<p>My son will be a freshman in August and is going to the same college as his boyfriend. He just told us that they are wanting to be roommates. I think he is too young to LIVE with his boyfriend and it could lead to a lot of problems if they break up, but on the up side, it means less other roommate issues. Any thoughts or others in the same situation would be greatly appreciated.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s a good idea for such young romantic partners to live together in the first semester of college. The transition is fraught, as it is, romantic ups-and-downs can only make it more difficult. If they are in the same school, they will have plenty of time to be together. Explain to your son that no how much a couple cares for each other, private space is a healthy thing for a relationship.</p>
<p>I agree that it’s not a good idea… it has nothing to do with his sexuality. </p>
<p>zoose gives excellent advice. I’d also explain to him that it’s a way to increase your friend base and that they can always live together sophomore year.</p>
<p>I agree. As much as I “loved” my college boyfriends, I can’t imagine living together at that time. Way too much togetherness! I hope your son and his bf live separately for at least a year or two. Fights or a breakup would be awful!</p>
<p>I think both posters offered good points. I’m with you and would worry about them breaking up and the hassles that would bring. Maybe they could get singles in the same dorm? That would eliminate any potential problems with jealousy over a roommate, etc. Tough call but I wish your son well.</p>
<p>I like the singles idea, too. I just think everyone needs some emotional and physical space in order to study and settle in. I’ve been married for over 25 years. I love my husband dearly but I wouldn’t want to be stuck in a small room with him 24/7 for an entire school year. I mean, that might be a fun thing, but there are circumstances under which root canal might be fun, too.</p>
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<p>The problem here is that private space isn’t the alternative. The alternative is a random roommate who might be homophobic (unless they happen to be on one of the few campuses where freshmen can get singles). </p>
<p>I can see why they might be more comfortable sharing a room. And if the relationship ends, they can probably get a roommate switch fairly quickly. This is on-campus housing. Moving is easier than it is off-campus, where people sign year-long leases.</p>
<p>If even one of them had a single it would help.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t work from the presumption of homophobia. This generation, with some exceptions, is pretty accepting. There is no reason a gay kid and a straight kid couldn’t be compatible roommates. There is also the possibility of suites or other kind of living arrangements. We don’t know what options are available.</p>
<p>I think it’s a horrible idea. Would anyone want their daughter/son rooming with her/his boy/girl friend in the freshman dorm?</p>
<p>I have a problem with the notion that two freshmen should make less than optimal living arrangements because they are gay and don’t have the right to expect the respectful, appropriate housing situation that all other students will expect as their due.</p>
<p>I am sort of surprised they are suggesting this. I think most 18-year-old lovers basically intuit that it’s a bad idea to cohabit at their age, particularly in a context where it will be difficult to move out if it doesn’t work. Through my kids, I know a fair number of gay kids who were long-term couples in college, and none of them shared an apartment, much less a single dorm room, until after they graduated (and then only with a lot of trepidation).</p>
<p>I tend to agree with most of the comments, but am wondering if any of you actually have a gay student, or are relating only as a parent of a hetro child.</p>
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<p>Mmm… not really. Not at most places. You’d have to have two people willing to completely uproot their “house” to move. I know people who never got their request to switch dorms because there was no where to put them. </p>
<p>I really don’t think his sexuality warrants a single. Open homophobia is fairly rare at most public colleges. Granted, I am speaking from a pretty limited experience but I have LGBT friends at colleges all over the country and none of them have had roommate issues because of their sexuality. I strongly advise against singles as a freshmen… so easy to just trap yourself in your room and not interact with other people.</p>
<p>I am speaking as a bi student.</p>
<p>JHS, I know many couples (straight and gay) who moved in sophomore and junior year. It’s pretty common around here for long term couples to live together (I am one of those) but NOT freshmen year. It’s a terrible idea.</p>
<p>ETA: I should add that I was engaged freshmen year of college and I still thought that living with my (now ex) finace was a terrible idea.</p>
<p>Not with personal experience, but I would see this the same as rooming with a romantic interest or best friend regardless of sexual orientation. I don’t think it is a good idea to room with a best friend as a freshman as it sort of inhibits you from meeting new people and making new friends. If there is a room mate problem, it affects the friendship. As a compromise, some close friends choose to be on the same floor- still close but not room mates. Yet, there are exceptions to this.</p>
<p>College is about growth and change and so much of this goes on the first year. I know many (not all) relationships break up freshman year. Yes, there are exceptions, and some very mature students handle this. But IMHO, I like the idea of a freshman having a new start, new people, and the freedom to meet people before they settle down- but we don’t always get to pick this for them.</p>
<p>I see your son’s point in that it would be easier for them to be together. He would not risk disapproval from a room mate- but his potential room mates may need to learn tolerance. It’s also pretty awkward to have a room mate with a girlfriend or boyfriend who want to be together. That is part of the negotiation and being considerate for both of them… and part of the growth process to maturity. I assume he is attending a college where tolerance is promoted. If they are both concerned about disapproval, then this may be a safe thing for them to do, but painful to hide so I hope they do not have to. I get it- it is not about sexual orientation, but about your son limiting his college experience of meeting new people. </p>
<p>However, moving in with someone, like marriage, to me, is a very adult decision, and I would expect that the adult is self supporting as a sign of maturity. In this case, I would have difficulty paying for them to live together. Of course I am not so naive to think that they would not be together regardless, it is still a preference that he have his personal space as long as I am paying for it. This is one of those difficult times where he is almost on his own, and yet dependent on you. If he is financially independent- then that is his decision.</p>
<p>What he needs most, as any young adult, is your unconditional love and support through this. Is this really what he wants to do or is he feeling pressure? Sometimes they still need us to set limits, to be the “bad guy” for them, so in this case, maybe he needs you to say no?</p>
<p>You can have your opinion, but if he insists on living with his boyfriend- then dealing with the relationship is going to be a learning experience for both of them. It might work, and if it does not- then they both will negotiate that rocky road of heartbreak- hard for a parent to watch…</p>
<p>I am not the parent of a gay student but I have gay family members and friends and it seems their relationship issues are pretty much the same as everyone’s… and break ups are equally painful. Love is love.</p>
<p>mommum, I appreciate your interest in soliciting comments from people who share your exact experience, but I don’t think it’s right for you to register on this forum with zero posts and ask parents if their kid is gay.</p>
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Some places have singles with a shared bathroom or living room. I think that can work or a hall that’s all singles but very social.</p>
<p>I guess it would depend on the school. Singles tend to be upperclassmen who have their own groups of friends. IME, singles floors tend to be pretty dead. If it was a freshmen singles floor then that would change my answer.</p>
<p>I am sorry if I have offended you NJres, I am just trying to help get some insight from perhaps a parent that has had this delema. My husband and I have been 100% supportive of our son with nothing but unconditional love for him. We also accept his boyfriend and his family and we all get along great. Both my husband and I really believe it would be better for them be room seperatley both from a life and social aspect. They have different majors and will be spending plenty of time meeting new people, and are both outgoing, so we feel that they will flourish in college. It is an accepting school with a LBGT support center on campus, and I think that the chance of having a roommate issue, runs the same risk as every other kid. However, I am trying to also respect how my son is feeling. He is afraid of being the unlucky one with a problem roommate (sexuallity wise: I hate to label someone homophobic). I really think we will put our foot down, but wanted to put this out there as a new college mom. Thanks to all of you for your thoughts. I really appreciate it.</p>
<p>You know, gay kids sometimes have problem roommates who are just sucky roommates, having nothing to do with the other’s homosexuality. </p>
<p>Sometimes people who are romantic partners are awful roommates. Which is another question for the OP. As great as your son’s relationship is, are both partners the kind of people who could conduct themselves nicely in a small space where no one is cleaning up after them or keeping them in line? I have a daughter who we all worried would be a terrible roommate because she is a brat.</p>