<p>I have been a lurker extraordinaire… discovered cc when my oldest went off to college and I was completely new to the process and then have continued to drop in to the parents forum and cafe as my second daughter headed off. I’ve read so many witty and interesting conversations over the years that I’ve always intended to get started but never quite did. However, I’m now desperate and somehow in all the years I’ve been reading I have never seen this particular topic addressed although I’ve heard that this is a common situation and some wise person must have some thoughts on this topic! My daughter is a freshman in college and has probably gained about 30lbs since this time last year, much of it at college. When she first started gaining weight I attempted to talk to her about it but she was (and perhaps rightfully so…I don’t know) quite upset about it. However since that time she has continued to gain weight and I’m uncertain about how to approach it. I don’t get the feeling that she’s feeling great about the way she looks right now. I’d love some thoughts on this before I broach the subject with her because it is so sensitive. Has anyone faced quite this situation before?</p>
<p>mdma,
I kind of have the opposite situation right now but believe me, I can relate. All through high school I wanted my son to lose weight. I told him I was concerned about his health (I was as diabetes runs in my family). I paid for a gym membership and a personal trainer. I bought healthy food.<br>
He just came home for spring break. Between Christmas and Spring break he lost about 25 pounds. I was shocked and in tears when I saw him.
I guess what I am trying to say is that she knows she has gained weight. She will do something about it when she is ready to and nothing you say or do will change that.<br>
You still should say something when you are in person with her. Not over the phone or email. You can take my approach and say that you are concerned about her health and well being.
But be well aware that your words may not make a difference.
I’m not sure that this post helped you at all. I just know what I went through…</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>My son has told me that he doesn’t exercise because I ask him to. He said when he is ready, he will take care of himself. Rumor is he had been working out at school and I have been keeping my mouth shut.</p>
<p>He gained weight freshman year mostly due to not having the seasonal sports he was a part of in high school. Add the amount of food that he ate at school, plus the fact it was all fried, let to more weight. And lastly, he learned about drinking which added even more weight.</p>
<p>We are well aware of his health risk carrying the extra weight; his doctor has addressed this with him. My hope is that he will start taking better care of himself. I know he is trying to watch what he eats most of the time, doesn’t drink much, and is exercising some. As I told him early on, it is far easier to gain the weight than it is to loose it. I know when he tried before he was frustrated when the weight didn’t just fall off, so he stopped exercising.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, I don’t know how much you can say to her without upsetting her. Are you two close in general? Does she have sisters? Is anyone in the family overweight? If you would like to lose weight (or someone else in the family would), maybe you two can join Weight Watcher’s together and both of you can work on finding healthier food options and getting exercise. At my last doctor’s appointment before going to college, my doctor mentioned that I was a little overweight for my height. I had played Varsity sports starting in freshman year until an injury put me on the bench in junior year, and after that I started gaining weight. The doctor was very simple and matter of fact, and he didn’t make me feel at all bad about myself. Unfortunately, I have gained some weight since starting college (maybefive or ten pounds). I’m taking a PE class in the Spring with my best friend, and I plan on starting to run regularly this summer. It’s harder to get motivated if she can’t see a direct health effect. My blood pressure is excellent, I have a good resting heart rate, and I’m generally in pretty good physical shape. If the same is true for your daughter, she may not yet see a reason why she should work hard to lose the weight. </p>
<p>Is she having any emotional or social problems that you can tell? That could compound the problem. Do you know why she could have gained the weight? Maybe she just doesn’t know about what healthy options are available at her dining hall, and she just doesn’t know how to eat right. At home, she could probably rely on you to watch what she eats, and at a dining hall she may go for the fatty, fried foods every day. Does she buy her own clothes? If she doesn’t have a job and is needing to buy new clothes often, it really could act as a motivator for her to stop gaining weight and keep it steady. </p>
<p>I think you could offer her your help if she decides to lose weight. You could help her find healthy food at college, help her meet with a dietician at the school, see what gym memberships are available near your house, etc. As Ebeeeee said, though, there’s not much you can do until she makes the decision. I imagine it will happen soon enough. Right now she may just feel stressed out from college and see her weight as out of control. She just needs to see that it is in her control.</p>
<p>I think this is possibly a situation where saying little is best, regardless if we are talking weight gain or loss. I gained when I first went off to college (back in the stone ages) and I was well aware of my problem (comfort eating) and how to fix it. It just wasn’t something high on my list of priorities as I was fighting to adjust to so many new and different things. Eventually, as I became more comfortable away from home and felt more secure, I was able to focus on my health, signed up for aerobics classes and got back into shape. </p>
<p>My d has lost weight since leaving for school. I fussed at Thanksgiving, fattened her up at Christmas only to listen to her complain incessantly about her tight jeans; and by Spring Break she is now, imho, back to being a bit too thin. But if I question her eating habits or comment about her appearance, it only seems to reinforce the behavior. I don’t consider her anorexic; she loves to eat when she’s home. But at school, she gets too busy to eat properly. (Popcorn is often dinner.) I know she is sick of the school food; and she rowed last semester and is taking a dance class this semester, so that is largely to blame as well. Instead of harping on it, my mother, mother-in-law and I send care packages with good food loaded with the right kind of calories and ingredients she can use to make herself meals in the dorm kitchen. She is always thrilled to get them and I know she eats pretty well out of those care boxes.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, weight and appearances are such issues for young women now (thank you Kate Bosworth, Keira Knightley, Kate Hudson, and the rest of the Hollywood lollipops…sigh), unless your child is having an emotional problem that needs addressing; it may be better to just make her feel that as long as she is happy, you are happy.</p>
<p>Ive actually lost 5 pounds without consciously exercising at all. The combination of walking all the time (dont have a car at school) and playing intramnural basketball burns calories without me even meaning to.</p>
<p>Schedule a Dr. appointment for her.Maybe a thyroid problem or any meds (birth control) that may cause large,fast weight gain. Don’t say anthing else though.</p>
<p>and welcome to the dark side of actually posting:)</p>
<p>Wait for summer. Offer to pay for gym membership or trainer for sport of her choice. I’ve done both for my guys–one to improve his fantastic basketball skills and one to get fit.</p>
<p>I would say very little. She knows she needs to lose, and your pointing it out to her will only make her feel worse, and it might even make her eat more if she’s an emotional eater.</p>
<p>When she comes home for the summer, plan healthful meals and fun activities. I bet that much of the weight will come off when she’s back home and into old routines. Less stress and healthful home cooking combined with fun exercise will do wonders. </p>
<p>When kids are living in the dorms, high-calorie food is everywhere. Most dining halls serve healthful tasteless things and unhealthy tasteful things. 
Kids are less active - especially if they were athletes in high school. </p>
<p>The last thing you want is for her to be so unhappy with her weight that she develops an eating disorder. Let her get back to “normal” this summer on her own. Warm weather, lots of yummy fruits and veggies, and more sleep (lack of sleep has been linked to weight gain!) more exercise, and family love will do the trick.</p>
<p>If that doesn’t work, then I would have her see a doctor. Not before though, unless you have some reason to think it’s something more serious than just not eating or exercising properly.</p>
<p>you opinion won’t matter to her. she’ll get angry at you if you bring up her weight. honestly there are only 2 ways for her to lose the weight. either she looks at herself in the mirror and goes “eww gross” and decides to lose weight, or she gets hurt by a guy for not being attractive enough/needs to lose weight to feel she will be attractive enough for X guy.</p>
<p>from experience i can tell you, getting in shape needs a motivating factor - and your mom or dad is NOT one of those motivators.</p>
<p>on the other hand, you could be blunt, tell her shes fat, she’ll hate u, but she’ll go on a diet. either way - 30 pounds in 1 semester is a lot to gain - we’re talking she ate (i.e. drank herself) into an excess of 100,000 calories over 12 weeks. not good.</p>
<p>All I know is that the people at my college are extremely motivated to keep in shape (and the guys to be well-built) to increase their attractiveness and chances of having sex rather than improve their health. I do want to look my best, but that’s usually not enough motivation for me. When lifting, I have to think about bizarre things to keep me going (something absurd like “I will get into <school> after I finish this set!”).</school></p>
<p>Also, I know plenty of people on my floor who have the discipline to work out everyday but not to study. As a person who has both, I could tell you that weightlifting is more physically and mentally strenuous, but I guess to these people, it brings greater rewards?</p>
<p>I’m always amused when I read posts saying their daughters lost 20 pounds due to heightened levels of academic stress. In a college atmosphere, there’s immense pressure to be attractive, and this is probably the main driving force of their weight loss. Besides, doesn’t stress (the less preferred kind) make most people gain rather than lose weight?</p>
<p>After being immersed in a college environment for so long and subjecting themselves to rigorous eating and exercising routines, students do tend to become more attractive over the years. Just go on Facebook and compare the graduate and undergraduate students. When I go on it, I get the impression that Chicago students are good-looking and then I find out that the grad students are usually the ones who are.</p>
<p>All of this is based on speculation, of course :)</p>
<p>For me, my 1st year away at college, I gained weight but attributed it to the dryer (at home we put our clothes on the clothesline). My mom politely told me, “You look ummm healthy & it’s not the dryer that is shrinking your clothes.” She never said another word about my weight & how tight all my clothes were–never had a weight problem prior to that. Over the summer, I watched what I ate & cut out all snacks & cut way back on sweets & was back to my pre-college weight before heading off again in the fall.
In my case, I wasn’t unhappy. Quite the opposite, I loved being away in college & living in the dorm where you could eat unlimited desserts & all the juice and milk you chose. My 2nd year in the dorm, I ate much more sensibly & never had a problem with my weight again.</p>
<p>As everyone said, I’m sure she’s aware of her weight gain. Offering a joint gym family membership over the summer where the family would work out together might be a nice idea, IF she’s interested. It might also be useful to think about whether she’s happy at school or not, as weight gain MAY sometimes be a sign of emotional issues. A good check up including a thyroid check is also a good idea. A physical & check up is always a good idea over the summer anyway & the doc could check to rule out any physical causes for the weight gain, such as thyroid issues or Cushings or any obvious endocrine or metabolic issues.
Good luck!</p>
<p>Everyone took the time to give me such thoughtful replies and I really appreciate all of them. My usual response to situations (for better or worse!) is to rush in with solutions galore, but by posting here and reading the responses, I think I’ll be able to be far less intrusive in my approach. I know my daughter works out, so it’s not a lack of exercise. I think my real concern is that this may in some way be an indication of how she feels at school or about school. And ruling out anything physical or medication related is a great idea.
ebe, so sorry to hear of your child’s wt loss in such a short period, that is concerning and I hope that corrects itself as well.
Thanks again to all, all responses were very helpful…</p>
<p>I am currently concerned about some sensitive weight related issues with one of my Ds. I know I can’t talk with her about it b/c given where she is right now, she will be defensive. I decided now was a good time to make the switch from her pediatrician to a NP who is great with teens. I would like her to start the HPV series and there are other legit reasons for doing so. I will speak privately to the NP before and ask her to discuss all of this with my daughter. I think it does two things - takes the emotion away from my end so I get objective feedback about whether there is cause for concern; and it gives D someone to talk to about any issues that may be behind the behaviors. If your D is over 18, you won’t be able to talk to her doctor, but if there is one she has seen over the years, that doctor will surely discuss the weight issue with her. You can tip the doctor off, you just won’t get the reply, unless your D volunteers it. Summer is a good time to work on long term behavior changes, too. Good luck. I empathize with you! And…welcome :-)</p>
<p>mdma-The advice you have gotten here is on target. BTDT- with D who was a year round hs athlete but not in college, and then there was beer, and late night snacks. Eventually, found a club sport with strenuous cardio demands, decided no snacks after 8pm (when living off campus 
), and has been donating her ‘fat’ clothes.</p>
<p>ebeee- BTDT too with my S, his weight loss was in hs due to ADHD prescription (late diagnosis). But your post made me wonder if some kids are ‘sharing’ these meds as study or weight loss aids. Not to make you worry, it could be your son just found some workout buddies, or a female to impress.</p>
<p>I agree that it might be wise for her to get a physical. I gained 20 lbs one semester in college and eventually discovered that I had developed anemia and a sluggish thyroid. Best of luck!</p>
<p>My daughter and many of her friends gained some weight freshman year and subsequently most of them lost it over the next two. I did not say anything to my daughter when I saw the added weight but if it had been 30 lbs. I probably would have asked about the possible reasons for it. That kind of weight gain also means a whole new wardrobe which would easily lend itself to some conversations. tred lightly.</p>
<p>thanks to everyone who posted and those who were concerned for DS. I am pretty clear there was a motivating factor (definitely not his mom) that made the weight loss a priority for him. I am not at all concerned about drugs, etc. I don’t want to post anything too personal, but I have reasons for feeling fine about DS’s situation…</p>
<p>Gaining 30 lbs in 6 months is far from the ‘freshman 15’. I know that one must tread carefully but I think it should be discussed with your D to at least understand how she could have put on so much weight so quickly. Depending on your relationship with your D maybe you could take a team, analytical approach as to how the weight gain could have occurred as opposed to focusing on the weight itself. Chances are she already knows how the weight was gained in which case it’ll be up to her to address it. You said she’s continuing to work out so if she’s really doing so at an adequate level then she’s either consuming an awful lot of calories or she has a physiological problem that might warrant a trip to the doctor to get checked out.</p>
<p>I was BLISSFULLY happy in college, and still managed to gain weight-- so don’t assume she’s not happy. (I think eating pizza and chocolate chip cookies every night at 1:45 am might have had something to do with my weight gain. Oh yeah, and drinking White Russians! Just a hunch…)</p>
<p>Most college socializing is done around food & booze-- calories. </p>
<p>The advice you have here is good.</p>