<p>My son had a single freshman year on a floor that was a mix of singles and doubles. There was no isolating, I assure you. He was really “over” having roommates since he had gone to boarding school and he is a neat-nik. The single was like a closet and I thought it was awful, but it worked for him. Plenty of socializing in the dorm and otherwise.</p>
<p>I can see momunn’s point about wanting to hear from parents of gay children. It seems like it’s the same issue you’d face with a heterosexual child, but I think that there’s an extra layer of complexity that might make a gay freshman want his partner to room with him. Maybe he wants to have his dorm room be a safe place where he doesn’t have to explain himself and he thinks having his boyfriend as his roommate is the best way to guarantee that. As enlightened as this generation may be, there is always the chance of rooming with someone who perhaps innocently wants to ask a lot of questions about what it means to be gay and sometimes you’re just not in the mood to explain it.</p>
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Absolutely true and totally legitimate. But rooming with a romantic partner can have its own problems. It’s just a question of figuring out which is the better option overall.</p>
<p>I think your son is partially trying to avoid potential discomfort by rooming with his boyfriend. Most men (and women apply as well) have a certain fixation on “manly” things and avoid all things “feminine”, thus increasing their views on homosexual relationships. He may be worried about that aspect, which is completely rational but bunking with a boyfriend is just as sketchy, in my opinion. Is there coed housing? Perhaps he would be more open to that idea.</p>
<p>I think as parents we all support your concerns mommum because an 18 year old freshman has a lot of maturity ahead of him, gay or straight. I can see why the two of them fear a homophobic room mate. I think colleges have some sort of way for room mates to find each other? I don’t think I would put a young couple together on the basis of fear. Is it desire to be together or fear of the unknown? </p>
<p>Perhaps you (and they) could contact the LBGT center at their school and discuss this. I bet this is not the first time they have dealt with this question. Maybe a gay counselor, adviser or faculty member could help discuss this from experience. They could also consult with the housing staff to get them matched with tolerant room mates. The LBGT center is there to help students and their families.</p>
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<p>Yes and there’s always a chance of rooming with someone who doesn’t like your race, religion, etc. But I really think it’s a pretty small chance, ime, and shouldn’t be the primary reason you choose a single or to live with your SO.</p>
<p>“The alternative is a random roommate who might be homophobic . …”</p>
<p>No, the alternative is a that he’ll likely get a random roomate who will work out just fine . . . like most roomate situations do.</p>
<p>Statistically it is much more likely that a roommate will NOT be homphobic . . . seems odd to base housing decisions on a feared and fairly rare exception.</p>
<p>Pennylane’s suggestion to contact the LGBT center seems like a pretty wise one. Otherwise, I would suggest at least one of the boys tries to get a single room.</p>
<p>My S had a single and his GF had a single and they ended up living together on the tiniest single bed in the tiniest room. I have no idea of how they managed.</p>
<p>I think he went to his room once a month. We told him it was a mistake and he’d lose his male friends (which did happen). There was insurance if they broke up (which they didn’t) because he did have a room to move into. OTOH, we wasted a lot of money on his room. The school wouldn’t let us off the hook of paying for it, and I can see their point, too.</p>
<p>There were good and bad things about this. Both young people moved on. DS is finally dating someone else, and he did graduate and is now going to grad school.</p>
<p>Good: He was in love. He followed it through to its own natural conclusion the way he wanted to. He grew up because he wanted to take care of her.</p>
<p>Cons: He let some of his EC’s go and got wrapped up in her to the detriment of other friendships. There were other problems, but they were unique to these particular people.</p>
<p>My conclusion? I think homophobia is very real. The cases of recorded same-sex encounters leading to really negative outcomes by stupid roommates is real. For that reason, I don’t think I’d be so quick to discourage this. Homophobia might do more damage than any outcomes of the situation. If they break up, an explanation of the situation would problem shake a new room free or some other accommodation.</p>
<p>Someone said they wouldn’t start with homophobia, but it’s real and has done a lot of damage to young people very recently.</p>
<p>I do understand the arguments against it, and I think they are wise, so this is a very hard call IMO.</p>
<p>myth- the point is that your S and his GF had their own rooms if needed. The OP’s son would not. My bf and I lived in my dorm room all last year (sophomore) unofficially (same situation as your S and his GF) and we managed, however if something had happened, we technically had our own rooms to go to. </p>
<p>Yes. Homophobia is real. So is xenophobia, racism, religious intolerance, etc. And there are just crappy roommates. However, the vast majority of LGBT college students experience no problems with their roommates.</p>
<p>Do they still, at this late date, have the option of selecting their own roommates? I know all that was locked and loaded a month ago at my daughter’s school.</p>
<p>Have these young men joined any Facebook groups for incoming freshman? Perhaps they could identify two other suitable roommates–either openly gay or openly gay-friendly, and pair up separately? </p>
<p>Have they actually articulated that the concern is about having a roommate who won’t accept the relationship–or do they just want to live together (which parents are unanimous in their view is not a great plan).</p>
<p>It won’t help the OP, but here’s a plug for gender-neutral housing. Some young gay men are excruciatingly shy about being in close quarters with other males. Perhaps the son’s concern is not a homophobic room-mate at all. Possibly <em>any</em> other male would be uncomfortable to share a room with. In a gender-neutral dorm there is the possibility of an opposite sex room-mate, which can feel safer and even – yes – more modest than a same-sex. I agree pretty much with everyone’s reluctance to see a couple rooming together their freshman year.</p>
<p>My D in college is straight but has friends who are gay and lesbian. Her lesbian friends who are in committed relationships are not dorming together and neither are her gay friends who are in such relationships. My D has her own room for the past 2 years since she’s an RA and she’s never moved a boyfriend in.</p>
<p>As far as college students being tolerant, can anyone say “Dharun Ravi?” It’s the possibility of meeting up with someone like him that makes me half inclined to tell the OP to let the boys live together. However,I really like the idea of going to the LGBT and getting them matched with tolerant roomies.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>My son, who is gay, started college in 2010. His first roommate was not a match. My son sent him a letter in the summer before school and the roommate responded that he did not want a gay roommate. The school was very supportive; they told the roommate in no uncertain terms that he might have a roommate who was gay and he needed to grow up and deal with that. </p>
<p>However, coming from south Texas, my son was tired of dealing with people who are not okay with him being gay, so he requested a room change. His freshman year he wound up rooming with three straight guys and had no problem. Same thing Sophomore year. Now I don’t know if his roommates are straight or gay, I cannot remember! </p>
<p>I wish you, your son and his boyfriend the very best of luck. Oh, and I completely agree that boyfriends (or any young couple) living together in the dorm in a bad idea.</p>
<p>As Momum said…most people here are speculating hetero rooming…are gay relationships the same? I also don’t think that the great world out there is as ready for gay room mates as we might like them to be…it’s fraught no matter what. I know my S would not have been happy to have a gay room mate…and I am sorry to have to say that.</p>
<p>OP - I don’t have a gay child (at least that I know of now - one is still young enough not to know) but I do have a gay brother and my “third” son (a very close friend) is openly gay. When he started college last year he was open about his sexuality on the form he filled out for housing. He was automatically assigned to a single. No explanation but he felt it was due to his sexual orientation. It worked out fine for him. I do agree with the other poster who said that in this day and age, more and more people are accepting. My children’s high school, for example, is incredibly open and accepting - my DS1’s senior class president was openly gay (not the “3rd” son I speak of) and there were several openly gay students in his class. DS2 says his class (rising seniors) also have several openly gay students who are totally accepted. Not saying there are never problems but overall the students at my children’s high school are very accepting.</p>
<p>Perhaps the well publicized [Ravi</a> - Clementi incident](<a href=“http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2012/02/06/120206fa_fact_parker?currentPage=all]Ravi”>The Story of a Suicide | The New Yorker) may be on their minds, although there was a lot of other stuff going on there besides the superficial description.</p>
<p>While most younger people these days are accepting of gay people and gay marriage, there is likely a non-trivial minority of younger people who are not. Plus there is the potential of getting a poor match of a roommate for other reasons.</p>
<p>On the aspect of people in a relationship living together in a dorm room as freshmen, it seems like such does not get tested in a non-gay context, since college dorms generally do not have coed rooms (though the co-op houses at Berkeley do if all roommates choose each other and agree to have a coed room).</p>
<p>Have they considered how they will get along as roommates? For example, have they checked compatibility with each other based on the room assignment questions that their dorm gave them to answer?</p>
<p>Not the parent of a gay chicld but my niece has roomed with an openly lesbian woman since freshman year. She knew before they even met (via fb) that her roommate was gay. She had no problem with it and they have chosen to live together in the ensuing years. My niece considered dating one of their male roommates and the two decided against it because they were aware of the potential pitfalls and they are great group of roommates.
I would advise my son to live with another roommate. My answer would be the same if at 18 he wanted to live with a girlfriend or boyfriend.</p>
<p>But it’s not the same. My S, who lived with his gf to negative and positive results, said that roommate switched and couples living together is very common. And that two straight male roommates would certainly find it easier to accommodate a request for the room for, um, recreation with a girl than with a guy. He is not homophobic at all, just reflecting his opinion of college life.</p>
<p>He fully understood the young man’s request and thought it should be given more consideration because he speculated that they may, indeed, have difficulty continuing their relationship.</p>
<p>I do understand all the arguments against it.</p>
<p>I would not prohibit either child from trying this because they’re going to anyway if that what they want to do.</p>
<p>I <em>did</em> stress the pitfalls like losing other friends, as I said, but I wasn’t on site to monitor the situation and was able to accept my S’s decision.</p>
<p>I was not pleased about this particular girl for complicated and irrelevant reasons (well irrelevant to this thread) and DS did finally agree.</p>
<p>I would let your roommate know your concerns and make it clear what the issues are. If he still applies for his SO to be his roommate, I would just drop the subject and move on. There is no reason to make this a bigger deal than it is, and that is all you can do. Hopefully it works out, and if it does not, he might learn a lesson from this. Some of us do need to get burned. It also might work out. I know some freshmen from my days of yore that were essentially living together from Day One of college are together 40 years later. They did not get an assigned room together but were so inseparable that they might as well have had.</p>
<p>You’ll find that a young adult will be making a lot of decisions that do not mesh with what you feel are the best choices, and as a parent should draw the battle lines very carefully. Some things are completely your business and you can make the calls. Some things are not. A lot can go either way depending on how you react. I always give my point of view and list the issues involved and what I will and won’t do in the situation, but step back on most things.</p>