<p>I am with zoosermom here.</p>
<p>Person I always dreamed of? Nope…better. </p>
<p>Believe me, it was total luck, because I was a serial bad chooser…I have thought alot about this over the years and I think the secret is one word: Kindness. My husband is a very kind person and I try very hard to be equally so. He would tell you that I am the kinder of the 2 of us, and that he tries to be equally so as well.</p>
<p>I also believe I was lucky because he is highly trainable and I am a good teacher.</p>
<p>My advice? The chemistry thing is certainly important, but the secret is kindness for the long run.</p>
<p>Best of luck,
Harvardmum (with husband 20 years now!)</p>
<p>My old man (I don’t really call him that, I just think it’s a funny term as we are not legally married though together 9 years) would take a bullet for me and I would expect him to (does that sound bad?) It’s because of the parenting thing.</p>
<p>We have a special needs child who is on her way to thriving and two other gifted children who have survived the fallout from my 15 year relationship and first marriage to their father (a bipolar break by him, adultery, domestic violence, ensuing poverty, abandonment by their father).</p>
<p>All of the kids’ progress would come to a screeching halt and he and I both know he would not be able to sustain the progress they are making. He would be taking the bullet for our whole family. Me as partner, but also mother of the children he has loved and helped raise.</p>
<p>As to the marriage thing, I’m a bad person to ask about that. As I already had 3 very young children coming into this relationship, I was probably looking for a different kind of man than I would have been had it just been me starting all over again. Suffice it to say, it is my being gun-shy from my first marriage that has not allowed me to take the legal plunge again. We are waiting for the kids to get out of the house to see what the future definitively holds for us. Our vision will be clearer then.</p>
<p>OP, keep in mind this is a very self selective thread. People who have crap relationships don’t exactly want to advertise it. I don’t have a crap one, just a real one and I happen to be a very open person. I don’t dream much more about the ideal, just the reality of what I need to do every day to get these kids raised right with a sweet and generous man who has stepped in to raise another man’s kids when he didn’t have to.</p>
<p>This is a topic I think about quite a bit, given my lack of success in such matters. Yes, kindness is essential, and when you didn’t grow up with unkindness, is hard to acknowledge when mean and angry behavior becomes part of your daily life. I also appreciate the research in the headlines the last few days, saying that success in marriage can be predicted based on intensity of smile in HS yearbooks. Look for those that smile and have a happy disposition in any search for a partner!</p>
<p>DonnaL, I feel for you, as my story has similar twists. I was left with 3 kids, and have been single for many years. But not without love, and can really say I’ve had a better time in the dating world post divorce than in my earlier years. The secret, no surprise, is internet dating. As I’m not gorgeous by any means, I like communicating by email as a way to get to know people. The inner person is what a relationship comes down to in the end, and I like keeping looks out of the equation as you get to know someone. Yes, there are rules on keeping these experiences safe, and sometimes it can be hard on the heart as rejection can be involved. But I’ve found some wonderful men, and my faith in human nature was restored post divorce. Currently I’m in a long term relationship, that someday will evolve into something more live in. Neither of us want to live in a blended family at this point.</p>
<p>My story is on the old thread, so I won’t repeat it. But, no, H is not my “dream man.”
He has a lot of talents. He has a lot of faults, too. So do I. As for the “bullet test,” the quote, “I’m right behind you. . .using you as a shield” is more like H. Which reminds me. . .</p>
<p>Once H received a death threat from an unstable colleague. We lived in an isolated area where no one ever came to our door. At 11pm one evening, shortly after the threat, H was sound asleep and I was at the other end of the house when someone started knocking on the door. I turned off the light and held my breath. The knocking continued and turned to pounding. After sitting paralyzed by fear for a minute or two, I actually dashed by the door on the way to get H. My thinking was, "It’s H, not me, that he wants to kill. Besides, H has more life insurance than I do. Besides, the kids can’t live without ME. . ."The knocking continued as I woke up H and he asked me why I didn’t just answer the door myself. . .I said, "You’re the MAN. What did I get married for? The pounding went on as H and I debated the merits of his death vs my death vs waiting for knocking to stop, which it didn’t seem to be doing. Finally we both went to the door. . .me dragging a very unwilling H along.</p>
<p>It was a teenage couple who were “down at the lake” (making out?) ran out of gas, wanted to use a phone (before cell phones). Ours was the only house in sight–and they had seen a light on. . . (And that was the only time anyone ever came to our door after dark). Boy, were we all relieved to see each other!</p>
<p>Our oldest S asked me recently, “How much tolerance does it take to stay married to someone?” Interesting question. (Hopefully observations of his parents’ intolerable natures didn’t inspire it. . .) I said, “an infinite amount.” You really have to be willing to commit to tolerating a lot, and forgiving just about anything.</p>
<p>I’m not married and don’t expect to be for a while, but I’m the one who started the [original</a> thread](<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/427081-how-did-you-know-your-spouse-one.html"]original”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/427081-how-did-you-know-your-spouse-one.html), and our first impressions haven’t been proven wrong so far (in case anybody was wondering). We took a short break earlier this year, thinking we’d committed too early and needed to spend time apart; it lasted just over a month before we reconsidered. </p>
<p>We met two years ago this Saturday (at our college’s admitted students’ weekend) and have been dating since September, 2007.</p>
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<p>Nope. I’d use him as a human shield so I could get past the gunman and save the kids!</p>
<p>I would take a bullet for either of my kids or hubby, but don’t believe hubby would let me. We would probably be like the couple who went down in the lifeboat together, but then we would feel that was selfish, since we would want one of us to stick around to help the kids. Hopefully we will never have to make this choice.</p>
<p>He says he would never marry again if anything happened to me. I would always cherish his memory and no one would replace him, but may well enter another long-term committed relationship (since I have been in one or another since I was 16). We have had a great marriage and wonderful kids–we both want to stick around because we can’t imagine not being there for one another or the kids.</p>
<p>I’m “married” to the man of my dreams. We’ve been together for almost 8 years and it’s been a wild ride ever since. </p>
<p>I was 20 and he was 21 when we first met and it was an awkward beginning to say the least. Our father’s were playing golf together and somehow during their conversation both of our names got brought up. Next thing you know, my dad comes home to tell me I have a date with his friend’s son on Saturday. Haha. Lots of arguing ensued but I agreed to go in the end. It was a decision I’m so glad I made. </p>
<p>That night we immediately hit it off. The whole night was filled with laughter and fun. I even got my “teen movie” moment when he dropped me off, walked me to the front door, and gave me a little kiss. A few dates later we were officially boyfriends. A few years later while on vacation in Cannes he got on one knee and asked me to be his forever.</p>
<p>Because we are a gay couple, we couldn’t get “married” in the legal sense but we still had a beautiful commitment ceremony on the French Riviera and got to celebrate our moment with 125 of our closest friends and family. Both of our best men gave us speeches that had us, and the whole room, in tears. Our father’s, in their comedic best, both gave inspirational and humorous speeches that made us all laugh. They even joked about how they were at the bar last night flipping a coin to see who was going to walk their son (aka, the bride) down the aisle. Haha. The ceremony didn’t go quite that way but I couldn‘t be happier with the way that weekend turned out. </p>
<p>We bought our first house together in 2007 and we both are enjoying every moment that life brings us. A life filled with happiness, romance, laughter, fun, and love.</p>
<p>Now if we can just stop fighting about who is going to choose where to eat lunch.</p>
<p>25 years. </p>
<p>Key: Separate TV rooms</p>
<p>I had the same reaction to the bullet question as Zoosermom. I think my kids need me more than they need him. It doesn’t mean they don’t need him but if only one of us could be around, I’d choose me for the kids. I also agree with the poster who said this thread has a skewed response. People who are in marriages that are not what they hoped for are probably unlikely to say so in a public forum that is uncontrolled in terms of where it might end up.</p>
<p>Scott,
Your fathers would truly take the bullets for you and “spouse”. What a lovely story.</p>
<p>I agree bookworm…heck I’ll take a bullet for Scott and his partner :D</p>
<p>A gay woman checking in here. My first partner (of 9 yrs) died when my twins were 3- they
were conceived during that relationship through an fertility service. My second partner
joined our family 10 yrs ago. I love my dear partner to death but I have to say falling in love when you’re a certain age, traumatized by widowhood, dealing with blended family
issues- it’s not as “starry-eyed”. But, I have to admit, I am a good “picker”, and
she has proved to be the person I need and want, and I am looking forward to many years together.</p>
<p>so some bullet takers and some would flee the scene- shall we take it up a notch? silly I know but would anyone sell their spouse/partner if allowed for $1 million dollars? I am not sure I would… I have seen the lives of many of my divorced friends and single friends so I am not sure I could ever replace my wife in my lifetime. I am very lucky in that way.</p>
<p>Warm-fuzzies at Scott and his partner. =)</p>
<p>Would I sell my husband for a million dollars? Nope. When playing the “what would you do with a million dollars” game, most of what either of us would do involves paying off our debt, buying a lovely house with a lovely view, plunking half of it in money market accounts to pay for our kids’ education, and, if there’s anything left, dropping down to part-time to spend more time with each other and with our family, and traveling a lot. It’d be just flat-out lonely if he weren’t around to spend the money with me! If I sold him to get our million, it’d be very Gift-of-the-Magi.</p>
<p>(I <em>would</em> get a Steinway concert grand, though…)</p>
<p>My hubby is actually worth more than a million from a purely financial point of view – he is the reason we have great healthcare (they can’t cancel me & him for the rest of our lives), he’s always there for us, and the pension we get while he’s alive is MUCH larger than I’ll get when he’s gone. We have the material things we want and need–a house in a neighborhood we both love, close family, kids at Us they’re thriving at, enough money to travel when we want to, more assets than debts, and little enough that people generally do not covet things we have. </p>
<p>From any other perspective, why would I want to sell my best friend & soulmate for any price?</p>
<p>Scott and cornmuffin have me in tears. Thank you for sharing your stories.</p>
<p>Hmmm…If I sell him for a million dollars, and then buy him back for $990,000 (depreciation), we could afford to take a really nice vacation together.</p>
<p>If you sell your spouse for $1 million, how would you determine the “basis” for purposes of calculating the capital gains tax you would have to pay? That might factor into some people’s decision, after all. (And don’t forget to add subsequent capital improvements to the original basis, whatever that might be.)</p>