>There was a wake the evening prior to the service and the ex waited in line (which was quite long), paid her respects to the decedent, greeted his siblings, glared at my friend and walked past her and her children. My friend extended her hand and the ex walked past. The ex’s daughter made her turn around and shake hands. The next morning there was another opportunity to visit the family prior to the service and the ex was there from the beginning, not in the receiving line but obviously visible to all who came through the line. She sat on the front row, flanked by her two sons, during the funeral and stayed at the luncheon until the bitter end, leaving only minutes before the widow.<br>
They briefly exchanged greetings before departing.</p>

<p>BFF shared with me that the ex continued to badger this poor man, even when he was so sick. Seems to be a pathetically bitter individual in my view.</p>

<p>I thought my friend handled everything with such dignity and class. So proud of her! I think it was so undignified and classless for the ex to attend everything and stay until the lights were flashed! </p>

<p>His ashes will be interred sometime in the fall and my friend would very much like to exclude the ex. Her words to me: “I’d like to respectfully ask that I be able to bury my husband without the glares of his ex-wife. How can I do that?” </p>

<p>Your thoughts, please?</p>

79

<p>Private burial.</p>

<p>I can’t remember if you’ve indicated that BFF and her husband had children of their own, or if the only children were with the ex. If BFF and husband had no children, she can bury him on her own with just a close friend or two present to support her that day.</p>

<p>If there are children from both marriages, then I don’t see how you could notify some but not all. This could easily become a cause of discord between the children of the two different marriages. Are the ex-wife’s children well-behaved enough to accept that an invitation for them to attend the burial service is indeed only for them and not for their mother and/or other extended family members?</p>

80

<p>Where they his kids? If so, well, dont blame the ex. I would think it awful to have a private buriL and not I include the deceased children. We dont know the circumstances of the second marriage if he cheated. If he was unfair to the ex. Just because one hears the bf’s side doesn’t make it so</p>