Yeah, I haven’t visited my mom’s gravesite even once since she passed in July, 2021, and I’ve been to Austin several times since then. I prefer to think of her as she was. I didn’t even view her body at the funeral.
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My sentiments exactly. DH told me what he wanted once, and a few months later when I revisited it to ask him for more details, he totally backtracked and said he really didn’t know what he wants. So, with no stated desires, he gets whatever I give him.
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Similar feelings for sure.
My dad passed in 10/21, was cremated, ashes in my mom’s church’s memorial garden.
Local to me….but I can’t go over there. Just too hard.
I talk with my dad all the time though so I have no guilt.
And I just don’t like being vulnerable in public. I’d sob if I went to the memorial garden area. It’s not private enough for me.
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My in laws had plots near our cottage. It’s 3.5 hours from us & 13 hours from SIL. I think that they finally realized no one would be visiting their graves if they were buried there. They were able to sell the plots for what they paid. Their subsequent choice to have their ashes interred at the memorial garden at their church makes more sense, even though no one in the family lives near it. TBH, neither H nor SIL will make pilgrimages to hang out in the garden with their ashes (they retained some of their dad’s & will do the same with their mom’s). But they were founding members of the church & it means a lot to them.
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We moved away from my parents’ hometown in 1966 (I was born in that town too but never really lived there) and whenever we went back, a tour of the cemetery was required. Father’s family plot (which was his mother’s family, so name on stone is her maiden name), and the history of it. Then on to the rest. Mother’s family (‘that’s Aunt Rita - buried by herself because she was so mean’), other aunts and uncles (they are in the sun, not a prime spot). On to ‘famous’ people (the Lords, who were killed in the 1960 plane crash of the Olympic skating team)… Every time we visited. My mother’s family still mostly lives in town, and always put flowers on the graves, visit, do the tour.
These weren’t sad times but fun times for us kids.
And as I said there is plenty of room for all of you as long as you are cremated, and strange people will come visit and wonder who you are and why are you buried with us. It’s in the nice shady part of the cemetery (“Maple Ave”) but the train track do run right by so it might be a little noisy but you probably won’t mind as you’ll be dead.
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My mom was cremated and her ashes were sent to Hawaii. It was a place she had always wanted to visit, but never got there…so her funeral home arranged it. I think it was an extra maybe $300 in addition to the cremation. Well worth it.
My dad and stepmom are buried at a cemetery far from where I live. I’ve never been back since the funeral. My half sisters go every Mother’s Day with flowers.
Great Grandmommy is buried near where we vacation. Absolutely no one visits her grave except us every fall. We take mums and asters to the family plot every year. She was very special to us…it’s the least we can do when we are in the area.
I do not expect our kids to ever visit a burial site…so we just won’t have one.
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Yes, to each his own of course……but I was thinking the same earlier. My parents and my husband’s parents are in the same cemetery- it’s only 45 mins away but we def don’t stop by any more than once a year - often less and then it’s a five minute stop. I think about them daily - and probably for more than 5 minutes!!!
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When my FIL passed away in the ‘80s my MIL paid for a double gravesite marker with her name and birthdate already inscribed, ( which I always found kind of creepy) so when she died last summer we knew she wanted to be laid to rest. We were happily surprised to find that she had not on.y planned but prepaid everything to be exactly as she wanted. Win! The only negative was that she had prepaid for a funeral service that at 95 she changed her mind about, since most of her friends were dead by then. She found a good deal of peace visiting the grave, bringing flowers, clipping the grass around the marker, etc. We won’t be doing that, but are happy it brought her peace.
My father died a few weeks ago. Fortunately he had been clear about wanting to be buried at the nearby National Cemetery. Turns out there are so many veterans being taken care of that it’s kind of like an assembly line. You can have a ceremony at one of the pavilions in the cemetery, then they take the remains and inter them - you can visit after 4 PM because it’s kind of a construction zone before then. Mom wanted an in ground grave until she realized she couldn’t walk across the uneven grassy slope to a plot, so she decided on a columbarium.
Just two recent experiences for your family discussions.
PS, at the funeral home I found out that they make urns from rock salt, so if you want your ashes at sea, you can “plunk” the urn overboard and it will sink, and over the years the salt will dissolve and the seas will disburse your ashes. No blowing of ashes back onto the folks on the boat.
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My husband’s family owns a large family plot that still has many spaces open. H is very into tradition and I know he wants to be buried there so that will happen. If I go first, I know he will bury me there. But, frankly that’s not what I would choose. I would much rather be cremated and have my ashes scattered at sea. I will make sure my daughter knows this so if she is left to take care of things she knows.
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Probably strange, but I think I want my ashes scattered at both Atlantic and Pacific oceans. This way either ocean the kids visit I’ll be there.
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My late mom used to tell us to cremate her, put her urn on the mantle, take up smoking and add to her memory! 
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For my dad’s burial at sea I bought this biodegradable urn from Amazon: https://a.co/d/6u6k9qH
My brother and I took a couple of tequila shots before moving the ashes from the USPS plastic bag to the water-soluble bag. I printed his name and the dates on rice paper. It floated for a bit, then turned and sank.
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My mother died a few months into Covid shutdown, and we had no service. I think funeral home costs were about $2400(?). This included a kind and respectful pickup at my house, as arranged by the hospice chaplain. Also cremation, newspaper obit bill (they handled the submission), 10 death certificates. It also included the urn, but per funeral home recommendation we selected a $25 plastic container that is certified for airline transport.
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I have heard too many stories of “scattering of ashes” not going well.
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These were well contained and biodegradable. We also followed maritime rules.
A friend scattered ashes on a lake, and they blew back in their faces 
. Rule #1: figure which way the wind is blowing if you’re going rouge!
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Eventually the waters mix.
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Eventually all the waters mix. You could even map it, but I hope that when the time comes your family finds peace with scattering in all the places that having meaning for your family.
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My mom, a lifelong Catholic, is still in her box in the living room, eleven years later. She told my dad not to put her in their church’s columbarium til he can join her. And so she sits. My nephew was on my sister’s piano for almost ten years. He and one of my brothers are one row away from my mom, and next to each other, which is ironic, since they were both wild souls. Probably having a party wherever they are.
My last surviving aunt passed away last fall and she spent her last years making cards and photo displays for her funeral. She even wrote her eulogy!
Judaism isn’t big on cremation, so I imagine we will have simple wooden boxes and get planted in our congregation’s section at the Jewish cemetery near us. We haven’t bought plots yet. They’re about $2200 each. I’ve been to the graves of extended family as I work on genealogy, but don’t expect my sons will come back to visit us often in a cemetery. They are both far away.
I want music in my last hours and at the funeral. Graveside is fine. H is even more minimalist.
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I told DH to put my lovely urn on the nightstand on his side of the bed so I don’t miss anything juicy.
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My maternal grandmother died when I was a toddler. For several years we visited her grave on an almost weekly basis. My siblings and I hated going but it must have been comforting to my mother.
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