<p>This past year has been a hard one on the people around me. In the oast year, a classmate committed suicide, a professor’s father-in-law passed away, I found out one of my friend from HS died in a car accident last year, and within the past month, two of my friends have lost one of their parents (and a third has a parent with terminal cancer). </p>
<p>One of the funerals is this weekend, and my sorority sisters and I were issued an open invitation to attend. I’ve never met the deceased, and while her daughter and I are friends, we aren’t ultraclose friends. On one hand, I feel like I should go as a sign of support; on the other, it seems almost tacky, in a way, to attend if I didn’t know the deceased. Would sending a sympathy card be more appropriate? The service is Catholic, if it makes a difference.</p>
<p>It’s never inappropriate to attend a memorial service for a friend’s parent, especially if you have been invited. If several of the girls from your sorority attended, that would be a nice way to support your friend. She will be glad to know that you made the effort to be there. I attended a funeral in college for a friend whose father passed away. Two of my friends also went and they did not know the father, only the daughter. </p>
<p>You could also send her a card, or you could do that instead of attending the service. It’s the show of support in any way that counts.</p>
<p>I am so sorry to hear about all of the sadness around you.</p>
<p>As for your question, if at all possible please attend the service. Send a card as well and write a personal note in it. Just let your friend know that you care. Trust me,it will mean a lot to her. I lost my brother several years ago and have saved every card I have received and remember every kindness and support that was shown to me.</p>
<p>At many, many funerals… a significant number of people will not have known the deceased. They are there to show respect and support for the survivors. </p>
<p>Your presence will be hugely appreciated by your friend and the whole family.</p>
<p>If you live nearby, one thing you could do is offer to stay at their house during the funeral service. Everyone who knows the deceased plans to go to the funeral. Thieves have been known to take the info from the paper about funeral services and hit the homes of the relatives during the service. I did this for a neighbor recently whose daughter was killed in an accident (I had never met the daughter), and my neighbor seemed to really appreciate it - - no one else had offered to do it, and of course their family and friends wanted to attend the service.</p>
<p>Any time you go through something that is intensely emotional in a negative way, there are certain things that get indelibly impressed upon your memory. Perhaps surprisingly, one of these is the presence and reactions of people around you. Your friend will always remember that you were there at her parent’s funeral, and she will appreciate it. While it may feel awkward to you, your friend will simply accept you as a friendly face appearing before her in a sea of pain–and this will be helpful for her. You don’t really need to say or do much of anything. Thank you for doing this for your friend.</p>
<p>^^^ Agreed. The strongest memory I have from my late moms funeral over 5 yrs ago is the presence of a friend who had never met my mom. Go. It is the right thing to do.</p>
<p>When my dad died, 3 friends drove an hour and a half in pouring rain to attend his viewing, even though they never met him. I can’t tell you how much it meant to me, and still does to this day, nearly 20 years later.</p>
<p>My sister died while my niece was at college about 3 hours away. Quite a few members of her sorority made the trip to come to the funeral home. It was appreciated by not only my niece but all of the close family who worried about niece’s support when she eventually returned to school. It was nice to know that her “sisters” cared enough to make the trip.</p>
<p>Funerals are not for the dead, but for the living. You go to give support to the family members. That is what I remember from the funerals of my parents. You should go.</p>
<p>And, if you are not Catholic and are hesitant about the funeral service, please know there will be many other non-Catholics in the pews with you and the priests are usually good about letting everyone know when to sit and stand, etc. (and you can just follow along with the crowd, anyway.)</p>
<p>I second all the recommendations to attend the funeral- it means so much to the survivors. For info- Catholic services usually have three parts:
The vigil- sometimes called the “wake”. This can take place at the church or at the funeral home. It is often followed by the recitation of the rosary. There is usually a period of viewing of the body or coffin, if closed, visitation of the family and friends before and after the formal services. The formal wake service is about 30 minutes long and then the rosary recitation another 30. The vigil usually takes place for 1 evening before the funeral Mass.
The funeral Mass- always at the church, sometimes preceeded by a brief viewing and visitation in the lobby before Mass starts. The mass will last 1-1.5 hrs. There will be plenty of non- Catholics there so you won’t feel too out of place.<br>
Gravesite service- the priest or deacon accompanies the body, family and friends to the cemetary, usually right after the Mass, but not always. Prayers are said at gravesite- military honors, if any are given and the service ends with many people laying flowers on the coffin before it is lowered. The crowd is dispersed before they lower the body. </p>
<p>Usually, but not always, there will be a reception following the gravesite service- often back at the church hall, or at the home of a relative. People bring food and stay with the family visiting. </p>
<p>There should be many people at the wake and funeral Mass. Often, people resist going to the gravesite, unless they are close family. I would suggest that if you are OK with it, try hard to attend all three aspects of the funeral, including the gravesite service. That is often the hardest part for the family and friends.</p>
<p>GO! When I was a young mother, a friend from high schools mother died. The funeral was at a time I had an appointment; I did not attend, because I didn’t want to be inconvenienced. I could have changed the appointment, I could have had someone babysit my kids, but for some reason I didn’t want to bother. This was over 15 years ago and I remember my selfish behavior often. I was old enough to know better, but I think I was afraid to say or do the wrong thing. </p>
<p>Going to a funeral is never wrong, not going could be.</p>
<p>Thank you for all the feedback. I have decided to attend.</p>
<p>Even though I know this is naive, having gone to summer camps for kids with disabilities and chronic illnesses for much of my life, it still feels like we are “too young” to be attending funerals… sigh.</p>
<p>I used to feel really awkward at funerals, until 13 years ago when my FIL died. The kindnesses shown were overwhelming, in a good way. I realized that any kind of show of support made a big difference.</p>
<p>Of course I agree with everyone saying that going is the right thing to do. Years ago, I had one of those life-changing high school teachers. I hadn’t kept up with him, and had graduated college when his wife died unexpectedly. I couldn’t attend, but sent him a long letter to let him know that I was thinking of him, and although much later than I should have, I told him what a positive influence he and his wife had been to me. I never heard back from him…didn’t expect to.</p>
<p>Fast forward a few years, my father passed away (in the same small town). I went back for the funeral, and at the visitation, a young woman came up and introduced herself, as the daughter of my teacher. He could not attend the service, and she went in his place to tell me how much he was thinking of me…didn’t know me, didn’t know my dad, only casually knew one of my nieces. The next day at the gravesite, the service was ending, and I saw my teacher, standing quite a ways away, looking on. I caught his eye, he waved, and then he left. Wow. Most of that time is still a blur to me (16 years later), but I can remember these acts of kindness like they were yesterday.</p>
In the oast year, a classmate committed suicide, a professor’s father-in-law passed away, I found out one of my friend from HS died in a car accident last year, and within the past month, two of my friends have lost one of their parents (and a third has a parent with terminal cancer).