I am sorry you had a bad holiday, and I do agree with you on paying for the ticket, so next time, do not do so. Time for him to grow up and figure out how and where he spends holidays. I would say we would love to see you at Xmas, but if you are not coming home we may go on a quick cruise. And ask for clear plans before he arrives-you aren’t running a hotel, and adults normally choose to spend time with their hosts or go elsewhere. That’s just basic civility.
Look, it’s like old shoes. They fit, they look decent, but our kids may not want to wear them everyday anymore, it’ s not their present self image. We parents become the old shoes. They love us and count on our being there when they do want us, too much to toss the shoes. But things change.
The gift we need to give them is trust. And respect. Show, not just tell. Live it. We do not need to understand each of their decisions, nor suggest better ways of viewing things. We do need to just like them and love them and make it apparent, in small ordinary ways. Let them feel it, from their cells. This is a serious gift.
Try this mantra: Young adults learn from their own choices. And mistakes.
Take a moment every day to be proud of the good kid you raised. Takes practice. I will always watch for signs of trouble, but do bite my lip a lot.
And do listen. I nag D2 about setting a budget (long story.) But recently actually listened to her explanation of the priorities she set. Well, it DID make sense. Mom reassured.
There’s an interesting old book, “Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know.” It talks about how even saying, “It’s going to rain, take your umbrella,” can rankle some men, who feel it puts them right back in their dependent years.
Another strategy might be to ask if he would like to host Christmas this year-he is certainly an adult and can figure it out. You could offer to come to Texas for a few days and he can give you a tour of his new home and life.
@privatebanker I completely appreciate your viewpoint and understand the placeholder reference. Many of us have been shocked at the substance abuse of a family member or friend who was the “last person we would suspect.” There is also the benzo addiction/abuse which is rampant. We have no way of knowing if this young man has gotten involved with any of that, but it is always a consideration when behaviors have changed.
My mother nagged at me her entire life until her dementia advanced. Even the little things undermined my confidence and what I heard was that I wasn’t good enough in anything. It got especially bad when I became a mom and she questioned me on every single decision. When my D was 4 I had a breakdown and told her that she made me feel like I was a horrible mother. She was shocked that I would think that and it was a wake up call for her and she did get somewhat more aware… for a bit.
My father feels like if he pays for something then we owe him in some way. I’m hearing some undertones of that in this thread. The we paid for his tickets so he owes us time type thinking.
I can tell you that I minimized visits to my parents from the time I was 18 on. I just felt terrible spending any amount of time with them.
I share this to be cautionary, not accusatory.
The drug issue is something to be potentially aware of. It’s just that interpersonal and mom/child dynamics are complex. It often feels like CC jumps to drugs before reassuring that there may be simpler changes that can improve relationships. It takes two to build satisfaction and a little self examination is worth it. Not to be confused with self blame.
It can be reassuring so many of us on CC have expressed our own stumbles. Before assuming it’s dire, just breathe.
We’ve had some holiday visits that were just stinkers for whatever reason.
He sounds like kids do that first holiday back from college. Maybe he’s regressed, who knows.
I stay with my advice earlier. And I’d address Christmas. Is he expecting you to pay? What are his plans? It’s a reasonable question.
But if I were to venture a guess, from prior experience he may think that you are going to pay for the flight and he might be feeling the pinch with money. He’s been spending a lot from what you’ve said.
@momofasenior1
I’m sorry to read about the relationship with your parents. I appreciate your taking the time to share.
I’ll confess it took me a LONG time to be able to see my parents as PEOPLE.
Several years ago, my daughter (who is now 30) said that she thought that she and I both had a tendency to slip back into “high school mode” when we were together.
Yep. She was exactly right. It’s an old pattern that no longer works, but that we can find ourselves turning to. Bad idea.
It has taken years, but I do genuinely treat my offspring (ages 33 and 30) as true adults most of the time. But occasionally, especially if they’re at my house, “high school mode” rears its ugly head. And it’s most likely to happen when I sense that either 1) something’s wrong or 2) they’re overlooking something important.
I can see where the OP is coming from. It is possible that the son has overlooked something about the company’s attitude toward time off. And it’s also possible that something’s wrong – perhaps a disagreement with the girlfriend or a problem at work.
But it’s still best to avoid “high school mode” and make every effort to treat your adult son or daughter the way you would treat your sibling or cousin – someone whose adulthood you take for granted.
I also suggest letting the son off the hook for Christmas. As in “If coming here for Christmas this year doesn’t work for you, that’s fine. We know life gets complicated sometimes.” And I suggest meaning it, or at least sounding that way, if you can manage it. (Yes, it’s difficult.)
He’s not going to change just because you tell him he must. That ship has sailed.
Gosh, my son (older than yours) comes home and spends the first day with me then disappears to spend time with friends. I have never given it a thought. I am glad he is so close to his friends. We have a great relationship but I definitely give him space. If he needs advice, he will ask for it. If he is under stress, about once a year or so he will call and ask me something unexpected like “do you cook peppers first before putting in eggs?” It is clear to me that his desire then is not to ask about peppers but to get support in general, or at least know it is there. He only calls about once a month. That’s fine. I would say we are close actually.
Riding in the car often results in good conversations. But let him start topics.
I pay for my kids’ plane tickets but also, they don’t all come home for every holiday, not at all.
It seems pretty clear- I guess it seeps out anyway- that you don’t have a lot of respect for your son. He may feel that too. He is young. Let him figure some things out.
Is the GF invited for dinner tonight?
Is the son an only child or are there other siblings?
It would be strange for me not to communicate with my girls few times a week. They tell me when they are traveling (work and pleasure) and let me know when they are home. They send me pictures from their travel.
A bit more thinking out loud. Are he and the GF discussing a commitment? That creates budget demands as well. Also, GF may have an opinion about how he does/does not interact with his side of the family. We had a rather unpleasant situation with a past GF of my DS’s that made assumptions about our opinion of him, her and them as a couple. He may feel caught in the middle.
We don’t attach strings to gifts — can be sad if we don’t spend much time together when our kids are in town.
@Oldfort wrote:
This much contact would seem strange to my son and daughter and me. I generally talk to each of them once every three weeks or so. And I do not necessarily know when they’re traveling unless it happens to come up in conversation.
Each family has its own ways.
We are lucky to hear from our know kids once a month or more. We consider ourselves close to them but when we are apart, we all live our lives. S is 5-6 hours ahead of us, so at 10pm for him, it’s 4 or 5pm for us. D is 2-3 hours ahead of us. S travels quite a bit and we only find out if he happens to mention it.
The kids have mostly been like this since they left for college in 2006 and 2009. I would be happy to talk more often but this is ok too.
Just reading this thread makes me anxious OP. Sounds as though you haven’t recognized that he is an adult. I’m not sure why he should be open to someone mentioning something about his job 3x. Many employers allow various vacation day scenarios. My SIL overtalks everyone. She has an opinion about why they should do this or that. It drives my spouse crazy. At 40 years old listening to someone go on and on. Even at 25 it drove everyone nuts. And now that we are all over 50, it’s too much.
Let him just relax. He’s going to room so he can escape. The issue is you are invading his boundaries. He came home as a surprise ( and likely thought it would be nice) and it didn’t quite work out.
I would also call on the phone to connect. That way, you’ll hear in his voice if something is amiss. text is for missed groceries not catching up.
@conmama I hope you might be enjoying a nice® evening at home with a little time with your son before he heads back tomorrow.