<p>I was not offended. I was just giving an example of how the statement could have been made. Some people get offended some do not. All you can do is try to treat all people with respect. See others view and if possible consider them in your actions. On a public site like this I am careful in how I state things. With my family, friends and associates I my make statements I would not here.</p>
<p>My point about the African American example was NOT the use of African American vs. the use of the term “Black”. Rather, my example’s point would have been better made had I written: </p>
<p>It is one thing to say, “This friend of mine is Black.” and another to say “No Black will befriend my kid.” My point was that using Black, gay, Jewish, African American, Asian American, etc. as an adjective is not considered offensive. But the naming of someone using those terms CAN be. In that regard, saying “A Gay…” or “No Gay…” is calling a person a name, like “that Jew”, “A Black…”, etc. </p>
<p>That was my point, not African American vs. Black terminology. </p>
<p>Pardon my language in these examples but saying “No Gay is…”, for me, is akin to phrasing such as “No ■■■■■■■■■ “no kike…”, “no dyke…”, “no JAP (Jewish American Princess)”, you get the picture.</p>
<p>Susan</p>
<p>PS, I don’t mean this to criticize, but just giving my point of view since it is being discussed. I don’t mean to offend either.</p>
<p>Let’s leave this topic alone. Seems that the more it’s discussed, the more people it’s offending. I honestly don’t think there was any malace intended in ANY of the posts.</p>
<p>Susan, I dont think the term gay is at all like ■■■■■■ or kike or dyke. I really dont think there is a comparison. ■■■■■■■ dyke and kike are insulting terms. Gay is not. At least not in my book.</p>
<p>I really respect your opinions Susan, but I have never thought of gay as an insulting term.
Maybe it is, but if that is the case I was honestly not aware of it. </p>
<p>Tom1944 as I said in my prior post…I wrote the post quickly and did not give a lot of thought to it. Obviously as I said previously I was amiss in not doing so. I do try to think before I type but obviously my fingers were faster than my thoughts this time and I am sorry if anyone was offended as I honestly dont wish to offend anyone. I dont know how many times I can say that!</p>
<p>Thank you Columbiamom! I am moving on.</p>
<p>Gay roommates were an issue at Interlochen, where D did her last two years of high school. Some of the straight guys (a minority at Interlochen) were concerned about having a gay roommate. There were only a few cases where there was a problem. The gay guys were seldom attracted to their straight roommates. However, there was a LOT of drama in the boys’ dorms! D found it interesting.</p>
<p>Angst, clearly you did not MEAN to offend, I realize that. I don’t even know that you did offend. My comments were just part of the discussion of what others were discussing in terms of how one might refer to a person. Again, the use of the word, “gay” is NOT offensive. I think the way a person was referred to as “a gay” was something many of us were not familiar with and were simply discussing and clarifying when you were asking what is wrong with the word, “gay”. So, I joined in and explained how it was the USE of the word, not the word itself. I only meant that the only way I have heard the word used in comfortable terms were “he is a gay person” rather than “here is A Gay” as a name, such as “see that Homo over there?” I had never heard it used as a noun reference. </p>
<p>In any case, some of this might just be where you are coming from, a different perspective, that’s all. I shared mine. Again, not being critical as much as discussing the issue at hand. It does not matter that much, nor if we agree, simply tried to clarify what another poster was trying to say that at first, I do not think you realized what they were trying to say because I think you felt that the word, “gay” is not problematic and you are right, it is not, at least as an adjective, from my experience.</p>
<p>Anyway, the bigger issue, as I said all along, is learning to live with all types of kids in college. I can’t see drawing the line with sexual orientation. It is not that different than other major differences that two roomies might have. I would let them make the best of it and only be concerned if some negative experience arose between them, as I would with any roommates that had actual problems. Again, dismissing a roommate cause of factual information about them, rather than actual negative experiences, to me becomes an issue of intolerance. </p>
<p>Susan</p>
<p>Susan</p>
<p>I have been “hit on” by a lesbian, so why would I feel safe. In fact I would rather have a gay male roomie, who would never have designs on me than a gay female.
I think sexual orientation is quite a different animal from race, religion, obesity, etc. I am not homophobic, and can certainly have gay males and females for friends, but do I want a lesbian as a roommie? I think I would prefer to sleep well at night.</p>
<p>Well, if you have a gay roommate who starts hitting on you and won’t stop, then that’s a legitimate reason to request a room change. But just because a lesbian hit on you doesn’t mean you should feel ‘unsafe’ around them all. An unwanted sexual advance from a lesbian would still be less scary to me than one from a straight men. Straight men are far, far more likely than gay or straight females to carry things too far, become forceful, and use violence. In other words, I believe that the vast majority of lesbians understand the word “no.”</p>
<p>I’ve seen far more problems caused by straight roommates who bring home an endless procession of one-night-stands. Try “sleeping well at night” when there’s a different guy in your roommate’s bed each night.</p>
<p>Does everyone who doesn’t want to room with a gay person have to be labled a bigot by you supposedly “tolerant” liberals? Maybe I’d rather have a straight roommate because I’d want someone I could relate to about something that such a defining factor of my personality.</p>
<p>stephable, I’m sure it’s not great to have a couple having sex in a bed 6 feet away, but really I don’t care…I would rather have a straight roomie, that’s all. </p>
<p>What’s the reason most schools don’t mix male and female in the same room? The female should not mind, she should not have anti-male bias. I am not a bigot, in fact I am very open-minded.</p>
<p>I know too many people who would be uncomfortable having a roomie of a different color; now that kind of bias I have a problem with. </p>
<p>I just don’t want to deal with a gay roomie, and her constant stream of gay companions. I would rather have that same lesbian as my friend in the cafeteria, gym, physics class…just not in my room.</p>
<p>I bet many of the people that don’t want to hang with gay people actually have gays friends, they just don’t know it…</p>
<p>and to tell you the truth, sexuality, while an important aspect of ones lfe, is not the only aspect…</p>
<p>You could have a roommate from a totally different political perspective, a virgin, a jock, a computer fanatic, a musician, a drug user, a dancer, a sorority or frat kid- all kinds of people</p>
<p>Would I have been able to handle aa roommate with whose main goal in life was to get married, or who wanted to pray all the time? I think so, but I would have had much in common…</p>
<p>And, you could have a roommate who only has guy friends who hit on you all the time, or a roommate who came in drunk or stoned…</p>
<p>That’s a pretty overt logical fallacy to say “Oh well, it could be worse, you could be rooming with a murderer/stoner/whatever”. We’re not talking about worse. We’re talking about having a gay roommate. Some people would prefer to be rooming with someone more compatible with them on such a major facet of their personality. If that’s the case, they should switch roommates no matter how many people are crying bigotry in the spirit of “tolerance”, all the while being intolerant of their wishes.</p>
<p>What do you think will happen if you have a gay roommate? Seriously.</p>
<p>I have a couple gay friends who had straight roommates - neither hit on their roommates, and neither had a “constant stream of gay companions” coming into their room. If they had issues with their roommates, it was over normal stuff like messiness, noisiness, etc. </p>
<p>Even if I had a roommate who was bringing tons of gay people into the room, I really wouldn’t care. For that matter, I know many straight people who have loads of gay friends. For example, you better hope you don’t get a roommate who’s into theatre, even if she is straight. </p>
<p>Sexuality is not such a “major facet” of your personality that you couldn’t relate to a gay person. What will keep you from relating to a gay roommate is your own intolerance and insecurity. I relate to my friends, gay and straight, because we have similar values, senses of humour, and interests. Sexuality does not enter into the equation.</p>
<p>I can appreciated the desire to have a roomie that you can relate to or have things in common with. However, as freshmen, you get random roomies who are very likely NOT going to have things in common with you that you cannot relate to. This could be their sexual orientation, their religion, their socio-economic class, their political persuasion, their habits, their race, their drinking, their sex lives, their anything. Sure, it is far more fun to be with someone you can really be friends with but part of college is learning to mix with all types. Part of the freshman experience is learning to work this out. Secondly, the idea of “not relating” simply based on some fact about the person, without there necessarily being problematic EXPERIENCES between the two roomies, seems to reek of intolerance. I think it is more of an issue if something comes up that can’t be worked out in a compatible fashion. But to decide that the roomie is not your type and so you don’t wanna room together based on some label, is not the greatest in my book. That is not what the college experience is meant to be. It is a learning experience. How do you know it won’t work out? It is a huge assumption. I’d rather hear a story of some real PROBLEM going on in the living situation, rather than reject living with someone cause you don’t like WHO they are because they are SO different from you. Where do we draw the line on that one? Everyone calling the housing office because they cannot relate to the type of person they were matched up with right off the bat without ever trying to live together? Or call because of true problematic issues that arose? </p>
<p>This has nothing to do with being liberal minded. It has to do with coexisting with various types of people. Colleges EXPECT that. Many selective colleges purposely create very diverse student bodies so that we can all learn and grow from that experience. </p>
<p>By the way, in the OP’s situation, she did not HAVE to have random roomies. She is a soph. One advantage of not being a freshmen is that you can pick who you want to room with and usually people pick those they can relate to or feel comfortable or compatable to live with. If someone is real worried about being given a gay roomie, a roomie of a different race, a roomie who drinks, etc…it might have been better to have roomed with a kid you had met freshmen year. </p>
<p>I really think it is about being open minded and getting to KNOW your roomie before crying “i’m outta here” without trying to see what living together would be like. You don’t have to be similar to be able to coexist and get along. You just might even learn from the experience. </p>
<p>This situation being discussed is about making snap judgements based on who the person is, not what they are like to live with. In reverse, I suppose if right off the bat, the kid gets a roomie of the same race, similar socio economic class, same religion, same sexual orientation, and so forth, it appears at the outset that they will make fine roomies, right? But…here is the kicker…a really BAD experience can STILL happen…maybe the kid is up all night and disrespectful of the other one sleeping. Maybe the roomie brings home a boy each night and makes you leave the room. Maybe the kid steals stuff. So, this roomie looks good at the outset…the “who” meets the “test”…BUT the experience is not good at all. The lesbian roomie who looks “no good” or “not like me” at the outset, might turn out to be really a good friend, doesn’t party all night (if you don’t either), shares and is kind, respects differences in habits, doesn’t bring dates into the bed when you are there…so in other words, makes a good roomie in terms of the “experience”…no problems arise. </p>
<p>I’d rather have a roomie I had nothing in common with but with whom I could have a compatible rooming situation, than one that has the “right stuff” but who is horrible to live with. That’s just me. I’d also would like a roomie who is accepting and tolerates differences. I might just learn something from someone very different from myself. I might not have chosen them as a roommate but I might get something out of it. I also would not rely on my roomie for a friend (if that person becomes a friend, it is a big plus but not necessary…though my own kid is rooming again with her freshman roomie soph year cause they became very good friends). I would seek out meeting friends so that NEXT year, I could actually pick my roomie. That is the much more common thing for soph, I think…to have formualted friends with kids she has something in common with so that she does not risk the random roomie match up soph year. </p>
<p>I realize my own kid lucked out with a great roomie but by the same token, I don’t recall her going off to school worried with questions like “what if my roomie is gay” or “what if my roomie drinks”, etc. She met the roomie, got to know her and it all worked out. I realize some roomie situations turn out badly and don’t work out. What I can’t fathom is deciding on day one that it is not going to work out cause of “who” that roomie is or what they are. I’d be more understanding if I heard a story of roomie clashes that could not be worked out. That would be more of a cause of concern. </p>
<p>Having things in common with someone or being able to relate to them is important when PICKING FRIENDS. It is not as important in terms of simply getting along in a living arrangement. Roomies do not have to be friends, though it would be nice, but they have to get along. You can’t tell if you are gonna get along with someone until you have TRIED to. </p>
<p>While it is nice to have stuff in common with your roommate, you do not NEED to. You just need to be able to have a workable living situation.</p>
<p>Just for clarification…my D. is not the one with concerns about the gay roommate situation. As a parent I wasn’t sure what to think and looked for thoughts here. </p>
<p>I think someone’s comment that they would rather room with a gay person than somone so intolerant (ie the gal that moved out) hit home. Thanks for that thought. (I am actually not sure if it was the gals choice or as the gal said her parents pulled her out.) </p>
<p>My D. does have concerns however about a roommate drinking. That was a problem one of her friends had last year with not one but two roommates that came in drunk late at night quite freqently. And D. also witnessed some scenes in the halls of the aftermath of other drinking kids…so yeah she has mentioned she hopes her roommate isn’t a big partyier. But thats a different situation altogether.</p>
<p>Why are the people who would not room with a gay person being called “intolerant”. I just don’t get that. Surely everyone is entitled to define their comfort zone, and so long as there is no hatred, or mudslinging involved, its their prerogative.</p>
<p>I have gay friends and gay co-workers and don’t diffrentiate between gay and straight. I enjoy spending time with gay and straight people and their sexual preferences do not occupy me while I am in a restaurant, bar, office, etc. However, in my bedroom, I reserve the right to decide who I feel safe with.</p>
<p>Chocoholic:</p>
<p>There are many reasons why one would not feel safe. No student is going to put on the housing questionnaire that s/he is a kleptomaniac, is a boozer who is likely to vomit on every possible surface, including roommie’s property. More than a roommate’s sexual identity, I would be concerned about the roommate’s sexual behavior.
I had a straight roommate in college. I did not feel safe around her boyfriend who was a real lout. The two of them did not warn me when they came back to our room, ready to “make out,” often when I was already in bed, wanting to go to sleep. And the boyfriend delighted in trying to make me shed my 'prudish" prejudices. It was a rather miserable year.</p>
<p>I understand that there can be many unexpected and unsafe situations. And obviously, having a gay roommie is not nesessarily an unsafe situation.</p>
<p>All I am saying is that people are entitled to make these choices, and have reservations, without anyone calling them intolerant.</p>
<p>If my child was uncomfortable with a gay roommie, I would certainly understand that. No-one here is saying that they would never fraternize with a gay person, or go out to lunch with one, or even have a gay best friend. So where is the intolerance?</p>
<p>And if a student had a situation with a roomie’s b.f., I would hope that she would speak out.</p>
<p>Is there a reason that boys and girls are not assigned to share a dorm room?</p>
<p>Some schools (Wesleyan, I don’t know where else) offer gender-neutral housing, where your gender is not a factor in your housing assignment. I guess the thing that keeps bugging me reading this is the gay roommate. So she’s decided to be open about her sexuality – not that common for someone her age, probably a bit scary. Then her roommates find out and leave the room? Seems like a pretty miserable situation fo rher – especially since there are probably many gay people that are not out and then nobody has a clue anyway and it’s not a factor in housing.</p>