<p>If you don’t want to adhere to the topic, then do not start respond with a very antagonistic, spiteful response. As a parent, you should know better, and as an 18 year old, I shouldn’t have to tell you this.</p>
<p>You say that I look down at others and consider my lifestyle “perfect” and that all others are inferior. BS. I’m not gay, but I support gay marriage. I’m not Muslim, yet I believe in acceptance of other religions. I don’t believe in waiting until marriage, but I don’t knock down others for it. I will never get an abortion, but I don’t knock down women who get them.</p>
<p>I stated my opinion, and I wanted to hear from others about my observation.</p>
<p>I think that is a valid point. I mean, I guess there are some people who are putting off marriage/engagement until after college, but in my circles, it is either “hook up” or “Jack and Rose (from Titanic)”, and that has gotten me feeling a little ABNORMAL about my current relationship status, where there has been a long (continuous) courtship and vacations, etc. It seems as though everyone is in a rush, and that is something I am not fully comprehending. </p>
<p>My logic is, “You have your WHOLE life ahead of you to get married, why do it ASAP?”</p>
<p>^No that is still very much on the topic. Just because you don’t want to answer a question doesn’t make it off topic.</p>
<p>You said that people are stupid because they get engaged/married in college because they haven’t found themselves. Therefore, it is a VERY legitimate question to ask- what IS that magical age?</p>
<p>Most of Gen Y is nowhere near as mature as their Baby Boomer parents. Back then, getting married at a young age was ok.</p>
<p>I disagree with this.
I moved in with my eventual H, when I was 20. I had been out of state once- to Disneyland with my family when I was thirteen. The rest of my life had been spent in my quiet suburban community.
Contrast that with my two kids- when oldest was 20, she had attended school in a very urban part of the city- taken a gap year to volunteer with inner city youth and traveled to Chicago, Costa Rica & through the Canyonlands on school trips or with her volunteer organization.
My younger D, who is barely 20, had attended an inner city public high school, volunteered in Ghana while a senior and volunteered in India for three months- concluding with a month of travel by herself.</p>
<p>They both have been volunteering since they were 12/14.</p>
<p>Just the breadth and depth of their experiences, which are not uncommon in the current generation , give them a greater perspective than I had.</p>
<p>Well, one reason I would like to get married in my early to mid twenties should it work out that way, which it coincidentally did, was because I would like to have a few years of marriage just to ourselves before we have children, I want multiple children, and I am reluctant to still be having kids too far into my 30’s. If I were to wait until I am 25 just to get engaged just for the sake of waiting that jeopardizes that arrangement. If I were not ready until I happened to be 25 then so be it, but I don’t feel that’s the case.</p>
<p>I guess you are right in the sense that my comment can’t be applied to every Gen Y. From my observation, however, it seems as though my generation is a lot more coddled. Many my age haven’t even had a job and rely on their parents to pay for everything. Back in my parents’ day, kids were working as young as 10. My mom worked a paper route as a preteen, worked in the tobacco fields at 14, and she was working fast food in her late teens. She worked long hours and paid for nearly all of her college.</p>
<p>Here on CC, I see a great contrast. Baby Boomers are willing to pay for all their kids’ college, many kids have never worked a day in their lives, and there is a lack of maturity and a sense of entitlement. As for myself, I admit that I have had it easier than most, but even I have worked since 17 and I plan on contributing as much as I can to my college education.</p>
<p>To take it a step further, we can compare Gen Y to the Silver Birds or the pre-WWI generation, where kids were working hard and became independent at a much younger age. College has become the “half way” house, an extension of high school in many ways, and many Gen Yers in their mid/late 20s are living with their parents.</p>
<p>Are a few ready for marriage/engagement at 18? Sure. But most? Not really. I see more hook ups and nasty break ups than I see committment. I hate to say this, my generation doesn’t deserve nowhere near as much respect as my parents’ and grandparents.</p>
<p>^ Maybe it’s because our generation doesn’t know how to properly address challenges. Instead, they would rather run away or pretend like they don’t exist. They also backed up what they said, rather than running away from it. They also knew how to properly speak…</p>
<p>Most people are not concerned with statistics that may not even be relevant to them.</p>
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<p>Haven’t “found yourself?” You are what you create yourself to be, not some internal nature that blooms and unfolds after being discovered at a certain age. What a bunch of baloney, as my mother would say (well, she might use a different word).</p>
<p>There is no such thing as “finding yourself.” There is only finding what you want. You seem convinced that you do not want marriage, so I don’t see why the opposite desire is so unthinkable to you.</p>
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<p>Why get married at all when you can do it later? What a stupid justification. Why do ANYHTING when you have your “whole life” ahead of you?</p>
<p>Because it brings you greater happiness, and you want to share in that happiness with someone else for as long as possible.</p>
<p>*Because it brings you greater happiness, and you want to share in that happiness with someone else for as long as possible. *</p>
<p>But.
Someone else cannot make you happy- some may feel that another does make them happy- or that could be * lust* which is a pretty strong emotion, especially in your 20’s.
If you have been celibate, it could be confusing to consider your love interest when knowing that the relationship will only be consummated when married or serious.
Pretty strong motivation to finalize it- RNA is pretty one track minded.
;)</p>
<p>You aren’t the same person from when you are a teen in college to when you are an adult living out in the real world. Most people change, and sometimes good things come to those who wait.</p>
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<p>In your mind, yes. But I do believe that there is such a thing as finding yourself, discovering who you are and the person you are meant to become. I am not the same person from last year as I am after one year of college as well as thousands of other students. Imagine seven/eight years from now when your brain is fully matured and you live some.</p>
<p>I am playing devil’s advocate here, but I do agree with most of “devil advocacy” I am putting forth.</p>
<p>Most adults I know are not the adults I knew ten years ago, and will not be the same adults I will know in ten years. That is just as much my perception of them as their changing. “Change” is an insufficient reason to hold off on something because change occurs from birth until death – whether people want it or not. This is not to say that people change in major ways.</p>
<p>Furthermore, this deals nothing with your original claim of “finding yourself” – something that in this last post you have not even reiterated.</p>
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<p>Then that is why we have different outlooks here. So I guess that we have inadvertently found the answer to your original question – your beliefs on personal nature are very different from, say, my outlook on personal nature (although I do believe in “vocation” in a very specific sense). Perhaps your friends’ views on person development or “finding themselves” is different from yours, hence the discrepancy in acceptability of college students getting engaged.</p>
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<p>I don’t believe that people stop changing. So I will always be living more in the future, and I will always be changing. A quest to “find yourself” is a fruitless one unless you believe in destiny or some related concept. You are what you decide, or so I believe. Again, this may be the basis for our differences.</p>
<p>Furthermore, it is somewhat arrogant to claim that no one who is a college student is capable of changing due to the marriage in a way that will strengthen it.</p>
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<p>Then it’s hardly devil’s advocacy.</p>
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<p>I’m sorry; that post was somewhat from the perspective of a hypothetical fiance, but I actually agree with that sentiment. It could be lust, I agree. But it could also be that the care of love of the other person does help them. I could launch into a discussion of the theological implications of marriage, and how the “others bringing you happiness” has such a basis, but it suffices to say that people genuinely believe that, and whether the other person brings them happiness or they simply bring themselves happiness with the other person acting as catalyst is not necessarily relevant.</p>
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<p>Only if that’s a consideration, which it is not for everyone.</p>
<p>Although people continue to change throughout life, the pace of change seems to slow down as people grow older, except when the individual has to adapt to a major life event.</p>
<p>The degree of change between the ages of 2 and 4, for example, is greater than the degree of change between the ages of 14 and 16, and usually much greater than the degree of change between the ages of 34 and 36 – unless a major life event (such as having a baby or undergoing a major medical crisis) occurs between 34 and 36, in which case the change during that 2-year period can be very great, indeed.</p>
<p>How this affects marriage depends on the individuals involved. If two people get married very young and then change in different ways, it may lead to a breakup of the marriage if they find that they are no longer compatible. But on the other hand, even if you wait until you’re in your 30s to marry, if you then become parents, you’re going to undergo major life changes anyway and face the same risk.</p>
<p>“I actually would be happy to NEVER get married, but at the time, I told him that not until I was out of school and over the age of 25, a number that seems intriguing nontheless.”</p>
<p>If you are in a mature relationship it’s not a good idea to give him some ‘intriguing’ number (ie age) simply to answer. You would be honest and say “Wow! I am so far from that place in my life personally that to bring it up now I’d say I actually would be happy to NEVER get married. I may feel differently after I graduate college and have time to establish my career, but I can’t even think that far ahead!”. That is an honest, mature answer. That does not mean you are against a committed relationship, it simply let’s him know where you stand on marriage right now. As I remember from your previous posts, your bf really wants to plan out a future and is a couple years older than you. Don’t give him dates, ages, ect. that you will be ready when you know yourself you have no idea where you will be and what road your life will take.</p>
<p>I think getting engaged & married in college is a personal decision. There is no ‘right’ answer. I think your understanding that you have many things to do in life and feel that an engagement this young would ‘box you in’ is an admirable in that it is right for you. I do hope you are honest with your bf and don’t just tell him things that postpone the subject. The pressure of someone who is ready for the next step can be overwhelming if they do not respect their partners clear statements that they are not. Make sure you are making your message loud and clear!</p>
<p>I tend to agree, but the “seem” is important. The problem is that the “major life event” can lead to an immense change. A significant career change that alters lifestyle. Losing/converting to a religion. A change in viewpoint on children. etc. The major life events don’t necessarily need to be traumatic ones. But your are right, change never stops but tends to slow down.</p>
<p>On the other hand, this doesn’t change the fact that the change can occur within the marriage in a way that strengthens it.</p>
<p>Married my high school sweetheart right out of college. We’ve been married ever since.</p>
<p>I would say the greatest period of change for both of us has occured in our early 40’s, and we have been fortunate and able to grow together and change. but we are not the same people we were at 14 or 24 or 34…may you be fortunate enough to find somebody capable of growing and changing, regardless of WHEN/iF you get married. You really never know when that change will hit.</p>
<p>Either way, I hope when you are 25 you find he is still even interested in you, if you are still interested in him. ;)</p>
<p>We were engaged in college and married when I was 19 and he was 22. We’re coming up on 22 years of a lot more happily married than not.</p>
<p>One of the strongest bonds we had when we met was having been the children of younger parents and wanting to do that ourselves. We’re now 40 and 44 and our only child is starting college this fall. It’s not unrealistic to think we could someday be healthy and fit when our grandchild/ren graduate from high schol. I loved having all of my grandparents active and in my life for so long. My only living grandparent, my beloved grandmother, has physically slowed way down but is as mentally fit as ever. It’s been a total joy to see her and my son’s relationship over the years.</p>
<p>We just didn’t want to wait to be married and have children. Believe me, we were out of step for our time but so what? We took chance, as does everyone who embarks on a long-term relationship, and ours worked out.</p>
<p>Also, the idea that at some age people find themselves and then they remain more or less that person is just not what I have witnessed in the healthiest, happiest people I’ve known. Adults go through growth spurts as well and a couple who were in-step for their first tens years of marriage in their 30s may find themselves quite out of sync in their 40s.</p>
<p>Although age is certianly a factor in marriage, far more important, in my opinion, is if the two people involved are up for the work of marriage. Are they ready to make and truly embrace compromises? Because there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to live ones own life. There is a lot of freedom in being single. Some of us just do better in pairs or families. I think a very destructive myth is that we should all want that; what we should do is listen to that inner voice and make the decisions that we can live our best lives by.</p>
<p>As someone said earlier the younger you are, the more dramatic the change. Sure you know adults who have changed, but can you honestly say that the changes between teenage and early adult years are the same as the changes between 30 and 40? I honestly can’t say for sure, but perhaps you could.</p>
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<p>That is a very good point…I agree. But I think one could also point out that those who are getting engaged/married don’t think of college as a useful tool in “finding yourself” or for personal development, and therefore may not take advantage of their college’s resources to the fullest and even miss out, but that’s jmho.</p>
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<p>I agree to some of this. People never stop changing, but the degree of changing is so drastic.</p>
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<p>But not every college student is 18-22. You have older college students, some who are even retired and are just going for joy of learning. This post is more directed at those who are really young and haven’t been an adult for very long. </p>
<p>This post also wasn’t directed at the Baby Boomers who got married in college but rather their opinions of their children getting married/engaged before they graduate. Those in the thread who got married twenty something years ago were probably more mature and ready for marriage than the kids of today.</p>
<p>As stated, my parents got married 21/22 and my mom repeatedly tells me and my partner to wait, travel, accomplish everything and then go for marriage. My mom regrets getting married so young and tells me she wishes she had done other things, and I was wondering what other parents have to say about this topic as well.</p>