My personal wish would be to be cremated and have my boys take a vacation to Hilton Head, rent a beach house (money left specifically for this if necessary) and kayak out in the ocean and let me blow in the wind. I’d love for them to spend time together and just thinking of our annual beach vacations makes me smile now. But, husband wants a plot next to his mom and dad so I guess that’s where we’ll be.
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Oh, I love rock salt urn idea!
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Thoughts of Niles (Frasier) trying to scatter Great Aunt Louise’s ashes under the tree in the park 
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This has been mentioned a few times in this thread - that a couple have different “burial” wishes and which way to go.
My H sort of refuses to address the issue of what to do, what he wants, plan ahead. That can be his M.O. - if you don’t talk about it, you don’t have to think/deal with it! But I have mentioned before that I prefer to be cremated and ashes spread in a couple of areas that are important and life-giving to me. My kids know this. H seemed taken back that I would not want to be “side by side”. (but again, doesn’t want a real conversation about it).
I have pretty strong feelings about NOT being in a box and definitely not in the ground. It is what it is! I think he just is so traditional/routine he doesn’t give thought otherwise.
In the end if I went first I think he would honor what the kids wanted to do.
Is this an awkward situation in your partner life - what happens, where you land after death physically? How have you dealt with it?
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My husband avoids the issue of our demise, I have to force it. I’m not sure if it’s a man thing but it seems many women have to take charge of these necessary decisions. I just don’t want my kids to have to make any decisions, pay any money, or feel any guilt about decisions when I die. I’m really cool with whatever. I want it to be easy as possible - a binder with my wishes and back up documents to support the investment. Cremation and burial plot for my and my husbands urns is fine if I can’t convince him otherwise. It comes across as flippant but I really don’t care for myself - as someone upthread said, I’ll be celebrating elsewhere!
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I think my dad finally made plans! He just turned 87, so that’s a relief. That reminds me I need to ask him, though. If my sister and I don’t know about the plans, it’s not much help.
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We arranged for a prepaid cremation for my MIL. As I mentioned, she prepaid for internment in her church memory garden. She now lives 3.5 hours away, so she’ll be cremated in her current location & we will take the ashes to the church. But she wants a huge dog & pony show funeral at the church, for both her H (who died during Covid) and herself - complete with the church choir. The thing is, she hasn’t been active in the church in years. Most of her church friends are either dead or unable to attend. No one in the choir today knows who she is. She’s living in the past, imagining a church full of friends. H & SIL really, really liked the intimate internment FIL had during Covid. Only close friends and a couple relatives attended, the service was very meaningful, and MIL, H and SIL thought it was perfect. H & SIL want the same thing for their mother when the time comes. MIL mentions the huge service from time to time, although only rarely lately. SIL checks with H often to make sure he’s still on board with the simpler ceremony. SIL is the one who usually likes to have huge parties, so we know that if she wants simple, it’s very important to her. H also prefers simple. Yes, MIL thinks it will be otherwise, but funerals are for the living. The last thing they want is to “have” to go through the motions of a service that doesn’t bring them peace.
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The captain of our charter gave us the coordinates of where we held Dad’s water burial.
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We’re in that boat here, @abasket. H is in denial. We still don’t have wills, much less funeral plans, and I’ve had leukemia for 22 years! The River DeNial is WIDE and DEEP! I’ve started putting together a spreadsheet of accounts and passwords for H and my sons since I’m the one who handles the money. H is a financial regulator (so ironic), so engaging him with numbers has been a way for me to inch into the harder topics. Family-law types of issues are really hard for H because his family of origin. He just does NOT want to go there.
OTOH, I tried to initiate a chat with my dad about having documenting Mom’s wishes after my mom fell and became permanently bedridden. They had already bought columbarium spots, prepaid a funeral, had POLST and POAs all executed. For two people who never had much and never were forward-looking, I was astounded. Ditto my FIL. He had done the same thing, though I think my BIL helped move that along.
If it weren’t for the Jewish view of burial, I think H would go for cremation in a heartbeat. He really doesn’t want to spend energy or $$ on this.
H is of the attitude that everything will go to me if he goes first, and if I go first, he doesn’t particularly care what happens to what’s left – though he is adamant about DNRs and has said he’d go to Oregon or VT if necessary. But actual paperwork? Besides beneficiary designations on accounts, we’ve got nuthin’. Our estate will be well under any current or reverted limits. I have one acquaintance via my sons who’s a big T&E attorney, but she’s probably way more than we need.
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That’s actually a really big deal (assuming all of your various accounts have beneficiary or co-owner). And if your house is in both names, even better.
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I was going to say the same. Just make sure ALL the accounts have beneficiares etc. Go through everything with a fine tooth comb.
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And on the lighter side…
Friend’s husband said wife’s ashes will be kept in his wallet in his back pocket. She’s always been on his a$$ anyways…
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Thanks for the laugh!
@rockymtnhigh2 My mom’s ashes are in both the Atlantic Ocean (in the Jersey shore town where she spent every summer of her life and owned a home, and that we still visit each year) and in the Pacific Ocean (Hawaii, where my brother lives and where she and my dad snowbirded for many years.) She actually didn’t want to be in the Atlantic, she said the water was too cold! But Dad’s are there (he died first and this was his specific wish) and we wanted them to be together in a place that we frequently visit. We jokingly justified this by saying we just had her "dip her toes” in the Atlantic but she is still residing in her preferred tropical sea.
@threeofthree All 3 of our scattering events were moving and meaningful, but mom’s Hawaii one was extra special. My brother lined up some locals to take all of us out in outrigger canoes, we had a guy with us who blew a conch shell during our moment of silence, and we all tossed leis into the ocean after doing the ashes. It was really lovely. Then we went to a beachfront restaurant and toasted mom with mai tai’s, her favorite beverage! It was a great day.
Re blowing in the wind: when we tossed Dad’s ashes into the ocean we had divided them up into sand buckets for each of us kids to use to throw into the water. Unfortunately I didn’t get a good toss off and the wind blew them back into the jetty we were standing on. My sibs still tease me that Dad would be mad that he ended up on the rocks with the crabs and the mussels for the seagulls to eat! 
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That sounds beautiful with the canoe and conch shell, @Embracethemess!
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Everything (house, insurance policies, 401k, pension, mutual funds) has been joint and/or with beneficiary designations for the past 40 years until we set up a couple of I-Bond accounts two years ago. We have since figured out that one can set up jointly held I-Bonds, but H forgot his password, so needs to reset so I can retitle the bonds. Given the limits on I-Bond purchases, it’s not a huge amount, but would likely be a pain.
We each have a small personal account. That’s recent. Don’t think I have beneficiaries listed there, but I want to use that to give spnctions. ecial bequests. Need to figure out proportions. Not sure our cars are jointly held!
What I’ve learned from how my family handles death:
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I will have very specific instructions. I’ve told H and my sons that noone in my family may insert their religion into my funeral, esp my dad. My dad’s rationale is the I’d be dead, so why do I care, but for me it’s a matter of respect. I converted to Judaism many years ago and a Jewish funeral is what I want. He can mourn in whatever way comforts him, but that will not take place at my funeral.
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I will write an obit in advance. Obits are the biggest source of contention in my family, we’ve found. Someone is always offended. Do you include the step-grandkids, are names spelled correctly, do you list 9 grandchildren or add the child who was given to another family via adoption, but we’re not sure the half-siblings in another branch of the family know, etc.
My dad wrote a one-line obit for my brother and put it in the paper without ever showing the rest of us, much less brother’s wife (though they were separated at the time). We were all upset about it, as we wanted to do something respectful. My brother had a troubled life, but he left behind two wonderful young adults who would have liked to be acknowlewdged. I think my dad was trying to minimize the obit lest creditors come calling (and a one-line obit was free). My dad also took control of the funeral, insisting on a funeral Mass (again, ignoring my brother’s wishes and those of the estranged spouse) and distributed what little my brother had to whom Dad thought should get it.
Yeah, Dad is control-ly. Has not improved with age. It’s hard when one’s role as leader of the family changes with time.
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My MIL has similar ideas except she expects her kids to make these big funeral plans for her and FIL (who died 8 years ago and already had a service…but whose ashes are still at her house…). So far, none of her kids are on board with this plan which has the service in a different state than the one she resides in…at a church she hasn’t attended since she got married in 1953…oh…and that building was sold to a different church and a new modern church was built that she has never attended.
So…when the time comes, I suspect the kids will do something suitably nice, but not over the top.
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One nice thing about death–the deceased will neither know nor care what actually happens. I say make an attempt to follow wishes but, if they can’t be reasonably followed for any reason, just do what makes most sense for the living and don’t lose any sleep over it.
If the deceased haunts you, please report back.
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My husband has family scattered throughout the world. We have attended several live-streamed funerals. It is extremely comforting to be able to attend and to grieve live even when you are thousands of miles and several times zones away.
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My inlaws don’t have any plans of any kind in place, and will not tolerate discussion of creating any. It’s going to be a mess, for sure.
My dad had everything planned out starting about 20 years ago, when we all received a notebook with all the estate information. Every Christmas he’d get us in the kitchen and give us printed updates. But even then, we discovered he had left very vague funeral plans and it was hard to know what to do. It turns out, at the time, what hymn we sing feels really important and I wished he’d given us a set list.
His ashes are in a box in his study. My mom said to save them until she is gone, mix them all together and “do whatever makes sense” after that.
We have estate plans in place and beneficiaries on all accounts.
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