<p>hi all! Need the voice of seasoned parents:</p>
<p>I am in need of a good rant so here goes. We dropped off ds last week at school. Since then he has managed to communicate with us 2x and only at my request. I am starved for communication!! This week has come and gone and he has made no effort at all to communicate with his family. I know and understand that this is an important time for him to bond with floor mates and make friends etc. However I am angry and resentful that he cant even be bothered to acknowledge txts to legitimate requests. IE “money was deposited in to your account today” per his FB request for deposit for txt books. “box was mailed out today” and finally the most annoying of all, “check mail room today for box as they close at 4.” At this point I don’t know if he got it, cared to look for it, or just too lazy to make the trek to mail room. I should state that we have a very good bond and I am not a hoverer parent but I am somewhat “ferklepmt” with his attitude. Of course it is normal but it is still ANNOYING as H*… I so want to call him and rant and rave but I wont just venting… What do you all do?? Also I am making excuses to his little brother for his lack of communication like he “PROMISED”… :(</p>
<p>We agreed before they ever went off to school that we expected a call once a week - 5 to 10 minutes is fine. I’d certainly make allowance contingent on a call.</p>
<p>Well–I hate to say it but males in particular are not good at reading minds. You didn’t ask any questions in your messages, so he probably didn’t figure there was any need for a response. Just because you would naturally answer with a “Thanks mom–I got the package!” doesn’t mean he would. Try not to take it personally. I’m fairly certain he’s not trying to hurt your feelings.</p>
<p>^^^This! My son agreed to a weekly phone call and we agreed to pay for the phone. (This was before text messaging.) But if I left a message mid-week, Usually about a bank deposit or package, I still wouldn’t hear from him until Sunday. When I got annoyed at him ignoring my mid-week calls, I talked to him about it and he said he didn’t want to bother me and knew he would talk to me on Sunday. So, I was stewing thinking he was ignoring me and thought he was being thoughtful!</p>
<p>I’m sorry you’re having a hard time right now. I would encourage you not to vent to him. That’s what we CC’ers are here for!! :)</p>
<p>The weekly phone call is a good rule of thumb. Did you set up a day/time, say Sunday evening? This can really help. I also agree if the text didn’t ask a question your son may not have thought it needed a response. Been there, done that!! My son launched about a month ago. Try rephrasing texts. “Make sure you get your package by 4 and let me know you got it okay.”. He then knows when a response is expected. Not everything needs a response however even though we might like one. </p>
<p>Finding a ‘new normal’ in communication is difficult. After the first month it seems to get better. Vent here as venting to him will only add stress and frustration to your limited communication with him. He won’t look forward to it. That’s not to say avoid all uncomfortable topics, but nagging about responding to texts wouldn’t be high on the list. As far as a younger sibling, let them speak for themselves. If they are disappointed because a sibling didn’t call remind them they are adjusting and tell them they are welcome to tell them via text, im, etc, how they feel. You don’t have to filter that!</p>
<p>Your son is setting the terms of your/your family’s involvement in his daily life now that he is away at school.</p>
<p>Please give him the benefit of the doubt that he is so involved with making new friends, having new experiences, going to classes, hanging out he doesn’t feel the need to touch base with the family.</p>
<p>However, you can ask that he send timely replies to your texts. </p>
<p>Is your anger and hurtful feelings are because you think he is being deliberately evasive and secretive?
Do you think he is purposely shutting the family out to be mean?</p>
<p>Probably not, the days are so exciting that his time just gets away with him.</p>
<p>If you read other threads about the depressed, isolated students wanting to drop out, you’ll get a better perspective that a happy, well adjusted, college student is just throwing himself into the college experience.
You miss him.
Welcome to empty nest syndrome.
He has successfully flown away and not looking back.</p>
<p>Thanks guys… Thanks for letting me rant, I was not planning on ranting to him (even though I really REALLY wanted to…) as I said I totally understand that he is busy adjusting and most of this frustartion is MY stuff and not his which is why I contained myself all week-end. Also, I appreciate the perspective “you did not ask a question, so why are you expecting an answer?” I re-phrased my txt a bit stating " Make sure you get your box today by 4 and let me know you got it ok."</p>
<p>You’ll get there. It’s a process so be kind to yourself. Learning a new style of communication can be difficult and frustrating while the kinks are worked out. Give it time. As you and your son both ease into new expectations and find out how to get desired results it will get better (ie I need to ask a direct question if I want a response, or calling once a week keeps my mom happy). Hugs to you!! :)</p>
<p>Life was a lot easier back in our college days, before cell phones. Heck, if I’d called my parents more than every week or two they’d have been in a panic that something was wrong. The convenience of cell phones have increased our expectations and kept those apron strings a lot tighter than they ever used to be.</p>
<p>I am jazzed and excited that he is so enjoying the college experience that time gets away from him. I am infinitely greatful that he is not feeling so alone and isolated that he wants to come home. I am also quite sure that he is not deliberately evasive, and secretive to hurt us, but its good to be reminded so thanks again! </p>
<p>Little Bro (12) read my post and he said " I completely, agree mom" which is not good cause he has not expressed this verbally but rather is not sleeping well and has turned up in my bedroom floor 2x, once last night and once last Thurs… HE HAS NEVER EVER done this!</p>
<p>KKMAMA: TRUE THAT! I am a school teacher and I find it frustrating that parents ask and DEMAND that I respond to their concerns within a couple of hours of their emails… Otherwise they get more and more insistant…</p>
<p>just send a text… “realize how busy you are…and the phone bill shows you have received/sent 500 texts so far this month…so to avoid all that distraction and time spent answering my texts…i’ll just cancel the texting plan” bet he answers really fast… :)</p>
<p>just send a text… “realize how busy you are…and the phone bill shows you have received/sent 500 texts so far this month…so to avoid all that distraction and time spent answering my texts…i’ll just cancel the texting plan” bet he answers really fast… </p>
<p>Will threats and sarcasm get you what you want, and at what cost? You need to work at restablishing your relationship now that he is a college student.</p>
<p>KKmama: How true! Back in the day, before cell phones, we didn’t even have a phone in our dorm room. There was a phone at the end of the hall, and you were lucky if someone answered it when it rang. I think I talked to my parents every few weeks, if lucky.</p>
<p>Now, I have a DS in college. He has been gone for a week now. I finally broke down and called him yesterday. I think he is enjoying his freedom too much to miss us and it seems that he is adjusting well, so I will have to live with calls every so often.</p>
<p>Although the link below is an old thread, it speaks to what you and your sons are going through; it certainly touched me at a time I was getting ready to send my first child off to uni. She is a D and a very chatty one at that so I didn’t have that problem but when S went off to college it helped me broach the subject long before he left.</p>
<p>The once a week Sunday call worked for us. He asked us to initiate the calls because he might forget, so we did, texting first to determine a good time. Most boys just aren’t all that chatty on the phone, except maybe with girlfriends. Friends of mine who have girls in college, however, sometimes hear from them so many times per day that their lives are disrupted.</p>
<p>My mama told me once long ago… Don’t be a paper tiger! I would never threaten my kids (students or sons) without teeth behind it! But I know you were kidding! :(</p>
<p>Just for this: THANKS A LOT! Read three pages… Feel better. Its kinda fun to read old messages BEFORE FB! I do sord of “stalk” his Facebook account but in my defense I do not respond to ANY of his posts but I at least get to see what he is doing and that gives me some measure of comfort!</p>
Excellent thought I will not be a piggy bank if he cant even manage a “thanks mom”