This venting/fixing split often (but not always) has a female/male split. Deborah Tannen talks about it at length in “You Just Don’t Understand.”
You don’t agree that people who give lots of unsolicited advice aren’t a good match for me? Because that’s all I said. I’m sure they’re a good match for other people.
I’m also not a venter at all, and I don’t really get along with people who vent a lot, but I do understand that everyone needs to vent sometimes.
Men are from north East Lansing and women are from south East Lansing?
The disagreement was on associating it with an authoritarian personality type. I’ve seen authoritarian types who are on both sides of the fence on this very issue.
Sounds like the culture of male machismo in my old NYC neighborhood prevalent among male peers and fathers/older male neighbors is one of that…cept the “no” may be in the form of being yelled at for being “too whiny” with some possible servings of a few knuckle sandwiches.
While I agree that culture is very unhealthy, I couldn’t help, but muse at how many of my older male college classmates with a tendency to vent/complain endlessly over matters they could have easily handled themselves if they put their minds to it were exceedingly sheltered in their upper-middle class suburban/well-off urban enclaves and would not have lasted 5 minutes in my old NYC neighborhood or even at the less violent, but no less intolerant of venting/endless complaining atmosphere of my STEM-centered public magnet.
I refer to one of my now ex-friends (I couldn’t take it anymore) as a “bastion of unsolicited advice”. Most of it was bad. She loved to rail on about how to deal with the kids. She was divorced (no surprise) - with no kids.
Ah, I see. That’s not what I meant at all, but I see how you could read it that way. What I meant is that even well-meaning advice triggers my anti-authoritarian streak; that doesn’t mean the advice givers are authoritarian but rather that I have a hair trigger and know myself well enough to steer clear of chronic advice givers because I don’t react well to unsolicited advice.
The summer before I set off for my freshman year at Reed I had a part-time job as a gardener’s helper. I cut lawns, trimmed bushes, raked gardens, etc. I made maybe $1.50 per hour. And summers in L.A are hot! After learning that I was heading to college in August, my boss asked about the college.
Frankly, most people who lived in Portland, OR, didn’t know where Reed was located (this based on a poll taken when I was at Reed). And neither did my boss. But he was convinced that I was making a mistake. Why not go to Pierce Junior College or Valley College? Low cost, easy to get to, close to my family’s home in the San Fernando Valley. I told him – in so many words – that I had bigger plans. He said I was making a big mistake. He had never even heard of Reed. Then again, only a handful of my classmates in high school had heard of it. And I hadn’t ever even seen it myself.
But I wanted to keep the job, and to get along with the gardener, so I finally thanked him for his advice and said I would think about it.
I have a few older friends and relatives who really cannot have an “equal” conversation: every time you even mention that you are considering doing something, they chime in and tell you what do do instead. Example: “Oh I must remember to max out my IRA tomorrow before the deadline”, “Don’t contribute to an IRA when you are saving for a house”. OK… I don’t think I asked? Some are now so extreme that I basically grey rock them now.
Like the whole self-esteem/bullies thing, I often wonder whether it’s a case of this person being really insecure about their life choices and feeling the need to push them onto others for validation, or being really secure about their choices and feeling able to share their incredible wisdom with us lesser folk. I think it’s a mixture of both.
Seems to correlate highly with classic middle-age bragging posts on Facebook.
As a middle age (or slightly older 
) person, I would say such advice given by “few older friends and relatives” is meant to be well meaning because they care about you and want you to benefit from the knowledge they’ve gained and prevent you from making mistakes that they might have made at your age. I seriously doubt it is intended with any malice, lack of self-esteem, or bullying. If they didn’t give a rat’s patootie about you, it would be easier to keep their mouth shut. (ok, we all know a few who pontificate for the sole purpose of hearing themselves talk but I don’t think that represents the majority of people)
So, listen to what they say, nod, and smile. There’s a chance there might be a nugget or two of helpful info in there. If not, in one ear and out the other. Better to be less cynical about other people’s intentions. People in general like to be helpful. No more, no less.
I think you’re oversimplifying there a bit. Of course what you say is true about the bulk of people, but there are always a few who just want to hold court and tell people what to do.
“So, listen to what they say, nod, and smile.” is pretty close to grey rocking! I’d just add, try to avoid giving them prompts for speeches in the first place. I tend to keep the conversation light and avoid serious topics. I’ve become a master of “I’m leaving the college search to D”.
Also a bit of self-deprecation always seems to throw the advice givers off-for the person I have in mind in particular, if you’re not seriously talking up your own life choices then something seriously wrong.
My hair stylist, who is a poster child for bad life choices, always wants to tell me what to do. What restaurant to try, where to go on vacation, how to stay involved with my kids, etc… I take her advice on hair styles, and smile and not at the rest. But I don’t nod if she is holding the scissors.
I have the full engineer personality and used to be a fixer. According to research, giving advice when a it was not requested is a warning sign you are not great at relationships. It minimizes the other person’s feelings.
Not being naturally gifted at interpersonal stuff, I follow the Gottman Center blog and it provides good reminders on how to change how I respond to people. I am much more pleasant to be around now.
There appears that there are two types of fixers on this thread. The ones who say “this is what I would do” and the ones who say “this is what you should do, and if you don’t, you’re an idiot”.
I really try to stay in the former category. I also try not to ever say “I told you so”-I stick with “well that just stinks” when the dumpster fire inevitably happens.
I’m also getting better at sticking to the “not my circus, not my monkeys” mantra.
I think some people like to imagine what they’d do in a similar situation and others just want to be heard. I can’t imagine many hair stylists get to go on a lot of vacations or eat out a lot. The ones in our area don’t seem to from the way they talk. My husband’s dad loved,to give advice. When he did, I’d ask him why he’d do things that way. We’d usually end up in a conversation about his life and situations he’d encountered. Sometimes I followed his advice, but mostly not. It didn’t really matter. He was a worrier, and once he felt we’d considered all the options he was happy to leave us to our decisions.