friends and diffrent college potential and "issues"

Parent Cafe
1

<p>well, my d came home upset, and it wasn’t one thing, it was kind of a mixed bag of stress- cried herself out a bit, and it seems she finds things just irratating, and is soooo tired of immature seniors…</p>

<p>one of her good good friends is applying EA to same college, and to be honest, my D has a better shot…but the friend has a great shot</p>

<p>but lately, friend has been gravitating to other girl who is a bit of a b–tch, and my gut is telling me that while my D is having a fantabulous year academically, and EC-wise, etc her friend is not shining as much, and is starting the letting go process</p>

<p>now my D is concerned that in 5 weeks when they both find out about EA school, if one or the other makes it or doesn’t, its going to add more stress on the friendship</p>

<p>for instance, D got into a safety school this week, a Cal Poly which is sooo comforting, but she doesn’t want to even mention it…&lt;/p>

<p>sigh, I know there is nothing we can do, they will work it out and it is all part of the letting go process (yeah, I am ready when it MY turn), its just hard to see this, when there is enough stress already, without friends getting a bit jealous and insecure, when they should be there for each other</p>

<p>but it is hard when bestest friends have different caliber reaches, matches and safeties, and when one will “escape” to the dream school and the friend may not make it</p>

<p>I think we have great instate schools, but you also hear kids bad mouthing those schools, while your Ds other friend’s dream is to go there</p>

<p>my D is SOOOOO ready for April…she said if she gets into her dream school, she wants to get that sweatshirt, but then if her friend doesn’t. she will jsut have to temper her glee</p>

<p>off to dream land…and we find cookies and sex in the city episodes help</p>

2

<p>Talk about deja vu all over again…your D’s problem sounds like mine 30 years ago! Kids this age are so in tune to what their peers think, about everything! It’s so hard to ignore it, I know, but your D has to think about what’s best for her. </p>

<p>I myself had two friends who criticized just about everything I did or said up until the end of senior year…when one of them only got into her safety school and the other was waitlisted at her #1 school (but eventually did get in—long after graduation.) Meanwhile, I applied to 5 schools, got 5 acceptances (including an Ivy) but ended up at my financial safety (still a very respectable LAC) and had a fabulous time at college. Eventually both friends got over it and were glad for me.</p>

<p>DD has an acceptance from a school that one of her friends was rejected from. She hasn’t told her yet…and they’re both also waiting to hear from our flagship state U, and I have a feeling that it’s going to be the same outcome.</p>

<p>Everything has a way of working out in the end…it’s not what she needs to hear right now, but it will eventually. As for the early acceptance, I think it’s great she’s got one under her belt and it’s too bad she doesn’t feel comfortable enough to share it with her friend.</p>

3

<p>it’s equally as bad here – where 12 kids in my daughter’s small class are applying early to the same Ivy. Same situation years ago – ten applied early, nine were accepted. Can you imagine the social dynamics in that class? I’m so glad my daughter isn’t part of the 12 – because judging by how the parents are acting, I can’t imagine the tension among the kids themselves! It’s the first time that I can recall being grateful my daughter doesn’t have many friends at her school. What does that say? Ugh.</p>

4

<p>I’m actually impressed with the way the kids I know are handling it. It’s all really hard. A few weeks ago, my son burst out in tears – he was feeling that he finally knew he really wanted to go to X college more than anything, but two of his best friends at school were also going to apply early there, and he couldn’t imagine anyone taking him rather than them (or that all three of them would get in). (And, objectively, he’s not entirely wrong.)</p>

<p>Eventually, he called one of his rivals to talk about it. She was really gracious, and told him that she had already had the same cry about him. (She is really a nice person.) That made him feel a little better. I think he only gets frustrated and upset, and lashes out, at home.</p>

<p>In my daughter’s cohort, most of her friends had some good news and some bad news, so things were pretty even. She was a little jealous of Girl A, who got into my daughter’s first choice college when my daughter didn’t, but she knew there was a good chance that would happen and so was ready for it (and they weren’t that close). </p>

<p>Three of D’s friends had pretty much only bad news. One was a girl everyone considered a star, and it was fairly inexplicable. She kept a good sense of humor about it, and got lots of sympathy from everyone. It helped that the only acceptance she eventually got was from her first choice school. Another insisted on applying to only two schools, both hyperselective. I’m sure she felt bad, and others felt bad for her, but the sympathy she got was tempered by the fact that everyone had told her she was nuts to be doing what she did. The third was the real nightmare: a wonderful kid who is strong, but very quiet and steady. Not a top student. Musically inclined, but not likely to solo with any orchestras. She didn’t know where she was going to college until late June (although things also worked out very well for her). Luckily, she does not have an envious bone in her body, and her friends positively wrapped her in support, but I know she had some tough, tough moments at home.</p>

<p>Fundamentally, though, kids who have been close friends for years are making individual choices that will pry them apart, that emphasize the differences they paper over in their day-to-day interactions. My daughter had the opportunity to go to the same school as two of her best friends, and all three of them knew perfectly well what it meant when she chose not to. (But they knew those things in advance, too. The friends would have been completely shocked if she had made a different decision. They are all still friends.) And other people are looking at them and saying, “You!, but not you.” When boys (or girls, pick your frame of reference) do that, it causes a lot of tension, too.</p>

5

<p>My S’s school is so diverse that students know that their friends will apply to different schools. It’s when they apply to the same school that they are careful not to discuss their school choice. My S did not know that 10 other students (at least) had applied to Harvard in his year until they were all admitted, some EA, some RD.</p>

6

<p>My D graduated HS last year. She said her senior peers rarely taked about college applications or SATs etc. Maybe it was because she attended a creative and performing arts HS, I don’t know.</p>

<p>In the end, there were the usual disappointments. one fried applied to about a dozen schools but was only accepted at his safety. Validictorian at another HS went on and on about a particular Ivy and her plans therew in the fall, and was rejected.</p>

<p>Low key and humble is the best approach this time of year.</p>

7

<p>I’m really glad that my son and his friends didn’t discuss their college application process too much. They also seemed clueless about who got what test scores or grades. There was a wide range of abilities and talents in the group, so maybe they sensed that no good would come from detailed discussion!</p>

<p>marite, Harvard took 10+ students from the same high school class? WOW!</p>

8

<p>

Of course she will. That’s just common decency.</p>

<p>

While college opportunity is a biggie, hopefully these kids have learned graciousness in victory and defeat all throughout their formative years. We have to teach our kids not to blow their own horns, because nobody will be happy for them if they do. If you’ve won the college prize, tone down the celebration & put yourself in the shoes of the disappointed friend. Act accordingly.</p>

9

<p>at my s’s school, it isn’t the kids who are competitive about college admissions, it is the parents. The kids are genuinely happy about other’s acceptances and openly congratulate each other. The parents tend to be weird about it, like if your kid gets in somewhere, it might be taking their kid’s spot. </p>

<p>Oh well, it’s nice to post here and get a hearty congratulations! :)</p>

10

<p>At my d’s school, it was both the kids and the parents who were overly competitive, but only certain kids and their parents…keeping it in the family I guess. My d had only one in her group that obsessed and made patronizing comments about the caliber of my d’s and other friends’ choices. Thank goodness, this girl got into her ‘almost-Ivy’ school ED and kinda calmed down; but by prom, her parents were still crowing obnoxiously at every public gathering. The rest of her group were VERY lowkey about their acceptances, as were their parents…and in that little group we had Harvard, Cornell, WUSTL, Dartmouth, Duke, UNC-CH, Rice and West Point acceptances. In fact, I wasn’t even aware of most of those decisions until senior awards night. </p>

<p>CGM - I know the anxiety your d feels…mine went through the same thing. Even refused to apply to one school because of one particularly competitive friend (yes, the one mentioned above). She wasn’t that taken with the school anyway, but I will always wonder if it had been her ‘dream school’, would my d have allowed herself to be driven away by the pressure.</p>

11

<p>MY D had a very competitive cohert her year, several on to Ivys, etc., and the kids were extremely intense. One girl, a real golden girl at school wanted Ivy XYZ, not a slightly lesser Ivy (in her mind, as her family had legacy there), but Golden Boy applied and got it to XYZ. Those kids have now graduated, but golden girl still despises golden boy for taking “her spot” at XYZ! Now that is crazy intense…guess she burned the sweatshirt she’d been wearing around all fall!</p>

12

<p>

Ouch! The dreaded ECPS. Elite College Premature Sweat-shirtization. Never a good thing.</p>

13

<p>Ag54, I agree with you, the parents are the ones who are competing, not the kids. Last year my S applied to one of the Ivies, five other kids applied to the same school, but only my S was accepted and when he decided to enroll somewhere else, one of the mothers was furious at me saying that if my S wasn’t sure to enroll there, why did he took his S’s spot. I was speechless at the moment and I wasn’t ready to disclosure that my S had chosen not me, but her S approached mine to congratulate him and telling him that he was also happy to get into one of his choices.
This year, it’s my D’s turn to apply to colleges; I don’t even talk about it with other parents, just in case.</p>

14

<p>My kids didn’t/don’t discuss where they were accepted with their friends. If their friends ask, they tell them one or two state public schools and leave it at that. </p>

<p>The school, on the other hand, goes to great lengths to share this information with the public, which I HATE. They produce an end of year list, which includes student names, acceptances, and scholarships. On another page they put scholarship names and the amount of dollars, which basically lets everyone know how much money each student ended up with. Personally, I think it’s crass, but that’s just me. My advice to my kids was to tell friends where they’re going, if it comes up, but not all the places they “got into.”</p>

15

<p>wow, that is crass…who thinks this is a good idea?</p>

<p>at our school, one girl fibbed about what school she was going to, for a variety of reasons she was going to a CC for a couple of years, but told everyone she was going to ABC College…at graduation the school puts next tot he graduates name what school they will be attending, which to me is ludicrous as the list is made up a month before graduation, and things can change between then and the fall</p>

<p>this poor girl…she was asked about it, and the school was kind but could have been kinder…she shouldn’t be embarrassed about her choice, as CC are perfectly repsectible…if she really felt the need to hide where she was going, they should have allowed for Undecided…or NOYB…I have suggested they not name the colleges kids are going to</p>

<p>what if financial circumstances change dramtically and in the brochure it says Joe is going to Uber Expensive School, and suddenly he needs to go to Not So Expensive chool and then when people ask cause its all in writing for all to see, he has to say, well, no, I am not goig there, where if its not shown to all, if someone does ask, the student can say what is current if they so choose</p>

16

<p>city- that is exactly why I hate the “list” so much. It, too, is attached to the graduation program and is the page that all the parents go to first. Moments before the ceremony, on the happiest day of our kids’ lives, there everyone is, whispering and clucking over who got into where. It’s disgusting, as is the follow up page with the scholarships and dollars. Ewww.</p>

<p>This is just one crass level above the other anxiously awaited document, produced and mailed to us every year- the Donor’s Lists. They list all the families or people that have donated money throughout the past year under different categories- the Executive Club- $500,000 and up; Founders Club- $250,000 and up; all the way down to the “under $100” group. I feel sorry for the Under $100’s. How embarassing. Eww again. I am looking forward to being done.</p>

17

<p>we have a dinner ever yyear thanking the donors, the more $$ you give the closer to the center you are…my friends and I, well, we are always almost on the sidewalk or in the bathroom…ours is divided a bit more graciouslly, with under 2500 club…</p>

<p>as for the lists, yeah, not necessary…we have the jocks wandering around with their colleges already in hand after being recruited…and some smart jocks and some real numbsculls</p>

18

<p>I agree with those who dislike the posting of schools and scholarships. Our hs does that, and it just causes hard feelings and hostility. The only point could be to compare students’ relative “successes”. (Like, “oh wow, I can’t believe he got in there and she didn’t” or “that must have been because of AA (or legacy or sports)” or “good thing they have alot of money”). I have no problem with the collective statistic that the class of 200X received a total of $XXX in scholarship money, though I don’t know why anyone would care.</p>

19

<p>Our h.s. actually puts the scholarship page in the yearbook in addition to recognition at a senior awards banquet. (They do not put this info in the graduation program which, due to the size of our school, is just a whambamthankyoum’am drive-by diploma distribution.) Until recently, I thought the yearbook thing was a nice recognition of achievement and hard work, until I saw the ultimate of abuses in this year’s book as well as at senior awards. One NMF actually listed every college that sent her a letter describing their guaranteed NM scholarship package…her list was ridiculous. All NMFs rec’d these letters, but the others only listed scholarships actually awarded to them by colleges where they had applied and been accepted.</p>

<p>Our district puts a good deal of public emphasis on the total scholarship dollars awarded each year, so I’m sure no one in administration was willing to step up and say what this girl did was a little much.</p>

20

<p>

Well, I wear my Notre Dame sweatshirt every Saturday in the fall. But I guess nobody would mistake me for a hopeful H.S. senior.</p>