<p>Donna, I’m sorry that you and your son had to deal with that. You both deserve much better than that.</p>
<p>P2n, after all this time, I thought you were a mom!</p>
<p>I met my husband at 16, married at just barely 20 because my parents were elderly and ill and I was afraid to be alone. It took me many years to appreciate what a good man he is. Not perfect. But a good man who does the right thing and loves our children almost as much as I do. I couldn’t ask for more. I’m currently throwing hints for our 25th anniversary 18 months from now.</p>
<p>OT but I want to know how this is the first time I’ve come across a post from cronie who has posted on CC more than 4 billion times! Seriously, though, I am finding it interesting to come to “know” a very different side of many of you whose posts I’ve read for years. Now I can view you as “adult” rather than “parent”.</p>
<p>simplelife and Donna, You reminded me of another crucial factor in my marriage; luck. Life is unpredictable. We’ve made an effort to grow together but there have been times when the future of our marriage was uncertain. </p>
<p>We were lucky to find a great marriage therapist and lucky to have insurance that paid for it. We were lucky to have such a wonderful example in my in-laws marriage. But we would have ended our marriage rather than live unhappily. Life is too short and I’m glad you were both able to end your marriages and get to a better place with your children.</p>
<p>I wasn’t impressed with DH at all when I first met in a grad school class. He wore thick glasses and western shirts, and DIDN’T wear deodorant (his mom told him the aluminmum in it was bad). We started studying together, though, and I loved his sense of humor and how much he loved music. His piano teacher had willed him her Steinway piano, and I was a serious pianist, so I figured I’d better get to know him, lol!</p>
<p>He “cleaned up” pretty well, and we were engaged within three months. We’ve been married almost 23 years, and I love him dearly. We both have our faults, but we’ve learned to work around them! </p>
<p>For us, it was critical that we agreed divorce would NEVER be an option. We’ve gone through rough times, but always worked through them. I agree that counseling before and during marriage is very important! It helped us learn how to fight fairly and understand each other better.</p>
<p>I am so fortunate to have married my best friend. I didn’t “dream” of a specific person when I thought I’d eventually probably get married and start a family, but hoped to meet and marry someone I shared common values with. We have been very happily married now for nearly 23 years. He is a wonderful person to be around and supports me in whatever I have chosen to do, as I support him. We share many values (including family, finances and other things) but are able to discuss and respect those we disagree upon. Our kids have grown up surrounded by love and mutual respect, which is a great foundation for the sound friendships they have built. We are not clones but enjoy doing many activities together and others apart. We nearly always cancel each other’s ballot in elections. <grin> :)</grin></p>
<p>Ha! Thanks, cptofthehouse. You’re very kind. (She and I met at that NY-area CC get-together a while ago.) Actually, sometimes I do think that I look better in some ways now, at 54, than I did 15 years ago. (Now, if I could ever afford to have some “work” done, the sky would be the limit. Joan Rivers, here I come!) Seriously, though, thinking about trying to find someone else at my age (not to mention that I haven’t been on a date since 1986) is part of what I find so utterly depressing about the prospect.</p>
<p>So as I said previously I discovered the key to a Long Term Relationship is that you must have LTR + Love, Trust and Respect. And if asked all three questions you must answer “yes” to all three. Not yes to two and no to one. If you do so you are either unhappy in your marriage or kidding yourself.</p>
<p>My first marriage= I loved my wife madly, thought I trusted her till she took off for three nights never called (had police looking for her) and it turns out she took up with another guy. Had a baby with him yet wanted us to raise the baby…I said" No way" yet still loved her madly… and thus the Trust and Respect was not there. So it ended. She married the “pick up guy”. He beat her and was an alcoholic. Very sad…The baby is now 28 years old. Yet to this day I still think about her and loved the good days we had…yet I am mature enough to know now that we never would have lasted. Oh by the way no kids in my first marriage so it made it easier to end it…</p>
<p>My Brothers divorce= He loved his wife, But the trust and respect was never there…so it ended.</p>
<p>My sister-in- law’s divorce= She never really loved him, nor trusted him, and really did not respect him. Despite the fact that everyone told her before the wedding not to marry. So it ended after 20 years of marriage. A bloody, dysfunctional unnecessary marriage.</p>
<p>As I developed this LTR theory over the years I added one more aspect to it. I call it the quick acid test definition of love…so here goes folks. How much do you really love your spouse? Let’s assume a thief breaks into your house ,bursts into your bedroom and says" I am going to shoot only one of you" you and your spouse are in bed. Would you take the bullet for your spouse? I would take one for my wife without hesitation.</p>
<p>I have noticed than many people are uncomfortable with this question when I have asked it in person so let’s see what the response will be from an anonymous Blog. Many people say without hesitating that for their children they would take a bullet,but not their spouse! So how deep is your love?</p>
<p>As I read this I envisioned it in my mind, and what I saw in my minds eye was me rolling over on top of Bullet to protect him…so yes I would rather die than live without him. However, knowing Bullet I am thinking the thief won’t hit either of us b/c he would be doing the same for me making us a moving target ;)</p>
<p>I have been very fortunate to have Bullet, but just like everybody else we have had hard times. My thing now is when the hard time hits us, I turn to him and say either we can fight with each other or fight together, which do you choose? The fight ends there and then b/c we both know it us against the world.</p>
<p>For 20 yrs now, I have told our children that Daddy comes first(when it comes to what side of the fence I will fall on) b/c they will grow up, move away and marry. I expect them to put their spouse first, that will be their family. Bullet is mine!</p>
<p>BTW here is my test…you’re fighting and just turn and say I love twinkies, do they break out laughing or at least crack a smile, or do they berate you for the comment. If they berate you, than you need to realize they are placing more on being right and winning the arguement than you or your feelings!</p>
<p>No, my spouse is not the person I “dreamed” of. And I’m sure I’m not his dream girl either. But it works. Sometimes reality is better than our dreams.</p>
<p>That was lovely, Pima. There’s no doubt in my mind that Bullet would never let you take a, well, bullet for him. The honest answer to Songman’s question is that what would go through my mind is which of us could raise the Baby Lamb better alone. That would be me. Which goes to show you where my priorities lay. My kids. First, last, and always. I’m not particularly proud of that and it’s not something that I would choose, but my connection with my kids is absolutely primal and there is not one minute that they aren’t in my thoughts. I love my husband with all my heart and would do anything to protect him. Just not at the expense of my babies.</p>
<p>^I think like Zmom. However my kids are on the cusp of independence. I gave this some thought, and I don’t think I will take a bullet for anyone but the children. They have their life to live out. </p>
<p>I love the husband as much as I love myself, but not more. So I may or may not take a bullet for him, depending on my mood. However, I am committed to wiping his butt and all the hardships of a long decline if the need arises. I am 95% sure he will do the same for me. I don’t know if that is love enough for songman.</p>
<p>We’ll hit 29 years this summer. I don’t think I dreamed about marriage too much, so I can’t say if she fit those exactly, but I can say I’m awfully glad she married me. She made me a passable person, if not a good one. And she makes me laugh, too. And she even smiles when I tell people our marriage is like heaven - it seems like eternity.</p>
<p>The early comment about the old shoe wearing easily is true, I think, but in my case, I think my wife would prefer it gets polished a bit more often!</p>
<p>Zooser and munchkin, I get what you are saying, however, you are not going to your gutterall reaction. Even when our kids were little (pre-school) I always knew/belived Bullet he would honor my desires (He just retired from the military, thus single parenting in the G Forbid theory was always on our mind). I knew if I physically left this world, I would still live…Bullet knows that too.</p>
<p>Here’s a little story (true story)
</p>
<p>The unknown story is Ida told the maid to make sure their son survived. Isidor was the owner of MACY’s, the boat was the TITANIC!</p>
<p>I’ve always liked that story about the Strauses. Very romantic and touching, really. An elderly couple deciding to die, as they lived, together.</p>