<p>It seems to me that college kids and kids of college age have only two extremes in terms of “relationships”: They are either engaged and characters out of a freakin’ Nora Roberts’ novel or they are all about drunken hook-ups and “friends with benefits.” The only people I know are “f-buddies” or couples who are dumb enough to get engaged before growing and becoming an adult.</p>
<p>It seems to me that my bf and I are the only “normal” couple. We actually did the whole dating thing, we have never had hookups, but we are not so silly to be getting married either. My parents got married at college age (my mom was a senior and my dad was a newly minted grad), and they say that it was WAY too young and it is foolish to get married before you have your experienced your life. And now my cousin, who is 18, is engaged and will marry next year.</p>
<p>So I have a question to all the parents: What do you think about young people getting engaged/married before they are even out of college? Do you think it is a mistake?</p>
<p>Statistically speaking, young marriages are FAR more likely to end up in divorces, and I think it is a BIG mistake to get married/engaged at such a young age.</p>
<p>I think it totally depends on the people. Some are mature enough to handle a deeply committed relationship; most aren’t. I got married right after I graduated while my wife was in grad school. It just wasn’t a big deal. I knew I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life, and I knew waiting another year or two wasn’t going to change that. Now, she’s a doctor and I’m a marginally successful writer, and neither one of us wish we would have waited.</p>
<p>Basically: It completely depends on the emotional, financial, and personal maturity of the people. But at the same time, I think people should wait until they earn a degree and at least get a little bit stable before they tie the knot–no matter how mature they are.</p>
<p>I’m glad you’re making a sweeping generalization with saying that all couples who are engaged in college are “couples who are dumb enough to get engaged before growing and becoming an adult”.</p>
<p>Out of my 5 uncles, 3 of them married their high school/college sweethearts. 2 of them got married later in life. Guess which ones are still together? (The 3 from hs/college). </p>
<p>It highly depends on the couple. As with anything in life. I am engaged in college. My boy and I were together for almost 4 years before we got engaged and we are waiting until I’m out of college until we get married (mostly because for financial aid purposes. Fates forbid that anything happens to my parents and we would get married much more quickly). By the time my parents were together as long as my boy and I have been, they had a 2 and a half year old. They were a few years older than I am now when I popped out and they’ve been married 20 years. </p>
<p>Oh, also since my boy and I have been together: his mom has been engaged twice, married once, divorced, and is now on to engagement number three. His dad was married and divorced twice. </p>
<p>My cousin also got engaged her senior year of high school. Married her senior year of college. 10 years together and they’re still going strong, which is more than I can say for most of the “adult” people I know who have been married recently. They’re both successful adults. She has her MBA and he is working on some other graduate degree.</p>
<p>And there are way more of the in-between relationships than I think you realize.</p>
<p>But I do know that my daughter won’t even consider marrying while in college. She knows that the tuition money from our side of the table dries up IMMEDIATELY at that point.</p>
<p>If she gets married, she and her husband can figure out how to pay for school on their own.</p>
<p>Likely her financial aid would be much more lucrative because her resources would probably be less significant. You might not want to mention that to her, though. ;)</p>
<p>It seems to me that college kids and kids of college age have only two extremes in terms of “relationships”: They are either engaged and characters out of a freakin’ Nora Roberts’ novel or they are all about drunken hook-ups and “friends with benefits.” The only people I know are “f-buddies” or couples who are dumb enough to get engaged before growing and becoming an adult.</p>
<p>That may say more about the people that you know/ your college, than the age.
I met my H when I was 19, we married when I was 23- which was in 1981.
When I was my older D’s age, she was four years old.</p>
<p>I honestly thought I already replied to this…</p>
<p>Getting married in college is a personal decision and needs to be made by each couple themselves.</p>
<p>One thing you might want to consider…if either the bride or groom is getting need based financial aid, you want to check if your married (and therefore independent for FAFSA purposes) status will affect your financial aid award. There is a thread over on the financial aid/scholarship area right now about a couple whereby being married the wife is ineligible for a Pell Grant. Most folks don’t even think to look at the implications of financial aid, but it may be something you want to consider at least checking on if finances are a consideration.</p>
<p>If I were asked to give advice, I’d say wait until you have graduated from undergrad and have some kind of steady income. And a plan. “Mistake” may be too harsh a word because that assumes that it can’t work out. It can, but it’s hard.</p>
<p>H and I married at 19 and 20, neither having graduated from college. H quit school and worked while I finished. Then I taught school while he finished and then went to grad school. It took longer to become established. BUT… while it was difficult, we had a blast.
And we’ll be celebrating our 40th anniversary next year.</p>
<p>I’d still advise my own two to, “do as I say and not as I do.” ;)</p>
<p>Frankly I think it is a mistake for many reasons. I also do not personally know any couple that married before age 25 that are still married (to that person). There was one couple at my LAC back in the day and they didn’t graduate that I know of and I know they didn’t stay married. I know they (couples who married in college) exist and a few have posted here, but the odds are definitely stacked against young marriages. That said, it is a personal decision and one that should be made with a great deal of thought. As I tell our kids there are many more decades to be married than there are decades to not be married if you live a full life. H and I got married after 3 decades of life and if all goes well we’ll be married 5 decades. Plenty of time for both lifestyles.</p>
<p>We will be 23 when we get married, it’s two years away. I’ll have been out of school a year and a half. We got engaged at the end of junior year. I have friends older than me and the idea of them getting married is just scary. But we are ready. There isn’t a doubt in my mind. We’re going to do pre-marital counseling and we are also going to see a financial planner, too, just to triple check that we are on the same page about our plans-- which we have discussed, at length. Kids, where to live, how to save, how much we need to save, how we’ll budget, how housework will get done, expectations about retirement, expectations about marriage in general, expectations about sex, expectations about raising children, if we’re both expected to work, how will we pay for their college, how will socializing change after marriage, pretty much anything you can think of we have discussed. And though we don’t live together yet, we’ve had joint finances for years and have been handling money together with little to no conflict. We make a great team, and though neither of us is perfect (or our relationship, for that matter), it is what we want. Our lives are hard and are going to be hard, but there is nothing more rewarding for us than getting through it together. It makes everything, even the unimaginably bad stuff, good. There is really nothing more I need as long as I have him, but I strive for more because of him at the same time. I feel incredibly blessed to have found him this young. We’ll have been together for almost 5 adult years when we wed, and I think that’s long enough.</p>
<p>That said, I don’t think we’ll be ready to have children immediately after we get married. That is going to have to wait a few years. </p>
<p>From what I have seen, when I tell people our age we’re getting engaged, rather than considering OUR maturity and OUR relationship, they think of themselves and think if there’s no way they could be ready then there’s no way I can, I’ll obviously be divorced within a year. It’s a shame that some people can’t be supportive, but I guess that’s fewer people I have to pay for at the wedding. Not the end of the world.</p>
<p>^^^You sound ready to me, and I wish you luck! </p>
<p>When H and I were married, we were sure that neither one of us wanted children. I changed my mind first and then brought him along. I wasn’t sure he would ever welcome kids, but after a few years, he did. People do change and grow, but if the couple is committed to the relationship, you can grow together. Also, people do not always grow or change at the same rate or in the same direction- so patience and understanding are great things to practice. We were married for 13 years before we had our first child.</p>
<p>You mean you have friends/family who won’t attend your wedding because they don’t support it? That’s a shame, and their loss.</p>
<p>(DH turned out to be the best dad ever. If there is such a thing as " the favorite" parent, he’s it for my kids. )</p>
<p>I would disagree with Momof3boys–most of my friends who got married before 25 are still married (so 35 years and counting). We did have one shocker this year (after 35 years), but we’re all hoping that’s an aberration.
So Emaheevul, best wishes.</p>
<p>OP, you are just too full of yourself. I have read few of your posts and threads. Everything you do is perfect, and everyone else is too dumb. You have told girls your age that it is their fault if they got raped because you would never put yourself in that situation, which includes inviting their boyfriends to their rooms. Now you are living with your BF. On this thread, once again you are judging other people based on your limited experience. I am very happy that you think the way you are living is perfect. I don’t know if my daughters will get married right out of college, or if they’ve had random hookups. But one thing I do know is that they are responsible, and whatever they do will be right for them.</p>
<p>The key work is most. Most of Gen Y is nowhere near as mature as their Baby Boomer parents. Back then, getting married at a young age was ok. People were more mature and divorce rates were lower.</p>
<p>I did have a friend who became engaged at 16, a month after dating. They are still together, but the boyfriend got kicked out of college and she is on academic probation, and part of it to blame was the spent so much time together and stuff. She also had this stuck up attitude that because she was engaged that somehow her relationship was by far more superior to my relationship. </p>
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<p>Statistically speaking, it is by FAR better to wait. Young marriages typically don’t work out. I have seen this across the board, and even my parents stated that they should have waited until there were out of school, continued grad school, and have done more with their life.</p>
<p>Princess - would you like to go back and re-read some of your posts? What you are asking here is very valid, but there is no need in making sweeping general statements about how other people live. Just because other people do not live the way you or make similar choices as you do, it doesn’t make them dumb or make you normal. You also seem to know the answer already, so why do you ask?</p>
<p>I agree. This topic came up with my bf, and he asked me when I would accept a marriage proposal (he wants to marry me). After seeing so many breakups/divorces, I actually would be happy to NEVER get married, but at the time, I told him that not until I was out of school and over the age of 25, a number that seems intriguing nontheless.</p>
<p>Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and how can you be 100% commited to one another when you haven’t found yourself?</p>
<p>How can you say that someone at 19 hasn’t found themselves? I know people my age who are very much sure of who they are, and I know people in their 50s at a complete loss to their identity. </p>
<p>Tell me, what is the magical age when people “find themselves”?</p>