I am struggling with my best friend. She decided, rightfully, to divorce a few years ago. My life was running smoothly so of course every conversation was about her and the divorce, the kids, etc. etc. That was perfectly OK, I was happy to be the person she leaned on. This spring a few of us decided to have a little getaway for the weekend. This was at a time when my oldest son was starting a new job and looking at moving out and my middle son just chose a college 1000 miles away and I was coming to terms with what that will mean for me and my life. I really needed to spend some time talking about it, but the entire weekend was spent on her discussing her new cross country relationship and how messy her life is. I was so disappointed - I rarely need to talk about my issues but I needed it that time. So, now something happened with her long distance relationship and she wants to get the girls together for another weekend. Right now it looks like it’ll happen shortly after we take my son to school. I am anticipating all of the feelings associated with that and would usually count on these ladies to help me through it, but I feel like the whole weekend will be hijacked with her drama. I love her and she is my best friend, but I’m not sure I’ll have the energy for her. I’m not making any decisions about her weekend right now. My heart just isn’t in it.
How about saying “I’m up for a weekend. I’ll be needing some support from my friends as I deal with my feelings around (insert your concerns). It’ll be a stressful time for me” or something along those lines. Sometimes you need to assert yourself and state your needs, too. Ask for what you need!
You’re right @doschicos . I’m just the worst at asking for help.
A long-term best friend is worth her weight in gold. Treasure the relationship, but do as doschicos recommends: be honest and tell her that you’re going through something emotionally difficult and look forward to her insights/support. And then during the weekend, remind her subtly a few times, that you need some venting/advice too. It takes a while for some people to get the hint - but if she cares for you like you care for her, eventually she’ll step up. If not… then you know that she’s a fair weather friend, someone you can’t really lean on. That can be disappointing but it clarifies the interaction. Good luck.
“And then during the weekend, remind her subtly a few times, that you need some venting/advice too.”
And hopefully she won’t need reminding and it’ll just be a great cathartic weekend for both of you. And you aren’t the only two I assume.
BUT–she is the one organizing the weekend and since she is your BF then you probably have a good idea about the outcome.
To decline does NOT mean you aren’t best friends in the least. It just means you aren’t up to handling her emotional drama over your own feelings right now.
OTOH–if you think getting together with “the girls” will be fun and give you new perspective–DO IT!
Even with my best friend in tow I’ve often found that someone else has a fresh view or attitude that makes me see things in a new light. Not all great revelations come from those we know best.
I think some people are takers and some are givers. You’re in the pattern than she takes and you give. The issue is how to break that. The other thing may be that she is jealous of your problems, meaning that she isn’t validating your problems because she wishes they were hers. Instead of being single, she wishes she had normal married problems and doesn’t want to hear them. Either consciously or unconsciously.
Doesn’t mean it’s right or that you shouldn’t point them out if she’s a really good friend
See if there’s a way to use the other women on the weekend to try and get the attention off her.
I also agree with Doschicos. You can make your email or text to all not seem heavy, but that you can’t wait to be with your gal pals as you really need to be with them! Hopefully your BFF will realize your weekends away can’t be all about her. You will have to speak up for sure.
I am not sure if your friend is able to stop thinking and talking about her drama right now. The way you worded it, something major happened in her life and so she organized another girls weekend.
She may think you are butting in on her weekend to talk about her issue. I think open and honest communication is best, but is your friend really capable of shutting herself down so you can talk about your feelings?
It might be good to let her vent to the other girls this time, and find other enjoyable ways to relax that weekend.
If she asks why you are not coming, you can honestly tell her you are going through some tough transitions and are not able to be a good listener right now. Tell her you need to focus on your own feelings.
I feel like I attended a moms dinner acouple of months ago with this exact same person! I think asking for support in advance makes a lot of sense. Otherwise, going on this trip I’d be more miserable than staying home!
As someone who is generally a giver, one of the hard things is sometimes to learn to take. Friendship should be a two way street, my old therapist described a one way friendship as trying to play tennis by yourself. You know your friend better than anyone else, is she someone that constantly has drama in her life or does it just happen the last couple of years have been bad? And have you always been the one she leans on? If so, then likely this coming weekend it is likely she will do the same thing, since she was the one who called for it, and you likely will be lost in the shuffle. I have no way of knowing past dynamics, but if you have been the giver, likely even if you tell her you need some support and empathy, you likely will end up with a weekend with her going on about her dramas. If the other women are likely to be sympathetic and help, you might want to go still, but to be honest my gut feeling, based on obviously the very little you has posted, is that you may be better off begging off, because I suspect her drama will dominate things and likely to be blunt she demand that attention, people with constant dramas IME need that, they want the attention and so forth. One test would be to beg off (I don’t know if you are using some sort of shared communication, would work best with that) and say something like “I am working through some tough emotional issues at this moment and don’t think I would be much help or fun to be around”. If this woman responds with “oh, please come, I really need you with everyone else, I am really in a tough place” it will confirm that she is a one way person, if she says “oh, I am so sorry, what can I do to help?” then you know she is capable of support (and my gut tells me it would be the prior, rather than the latter). More importantly, other women in the group may/likely will reach out to you, and you can get some support from the ones who bother.
One last question to ask yourself, in the time you have known her, before the divorce and her latest relationship tsimmis, was she there for you, or were you her constant source of strength, especially in the period that led up to the divorce? Patterns will tell you a lot, and it sounds to me like likely this behavior went on long before the divorce, that likely you were her pet sounding board/hand holder for a lot of drama (since it sounds like the marriage was rough long before the divorce). People don’t change their stripes that much, and expecting someone who was a taker all this time to suddenly find room for empathy for you may be a fool’s errand, to be honest (and I could be wrong, if in the past she was always there for you, then there could be hope).
YOU are HER best friend… I’m not sure it works the other way around.
When you’re on a plane, and the flight attendants are giving the safety spiel, they always say this: If the Oxygen masks should drop down, put yours on first!!! You can’t help someone else if you can’t breathe.
I would beg off on the weekend. You know that you’ll need to spend that particular time period on yourself.
@bjkmom:
You must have had my therapist lol…that oxygen mask analogy must be the first thing they learn in training:)
How funny.
Nope, no therapist. But I’m a mom and a high school teacher-- I’ve used it any number of kids who were struggling with friend issues.
Doschicos is right. Try to make it clear from the get go that you are there for her, but you need her to be there for you. I would say something like “Sounds Great! I really will really need you 'cause S2 is abandoning me to go to college and I will be a mess. Let’s make a pact - first glass of wine we talk about the horrors of long distance relationship, and second glass of wine we talk about empty nesting”. Then hold her to it. Don’t be afraid to say, as you pour the second glass of wine, “my turn.”
OP here, thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I am still evaluating how I feel and have given myself permission to not attend if I am not up for it. i am an optimist at heart, would love to go and come home with my psyche recharged the way I usually do. I guess the weeks after drop off will give me my answer!
I would also think through possible strategies to use if you decide to go to girls weekend.
If you tell your friend ahead of time about your own emotional needs, but she continues to demand all the attention for her drama, you should have some ideas of how to physically walk away (shopping, exercising, walking on beach) or coming up with a headache and needing to lie down and take a nap. Allow yourself the possibility of leaving in the middle of the weekend if her drama becomes too much.
It is not selfish to put your needs as top priority.
Thank you @powercropper . The more I hear that, the more it will sink in 
This is the weekend, I haven’t decided if I am going to go tonight with the rest of the crew or just tomorrow and Sunday. I haven’t heard a peep from her in about two months, although my sister invited herself to spend the weekend with my friend to get some advice from her. They both have daughters that are sort of on the fringe socially so that is something I cannot relate to, but it does leave me feeling left out (that sounds pathetic). Anyhow, I will give it 24 hours to gauge where things stand and decide how I want to go forward. The good news is that my son is thriving at his college and doing all kinds of interesting things. The bad news is, I’m not sure anyone will want to hear it. I already have two escape plans to get a break - I volunteered to get take out lunch for everyone on Saturday and have a book club meeting Sunday that I can leave early for.
I can’t believe your sister would invite herself to your weekend?!? You have every right to feel perturbed!
You have lost any chance at all to seek comfort and understanding from either your sister or your BFF. Are you really up for this? You can still back out…
If you feel obligation to go, take some time today to re-center your emotions and your expectations. Think up some alternate ways you can recharge with the other girls. Card or board games? Cooking together in the kitchen?
Or just list out some ways you can recharge on your own. Retiring to your bedroom or front porch to read a book? Taking a walk? Arts/crafts? Writing out your emotions, just for theurapeutic value?
Baseline is this…will you be able to find the joy in this adventure? There should be some fun involved, why else would you put yourself in this situation?
Regarding your BFF’s silence, is this normal? Does she only contact you when she needs you? Does she ever just check in to see how you are doing? Understandably, the divorce has shaken her and she may not be acting like her true self. Only you can decide if her long term pattern has always been a selfish one.
This weekend could be a social experiment, where you wait out and see if sister or BFF ever ask about you. How you are doing with the changes in your life. What you witness may change how you describe this friend as your BFF.
And learning that your friend doesn’t hold you in as high a regard can guide you to make better choices for yourself. You can choose to ease back on your side of the friendship, be less available to support her.
One last thought…don’t dismiss the other girls that are there this weekend. Be open to having fun times with them. Pay attention to how they interact with you. Are they showing genuine care and concern, asking about you and being interested in your stories? Not that you want to drag out your deepest emotions with them, but keep your eyes open for other people you may want to develop deeper friendships with.
Best of luck to you this weekend. Come back and let us know how it goes.
ETA: just realized it is Saturday and you are most likely already with your friends. Sending good thoughts!