I just want to say I’ve taken each and everyone’s thoughts, opinions and suggestions to heart. I truly appreciate you all responding and offering your insights, even if I got a little defensive here or there.
Several comments really resonated with me and gave me some direction and food for thought.
This son has always been my more trying child, since he was a baby. It’s not easy to be a parent of these types of kids, always trying and second guessing myself.
My youngest is easy peasy.
This evening we went out to dinner and it was more relaxed, more normal like I’m accustomed to, so a nice way to end the day.
His GF came over beforehand and we all discussed airfare and I asked him what he was doing for Xmas. He said he’s taking that whole week off (I didn’t say anything!), then he got in his phone to look at airfare. I asked him if he would like part of his Xmas as airfare (pay for about half of it) and he said yes. I guess after this week, my expectations have considerably lowered as to what to expect from visits. I’ve also learned to not ask questions that can be construed as criticisms.
One thing that resonated with me was that he’s using his vacation days to come home. Who said that?
But anyway, I guess my disappointment is that I, and DH, were more aware of how our actions effected others, even at that age, and he isn’t.
I always wonder if even though we THINK at that age we were more responsible and all, maybe our parents thought differently too!
Well he must have had a decent time if he is already exploring coming back in a few weeks!
Maybe remember that while “coming home” means that he is going to be splitting his time between your family, GF’s family, his friends and maybe her friends he IS currently choosing your home as home base. I think it’s ok to expect to see him more than passing in the night but also recognize all the connections that he may be trying to keep now that he is living out of town.
Maybe put in a request for a family game night with his GF invited over Christmas. Something fun, relaxing, at home and just for fun.
I have a good friend whose daughter grew up with D2 (that’s how we met). She got divorced few years before me. It was a surprise to her and she handled it by completely changing her life. She sold her family home, got rid of everything and moved very far away. After I got divorced, she used to say to me, “You don’t need to be that involved with your kids any more. They are grown. Let them do what they want.”
Few months ago, her daughter asked me out to lunch because she needed someone to talk to. She said she felt very alone because she had no one to turn to since her parents’ divorce. She asked me how to sign a lease in NYC and some health insurance issues. I asked her if she had talked to her parents. She said her parents thought she should be able to handle it on her own. During lunch, she told me a bit more about her personal life, her work, etc. I didn’t do much, except to just listen. Since then, she has been texting me from time to time to let me know how she is doing (I have not told my friend about my conversations with her D).
I think sometimes young adults just want to have someone to talk to. They still need their parents, but in a different way.
I don’t think we were truly “more aware of how our actions affected others.” Maybe it’s that the expectations were that we conformed more tightly to our parents’ specific standards.
Nor think that our kids are less aware or caring. I think expectations change. Someone recently said to me, “You’re an independent woman, you raised your daughters to be independent, why wouldn’t you expect them to be?”
That doesn’t preclude the sort of closeness that oldfort describes. I do think we need to recognize it, as she does, not “miss the forest for the trees.” Yes, we need to savor the good that is there. Respect it, call it good.
Life’s tough. Make sure you tell him how happy you are that he visited.
A couple of months ago we let 30 year old son know his grandma would be with us for 3 weeks and dates- 2 weeks here now. Over a week ago he told us he would be taking vacation next week and visit. Finally he answered my phone request about his plans today and we’ll see when he books his flight (despite the time/distance travel factor he never comes a full week). I looked at possibilities and know he can easily get here with reasonable times and costs. He’s frugal even though he can afford things. btw- probably better that he likely spent T’day with friends instead of us old folks. We relocated OOS so it’s not a trip to the childhood home.
Years ago I heard the brain finally matures by 30 but then a PhD clinical psychologist friend/neighbor told me it’s more like 37, sigh. He had a funny story about a couple he was seeing where the H exploded when told this- obviously not yet mature.
H reminds me that our son will talk but never about personal things- even seemingly innocuos (to me) things. So, however frustrating to hit a conversational wall, know you are not alone. We went through the terrible teens and things are better but introverted son lives in a different world. I notice my H has talked with his mom so much more now then he did for the first decades I knew him. I have to think back to when I was in my twenties and too busy with my own life to spend my time talking to parents. Plus, making my own mistakes and forging my own path.
We have to realize that our kids will always be our kids but that nuclear family is gone and we are like our parents were relative to us.
Glad to hear your dinner was good. The things I see are wrong are a few
I have a son that we can only ask so much then he shuts down. He’s getting much better but I am visiting my 90 year old mother and the same thing happened with me and her… Lol…
So I have to get better and learn from this.
Him gaining weight and being that heavy is not OK. My son started a Keto diet and looks amazing. His confidence is up and we had a great time shopping for new clothes for him. Something he would hate to do before.
You keep stressing the money part and I for one want to be your child. ?. Airfare, New computer, Apple watch, etc etc. So now he can think of you every time he is using these items. But… He can buy these on his own. Maybe stop jumping every time something goes wrong.
Yes, I will buy anything that will make my kids successful but they are still in college now.
Going and staying in his room. Maybe just needs to decompress a bit. Reminds me when my daughter recently came home from college for the weekend. She made all these plans with friends then just stayed up in her room reading a book and watching some Netflix the entire weekend in her pajamas . She later told us she just needed some “self” time. To decompress. Like a mental health day/weekend.
It doesn’t seem for the 9 days there was much interaction with your family and his live in girlfriend. That is telling to me.
Also if he smoked pot etc previously and gained weight now… Hmmm… I personally think health issues are fair game. Like did he have his cholesterol /blood pressure checked. That leads to having better life choices. If your spending money… Maybe an inexpensive membership to a workout place?
But also the wins are good. Having some time talking /face chatting is good. Take them when you can get them. “Wanting” to come home for his breaks is great also.
The one thing that would bug me is the not listening to a superior especially at a new job with a simple request. Are there or have there been in the past anger /authority issues??? Is he moody with the girlfriend also?
Being a parent sucks sometimes. We all just want the best for them if they would just listen to everything we want /say they would be so much better off. They will learn. ?.
^^I actually don’t agree with this regarding paying for a ticket home, assuming it is not a financial hardship, which it appears not to be for the OP. I’m guessing your son has already left town but I would just be honest about my feelings. I would say something to the effect that I felt sad we weren’t able to spend more time together, I feel worried that maybe thing is going on that was undiscussed and I’d also own (imho) misbehavior. I’d say that it’s hard to take off my mom hat even though my S is now an adult and that I’ll really try to move away from giving advice and toward just listening.
I do understand how we can tie paying for things to having expectations…I realized that I felt it was still OK to give unsolicited advice to my kids while in college (we paid). Of course, I tried to be diplomatic and sensitive but I did still direct a bit. Once they were off the payroll, I realized that they would/did resent me when I came across as if I were judging them or telling them what to do. And, as their parent, they took things more sensitively than if it were coming from a friend or another relative. I actually still experience this with my own mother. So, for the last few years I have tried very, very hard to only ask open ended questions and not judge at all (at least not that they know!). Have they always made the best decisions? No! but they’re adults and need to carve their own path and make their own mistakes.
If one is financially able, paying for trips home is a true gift and I would not take that away. Still, for the OP, the winter holiday is around the corner and maybe it’s too soon? I wouldn’t hesitate the next time, though. I would also think about what didn’t work this trip and be very clear, regardless of who pays, that I’d really like to spend time together, etc.
Regardless, having tough interactions with our kids is very painful and I’m sorry you had a rough visit, @conmama.
His GF didn’t get in until early Thanksgiving Day, like 2:00 a.m. she was at our house by noon for Thanksgiving, until 3:30. Then they left to have dinner at her parents home.
She stopped by last night for a couple hours to visit again. The GF is not an issue with us.
It’s just tough to feel disconnected from him now and I think it’s harder when there is distance,
This is JMHO but I think you are way too generous to your son. We all want to do things for our children and help them get ahead but if the response to that is to be irresponsible (not behaving at work as he should), rude to parents (not interacting/hiding in room), and in general not taking care of himself, then he has had it way too easy. Your son will fee better about himself if he has to suffer a little (not have an Apple watch and all the other extras) and provides these things for himself. He will be forced to make more economic choices for himself. Many of us are guilty of giving our kids too much and this can create a sense of entitlement.
With that being said, I would pay for tickets to bring him home for the holidays because I do think you can get too disconnected from adult children. You all still need time together to keep the relationship strong. But that is it - no more gifts or help.
To me, the weight is very concerning. It is unhealthy and food is a way to self-medicate rather than addressing problems. Pot smoking often leads to the munchies and at the end of the day it’s smoking which isn’t healthy.
Honestly, it sounds to me as if he needs counseling but of course you can’t force him. Are you close enough to talk to the girlfriend and ask her if everything is ok with him/them? You can always say to him, “I’m a little concerned if everything is ok. We’re here to talk if you like.”
Adult children do need to figure it out for themselves but they also need emotional support and guidance. It’s just tricky how to provide that. Good luck.
I agree, we’ve spoiled too much. He was on Vyvanse and then went off 3 years ago after he graduated. He’s always carried extra weight his whole life, it’s in his genes, but has put on about 40 lbs. in the last 3 years since he’s been off it. Thanks for your insight.
@Empireapple… What you said!! ?^^^^^. That is exactly what I was trying to say on all fronts . I have no problem helping with travel (especially if their coming home).
@conmama. It sounded like Adhd to me and forgot to bring that up. So then maybe a talk about that. He might not see himself the way you see him. Vyvanse has some very nasty side effects so curious why he stopped taking it. Has he tried another med. This to me explains about his attitude at work and to your family. Getting sleep is crucial also.
But one of the best things about the drug is decreasing cravings for like junk food. Once off of it, one will go back to craving junk food and just eat for eating sake. It’s called binge eating and associated with Adhd. https://www.citizen.org/news/vyvanse-for-binge-eating-old-pill-new-disease/
I would think once that is dealt with that you will have your son back per se.
@conmama , I think you captured it above. He lives far away yet the connection when the distance is closed is not what you had hoped. I can relate.
But he wants to come home! Win! And maybe he just feels safe and relaxed there. Win!
I like the idea of framing your relationship with your adult child as an invitation. You are always opening the door and letting them know they are welcome. If there are expectations (dinner at X:Xx), help with abc, be clear upfront. Ask if there are things you can do together that they would like (eat out at x, cook something, go to see abc).
I am also a fan of just getting stuff out there, as in "Sorry I am asking so many questions. I just want to get some insight into your life. I’m a mom and I care! But if this feels intrusive, please say so. I never want you to dread seeing or talking to me. "
Well, I really did listen to a lot of you. We are paying for his air to come home. The reasoning that he is using his vacation days to come home really resonated with me.
My expectations are really low, now. So did everything I possibly did wrong. Such hard habits to break for me.
Also, letting him know some of my expectations up front did, too. He can’t read my mind. I can’t expect him to be anything that he is. Also, I’m on the periphery now. I don’t want to start treating him with kid gloves, but I need to change a bit.
I honestly don’t think there is anything wrong with feeling some disappointment, I’m only human after all.
I don’t want to alienate him. Things will continue to change and evolve if their relationship progresses to engagement and marriage. I need to learn to evolve with it.
He was diagnosed with ADHD-NOS when he was 17. Low motivation and execution dysfunction. Went on the meds to help and they did to a certain degree. But there are no long term studies on Vyvanse and after he made it thru college, we decided to see how things went not on it. I guess the jury is still out on that, but he can function. His bit of bad attitude was there when he was on it, too. I do think he has more pep with it, but we are not going to pay the $350 per month anymore and I highly doubt that he is. I’ll read that article, but aren’t I to stay out of his business now? Bringing up his weight would be a no-no.
Not at all. It’s a health issue. You can get vouchers for Vyvanse to make it less . It’s a great drug when it works for the individual. But he needs something to replace it and exercise for many reasons. It helps immensely with the symptoms you described. Get him P90x or something for Christmas. It will help his symptoms plus he will lose weight. Let him get addicted to exercise and not food.
@conmama I’m just throwing out another possibility for you to think about whether it fits your son’s situation. I think your late 20s/early 30s is a very difficult time period. You’re supposed to be an adult! But a lot of folks in this age bracket don’t have it figured out yet, and are struggling with - is this GF/BF the one? -is this a career field I want to stay in? - am I on track with where I’m supposed to be, why not? - I’m not as fulfilled as I want to be, what am I doing wrong? etc.
It could be that your son took this Thanksgiving visit as an opportunity to throw off the mantle of adulthood, and give himself a break from some weighty issues he’s dealing with. Or that he closeted himself up to think about these weighty issues in a place where he felt at home, and didn’t have to deal with his GF being right there.
What’s great is that he’s coming home for Christmas and you have a chance for a do-over! He might still need space to process what’s going on in his life, and giving him space could be a huge gift to him. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t ask him to join you in several different activities that have meaning to you.
About money, if it were me, I’d continue to pay for trips home, but I wouldn’t pay for anything else. That’s part of living in the adult world and determining if your career choices generate sufficient income to live, or whether you need to do various things to either get a promotion or change careers.
I just wanted to tip my hat to OP. You vented about your son and received a lot feedback. Some of it was harsh, and criticism of one’s parenting is hard to take! But you seemed to listen, reflect, and figure out a new course of action. Well done.
Parenting is so so hard. Kids don’t come with manuals and what works for one, doesn’t work for another. And if you think you’ve got it figured out, they change. Lol.
@conmama, you are always open to advice and criticism here and I admire that.
I would send him a text in the next day just saying some positive things about his visit home for T-Day. Not saying to lie, but find a couple of things that are truthful to show the value to you of him coming home
“Thank you for using some of your vacation time to spend at home”
“I miss having you in the area now that you are in Austin - the holidays mean so much more to me when my kids are around!”
Then in a week or so start referencing the Christmas holiday…
“I can’t believe only ___ days till you’re home again!”
““I was thinking maybe we could have a game night one night and order in ___(his favorite take out from your area” with GF, dad and I”.
There’s a good chance he needs some building up emotionally. As they say, money doesn’t buy happiness!
And maybe have a conversation with your H about all these things and see if you can tag team to grab/schedule little moments of time with your son that are light/relaxing/fun. Don’t make it about “stuff” - make it about face to face time.
Think his expectations for this trip home, and your parent expectations for this trip home were not the same.
Our kids both live pretty far away. When they come home, we actually ask (not tell) that they be with us for certain parts of the trip. For example…for Xmas, I have an event present for DS and DH…so I asked DS to please block off that date. No problem.
Both of our kids have friends they have known since grade school who still come home for these holidays. It would make me sort of sad if they lost those connections too.
@conmama , I always feel some disappointment when my kid leaves after a visit. Like we didn’t use our time together in as meaningful a way as possible. So yeah, I think that’s normal and human. At least for some of us!.
When I was a young adult, my mom always made all kinds of preparations for our homecomings. And she would then become very angry with us for failing to notice that she had displayed a picture/baked a favorite dish/perpetuatedsome tradition/etc. It made me nuts! Yet as a parent of a young adult, I now get it. She wanted to connect and show she cared.
It’s hard. As parents, we cherish those times when we were useful to and meaningfully connected with our kids, and we had lots of time when we were protectors! At this point in their lives, they value that they are independent and free and they actively reject anything that feels to them like a threat to that. All we can communicate is the love. Really, it sounds like you are doing that…