<p>Ps you marry someonewith baggage, deal with it and not be so selfish</p>
<p>The ex-wife has paid her respect already. She was married to the guy 25 years ago. OP’s BFF has no obligation in doing anything she doesn’t want to do. She was married to the guy for 25 years, for better or worse, and she was the one who took care of him when he was ill. She has earned 100% right to say good-bye to her H any way she wants. If her H’s children couldn’t respect her wishes then they shouldn’t be included.</p>
<p>Unless the former spouse actually creates a problem I would leave it alone because there are children involved whom the two shared. Having been in this situation myself just a few years ago, I can tell you that my sister and I would have found comfort in having our mother and our dad’s funeral. Any drama at his funeral would have been at the hands of his wife and her children. When parents remarry, I believe the new spouses should understand that any previous children and former spouses were at one time a family and that should be both accepted and respected. Until and unless a problem occurs, I say live and let live.</p>
<p>I agree with oldfort. Your friend has been more than gracious, and she’s been deliberately treated in a vengeful manner. Her husband’s grown children should have been able to achieve closure at the wake, and the funeral which followed. The children seem like reasonable people, and if they can attend without spiteful mom, and if the GRIEVING WIDOW is ok with it, she can include them. But why oh why must the hateful woman who already got her chance to be nasty, be given one more chance to spit on this woman’s marriage? Is this woman not allowed to say a dignified farewell to her spouse? I think that she’s already taken the high road, and that this particular ceremony belongs to her.</p>
<p>We just had a family funeral. It is a very difficult time regardless. My suggestion is that everyone consider taking the high road on this one. This is not the time to continue to deal with other issues. </p>
<p>As stated above, if there is a scene, let the professionals handling the funeral deal with it. They will.</p>
<p>These r two different stories…25 years is mentioned nowhere in new story</p>
<p>We have nom idea the circumstances od the second stories divorce. Did he cheat with new wife? Did he ignore kids from first marriage? There are many not talked about issues thay we will never know except the bffs side of the story.</p>
<p>The ex wife could be just piseed. Maybe she put him thru law school and then He took a trophy wife. Or he failed to pay alimony. Or maybe he was a real jerk and she was glad to see him buried, we have no idea. So to jump and blame the ex for showing up and glaring is unfair. Maybe wife number two didn’t support husband seeing his kids…so until we know more, we can’t take rosier number twos side…for allw e know she’s a gold digger.</p>
<p>Well, they have already had a wake and a funeral, and this is a burial of his ashes that will take place months from now. The high road has already been taken. Maybe it’s time for someone else to take it.</p>
<p>Then just intern the ashes and not have another public event. I mean how many services does one need…a never ending funeraL?</p>
<p>I believe this is the same story, OP can correct me if I am wrong. I am reading it as the BFF’s H was diagnosed with terminal illness in 2010, and he just passed away.</p>
<p>A dear old friend of mine once told me to be really nice to people who do not like you; it really irritates them.</p>
<p>In a situation like this, the second wife can behave beautifully, let the children and ex know about the burial, and have witnesses as to how the whole ceremony proceeds. She will no longer have to worry about the ex because of she shows up, she should not ave to have contact again.</p>
<p>I didn’t realize that the first FOUR pages of this thread were TWO years old.</p>
<p>I would suggest a private burial of the ashes…by invitation only.</p>
<p>Private burial. Widow and children only. If need be, specific instructions to all concerned that the burial is for invited guests only.
Have funeral staff or a couple of friends on hand (ie at the location, but not at the burial site specifically), to escort uninvited guests to a vestibule/reception area/somewhere else for coffee while “we respect the wishes of the family”.</p>
<p>There has already been a funeral, which the ex attended. The burial can be a more private event.</p>
<p>Mea culpa but we are all assuming the ex is alley the bad person. My comments still apply. We have no idea what hapened during that divorce. Ythose were his kids and see,s the bff was eh…</p>
<p>OP–If the ex has kids with your friend’s late H, and they had any relationship with him, it would seem unkind not to tell them when their father’s remains would be buried. I think your friend should just put up with the other part of her late H’s family this one last time. Once he is buried, she’ll never have to see them again.<br>
No matter what your friend has told you about her divorce or the first wife, there is another point of view. Try to put yourself in the ex’s position and give her the benefit of the doubt.
Who says she was “glaring”? Perhaps that was just your friend’s “interpretation” of a strained look on her face. Who says she “refused” to shake hands? Maybe she didn’t even see that your friend was offering her hand until someone pointed it out to her. . .and then she DID shake hands. A funeral is a stressful situation for all involved. Not sure how your friend met her H, but please consider that while you see your friend as a “good person” the ex might know her only as “the other woman who stole my husband, wrecked my home/ruined my life, deprived my kids of a full-time dad”–worse yet if your friend was much younger and perceived as a gold-digger,etc. Those hard feelings can’t just “go away”–even after 25 years, there is going to be resentment of the other woman if her H was unfaithful. This is her late H’s baggage–she just needs to deal with it one last time.</p>
<p>If the H was alive, would he want to see his ex that often.</p>
<p>IMO They have done the gracious thing already and should be free to have their moment excluding the ex. My DH has had a similar issue with a woman (not and ex of anyone) who is his mother’s best friend. She has a number of daughters and they show up in force and go out of their way to be tactless. They approached my DH as he was carrying his brother’s casket (car accident) and said the most horrific things. Who does that? You’d be surprised. His father died this past year and we considered trying to dis-include them (we planned the service), but she is the mom’s friend. Instead we took the tack of instructing the kids to expect anything and be gracious and polite and lovely and talented and not get backed into a corner. (like MD MOm suggested) They tried to stir the pot but we expected the worst and were prepared. We did this for his mother’s sake. DH already declared that when his mom goes they will be banned from the service because the service is for the living and his mom won’t be around to care. I think OP should be able to have her time and memories in peace without being stalked by this woman. Again, I had to get over the shock that people actually willfully behave that way, but they do.</p>
<p>To clarify, there are adult children from the first marriage and adult children from the second marriage. They all had a relationship with their dad during the 27 or 28 year marriage. My friend is fine with the children as far as I know; she always included them in activities with her own kids–birthdays, holidays, etc. She regularly hosted the ones who live out of town and went with H to visit them, etc. She included them when planning the service and would not exclude them (or other members of his family–siblings, etc.) from the burial. (She has no voice in the interment date, btw.) My sense is that she is simply tired of the ex lurking about (My words, not hers.) and would like to be able to accomplish the last task sans the ex-wife. </p>
<p>Her issue is the ex-wife’s bitterness and hateful attitude that persisted, even throughout the illness. She is not a member of the man’s family; she was not his friend–I see no reason why she needs to be there. I’m hoping one of her children will rein her in and tell her it’s not appropriate. My friend hasn’t mentioned anything to the kids about the ex’s attendance/behavior, etc. She wasn’t asked about her feelings regarding the ex wife’s presence and she didn’t voice them. Things just happened and she persevered.</p>
<p>I love my friend and am trying to support her and serve as a sounding board for her. I’m sure she isn’t perfect, but she is a professional person, a great friend and a fine member of the community. She has displayed such public dignity throughout the illness, during the service, luncheon, etc. I’m not sure I could have been so graceful, given the circumstances and what she has been through.</p>
<p>I am not aware of the circumstances of the first divorce, but whatever mistakes she/they may/may not have made almost thirty years ago should be set aside, if you ask me. There is a part of me that feels bad for the ex because she has held on to a bitter divorce for three decades, but I still don’t think she should have been ‘front and center’ at her former spouses funeral.</p>
<p>If the children and step-children could run interference at the burial, it might go more smoothly than you think. Someone could be in charge of managing the ex. This would be a job I could do and there is surely someone who would do it for your friend. I think it is easier to have her have a handler, without her knowing of course, than to keep her away.</p>
<p>The reason she can justify attending is that she is the mother of his children and can say she wants to support her children. Just my two cents.</p>