As I posted upthread, I just want DH/DS (any survivors) to put on some Bee Gees and remember the good times—and they were all good times.
My dear friend who was killed in a wrong-way collision last year was a big guy who used to joke that the crematorium would have to run him through twice. (His wife noted at his memorial that once was sufficient.) We have a funeral directive, but I really d/won’t care what’s done to my body. I’ll be celebrating elsewhere.
The military cemetery near us, should we choose to be buried there, buries the husband and wife on top of each other, with one name in each side of the graves stone. Lots of bad, tasteless jokes about that possibility of positioning for eternity
University of Connecticut also accepts bodies for medical use. You need to die in CT and you need to have died without certain diseases, and you need to set it up beforehand. I looked into it for myself and almost committed, but at the last minute I got cold feet. My father donated his body to the University of California, San Diego, Medical School. I think it’s a great gift to advance medical knowledge.
Now when I die I don’t want no coffin
I thought about it all too often
Just strap me in behind the wheel
And bury me with my automobile
-JT, Traffic Jam-
I also like Joe Diffie’s “Prop Me Up Beside the Jukebox”
Well, I ain’t afraid of dying, it’s the thought of being dead
I wanna go on being me once my eulogy’s been read
Don’t spread my ashes out to sea, don’t lay me down to rest
You can put my mind at ease if you fill my last request
Prop me up beside the jukebox if I die
Lord, I wanna go to Heaven, but I don’t wanna go tonight
Fill my boots up with sand
Put a stiff drink in my hand
Prop me up beside the jukebox if I die
Just let my headstone be a neon sign
Just let it burn in memory of all of my good times
Fix me up with a mannequin, just remember I like blondes
I’ll be the life of the party even when I’m dead and gone
Prop me up beside the jukebox if I die
Lord, I wanna go to Heaven, but I don’t wanna go tonight
Fill my boots up with sand
Put a stiff drink in my hand
Prop me up beside the jukebox if I die
Oh
Just make your next selection
And while you’re still in line
You can pay your last respects
One quarter at a time
Cremation can run between $500 and $8000 - you need to call around. When my father died the chaplain at the hospital recommended a guy who charged about $700, told us we didn’t need him at the funeral (at father’s church). Father was having a service in Colorado but being buried in his family plot in Massachusetts in the public cemetery but where the family had been buried since 1890s.
When my mother died 4 years later, that cremation guy had gone out of business, but I found another that was only $530. Also no frills, but that’s what we wanted. Did the same (as my mother requested) with a service here and burial in the same plot. Her cousin worked for the town for a million years, so his gift has been paying for the plot to be opened (I think around $750) and I’m not sure if we had to pay for the little chapel at the cemetery or not. Anyway, since we are now only burying the ashes, we can do that endless number of times. We are the end of the line as my uncle has his own burial arrangements, and I doubt any of us will be buried in that town. We’ve been gone since 1966.
Anyway, call around. The major funeral homes in this town charge up to $8000 for cremation and more for other services (greeting at the funeral, transportation, extra viewings…my friends paid thousands and his father was military and had a burial at a military cemetery). I just called from an online search and saved thousands.
Does the large disparity in cost give you any concern that the crematory is actually cremating the remains? There have been so many horror stories about some of these places actually just stacking up decomposing bodies and giving unknown ashes to grieving family members while deceased is rotting in a back room. I know that is graphically disgusting but when they charge so little, that is where my mind goes. I would think they should all charge that little, but apparently cremation is expensive due to the facility parameters required to do it and the environmental regulations to do it. Not sure how you check out a crematorium - BBB?
There are several discount online casket companies, including Costco! Some are having Memorial Day sales!
Maybe folks could buy one in advance and store it in their cellar! Can also be used at Halloween!
Oh boy, recently tried to have this discussion with husband and hit a big roadblock. He agreed we should start planning to take the burden off our son. But - we live in San Diego and he says he doesn’t want to be buried in California; he wants to be where the grave can be visited. Huh?! And where’s that? Oh, either back east in Connecticut where his parents and many other friends and family of his are buried, or Chicagoland where my parents are and where we lived for 40 years. And he definitely wants a traditional Jewish burial - so within three days.
I honestly don’t know how he thinks this can happen. If he goes first, does he expect me to arrange an instant cross country burial in Connecticut, where I haven’t been in many years? Is there even room by his parents? I promise you that (1) I have no intent of spending eternity next to my MIL and (2) neither son nor I will be regularly flying there to visit the grave. And if Chicagoland…my mom bought six plots at a very nice Jewish cemetery when my Dad died and they are in two of them. But she put my brother as co-owner so now he owns the remaining four. I think he’d give me two if I asked, and he still lives in the area. But again, the logistics of handling this and then regular visiting? Not sure husband has thought this through!
Not sure how to approach this now. I tentatively mentioned it a second time and he is still adamant about not in California. I had suggested we meet with our Rabbi just to get an idea of what we can plan. There’s one traditional Jewish cemetery in the area, and I think a section of another. Personally, I’d like to end up in the Hollywood cemetery Johnny Carson used to joke about with all the deceased Jewish celebrities. But at least somewhere son could visit - if he ever wanted to.
But I spent both of my parents’ funerals and shivas feeling like an outsider or kind of a guest rather than a primary decision maker (long story) so I’ll be bleeped if I’ll be an out-of-towner at my own.
Sorry, this got longer than I expected but it’s a concern! I’m starting to suspect I should plan myself where I can logically be (I can afford a couple of plots) and put it in writing. If I go first, husband is stuck and then he can do whatever he likes for himself. If he goes first - with nothing in writing - I’ll do what’s best for son and myself.
The first guy was recommended by the Jewish chaplain at the Lutheran Hospital for our Catholic service, so I figured God was looking out for us. My father fell at home (in county #1), was taken by ambulance to hospital (county #2), sent to rehab home (county #3), back to hospital (county #2) where he died. On a holiday weekend. Hospital was insisting the death certificate had to come from county #3, where he hadn’t even spent a night! The guy came to our house to explain his services and fees, and we were really happy with him doing everything and not overcharging us. And he straightened out all the death certificates (from county #1). I was sad when I couldn’t locate him for my mother’s cremation.
For hers, I called and the one I found for $530 was ABC or something, so at the top of the list. It was a little secretive as they wouldn’t tell me the address (just the area of town) until it was time to pick up, and then there really wasn’t a store front, just an address you had to be buzzed into. I don’t know why but it was in a more industrial area. Still, it was rather easy and I’d use them again in a minute.
Did we get someone else’s ashes? I don’t think so and I don’t know (or care). This is what my mother wanted - just the same as my father’s 4 years before. Same flowers, same services, same Holy Cards, same same same.
I did learn that ashes for Catholics are not to be spread or kept on the mantle. So they are buried in a plot. If anyone wants to join them, we have plenty of room!
Friends have bought biodegradable urns so they can be cremated and supposedly go in the lake behind their house. Already did the necessary permits for that to happen.
I would like to be buried under a rose bush on our property.
Re: the ‘being buried where people will visit’ - that was definitely at the forefront of mind when my brother and I picked my parents’ resting place - and when I paid thousands for an adjacent two plots.
But in the 10 years since I’ve only visited a handful of times (and I live an hour away) and my children have never visited their grandparents’ cemetery.
With today’s far-flung families I don’t know that the ‘chance to visit’ piece is as relevant as it was decades ago when more people stayed in their home towns. Of course it varies by families. I just don’t see my kids pilgrimaging to my physical resting place in the future.
My parents were beloved but I don’t equate number of cemetery visits with the level of regard. I think about them all the time.
Great discussion as it’s helping me think through my future plans…
Exactly! I can’t tell you how many times we have NOT visited my MIL grave as we pass it weekly to go meet son for dinner or whatever. We always go by, look at it and say “we really need to visit mom and bring spring/fall/Christmas flowers”…and yet, we never do! We visited Easter, her birthday, mother’s day and Christmas first year of passing…kind of just became a glance as we drove by after that. Doesn’t mean we don’t think about her, we do that often. One of the reasons I’m not sure I actually want a resting place, besides the cost, I don’t ever want my kids to feel guilty not visiting me. I just want to be remembered for those funny laughing moments we’ve had, vacations we’ve shared, the love of our pets.
