Freshman D: Encourage Contraception?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I think Baelor makes a very good point. </p>

<p>If the daughter has said that she intends to refrain from sex until marriage, wouldn’t a parent or other adult who is telling her she needs birth control “just in case” be dismissing her intentions and her ability to be a self-disciplined person? Telling her that her goal is a completely unrealistic one is rather insulting to a person who has clearly thought about pre-marital sex and rejected it. </p>

<p>I believe in frank discussions about sex, pre-marital and otherwise, and about birth control options. When my daughter was going off to college her freshman year, I insisted she have a gyn appointment beforehand to ensure she knew the bc options available straight from a medical professional and not just her mom. Although we are Catholic and she was raised to refrain from pre-marital sex, I assured her that she had her own choices to make now and they needed to be made with full knowledge of the issues. </p>

<p>The gyn gave her a prescription for bc pills- touting not only their bc effects but also skin, cramps, and other benefits. My daughter chose not to take the pills- she is deeply religious and does not intend to have sex before marriage. She is also not wild about taking a lot of chemicals.</p>

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<p>Well, this didn’t apply to me, but if I felt that my mother would object or be uncomfortable with the idea of me having premarital sex, I think I’d tell my mother “of course I’m going to refrain from sex until marriage” whether or not it was true.</p>

<p>Anyway, I think this is not really the kind of topic in which what you promise your parents is the truth. After all, when my son was about 14 or so and had had a taste of someone’s cocktail and found it disgusting, he told me that he’d never drink in college, so I guess I can be assured he won’t. @@</p>

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<p>Underage drinking is illegal. However, I’m sure my kids will do some drinking at college, and they need to have it drilled in their heads that they aren’t to drive or get in a car with someone who’s been drinking. Is that pessimistic or realistic?</p>

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<p>Speaking as someone who conceived one of my children 7 days after my period started, I wouldn’t rely on “natural” family planning. ;)</p>

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<p>I understand your point pizzagirl, which is why I do advocate appropriate education on birth control options. My daughter didn’t promise me anything- of course she knows how I feel about this issue, but she also knows me well enough to know that I respect every person’s right to make their own choice on it. She also knows me well enough to know that I subscribe to the motto- we all make mistakes and it’s important to be as safe as we can be. I don’t believe that she made me some empty promise just so I’d get off her back or anything. </p>

<p>I know she does not find it easy to live her convictions, particularly in college. And she certainly does not need me reminding her that maybe she should get on bc just in case- she needs my support and admiration for living up to her convictions.</p>

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<p>pipmon, are you Catholic, or is just your daughter? I ask because of the BC issue.</p>

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<p>I am Catholic and work in an educational capacity for the Church. My daughter is also Catholic. In fact, she has become a lot more serious about her faith since she has been in college.</p>

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<p>No, it means recognizing that during college many people change their minds about things they don’t expect to change their minds about–and that’s not limited to sex. </p>

<p>There are people who are sure they will be medical doctors who decide it’s not for them. Sometimes it’s because they find the course work too difficult, but sometimes it’s because they realize they like some other field much more or that they just aren’t cut out to be a doctor. </p>

<p>Back in the Iron Ages, one of my high school classmates was a right wing, conservative Republican. He knew a lot about politics and he thought he was committed to his beliefs. Today, he’s a liberal Democrat. The transformation took place in college.</p>

<p>Some very religious people lose their beliefs in college. On the flip side, I know a Jesuit priest who barely knew his prayers when he started college and didn’t attend mass regularly. If you had told him he would be a celibate priest when he was 17 and a freshman at an Ivy League college, he would have laughed you out of the room. </p>

<p>My d had an African-American friend who was determined that she would only date African-Americans. But there was this nice white guy in the same dorm who became a good friend. They were “just friends” for a long time. They are now married. </p>

<p>So it’s not only that when you love someone you do tend to want to express it physically, it’s also that not everyone who is positively convinced that he/she will NEVER have pre-marital sex will feel the same way 2 -3 years into college. Parents who think that pre-marital sex is wrong and can also feel the need to tell their sons and daughters, but especially their daughters, that while they hope they will avoid pre-marital sex, if they choose to make a different choice, their parents will still love and support them.</p>

<p>In an example you might find easier to tolerate, while telling my offspring that I think pre-marital sex is wrong, I also said that if there was a pregnancy, I would do whatever I could to help them raise the child. I am very opposed to abortion, as I know you are. Is telling a D who is college bound that if she should, contrary to our religious beliefs, have pre-marittal sex and find herself pregnant that I would love any child with half her genes no matter who the father was and do everything I could to help her with the child also something you condemn? Is that just “dismissing her intentions and her ability to be a self-disciplined person?”</p>

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<p>Knowledge is power. Accurate knowledge even more so.</p>

<p>I see nothing wrong with a mom having a discussion with her daughter. It should be about respecting each others opinions and wishes. Young women over the age of 18 should be empowered to make decisions for themselves. Given thoughtful reflection and accurate knowledge she can make informed decisions concerning her body.</p>

<p>I think its great when a Mom can say - “Honey, You know I think sex should be reserved for marriage and I know you believe it…” Daughter nods. “But I also want you to know that if you decide to have sex then you need to protect yourself. Likewise, if you choose to use birth control, I will support you and make this available to you while you are in school.”</p>

<p>I simply don’t understand how the above conversation can undermine a young woman’s wish to abstain until marriage.</p>

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<p>Jonri- I don’t condemn anything here. </p>

<p>Of course kids will change their minds in college about a lot of things. I certainly hope my daughter does- it’s part of growing up. And, knowing that she might choose differently in the future on this particular issue, was one of the main reasons I ensured she knew about bc options. </p>

<p>And, of course, should she become pregnant I would welcome the child. I would not advocate for an abortion. If, however, for whatever reason she chose to have one I would still love and support her.</p>

<p>Justamomof4- I agree with a discussion such as the one you present. I don’t agree with telling someone they should go on birth control just in case they don’t live up to their convictions. That’s sort of a “doomed to fail” assumption about the child’s decisions.</p>

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<p>Jonri, I actually agree with you. But then I would listen to the daughter’s wishes in the case that she changes her mind.</p>

<p>The conversation is presumptuous and/or incredibly demeaning to me in any way you look at it. The mother should be a resource to the daughter, and I agree that conversations about BC are appropriate once the daughter changes her mind. But let that happen first while encouraging the daughter to seek out the mother if she does change her mind.</p>

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<p>pipmom, my remarks were directed mostly to baelor and weren’t meant to be critical of you. I was just giving you an honest response. I didn’t think you were being judgmental. I just don’t think it’s demeaning to say that “if you should find yourself pregnant and unmarried I shall help you.” And I also think it’s not demeaning to say “fi you change your mind about having sex, I hope you will use contraception.” </p>

<p>Why is saying the first okay? Following your reasoning, saying what I would do IF my D got pregant before marriage suggests that I think it’s inevitable that she would. If it doesn’t, then why does saying IF you decide to have sex please use contraceptives mean I think it’s inevitable? Frankly, I don’t see any logical difference. </p>

<p>baelor, the thing is…when kids decide to do things their parents disapprove of, they often don’t tell them about it. So, I don’t think I should delay telling my D how I’d react if she got pregnant before she married until she tells me she is pregnant. And I wouldn’t delay telling my D she should use contraception–and I know the Church doesn’t approve–if she does become sexually active until she tells me that she is sexually active. </p>

<p>I do agree that insisting that she go on the pill “just in case” is way beyond what I think is appropriate, but the conversation about what to do if you find that you do want to have sex is neither demeaning nor presumptuous.</p>

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<p>I have not read this whole thread and forgive me if this has been brought up but it is outside of current guidelines to do routine pap smears before the age of 21. If your provider is not aware of these guidelines, please educate her/him.</p>

<p>[First</a> Cervical Cancer Screening Delayed Until Age 21 Less Frequent Pap Tests Recommended](<a href=“http://www.acog.org/from_home/publications/press_releases/nr11-20-09.cfm]First”>http://www.acog.org/from_home/publications/press_releases/nr11-20-09.cfm)</p>

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<p>GTalum - however, I don’t think practitioners will dispense BCP without a pap smear and a regular yearly follow up.</p>

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<p>jonri- No problem. I am a great believer in discussing any and all possibilities with my daughter. I don’t think it’s demeaning to let her know that if she changes her mind, there are things she should do to protect herself.</p>

<p>Re Pap smears and BC Pills- the doc would not give my D a pap smear at age 18 because she was not sexually active. It is not indicated until age 21 in that case. But the doc was very quick to write the prescription for BC Pills. My daughter didn’t ask for them- the doc just wrote it out and told her there were many benefits to them.</p>

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<p>“however, I don’t think practitioners will dispense BCP without a pap smear and a regular yearly follow up.”</p>

<p>A yearly follow-up is necessary to do risk assessment. But a yearly pap smear which screens for cervical cancer is not part of that risk assessment. i’m a FNP and myself and my Gyn colleagues are using the new guidelines and dispensing BC pills when appropriate. They are two separate decision trees.</p>

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<p>“the doc would not give my D a pap smear at age 18 because she was not sexually active. It is not indicated until age 21 in that case.”</p>

<p>It’s not indicated until 21 whether she is sexually active or not. These are new guidelines that only came out November 2009 so many health care providers are not yet aware of them. I’m only asking you to inform your providers. I think a lot of young woman don’t get on BCP’s to avoid a pap test which leads to unplanned pregnancies. Just bring your provider a copy of the ACOG statement.</p>

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<p>If the daughter considers it to be a questioning of her commitment when her mother wants to talk to her about BC, then the daughter can simply say, “Mom, I’ve told you I want to wait till marriage,” and it needn’t go on any further. But I think that having a talk with your kids about protection before they go off to college is advisable in any circumstance.</p>

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Look, you may *think *that you know all these people are successfully abstinent, but you don’t actually know that, except for yourself. I don’t know how old you are, Baelor, but those with some extensive life experience know that sometimes it’s pretty easy to identify the people who haven’t been successfully abstinent–they have babies. I’m not denying that people are successfully abstinent before marriage–I’m sure many of them are. But enough people who think they will be end up not being abstinent that I think it is irresponsible for parents not to inform them about the consequences of pregnancy, and about contraception if their beliefs permit them to even suggest it. For those who don’t believe in artificial contraception, well, I guess “natural family planning” is better than nothing–but I note that websites promoting it often talk about “birth spacing,” not contraception. And, like most forms of contraception, success rates depend on proper use–something that’s a lot easier for a condom than it is for a method like “natural family planning.”</p>

<p>And just to add–if you’re going to depend on your kid being abstinent from sex, you’d also better be pretty confident that they’re going to abstain from alcohol, too.</p>

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<p>Hunt - you are correct about Natural Family Planning, spacing births. NFP can be very effective in spacing childbirth and works well for many families for whom a pregnancy is not a crisis. I would never recommend it to a couple who are not prepared to have children.</p>

<p>One final thought - the stigma of hormonal birth control has largely gone away except for the religious community who views pre-martial sex as a grave sin. Many young women who are committed to waiting until marriage may not be fully educated in the medical reasons for hormonal birth control and the positive effect it can have on their everyday life. If a young woman has serious menstrual difficulties, functional ovarian cysts or endometriosis then hormonal birth control can and should be viewed as medicine.
As far as ‘chemicals’ go the chemical found in hormonal birth control are the same ones produced naturally by your body.
I don’t know if whatever4’s daughter is having menstrual difficulties but if she is she should know that she can be medically treated and still remain true to her convictions.</p>