<p>This sounds very shallow and stupid, but if I was back in college, I would rather room with someone who was in a wheelchair, because that would mean a bigger room.</p>
<p>Calmom…you made me laugh…!</p>
<p>Eireann…what a valid point you make! </p>
<p>My D. has a very good male friend who is gay and she says she can handle it. </p>
<p>I will let you all know how it goes.</p>
<p>Angst, 3 of my 4 Ds are very much into theatre and, as a result, have many gay friends, both girls and boys. I can assure you that your D’s roommate is no more interested in your D than your D is in her. Why people have this common misconception, I’ll never know. </p>
<p>I’d have to echo the comment that I’d rather one of my children room with a gay roommate than with someone so intolerant and homophobic that they feel the need to move out when they discover that one of their roommates is gay. </p>
<p>Lastly, I would ask that you reconsider how you refer to your D’s roommate, when you state “no gay is going to change her mind about that”. Not very sensitive.</p>
<p>I appreciate your point alwaysamom…I am not sure how my comment is insensitive though.
In an earlier post someone asked if I was worried that her sexual preferences might be influenced by a gay roommate.
I said that no gay is going to change my daughters sexual preferences…its a fact. She is heterosexual and nothing will change that.
I dont know how that is insensitive…its a simple fact. I am not worried about her sexual preferences being influenced by a gay roommate at all.</p>
<p>I am curious how your D who is a soph in college got randomly chosen roommates? I always thought that students after freshmen year, pick their roommates and then enter some sort of housing lottery or whatever that college has. I do not know anyone other than freshmen who are getting roomies that they do not know ahead of time.</p>
<p>As far as the gay roommate…I do not see how this is of concern or a problem unless a problem ACTUALLY arises. To me, part of going to college is learning to live amongst diverse groups of people. I don’t see the gay attribute as any different than if she got a roomie who was very different in terms of other things. The idea is to coexist and learn from all types. I see no issue with the girl coming on to her. Gay people are not going to come on to a straight person. I am not sure how her sexuality will impact your D at all. The issues are not much different than whatever sexual stuff (like being sexiled) that could come up with any roommate. I surely don’t think other people will think your D is gay by association. My D has many gay male friends, and would be fine among lesbians. It does not impact who she is. Nobody would think so. They would think she accepts all type of diverse people. I also would not want a roomie who wanted to move out over this. Being with an intolerant person who makes a judgement right off the bat, not based on anything but sexual preference, is not one I want to be around. I see that as no different than saying you don’t wanna live with someone from a very contrasting religion, race, or political leaning, or socio economic class. Many roommates might be a poor match but a poor match is not based on differences on paper but on how they are able to get along. To me, there is no problem here unless one arises. To decide to not want to room together based on a fact about a person, rather than an actual experience, is rather intolerant. College is partly about learning to be amongst all types of people. Roommates do not have to have a lot in common. They merely need to get along in order to live together. This is the prevailing theme no matter what the differences are on paper between roommates. Would you feel this way if we were talking of race or religion? I don’t see this as much different. </p>
<p>The kids should give it a chance. It could work out beautifully, that is, if kids are open minded. </p>
<p>Susan</p>
<p>Okay, I acknowledge that you don’t understand what in your statement is insensitive, which is unfortunate. It is, simply, referring to this young woman as “a gay”. It’s just not a very polite way to refer to individuals who are gay or lesbian. It may seem like a minor matter of semantics but it’s not, for those who are on the receiving end of a comment like that. They ARE gay, but they shouldn’t be referred to as A gay. That is often the type of language used by individuals who are speaking of gay and lesbian individuals in a derogatory manner. I’ve counselled gay and lesbian youth for many years and I always feel the need, and the responsibility, to step in and point out issues such as this when I hear or see them. It is especially important in your cirumstances if your D has a gay roommate to understand the situation and how seemingly innocent comments can be hurtful. Not trying to lecture, just to inform. :)</p>
<p>p.s. As far as a gay roommate changing your D’s sexual orientation (it’s a more accurate term than preference), there is as much chance of that as there is of your D changing the roommate’s.</p>
<p>Angstridden… Is this a concern of your daughter’s or of yours? do you maybe need to use this as a teaching moment and learn to back off and be a little less angstridden …and maybe your angst is driving your daughter a little nuts? …one of my best buds is gay … a bit of a lamer… but he hangs out with his gay friends …and his guy friends. we’ve all been friends since we were in 6th grade…it’s just not as big a deal to kids these days. do you feel the same thing about race? probably not…it’s the same thing. Ralax…let your daughter grow up.</p>
<p>typo alert…that’s FLAMER not lamer …he’s definitely not lame…he’s great!</p>
<p>joev, ur right, that was stupid and shallow</p>
<p>thats almost as callous as saying:</p>
<p>I would prefer my roomate to commit suicide so that profs give me more leniency on grades and deadlines…</p>
<p>as for the gay thing, I really wouldnt have a problem with my roomate being gay. Getting sexiled wouldn’t be annoying as long as it didn’t occur too often( I might need to sexile my roomate from time to time :))</p>
<p>In general, I am irritated/repulsed by public displays of affection whether heterosexual or homosexual. Get a room!( or at least some closed non-public space) lol!</p>
<p>Not to nitpick, but if it’s offensive to refer to an individual as “a gay,” it’s likely also offensive to refer to someone as “a flamer,” even if he’s a friend. My best friend is gay, and I think it would be a little insensitive if I called him “a flamer,” even if I didn’t mean it in a derogatory sense.
Ansgtridden, as many of those who have posted before me have said, the sexuality of your daughter’s roommate isn’t likely to be an issue unless you choose to make it so. Sexuality should have nothing to do with compatibility as a roommate.</p>
<p>unless of course that one roomate made sexual advances. I read about one girl at brown having her roomate
a. stalk her in the showers
b. give her a french kiss while she was sleeping </p>
<p>before the roomate moved out. That might be scary.</p>
<p>Yes Susan you can pick your roommates. In my D’s case she made a wonderful group of friends last year. She is a very quiet, reserved gal and tends to have a small group of very good friends. The majority of her group are male friends with just a couple females. They are a great bunch of kids and spend alot of time hanging out together. </p>
<p>There is some special honors housing at her school and most of it was taken by returning students who had already been assigned there. D. really wanted in and by a stroke of luck managed to get offered the room of her choice (from what was left there). This is in a better location and is airconditioned, carpeted etc unlike the other honors housing. They had just a few rooms left and D. selected a triple as the best of the options left. She is super excited about moving to that dorm.</p>
<p>She did not want to room with her roommate from last year and she and a good friend discussed rooming together but didnt think they would do well in a roommate situation and thus both opted to have a new roommate…and because of her room situation she will have two.</p>
<p>Always - I am just not sure how else I could have said what I said. You said "They are gay but they shouldnt be referred to as gay? " Why not? Is it an insult to refer to someone as gay? If so why? I am not looking down on them for being gay…
And of course D. could not turn a gay person straight. (or cant I say straight either)
Not trying to give you a hard time…but its not like I am insulting someone who openly admits they are gay to say they are gay.</p>
<p>Spiker - if you read my first post you would see that I said she (daughter) felt she could handle the girls sexual orientation. One of the males in her group is gay. </p>
<p>As a parent I was just asking for thoughts because I wasnt sure I was comfortable with it.</p>
<p>I don’t know if I can explain this any better than AlwaysAMom but I do agree with her. She is NOT saying that it is offensive to use the word “gay” when it is as an adjective…example: “My daughter has many gay friends.” However, it sounds offensive and deragatory to use “gay” as a name or noun…example: “No gay is going to change my D’s sexual preferences.” </p>
<p>Let me make an analogy…It is acceptable to say, “This friend of mine is African American.” But it sounds like name calling to say, “No Black is gonna befriend my kid.” </p>
<p>It is different when used as an adjective to describe sexual orientation, than it is to NAME someone “a gay”. I have never heard anyone say, "A gay is over there. " but I have heard folks describe someone as “gay”…“I think that person might be gay.” Calling someone “a Gay” is very negative sounding, like a label, rather than a description. </p>
<p>I would not want someone to say, “There goes that Jew” about my D, but would have no problem if someone said, “My roommate is Jewish.”</p>
<p>I don’t know how else to explain it. It was not the word, “gay” that was offensive but the USE of it as a name or label.</p>
<p>
That is the issue in a nutshell, yes. Good analogy.</p>
<p>Angst, Susan explained what I said in my earlier post. I don’t think you read it carefully. If you’ll notice, I capitalized the <em>A</em> so as to make it, what I thought, was clear. Of course, it’s not an insult to refer to someone who is gay as gay, but it IS an insult to refer to them as A gay. I hope you can see the difference both in this and in Susan’s excellent example.</p>
<p>No one will change her sexual orientation makes the point no need to say no gay will change her sexual orientation</p>
<p>I was asked if I was worried that my D. might become a gay by rooming with a gay roommate. I responded that no gay was going to make my daughter become gay. Perhaps I should have said it like this…In my opinion ones sexual preferences are highly unlikely to be changed by rooming with one who likes members of the same sex.
It is not my intent to insult anyone and if my wording did then please ignore it.</p>
<p>Indeed Tom1944 as I just posted…do ignore the wording of a quickly written post. No offense is intended and certainly not meant as I wrote the words “no gay will change her sexual orientation”. I was just responding to a post and not sitting down thinking about how I may inadvertantly offend someone by writing it a certain way.</p>
<p>I do try to be careful what I write and it did not occur to me that some might find it insensitive. Considering that I was writing about what could be a touchy topic I should have spent more time thinking of a response so as not to offend anyone.</p>
<p>On another note, I did start this thread and then deleted it …but it would not let me. I wanted to delete it because I did not want to get flame wars or a lot of grief going.
I do appreciate the fact that, this has not occured and you all have given me much insight.</p>
<p>So on to the next topic.</p>
<p>BTW Susan some people have told me they find the term African American offensive because it lumps people into a group also. Many black people are not African American.
Its very difficult today to be politically correct.</p>
<p>Your D has a bunch of guy friends, which is great…do you see the parallel…not all the guys are “attracted” all girls and not lesbians are either. So all should be fine. </p>
<p>I got what you meant btw, and while it wasn’t the best phrasing perhaps, wasn’t bothered by it. I have phrased things rather poorly on this site often. Ah well…</p>