<p>Why is this all about the parent doingna bad thing? The young woman isndoing lots of bad things, lying, and yet its supposed to be about parent regaining her trust? That’s absurd. The parents cannot trust this girl, and i would bet there has been little real progress with the therapist, just that the daughter has learned to hide her stuff better. If there was real progress, she wouldn’t be selling her meds.</p>
<p>And if she is selling her meds why?didn’t the therapist see the change? If there was drug and alcohol in the past that brought about the crisis, and daughter is still doing drugs and alcohol, gee, not a lot of progress there. If daughter is self medicating after three months with a therapist and thing aren’t much better, and d isn’t really changing her behavior and lying to everyone, maybe it me, but i really wonder wha t has indeed gotten better.</p>
<p>As Shrinkrap mentioned, I also am puzzled about your d writing about this in a journal, a la true confessions. Seems odd to document her behavior like that doesn’t it?</p>
<p>I would want to talk with my d directly and simply express my concern and upset about what she wrote. Who knows, maybe its not even what it seems? </p>
<p>Seahorses – therapy and progress does not follow a predictable and linear path…like life there are stumbling blocks… </p>
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<p>I’m a student, so I’d like to offer my perspective if no one minds. </p>
<p>I have several journals. Letters. Notes. Some my mom has found, some she hasn’t. </p>
<p>I don’t/didn’t write them for her. It’s a form of release. Writing down my feelings, being able to articulate them, is therapeutic. My pen and paper will not judge me, will not “out” me. </p>
<p>I look back at my journal and letters today sometimes. It makes me smile to see how I’ve changed, how I’ve gotten “better” (only relative to the state I was in before), how I wasn’t totally “crazy” or “helpless” because I can understand what that little girl wrote (clear articulation) all those years ago. </p>
<p>And if it sounds irrational, that’s helpful also. </p>
<p>I’m guessing it’s a “new thing”, since a lot of parents here don’t “understand”. </p>
<p>Even when I’m feeling great, I write. I know SOME"ONE" is listening. And they won’t forget.</p>
<p>^ I can see writing SOME things ( my D laughed at something she wrote in a journal at 8; how she kept noticing she was the first to finish tests…), but man…Even 18 year old me would be wary of writing stuff so incriminating.</p>
<p>Well I think it defeats the purpose of a journal if it’s “safe” things. </p>
<p>The OP’s daughter mentioned guilt for doing her actions. She was able to Express that in text. She isn’t able to express it in words to anyone yet. The “worse” it is, the more relieving it is to write it down. Clearing conscious of sorts. </p>
<p>I’m only speaking from personal experience. As things have gotten “better” I wrote less (didn’t realize that was happening). I used to keep a daily chronological journal of my life, it was that bad. I brought my journal to school. I documented everything. Time. Date. Surrounding area.</p>
<p>Shakenparent, are you okay? This is a dreadful situation and I see no blame for you. Of course you wouldn’t purposely read your D’s journal, but you might indeed read her advanced biology notebook. And I’m glad you did! She needs help. </p>
<p>I have noticed that therapists often have a preternatural ability to put things quietly and nonjudgementally. When my D saw a therapist I went with her the first time and heard the woman repeat what I’d said-- all true, but somehow spoken so gently that it sounded completely unthreatening, and D unhesitatingly agreed. I hope you either went with her today, or have arranged a family appt. for next week. It sounds as if your D trusts the therapist and the therapist will be able to help her see a way out of a situation in which she must feel very guilty and trapped. I’ll be thinking of you.</p>
<p>Surprised by all the surprise. Journaling is a pretty standard way for teenagers to process their feelings.</p>
<p>^Me, too. Not only that but my own therapist strongly encourages his adult patients to journal their thoughts and feelings as a way of processing them. I do it all the time. It works. </p>
<p>I’m not even surprised she left the journal where her mother accidentally picked it up. If her daughter is anything like my son, his room is in a constant state of disarray. He never seems to know where he left anything.</p>
<p>?? Haven’t noticed any surprise at either the journal or its being left around. Somewhat surprised myself at the content of the journal and the therapist’s response, but mostly concerned for OP and D.</p>
<p>I don’t think “surprise” quite captures it. When I think of “wrapping my head around something”, I am thinking about the possible reasons people do the things they do. Perhaps when a therapist says to write things down to “process them”, what happens when you decide what to write is part of the process. So is what happens afterward. Anyway, this is “one of those threads”, that might become more…interesting to the posters, than helpful to the OP, so I will leave that alone.</p>
<p>First of all… Our D is not in college; she’s a senior in HS. And the original crisis that led to our insisting on her going to a therapist initially came about just two weeks prior to her 18th birthday. She absolutely did not want to go, but at 17, she didn’t really have a choice then. We insisted on her going at a minimum four times. She has never since said she didn’t want to go, she has gone willingly completely on her own every week since then - and actually in December there were two weeks right before break that she went twice a week.</p>
<p>Also, I would slightly agree that some of the issues that led to her going in the first place were somewhat running our household and there are days when we do indeed feel like we’re slightly holding our breath, but since she is also our last child at home, it hasn’t been the case that there are any other siblings around needing attention. However, I strongly object to SeaHorsesrock’s response seeing it as far too reactionary to be of any useful or positive help to a teenager in trouble. Do you honestly think that flipping out on an 18 year old to be an effective parenting strategy? I will not tolerate the behavior NOW THAT I AM AWARE OF IT, but again… I. did. not. know. I called the dr who prescribes her ADHD meds and had the rx mailed to the house. I didn’t report the sale of the rx because frankly, I don’t know the details behind that. We are typically a very honorable family and honestly, she could have only sold one or two and feel an extreme level of guilt. I don’t yet know the extent and I’d very much like get more information there before I start dialing the local cops, you know?</p>
<p>I am beyond concerned yes!! But I was also clear to say there HAS been improvement in the last couple of months. Just because you show up at a therapist’s office does not mean all your problems disappear or that because everything isn’t solved in 12 weeks time that the therapist is inept. For the most part we’re talking about 50 minutes a week for a kid who has apparently held a lot of pain inside for the better part of two years, at least! Take two weeks off for the holidays and we’re looking at about 10-12 total hours of therapy thus far. And agreeing to partake in therapy is certainly not the same as agreeing to never hold anything back. </p>
<p>As I said, there were UNAVOIDABLE conflicts to our being able to immediately address this journal/bigger truths thing. Had I cancelled my previous obligations made months in advance, then she really would be running the rest of us. I also didn’t want to go off half-cocked because, again, I have seen real progress. She is trying to be more communicative and far less argumentative. While her journal admitted she was blowing off her work, she just got her second semester grades and considering ALL she had gone through in the last few months, I was pretty surprised she had kept up as well as she had. She probably could have done better, but we’re talking about a kid who typically gets A’s and B’s getting more B’s than A’s. She did end up dropping a class for second semester that she didn’t initially tell us about (but has now fessed up based on something else entirely), and really? While I wished she kept the class, there are, as they say, far bigger fish to fry here.</p>
<p>I am NOT making excuses for this child of mine, but she’s not some sociopath playing us all for fools. Her T has been encouraging her to “allow” us to come in, which she typically does within the first few visits with all parents. However, D did not want us there, not at all, and she is 18. Honestly? I was more focused on D’s bonding with T and finding solutions far more than I needed to be involved directly. Since D was very adamant against therapy at first, I really just wanted them to build a rapport so D wouldn’t resist going going forward. And too, at some point (and 18 is a pretty clear line), you have to start owning your life, regardless on whom you blame the whys of your problems. </p>
<p>I talked to T last week before I left town and following her consulting with some of her colleagues, we have laid out a plan to address the found journal. As for the legalities: It’s pretty much as others have laid out here in the end. While her allegiance (for lack of a better word is with D), she did not have to tell D the specifics of what I told her or what I found. However, there are some things that, in order to do good work, become very important for T to maintain/build upon to continue building trust in their relationship. As for D lying to her… while she could not tell me specifics of anything (and I certainly understood that and didn’t ask her to), she could tell me that she felt D was working hard to be honest and T would say, she wasn’t lying as much as much as she wasn’t telling her the whole truth. The therapist (T) said, she’s been working with adolescents a very long time (which we knew) and had experience in rehabs as well as jails and juvenile detention centers and absolutely knows when she’s being BS’ed. She said she did not have any indication that his was the case here. T agreed she wasn’t telling her everything, but also said that’s not unusual in the least at this stage, and that all that she could really say was that she knows there are issues that aren’t being openly discussed, but that she fully believes D really wants to get better and is working at it. HOWEVER, what I read was indeed concerning and needed to be brought out in the open. </p>
<p>I could never in a million years pull the rug out from under what seems to be a very good fit. She is absolutely not telling D what she wants to hear necessarily and if D wants to be there, I am thrilled. Again, like I said, other than her journal telling me different on a deeper level, there has been improvement/progress. I don’t care if she is blaming my mothering for every single problem in her life! As others have pointed out, maturity will iron some of that out but the absolute bottom line is that can can only happen IF she’s around to mature! </p>
<p>I saw absolutely no benefit to confronting D and demanding explanations. In fact, I saw nothing but disaster. In some ways, I think that she’s writing so honestly with herself is a good thing. I never got the impression in what I read that she was gloating or otherwise pleased with herself that she was getting something over on people. It wasn’t glib, it was more like, “I know what I am doing is wrong and I don’t get why I continue to do it.”</p>
<p>Interestingly, D had agreed the week before to consider inviting H&I to come in. Last week her therapist told her I had called her and T felt it was time to bring us in, that it was not only important for T to meet us, but that it could only be helpful to D. H&I are going in Wednesday morning and then Thursday we’ll be there to tell her about the journal, her therapist will be there to help her process and not wig out so she MIGHT see the bigger picture. As I said to her therapist… safety ALWAYS trumps privacy and I just can’t apologize for that. She agreed and says we will talk about how I might think about the phrasing of that so it’s best received by D.</p>
<p>I am not afraid of my kid. But I love her dearly and absolutely do not want to derail her. What I said earlier about shutting down… she is the kid that will absolutely shut us all out if she feels attacked, judged, ridiculed,etc. She’s a sensitive girl who has built up an armadillo exterior. I do not need her curled up in a ball.</p>
<p>Thank you so much for everyone’s opinions - both professional and layperson. I don’t have to agree with people to appreciate another point of view, even when I absolutely don’t agree, but there is no perfect answer to raising children. They all have very different temperments and personalities… I’m just trying to do things as right as I can at this crucial time in an emerging young adult’s life… I just don’t believe calling her a liar, cheat (and I don’t believe I ever said she was a cheater of any kid), etc, would be very productive to getting to a better place and indeed, would be very much the opposite.</p>
<p>Your plan makes excellent sense… you sound like a very thoughtful, loving parent who knows her own daughter and has partnered with her d’s therapist with her needs and best interests in mind. It can be a positive step given your approach. Good luck on Wednesday.
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<p>Yes to all you wrote OP.</p>
<p>Good luck to you! I would still be hesitant to tell D that you read the journal even accidentally. This does not mean I would feel any guilt having read it. Any trust your D would have in telling you anythng in the future will possibly be lost. I would rather quietly use the new knowledge of your D to curb her actions in other ways than in direct confrontation (even with a therapist).</p>
<p>I haven’t read this whole thread so forgive me if the idea of my post has already been said.</p>
<p>When my daughter was seeing a therapist she was lying through her teeth. I often questioned what I was paying this person for and whether any good could come from a situation where the truth was not known. I had informed my daughters therapist of the many lies my daughter was telling, and in fact during our joint sessions I would sit there wondering who the person sitting across in the chair next to me was because it wasn’t my daughter. My daughter was in therapy for a year and a half. Finally as a result of much information that I provided… the therapist and the Psychitrist reexamined the original diagnosis. I wish I could say things turned out well for my daughter but they haven’t. We no longer have any contact with her. Your daughter is 18 and unfortunately by law kids at 18 are considered adults even though they need mom and dads support. </p>
<p>As far as your daughter selling her adderal…I would tell her immediately that you found the journal and that you are aware of what she is doing. If she is living at home and still in highschool you can certainly let her know that she risks legal problems for selling prescription medication. Kids with ADHD come with alot of challenges and I really believe that ADHD is rarely just ADHD. I also think that the stimulants could make some of the other problems that are also present, far worse. I wish you the best of luck and I don’t know if this means anything to you but I was very verbal to the therapist and other professionals who my daughter saw and I don’t regret any of it even though the outcome has been heartbreaking. I just wish they had listened to what I had seen and taken a more involved and caring role much earlier. I have lost alot of faith in mental health professionals.</p>
<p>Mammathree–Situations such as these are tough to deal with and I feel for you. Everyone has different experiences and I think it’s great to share them. The hardest thing is to be a concerned parent and not be able to make things right for your child. It gets far harder when they turn 18 and you are not able to legally make decisions for them.</p>
<p>The OP has said she has seen improvement in her D in a relatively short time which is a great sign. Her D hasn’t quit her therapy which is also good. As for telling lies to a doctor–it’s a regular thing for everybody. I think the question is really when someone decides to not lie to themselves and move forward. I think a good therapist knows that in only gaining trust does truth ever come out.</p>
<p>Journal writing does not relate absolute truth. They are a moment in time really…as in ,.I hate so-and-so today with unspeakable passion… (ask me next week…they are actually okay…), They are a release valve to a sometimes intense emotion. Which is why they are written–to release the feelings and look at them in black and white, more objectively. For the writer. Not a reader.</p>
<p>OP–every kid is different and only you know. I would never tell my kid I read a journal. I know how mine would react–instant shutdown for a VERY long time. I would act if there were immediate consequences of course (health and safety are always paramount). But then I’d take care of the situations and while my kid may think I’m omnicient (or suspect I’d found something) I still wouldn’t put it right there on the table.
I think things left out (versus hidden away) are meant to be found–it’s a non-confrontational way to tell the truth with a release valve of " it’s YOUR fault if you don’t like the contents." Whatever OP decides just don’t get dragged into the “why did you invade my privacy” debate over the “I love you and want you to love yourself also”.</p>
<p>Surprising coming from someone who says she has all this experience with adolescents that she had no knowledge of her obligations in what has to be a very common situation for anyone working with this age group. She handled that badly, and I hope she apologized for putting you through the scare unnecessarily. But you’re right - it would be difficult to pull the rug out from your D right now and it sounds as if your current plan and her connection with your D is an excellent one. </p>
<p>I don’t think it’s a close call as to whether to reveal what was read - a bio book is not a diary. Very little basis to accuse the Mom of snooping intentionally or violating trust. The D already knows OP called the therapist with concerns and that there will be a group meeting , so she can’t accuse the therapist of hiding secrets or anyone of ganging up or blindsiding her. There is always a risk the D will be upset, but a bigger one if this is left unaddressed, IMO.</p>
<p>roshke–The risk is that you never see or hear any real feelings from her again (at least for a long time period). There is a risk that attention gets drawn to a trust issue rather than getting over bigger health and life-style issues. </p>
<p>I would rather attend a meeting to learn about the therapist (whom I only know by e-mail and am second guessing at the moment), be my D’s advocate (what can we do?, what dear D do you want to have happen?) than go in ANY way as a confrontation. Especially if you aren’t sure you trust the therapist! In fact, what does D think about her therapist (never known a kid to give a dishonest opinion on that!)
Listen to the dialogue, listen to D (does anything match up with what you know? Is she trying? complete BS? self-protecting?) How does therapist treat her and you? Swallow all thoughts and words except we’re here to help. Observe carefully.</p>
<p>Don’t underestimate the accusation of blindsiding–arguments don’t have to be rational (especially to teens) to be effective. It’s a defense mechanism that should be expected.</p>
<p>^^</p>
<p>The word confidentiality was the problem. Had her policy been to divulge right away it would have simply been her policy. The therapist sounds responsive and gets credit for consulting with colleagues and thinking through a plan. One thing to recognize about the field of psychotherapy is that no two cases are ever the same. We often have to make judgement calls in the moment. The therapist did say at the outset she would consult and she did and she was honest in clarifying the law and what she did or didn’t need to do. I hope it goes well this week.</p>