We have a helping parents thread…but what about this.
How do you reach out and help friends who are having significant health issues. Right now, we have four family friends who are having serious health issues, and we want to be mindful of their privacy, but would like them to know we are thinking of them, or would like to help.
Any thoughts??
My latest is a Costco run.
Toilet paper, paper towels, boxed oat or soy milk, dried cranberries and mango, a bag of pistachio nuts or whatever snack you think the non- health impaired family member would like, big box of Cheerios, chocolate or something yummy from the front of the store near the registers.
It can sit in the garage or pantry in the big Costco box if nobody can deal with unpacking it. It will keep for a very long time if they don’t need it right now. It’s not as intrusive as showing up with dinner (although if they are close friends and would appreciate it, that’s a great idea. But I know a lot of families don’t like the implication “we can’t even make our own dinner right now”). And it doesn’t feel like “we are pathetic”, it feels like “just to let you know we’re thinking of you”.
There was a young widow in my neighborhood who honestly could deal with everything. But just keeping non-perishables in the house was the straw that broke the camel’s back for her. Anything that doesn’t need immediate attention (in the freezer, in the fridge, needs to be reheated, take the foil off before microwaving.) There were people doing Meal Train rotations when she needed them, but the Costco run was always appreciated.
Check in a little more than you normally would. Not daily but now and then check in or send a light hearted pic or article…
If you’re going to a store you know they like let them know and offer to pick up any needs/wants for them.
Great ideas…keep them coming.
What about a friend who is now in a long term rehab…post stroke. Definitely can use some cheering up. I did visit and took flowers when I was there, and a friend and I have sent flowers twice additionally. Doesn’t really need…”stuff”. Can already watch just about anything they want on TV…but what else? This is a hard one!
Offer to walk or take their dog for a play date with yours. Maybe to do vet visits. Or let the dog out/walk the dog or feed the pets if they have long medical visits/distant medical visits/someone is hospitalized. Or even pick up pet food if they get it other than at the grocery store. It can be really hard to spare bandwidth for a pet when you’re caretaking for a family member and a lot of people feel really guilty about neglecting their animals. Plus an under exercised dog is a PIA dog at a time when they really don’t need that. It’s an easy thing to pick up the burden on especially if it can be shared among a few friends.
My take is to not worry about “stuff” but time. Visit but don’t feel obligated to bring stuff. Or offer to weed their garden or assist with laundry - using your time to help them with things that will help them feel more normal and not falling behind in home routines.
Any small errand is a huge help, Let them know if you are going to the supermarket. pharmacy, post office, etc.
I like the ideas of helping with chores, cutting grass, walking dog, etc.
A crossword puzzle book? A deck of cards or easy games for her room when people visit? Gift cards for take out/delivery places when she just can’t stand the food at her place?
Is she allowed to leave for meals or even a walk?
Is there someone on the outside who would like to visit but would need help to do that? A neighbor, friend from church?
She is a two person assist at this point. So this would be hard.
I like the idea of delivery food cards…that might be good. I’m going to look at places near where she is that do Uber Eats, or deliver. I know I can have a local and well liked bakery deliver there!
I’m sure your visit is exactly what she wants.
And I will visit when I’m in her town. I don’t live there…so this is a particularly hard one.
I do think the food cards is a good idea for her. And these might be good for the other friends who are also having their challenges.
I have also reached out to more local friends who are trying to visit on a regular basis. They might have some ideas too.
Call often and stay in regular contact.
When a friend loses a spouse, I help them write the thank you/condolence notes. They write out a generic sample draft and I write the ones to people whose handwriting they won’t know, or sometimes I bring my ipad and look up addresses for them. Sometimes over coffee, sometimes over a bottle of wine. it is always appreciated.
My good friend and neighbor is undergoing cancer treatment. I (and other friends) have driven her places and gone to appointments and treatments. She is quite independent so hasn’t wanted a lot of meals, but we bring her dinner often or include her in a take-out order. The most important thing is to keep in close touch (depending on the level of the relationship) and offer companionship and assistance, while allowing the person to stay as independent as possible.
My DH was ill a lot in 2025 and he mostly appreciated visits and calls. Folks wanted to bring him things, but time and company were the best gifts.
I’m going to visit one friend this afternoon. Taking her two DVDs…one of a show she was in to share with her family. The other a funny one I think she will enjoy. And I’ll bring her a sweet treat from the bakery I’m also going to today.
I just happened to send her a text asking how she was doing…and that I would be in her town today. She said…come visit…that’s what she needs the most!
How does this sound…another friend has a family member in the hospital. My friend is a tea drinker so I’m thinking about getting her a selection of teas, and a new tea mug. I can just drop that at her house and it will be there when she gets home. With a nice note also!
My close friend and former art teacher seemed to have worsening dementia, lived alone, has no kids, one elderly cousin who watches over her but kept telling me she couldn’t deal with the situation. I got my friend on insurance for PCP, got referral to neuro, but eye doctor sent her to MGH before I could get her to neuro, and she has a terminal glioblastoma.
This friend is an acupuncturist and has avoided the medical system, so needed a lot of company and support for spinal tap, MRI’s- even blood pressure cuff caused distress. After surgery her cognition and language were worse, but went back to baseline in a few weeks, meaning still not great. She is not doing chemo or radiation and has a few months to live.
I went in every day and got a lot of criticism for it from my kids, who know I have done a lot of caregiving and want me to avoid any more. I was proxy but avoided P of A. I saw my involvement as intense but limited. I found her a placement in assisted living where things are going well.
I withdrew from proxy, from the portal, and don’t go to appointments now. The cousin is managing things and I visit once or twice a week. I recently did the UVM end of life doula class. A coincidence since I finished before all this. I may be present toward the end as a friend along with hospice. I buy her muffins and juice and toilet paper.
I struggled with boundaries and how much to be involved when no one else was doing anything. Living alone with serious cognitive deficits was dangerous. I felt like I had no choice. I talked with a therapist due to the stress and therapist said I did a good job managing the exit from the intensity. Therapist said it was otherwise a black hole.
I read there is a balanced place between overinvolvement and abandonment and I am trying to find that place. I am sad for my friend but I believe I express empathy with action.
There are a lot of good suggestions here. We all think of our friend/family member, going through an illness or treatment; they need our love and support. I would like to make another suggestion; don’t forget their spouse or other immediate family members. The most thoughtful and used gift I received while my husband was ill, was a blanket and socks to keep in my go bag for the hospital. The rooms can be cold, and it was nice to curl up for a quick nap and cuddle in the blanket. They went to Nordstom Rack and got a Barefoot Dreams blanket and fuzzy socks and a lightweight tote bag. The bag was large enough to fit the blanket, socks, my toiletries and a couple of other items. I liked having a few things of my own during the long hospital stays, and more comfortable than the cotton hospital blankets!
My husband enjoyed the visits with friends when he was up to it, just don’t overstay the visit. My uncle has a rule, he never visits anyone in the hospital for more than 10 minutes!
As the solo caregiver for my husband, I did enjoy the DoorDash gift cards. It allow me to have a dinner delivered from wherever my husband requested. We didn’t use them often, but it was a nice change, and a day out of the kitchen for me!
I visited my one friend today and took her baked goods and lemonade. We had a great visit. We also did some pictures and a short text conversation with our mutual friend whose spouse is having health issues.
It was a good day.
My father is 99, lives at home (with help of a younger wife). He loves it when people come to visit. Until recently, it worked well if the visitor took him out for a walk with his rollator. (Yesterday the visiting PT did it.). When family/friends stop by for a visit, there is always an offer to take them out to a meal or if not up to that bring in take-out food. One good friend loves to bake and makes sure they have all the pumpkin bread etc that they want.
The nicest recent friend favor was handyman work… buying a replacement ceiling fan and installing it. That was a huge help! Their friend no longer goes on ladders, so actually arranged for a younger guy to come along for the project. Warmed my heart.
My mom’s best friend was very ill and eventually passed away. My mom went to visit her every day after work. My dad’s friend had Parkinson’s with dementia, and my dad spent time with him regularly so that his wife could get out of the house.
My parents were incredibly fortunate to have neighbors who helped them when they eventually needed it. My mom had some sort of dementia, and her friends helped her play cards when it got confusing for her. One couple picked my mom up once a week to go to Sonic for milkshakes - it gave my dad a much needed breather. When Mom was in the hospital, her friends visited regularly, just to say hi for a few minutes. After my mom died, my dad got sick. The neighbors stopped by regularly to say hi and make sure he was okay. One couple wanted to return north to be near their kids, but they put the move off until after my dad passed away.
I haven’t had any friends who have needed help, but I hope that watching my parents has given me the life lessons I need to be able to be there for my friends if they are in need. They & their friends showed me that it doesn’t have to be a big gesture to have a real impact.