My friend just confided in me about her husband’s depression. They have been married 40 years and she said it started about 30 years ago. He’s been on medication, but from what she says I don’t think it’s been working well. When he’s stressed it becomes debilitating and right now can hardly get out of bed for 2 weeks. She says she
“Whenever he’s under stress he weirds out. These episodes happen very frequently especially in winter, but this one is especially bad. He won’t go for help, I’ve yelled, cajoled, been understanding with no result. He’s going to have to get himself out of this hole. I’m tired of it. I always come to the rescue but not this time. He didn’t take care of himself like he needs to and got into this mess. I’m done.”
I’d like to offer some help, but I don’t have any experience in this nor what might make her husband get help. Is there anything she can do at all other than threaten to leave? But I can tell you, that’s NOT going to happen.
I would HIGHLY recommend that your friend google “NAMI [name of state] Family to Family class.” That is the best way for getting advice and information about dealing with a loved one’s mental illness. I’m teaching my fourth class currently. The term I’ve heard used most often to describe the class is “life saving.”
This is above your pay grade - she needs more help than you can give. Mental illness is very tough on caregivers and loved ones.
MTA: Yelling and cajoling DO NOT WORK. That’s why she needs to go to the class. She could also check out the book, “I’m Not Sick, I Don’t Need Help.” It’s the gold standard.
I have a friend whose H had mental health issues resurface a few years ago after not being a problem for like 30 years. It has been very, very stressful on her and his health has declined SO much.
I agree that they both need professional health. I’m especially concerned that your friend seems to think this is something he should just be able to “pull together”. He needs medical help stat - maybe you can guide your friend to at least be able to accompany him to a few appointments to get the process started.
It is likely that he CANNOT do this on his own right now.
This is an understandable frustration but completely uneducated. Depression is not a choice. He didn’t choose to “not take care of himself”. Like others have said, your friend needs to seek the help/support of experts ASAP to help her understand how this disease (not “choice”) works.
Medication can all of a sudden not be the right dose or the right medication. Case in point as I mentioned, my friend’s husband. He was on a lose dose something for like 30 years without issue - then bam.
I think your friend is mostly venting. I am in a similar situation, and it is incredibly draining and isolating.
She should contact her husband’s psychiatrist and make an appt for him asap. Pulling in the doctor will allow her to not feel so alone.
My friend whose H has had severe depression says that the team of medical professionals he has have also provided her with many, many coping techniques and include her in the equation of treatment. She sees them as on her “team” and vice versa.
Lots of great advice here! I’m definitely going to look into that book @MaineLonghorn . I think the issue is getting him to go. She can’t force him to do anything. Perhaps this book, or help group will help her deal with it. Then in turn, she might be able to help him. They are just the nicest, thoughtful people. I agree she is just venting. I’m sure she had tried all these things over the course of 30 years. Thanks guys.
I was first dx’ed with MDD in my early teens and have been on and off meds ever since then. Off only when I couldn’t afford them and it was hell.
When you’re depressed, getting out of bed and living seems like the most useless thing in the world. So you don’t.
With that said, there’s only so much you can do to help a grown adult. I would call his doctor, whoever prescribed the meds, and tell them what’s going on. Prescription adjustments are very common just like they are with any chronic condition.
Giving your friend a safe space to vent is in itself helpful, @conmama, especially since she trusts you enough to let down her guard. Encouraging her to connect with a support group or professional help (for herself if her DH won’t go) is good. Depression is such an isolating disease that your simply staying in touch with her may be the best way you can offer support.
Your friend sounds exhausted. This is a terribly difficult position for her to be in.
Despite her being “done”, the best way for him to get help may be if she makes the psychiatrist appointment, drags him there, then sits in the office with him and explains to the doctor exactly what she is seeing. I’m in the mental health field and I have seen that this is often what it takes. He is likely not capable of doing it on his own, and he would likely not be an accurate reporter if he goes into the office by himself. Her presence would show the doctor how serious it is and she can provide important information.
He is really, really stubborn. I did mention she might think about calling his doctor and talking to him. I don’t know what it would take for him to agree to go. Too bad doctors still don’t make house calls, isn’t it? He’s the perfect example of someone who would benefit from that.
I assume he is about 70 or so? He needs a full medical check up, not just some nod to mental health. There might be many reasons for his current state. Get him to the GP or pay for a home consult. This is America, house calls are certainly available to those who would pay. .
@conmama, I just want to put in a word for you to TRY to help but NOT to get overly invested. It’s really hard to be the sounding board or the person to vent to.
Look out for yourself also.
I’ve been in a similar but not exact position. Where I’ve been the sounding board but the person does not/will not listen no matter how much I am trying. Sometimes people want you to listen but not give advice. And if that happens, try to be at peace with that.
Sometimes as much as you try, you can’t get the person to listen or try and make decisions you think would be easy to make.
Has your friend asked for your help or is she just needing to vent? If she isn’t directly asking for advice, I’d recommend just listening and validating her feelings. Often times people just need a soft place to vent and aren’t wanting more people telling them what to do.
@deb922 and @momofsenior1 , you are both correct. I think I’ll back away now with any advice unless she directly asks. I’ll just be the sympathetic listening ear.
