Getting Asperger's Son Ready

Parents Forum
1

Some will think I am premature in posting this as my son is a rising 9th grader but I think this is a multi-year plan. He was bullied in middle school by a couple of kids and currently, has no real friends. I hope this changes in high school; he will be attending a magnet program with rigorous academics.

Since he has had very few friends over his school years, there has never been an opportunity for a sleepover or even many playdates for a while. Our folks are gone so the transition that grandparents can provide to sleep away from home has never been there…they were fairly elderly when our kids were born.

Like many kids on the spectrum, he also has ADHD and is not a great sleeper. When he can’t fall asleep, even after taking melatonin, he gets very anxious. So sleeping away from home would be tough. I can’t see sending him to even a one week overnight camp as it would probably be a disaster and we don’t have camps for spectrum kids in our area.

I don’t think making the transition to college in 4 years would be realistic without being away from home first. These types of kids often flunk out even if they are strong academically. Does anyone have any suggestions about how to start developing some independence now and over the next 4 years?

2

The 16 year old across the street from me has Asperger’s. His mom and I are good friends. So, in the absence of someone with better experience, I’ll chime in.

For starters, from the time he was pretty young, John attended a special needs summer camp. It gave him the opportunity to shine on his own level, and he made some friends there.

John is a big kid! He’s played football on a local level for a number of years, and was on the school’s JV team last year. (They’re moving out of state in a few days, so he didn’t try out for this year.) Are there any teams-- bowling, whatever, that he could be part of in high school?

Would you consider contacting his new high school guidance counselor to ask for suggestions? He’s not the first kid with Asperger’s to come along. Ask for coping strategies, now, before the school year begins. I think this is one of those times when you’ll want to be proactive. It’s not even about college at this point, it’s about having a successful high school experience. Let her know your concerns-- that he make friends, that he not be bullied, that he experience independence this year.

I know that when I’ve known in advance that I was teaching a kid on the spectrum, it wasn’t a big deal to keep an eye out… to arrange seating in a way that helped, to assign groups or projects with that kid in mind, and so on. In cafeteria duty, I always keep an eye out for that kid who seems to be a loner. It’s never a problem to find kids wiling to “adopt” the ids who seem to be struggling to find friends, but a heads up would help ensure it.

As an FYI-- this summer John worked with the dad of one of sister’s friends (got that?) The man manages a building or a complex about 15 minutes away. He picked up John each morning; John either took the train or got a ride back with him in the afternoon. John has come out of his shell so much over the past years!!! When he was young, he wouldn’t make eye contact when we talked. Last year I drove him to the high school (his mom took care of the middle school run for our daughters) and conversations with John were frequently more animated than with my older daughter in the front seat.

I think you’re wise to give this thought now. The best of luck to you and your son.

3

@FlyAwayTime: Hi, and welcome to the CC. I’ve only been here for a brief time myself and already have learned that there are several of us ASD parents present. That’s a good thing as the CC community is mostly full of strong students and high performers, so it reflects well on our kids’ abilities, too.

Your son sounds very similar to my S18 (son, class of '18.) In K-8 my son’s school had some class getaway camps, especially in 7th and 8th grade. I vividly recall fretting about how he’d get by while away from us for these trips. Would he be able to shower in a common stall? Could he get along with others all day and sleep in a common room at night? Would he be able to dress himself, would he find foods he likes? Would he get lost or be shunned? Bullied? Had one of our friends who was chaperoning text us nightly with a report. Turned out fine despite our endless worries. He enjoyed himself!

Sounds like you didn’t have the same opportunities? Perhaps his new HS will have some day trips or weekend camps as a starting point? Maybe they have some community service opportunities? Even if not over night, those can really build confidence and independence. Optional field trips that would simulate these situations? I’d recommend meeting with a guidance counselor and specifically seek information on independence opportunities, and don’t let them just shuffle you over to special needs services. You’re seeking integration, not isolation.

In the end what I’d say is that we found that our worries were mostly misplaced. Even though kids with our sons’ processing issues don’t deal with situations or make friends in the traditional manners, they still seem to thrive or at least adapt when the opportunity presents itself. I suspect the move to a more academically focused school will also provide a more positive setting. I realize that every child/young person is different and each has their own unique skills, needs, and issues, so maybe what works for my son doesn’t for yours. Only you will know what’s right for your son and it seems to me, by the fact that you’re here posting and seeking information, that he’s in good hands. BTW, it’s never too early.

Best to you and yours.

4

@FlyAwayTime , hello and welcome. My S14 is on the spectrum, and I’ve shared many of your concerns. He found Boy Scouts very helpful for giving positive experiences and independence. Though troops are boy-run, parents give guidance from a distance. Contrary to stereotype, women are involved as well as men, though in our troop men provided the majority of the leadership of the boys. I always went along as a parent leader to the week long summer camps, and I was never the only woman. For the shorter camps, I always found a sympathetic leader to keep an eye on him.

My son (now 21) has also found a good group of friends through ■■■■■■■■■■ strategy board game meetups. Perhaps there is a teen version of these meetings for your son, if he likes board games.

Finally, if the community college in your area is a strong one, you might want to consider having your son attend that before transferring to a four year school. I had always turned up my nose at community colleges, figuring my son was so intelligent that these institutions were beneath him. How wrong I was! He started out at a rigorous four year school and lasted only 3 weeks. After returning home, he needed some time and therapy to “reboot”, then entered the local community college where he absolutely shone. The professors and teaching quality were excellent, and classes were much smaller than the general ed classes at larger universities. He joined a club and was invited into the homes of his professors for club meetings. He was known as “the smart one” in his classes, and his phone regularly rang with other students wanting to meet with him for help with their studies, which he gladly did.

He is finally ready to transfer to a 4 year university. We take him in a few weeks. I am nervous but he is SO much more prepared than he was a few years back.

Good luck to you and your son. You sound like a caring parent.

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I have a friend with a son with Aspergers and he’s made great progress in a specialized college program like the one in this article
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/10/28/AR2007102801501_2.html

6

My daughter has non-verbal learning disorder …not the same but similar. I should have never let her go away to school. She needed to go to school close and live at home. If I had a do over, she’d have stayed closer.

7

I really appreciate all of these responses and ideas. We are thinking about getting the Counselor involved, who is new to this HS but not new to HS Counseling in general. Additionally, there is an Autism Specialist within the school district and we will explore that option as well.

My son was not interested in Scouts although that is a good idea for many kids. He has done some day camps where he did not know anyone and I was pleased with that. Embarking on an activity where you know no one is scary, even for adults. But still not a sleepover. So asking the Counselor about shorter term overnights is a good thought.

I am not sure the Community College route would be ideal for him, for one, based on the community where we live, but also because he despises change (like many on the spectrum) and I would be afraid that he would not want to transition. Incidentally, his middle school was a magnet with urban kids from tough circumstances mixed with suburban kids from middle to upper middle class. Guess who the bullies were? The suburban kids from upper middle class.

8

My best friend’s son has aspergers and add. We were both so pleasantly surprised at how he has bloomed in HS. I think the key for my friend is that her son went into marching band. He drums and the band is a (large) group that was pretty tight and it provides him some structure and social support. Your kid may not be into band but maybe he can find a chess club or mathplyics or somewhere where he can find a base group of kids?

9

Dup. Sorry wierd double posting.

10

Dup.

11

Thanks…he did play in band in middle school but was bullied by a kid who played the same instrument. He is going to play piano in high school (which he has for a few years). I don’t know if that group will be as tight knit as the marching band but I hope there might be a friend there.

12

Also check out RIT’s Spectrum Support Program https://www.rit.edu/~w-ssp/

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@FlyAwayTime I could totally believe that the bullies were the upper middle class kids! That was our experience as well. And some of the girls were worse than the boys! We ended up pulling our son out of the excellent, highly regarded public school district, where he was NOT thriving, and putting him in a small Christian school for high school. That was one of the few perfect parenting decisions I have ever made.

He had a lot of support, and there were enough other misfits taking refuge there so that he made some really good friends. He got into theatre and really excelled. He said it was easier to play someone else than to navigate the social rules as himself.

You will see a lot of growth in your son though high school, especially if he feels safe there. One thing that helps is pointing out when other people seem to like and appreciate him. We still have to do this for our son, because he really can’t read people’s social cues enough to tell.

I will say that college has not been an easy adjustment, although he does have a few friends. The problem is that when he was stressed, he retreated into his computer, substituting online interaction for real world interaction, which led to a severe depression at the end of his sophomore year. He got therapy and meds, and was able to go off to a job as a summer camp counselor. Because he has had very little screen time there, I see a marked improvement in his mood, even though he still struggles socially. So the caution I have is that people on the spectrum really need to guard against excessive computer time. We’ll be working with him to set a timer for himself when he returns to school at the end of August.

In your son’s case, is there a sleep away camp he could try? My son went to a Christian camp for just a week every summer, starting in 7th grade, and he always went with friends from church just so that he’d know someone there.

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@FlyAwayTime My daughter’s college struggles were self advocacy, executive function of living ‘oh her own’ and the classes and time management and that lead to an uptick in depression and anxiety and she kind of shut down.

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@toomanyteens, my D with a NVLD really gained skills in HS, and was able to go away and successfully graduate from a rigorous (small) college. I’m dropping her off at grad school for a PhD program this week. Some kids with disabilities gain enough ground in HS to navigate a regular four year college experience. And, of course, some take longer and/or do better living at home during college. Just commenting because it can go either way.

OP, my kid went away to Quiz Bowl camp in HS (one week at a time) and to a wilderness camp where they went on progressively longer canoe trips as the kids got older.

16

@intparent I know it can go either way, but I think it would have been better if she and I had been more prepared for it not to and thought of alternatives ahead of time – by the time we realized, she felt like she failed and never really recovered from that. I also wanted to point out the specific areas where college was different as to challenges than high school.

17

You might want to consider having your son begin to take over medication management and self advocacy, starting with practicing his frosh year. Perhaps he could be in charge of scheduling meetings with his counselor once a month. Those 2 skills can be very important to success in college and lots of practice helps.

18

You have 4 years. Things may change, but you should also be prepared that he will not move away for college.

I have two friends with kids with Asperger’s and other issues. One, a girl, went to a public magnet and the a private school for kids with special needs for middle school, then to the regular old public high school where she was assigned by neighborhood for high school. That was the best for her academically, and they worked with her needs. She graduated 2nd in her class. She had always gone to 8 weeks of camp in the summer. Her medications make her sleepy early, so very little social life after 6 pm. She applied to a number of school and did head 2000 miles away. It was a disaster. She now lives at home, commutes to a local school and does very well.

Another friend’s son attended an expeditionary learning school, so had many school trips and camping trips from K-8. He has celiacs, so could advocate for himself for food and other needs. He tended to hang out with the girls more than the boys as the particular group of boys was pretty wild and they did bully him. He went to a STEM high school and his parents weren’t as thrilled with it as they thought they would be. He too tried college a state away, lasted a few weeks, and returned home. He does not attend school locally and is just starting to work at stores and small businesses.

So even having the overnight experiences doesn’t mean the child can go away for college. Both of these kids were appropriately independent from middle school through high school but couldn’t make the leap to college without a lot of family support immediately available. They are both very bright and accomplished academically. I think you are right to start working on some of those skills, but be prepared that it may not work and your family may have to take a different path to be successful. The girl who goes to school locally is doing very well. She usually has a job in a research lab in the summer, sometimes joins local theater groups, has lunch with friends from her younger days who are also going to this local school (many students do go there from the local high schools). Sleep away college isn’t required for a successful life. Because we live in a city, there are many community colleges, 5 or 6 private colleges, this large metro college, and the state flagship that can all be reached by public transportation from homes all over the city.

I know many kids who still live at home and attend the local schools, most without special needs.

19

My son, about to start junior year, has Asperger’s. He’s been away on summer programs, but it was never successful. So I’ve worried and worried about him going away to college, the homesickness, the anxiety, the lack of independence, the social skills deficiencies. You know the routine.

I have been AMAZED at how much he has grown over the last two years. Besides time and the maturation that everyone goes through over those two years, I think three things have made a huge difference.

  1. While he was in middle school, I had him in a social skills program run by people who studied with Michelle Garcia Winner, who is fantastic at this stuff. For various reasons, he stopped before high school started but I think the things they taught him stayed with him.
  2. He's a very bright kid (if I do say so myself) and wants to go away to a very competitive school. I said for that to happen, he was going to need leadership positions in extracurriculars. That got him motivated to do EC's in a way he never was before and to make a serious effort on the social skills front because you get elected to leadership positions. He has made friends in the robotics club and the computer club. Nerds with meh social skills are very welcoming to other nerds with meh social skills.
  3. Because he wants to go away for college and has no interest in being miserable and homesick, he's been doing mental work (that's all I know, he's playing it very close to the vest) on becoming more independent and it's working.

Will it all work? Will he survive and thrive at college? I hope so. But I’m feeling much more optimistic than I was 2 years ago.

In short, find out what your son wants and get him to work on the skills required to get him there, using any professional help that makes sense. Take the stubbornness and determination that has no doubt made you crazy at times and point it in the right direction.

Obviously, I don’t know your son and don’t have a crystal ball, but it is likely that you will see enormous growth in the next few years. And, of course, there are lots of paths to success, lots of ways to get a good college education and no rule that says he can’t take a few extra years to get to adult independence. But if he wants it, I’ll bet he can achieve it.

You are definitely not starting too early. Getting a kid on the spectrum ready for college takes long term planning.

Good luck!

20

I so appreciate all of these thoughtful responses. I was discussing it with an adult in one of his extracurriculars who has known him since age 7. This person has worked with kids on the spectrum before. He suggested that if my son is not ready and sufficiently independent by the end of 12th grade, to do a gap year.

I had not previously considered that idea and wonder if it has been successful for you or anyone else you know. He suggested in this gap year making him financially responsible for himself, etc. I would actually prefer this option to having him live at home and attend school locally.

My cousin on the spectrum attends RIT, by the way, and is successful. I think he is a more independent and less emotional kid. It is also a bit far for us but I have heard good things.