I just graduated from college a few months ago and am having a little trouble adjusting. I have a job that I love in a city I really like, so there are many opportunities here. I also live with a good friend who is not around much. I spend a lot of time with my SO who lives in the same city, but lately it feels that most of our alone time together isn’t spent productively and is just spent hanging around for the sake of seeing each other.
It feels weird to say but I miss college and its constant socialization. SO and I had our own established friend groups and it was easy to get together with my own friends when they lived so near. Hanging out could mean going to the library and being productive together. On the weekends, it could mean going out to the same bars/restaurants. But lately, outside of seeing SO, I find myself with more alone time than I’d like to have, which makes me miss my friendships from college.
Have any of you or your DS/DD been through something similar? Any advice?
My younger daughter one year out of college has felt the same. She told me she missed her friends from college, her roommate went out to west coast, her good friend went up north and a high school friend was also 200 miles away. She has a BF, but that also means she has less time to make new friendship. She started to visit her friends out of town and inviting them to visit her. She also started to do some volunteer work on weekends - at an dog animal shelter.
I think it is quite normal to feel a bit lost when there is a transition. You may want to consider to spend less time with your SO and go out with other friends. It will give you a chance to widen your circle of friends.
I think that’s a normal transition. Often the college social environment is replaced with a workplace social mileu – instead of hanging out with college friends, employed adults are often spending time hanging out with co-workers --but that depends a lot on work environment and workplace social norms.
Beyond that, you need to be pro-active. If you want to spend time with friends that is more productive, then think of what you want to do - and initiate the activity. Or volunteer for something, such as working at a food bank or a political campaign – or whatever else interests you.
My daughter seems to have preserved relationships from college for a long time–still hanging around with the same group 7 years post-graduation-- but she has also complained to me that she and her husband are always hosting their friends at gatherings at their home, but the friends don’t reciprocate. Despite the complaints, I think that’s just the way it is – the social hub is going to be around the people who are more proactive in arranging events and inviting people. The others aren’t being rude – they just are busy with their own lives. Some may have new jobs that are more demanding or time consuming; some may be more introverted and comfortable with alone time. Plus the saturation of social media just makes it too darn easy to sit at home binging on Netflix while allowing Facebook, Instagram, and text-messaging to substitute for a social life.
I can tell you that there is another big hurdle coming up – as you reach your mid to late 20’s, more and more of your former social circle will marry and start families, not necessarily in that order – and as soon as friends become friends-with-babies, most will become friends who are obsessed with all-things-baby, and turn down social invitations because they can’t (or won’t) find a sitter or simply because they no longer have the energy to stay out past 9 pm. So you need to kind of roll with the changes… and again, stay proactive. (After all, it could be that you and your SO are the ones who start having babies).
If it is any consolation, when you went off to college, your parents probably had similar feelings. My daughter’s high school friends and activities were a big part of my life – I really did miss seeing many of those kids and some of their parents. Yes, I was the “mom” in the picture, but there were plenty of times when I was included in the socializing – and that part of my life just fell away.
If your university has a young alumni group in your city, make sure you participate in the social activities they plan. It will help you make connections with others who share your background. S & DIL have made several good friends in their city, which is far from their university/law school city, but they love to gather to watch a ball game or go to an after work social at a local bar, etc.
I think the twenties can be a tough period for a lot of reasons, one big one being the lifestyle transitions. Leaving student life with less structured time and plenty of friends around can be hard, for sure.
I suggest seeking out some outlets for your free hours outside of work based on your interests. What did you enjoy doing in college? Art, volunteer work, sports, cooking, something else? Find groups and classes that engage in that stuff. Good use of your time and an opportunity to meet new like-minded friends.
This is perfectly natural - another new stage in your life. Some suggestions are taking classes (check out the local adult education schools - they have stuff on cooking, crafts, culture, etc.). Look for a book group or similar events at your local library (yes, even out of college the library is a great place to socialize and most have lots of fun events). Spend some time exploring your city - find new museums, stores, restaurants, etc. See what social events, classes, etc your company sponsors (some have exercise classes, book groups, game nights, etc.) Connect remotely using Hangout or Skype with your distant friends (this takes work - you may have to be the one to plan this). Join a gym, yoga, or exercise class. Catch up on your reading, binge show watching, etc. - stuff you never had time for while in college.
Millennials, of course, have an app for this: https://www.■■■■■■■■■■/about/.
My daughter, who is a bit older but has lived abroad for the past few years, is going through the same thing. I don’t know if it’s all through Meetup, but, in the last month or so, she’s joined a co-ed soccer team, meets weekly with people who want to speak French in a conversational setting, started knitting and goes to an “open knitting” night at a shop occasionally, joined a running group with the goal of running a half-marathon in the spring, joined a monthly book group and is a volunteer tutor one night a week. She has also reached out to old acquaintances and friends of friends. She puts herself out there which, I know, can be hard sometimes: if she wants to try a new restaurant or go to a free concert in the park, she calls around. One thing she’s learned, other transplants feel the same way; neither you nor she is alone in this.