One think I do want to say is that it’s really expensive to move and there are a lot of incidental expenses involved. So he may be pinched financially and doesn’t know how to address it.
There are many people who are just procrastinating and like to do things last minute. Not on my timetable and it drives me nuts
Being a parent is so hard, especially when our children are not doing what we think they “should” be doing. I have been guilty of some of the same things you’re doing, and I now try hard not to “judge” my kids or their choices (to them) when talking to them or when they are home. We also try not to “guilt trip” them into coming home. I have 2 boys and one step daughter. step-d used to “hate” me (normal teenage stuff) and now she values my advice, WHEN SHE ASKS ME FOR IT. Yes, I bite my tongue often. I’m not saying this is a great reason, but it helps me to think “as long as she’s not spending (much of) my money, her choices are her business.” (Some of her financial choices drive me nuts). One son talks to me regularly, and seeks my opinion, and I have tried to talk to him like an adult, most of the time. The other son doesn’t really talk to me at all, so clearly I haven’t figured this all out :).
Try not to beat yourself or him up to much. Learning to be a parent of an adult, especially when we think they choices kids are making are not wise, is difficult.
My husband’s office is business casual just about all the time. But there are occasions when he is expected to wear a tie, and jacket…and sometimes even a suit.
He keeps a navy tie in his office and a sports jacket. That way, if he needs a tie and jacket for a last minute thing, he has them.
He usually has notice for suit days, but really those happen once or twice a year for work at the most.
I can’t imagine dressing up in a dress suit with skirt every day…just in case. How many times in the last year have you needed to unexpectedly go to court?
@privatebanker, OP’s son isn’t sitting in his room. It doesn’t sound like he’s home at all except at night. Then his parents nag him so he makes his excuses and goes to his room.
Why would a 26-year-old who lives far away stay home with Mom and Dad instead of visiting friends when he’s home for a few days? I don’t think that’s unusual at all. And someone who’s reserved – “not a sharer” – isn’t going to suddenly change just because they’re older.
Conmama, I wouldn’t expect him to come back for Christmas. He’s already had several days off and you’ve pretty much told him not to take any more. I don’t see what paying for tickets or how much money you gave him for his birthday has to do with it though. Is money used to influence your kids’ behavior? That’s probably not a good long-term policy.
When I sometimes needed to go to court, I always had a dress and blazer in my office closet so I could change into and out of them as needed. I even loaned the dress out as needed. It worked well for me.
@conmama ‘I guess I have to keep trying not to lecture.’
From one lecturer to another - Bingo! Everyday, I have to remind myself of this, and it isn’t easy - it is easier to fall into the ‘hovering parent / lecturer’ mode. My S is just like yours - says very little and shares even less!
I’d invite him home for Christmas; you don’t know what is going on in his life, I suspect more than he’s letting on - if he’s in eyeshot, you can keep an eye on him - and I advise a switch in gears, from lecturing foe to friend!
Make the Holidays a fun, low pressure family time, and he might open up.
Hugs to you xo
He had the money to fly to Chicago 3 weeks ago and hang with a bunch of friends. He had money to fly to Michigan the week after to attend a football game over the weekend.
He spends a lot of money eating out. When he moved, we gave him $1,500 for a new bed and furniture so he didn’t have to rent a Uhaul and store his stuff until the apartment was ready. For his birthday, we bought him a new MAC computer, as his was so old and we knew that was one expense he would have a hard time coming up with money for. He also got an Apple Watch. Paid for that plane ticket in August to help him out.
Yes, I am very disappointed in his being a bit thoughtless coming home. I think we’ve spoiled him too much, frankly.
I’m really annoyed right now. So, last night when he gets home after being gone all afternoon, is when he went to his room because his stomach was upset and hid all night. He just got up this morning at 11:30, showers and tells us he’s going to GF house to watch all the games. My husband is a big b-ball fan. Nope, can’t give that to him. Going to his GF parents house. It’s not like he doesn’t live with her, right?
I tell him we have dinner reservations at 7, he’s happy to do that. He leaves tomorrow morning. I don’t think this is all my issue. I do think it’s part his immaturity. But it’s so disappointing.
Oh good point. Correct me if I’m wrong but I sensed a general lack of interaction with the family.
I’m just telling you as someone with experience that there are reasons to be cautious. Yes a 26 year old man has the ability to come home and see friends. However not then to be totally absent the rest of the time.
I am not sensing that this is the case. There are warning signs that should be monitored, but it certainly may not be the case.
My issue is a bit of the bubble wrap recommendations. Normal adult conversations should not be categorized as helicopter parenting.
He’s 26 and should be capable of answering a legitimate and brief, simple question from his mom. It’s called conversation.
Also if someone at that age is using my dime to come home and vanish. They are old enough to pay for their own ticket and make plans. Totally welcome for life of course to stay at the house but it’s not spring break.
@privatebanker , there has not been a lack of interaction in the family. He’s more closed off naturally, but we definitely interact. He’d pop over every 3 weeks or so to pick up mail, maybe have a bite to eat and we’d chat a bit. Weekend summers are spent at the lake, very small cottage, on top of each other. Vacations are always fun and relaxed,
I just don’t know what is going on. I highly doubt it’s drugs. His GF rarely drinks and I doubt she’d be around that. I like her, smart, good head on her shoulders. Serious, quiet, thoughtful. Not a pushover. Maybe living together is posing issues, very different from dating. He doesn’t show signs of drug usage. He’s food addictive though, heavier than I’ve ever seen him. I guess pushing 250 lbs. Now that I don’t touch with a ten foot pole.
I do appreciate someone understanding my POV on the plane ticket. There is nothing wrong with expectations of our children. Not to do my bidding, but to show some consideration. He’s been here 9 days. It’s been nothing more than coming and going.
In your OP you made it sound like he’s in his room all the time when he’s home. Now you say it was one night. Always or once are different situations. Reserved people need time on their own to decompress. If he has to catch up with all his friends he’s probably tired when he gets in and needs time alone to recharge. I wouldn’t take it personally.
He doesn’t live with them. Why shouldn’t he spend time with his prospective in-laws when he’s in town? If he and his GF stay together they’re likely to be spending a lot of time there.
That’s jumping the shark a bit. Sure, it’s a real problem but I’ve seen nothing from the OP to lead to concerns about opioids.
Sorry for my confusing posts with the addition of a word or two. He hid in his room thru out the stay. Nothing wrong with spending time with prospective in-laws. It would have been nice to spend some time with his parents, too.
@doschicos obviously that’s your opinion. Weight gain believe it or not can be a sign as well. Erratic behavior. Antisocial. Making excuses to separate. Not answering simple questions.
Jumping the shark. lol. It’s called an opinion. Like it or not it’s much nicer to be have some insight as to what someone is saying.
Also it was more of a catch all for substance abuse disorder, mental health or alcohol issues.
This is all about warning signs and paying attention. Austin is not immune.
But it could be a lot of things.
@conmama, so his GF flew home too? Do you think he only came home because she came home?
Maybe it’s weird to him that they live together but when they come home they are apart - if they wanted to be together at your home would that be ok with you?
If he didn’t really want to come home he also could have stayed in Texas. Maybe take the fact that he DID come home a sign of something good in terms of wanting to re-connect with home base.
The $$$ spent on him seems to be a big issue to you. I think that’s something you (or you and your H) have to work on. Are you giving it as a gift for whatever (flight or the watch or whatever) - or is it with conditions?
I personally just always worry and/or try to be cognizant of a person’s mental health. I’m not saying to coddle someone but also to be observant and supportive and tuned into what their mental health needs might be. Lots of young adults have mental health issues (anxiety for example) develop in their 20’s.
"There is nothing wrong with expectations of our children. "
Did you define these expectations at any point before or after his arrival?." A simple, “Dad is looking foreword to watching the game with you.” or other such statement? Or, are you expecting him to anticipate what you want or don’t want from him? He no longer lives in your household; you can’t expect that he readily senses his place there any longer. Clearly, he is more comfortable with his current life in his own establishment - GF represents that.
He is behaving somewhat like he used to as a teenager. Antisocial with us, smoking pot, just hard to deal with. Like he couldn’t stand to be around us, hiding in his room. But that all sort of ended and especially the last couple years we really saw a lot of maturity. Didn’t mind hanging around us, met him for dinners, came to dinner…what I consider a normal young adult /parent relationship.
Not sure what is going on. Opioid abuse just doesn’t seem plausible right now. He said he lost 13lbs before GF joined him, then they started going out to eat at all the great restaurants. Living with, as far as we can tell, a straight laced kind of gal. She was a friend of younger son’s first, and he said she’s always been way more mature than the other girls in HS. So that would seem odd.
Totally different situation, but I remember one time when I was well into my twenties and my father started giving me driving advice. I was like “Dad…I have had my license for over a decade. I’ve got this. Thanks.” (Normally, I would just put up with this, but it was slightly galling of him to give advice because I was acting as the designated driver so he could enjoy an adult beverage or two at the family holiday gathering.)
In all seriousness, I’m sorry it has been a tough holiday. I do think it is important to let the parent-child dynamic evolve as children become adults, and I’m sure you are doing your best, which is all any of us can do! It’s important to understand there WILL be growing pains in the parent-child relationship…for almost any parent and child!
Even with my 17-year-old, there are occasional growing pains. How much independence is appropriate and how much is too much? When are these good, necessary questions to ask and when are they too intrusive? When is it helpful to remind about an upcoming contest or college-related deadline and when is it nagging? (She has always been 100% on top of her work and I have not reminded about homework even once in all of high school…but is the college stuff different because there are so many pieces?) It’s a constant balancing act, and it needs to be continually readjusted as our young adult children make that transition to greater independence.
Yeah. I’m sorry about the opioid reference. It was a mental health and substance use place holder. It can be smoking too much weed. The substance wasn’t the point.
I know someone also jumped on me for the fact he’s not in his room all the time.
It seems my observation was a little closer to the truth.
He could be just under the gf charms and wants to be with her.
I didn’t get from the posts that she flew home with him a week early and he is hanging out with her.
I don’t want to insinuate at all that your son is into any type of drugs, but have to say that many who do use drugs/pot, etc. are NOT druggy type people and often those around them don’t know they are using. Maturity doesn’t = ticket to non-risky behaviors. Everyone needs coping mechanisms.
Again, not suggesting it, just don’t assume it couldn’t be.
As regards the money spent on DS, one of the best comments I ever heard as we raised our (expensive) family: How better could we spend our money than on our kids?
It sounds as if you were in a position to help your DS avoid some financial distress in moving for a new job, having T-day with you, enjoying gifts he truly wanted. Why not be happy that you could do this for him?