Getting offspring to fulfill their potential

Parent Cafe
1

<p>It’s the story of the Grasshopper and the Ant, with my daughter playing the role of Grasshopper and I am the fretful mother who is an Ant…</p>

<p>My daughter is a high school sophmore.</p>

<p>She had a B average her freshman year. First semester of sophmore year, she was up around 3.4. Third quarter grades were back to B.</p>

<p>Her courseload is the standard English, Biology, Algebra II, History, foreign language.</p>

<p>She has a significant extracurricular activity that she has pursued since elementary school.</p>

<p>This is a kid who bristles at any questions about school, and who seldom offers any information about her classes.</p>

<p>She spends the minimum time necessary to get her homework done.</p>

<p>We feel that she could do better if she focused more and spent more time on her schoolwork.</p>

<p>My philosophy to date has been for her to make her own way, expecting she would focus more as she matures and the reality of needing to get into college sets in.</p>

<p>Now, time is growing short, and we are wondering if we should take action, for example, tie getting her driver’s license (which she is dying to do) with making more of an effort at school.</p>

<p>What do you think?</p>

<p>Leave well enough alone?</p>

<p>Or take some kind of significant corrective action?</p>

<p>The high school encourages parents to take a hands off approach, BTW.</p>

2

<p>If she is actually being irresponsible about her school work – skipping assignments, cutting classes, etc. – then it would be reasonable to tie her driving privileges to better performance. But if she is just uninterested in schoolwork and does the minimum necessary to get a B, I don’t think there’s much you can do. Encourage her to reach her potential in areas that do interest her.</p>

3

<p>Very interesting question. I can’t wait to see the responses.</p>

<p>When I was seeking ideas and or advices for pushing my D for a better academic performance, I was given mostly negative responses, including some name callings. There were even some examples such as girl commited suicide in front a train given to show that pushing your kids is a bad idea. </p>

<p>I will not tie anything to her effort at school. I would explain how better grades could benefit her in her entire lifetime from here on. Then I would set up some expectations that you think are realistic for her capability.</p>

<p>B average with a standard class load would reduce her chances of getting into many better universities.</p>

4

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<p>This is not uncommon among bright kids. The motivation to excel is just not there. Sometimes it is a lack of maturity, or just a laid-back attitude. Is she spending minimal time on H.W. because of the significant EC she has? Or just so she can watch T.V. Are there subjects that she loves, and spends more time on, or is a general feeling of “this is good enough” in all of her efforts.</p>

<p>If I felt like my bright kid was ‘getting by’ and that she could do much better with a little more effort, I would not hesitate to have a serious talk with her. Work ethic is very important to establish in all aspects of life, whether in academics, or ECs. You take this wherever you go, and it always helps you prioritize. </p>

<p>While I have never rewarded good grades with gifts, I have taken away priveleges for breaking rules. I don’t know that I would tie the drivers license to better grades, but maybe get the license and then tie in use of the car to more effort in schoolwork. As sophomores, both of my older kids spent at least 3 hours on a slow day on H.W. They had no time for T.V or hanging out with friends on school days. How little time is your D spending? Does she not have independent reading assignments?</p>

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<p>Frankly, I don’t think that you have much to worry about. Her grades are good even though they could be better. My advice would be to encourage her to continue in her EC, and to help her connect that EC with a career path. As long as she does well in her EC and gets the grades necessary for career paths associated with it, she should be fine. If she needs to raise her grades to achieve the career related to the EC she enjoys, she’ll also be self motivated to do so.</p>

<p>Meanwhile, her grades are high enough to get her into most colleges in the country, including some that would give her merit aid. Whatever career path she decides on, she should be able to get the higher education to achieve it.</p>

6

<p>I like your analogy to the grasshopper and the ant. Sometimes, the reason a student is less engaged in their schoolwork may lay not with the student, but with the school. Ants usually do well in school, grasshoppers often flounder since they learn better by doing (and by their mistakes) and it seems that many schools, even good schools, just do not do very well teaching grasshoppers. </p>

<p>Also, not every student needs to be an A student in school to be successful or to reach their potential. For many, school is just a means to an end. I would agree that the best thing your D can do to reach her potential is to be given opportunities to discover her passions (and these may not be academic nor should they necessarily be). As long as she is actively engaged in activities that really interest her and she is not completely neglecting her studies, then you really do not need to worry; if the ECs begin to interfere with her studies then you might want to rethink how much time she is spending on some of them. </p>

<p>There are many excellent college choices for strong B students, even grasshoppers!</p>

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<p>Please don’t misconstrue this question, but is it possible that she really is working at her ability level? Some kids have to fall in the middle of the pool, yet may have many other gifts that are not academically oriented. Pushing her to excel beyond what she’s capable of doing seems unreasonable. If her standardized test scores or grades from elementary and middle school lead you to think she’s underachieving, then that’s a different story. But if her high school performance is in line with her previous achievements, then I’d just support her and encourage her to find a good fit for college.</p>

8

<p>Beware of how you handle this. My D is very bright and I always just expected As because I knew she was so capable. It was not until her junior year I found out she believed I thought she was not capable of acheiving what she thought she could acheive. I was pushy (yes I admit it) because I truly believe she can acheive whatever she sets her mind to. To her it came across as nothing she could do was good enough. We communicate better now but I could kick myself for making her feel that way - wish there were do overs in this parenting business.</p>

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<p>*Frankly, I don’t think that you have much to worry about. Her grades are good even though they could be better. My advice would be to encourage her to continue in her EC, and to help her connect that EC with a career path. As long as she does well in her EC and gets the grades necessary for career paths associated with it, she should be fine. If she needs to raise her grades to achieve the career related to the EC she enjoys, she’ll also be self motivated to do so.</p>

<p>Meanwhile, her grades are high enough to get her into most colleges in the country, including some that would give her merit aid. Whatever career path she decides on, she should be able to get the higher education to achieve it.
*</p>

<p>As usual NSM has very good advice!</p>

<p>WHose issue is this anyway?
In a couple years, she will be an adult- relying on external motivation from mom and dad, is less important than finding out that choices determine other choices.
IF her grades are Bs ( which sound fine to me), and that means that she can’t get into the schools that are looking for a 4.5- GPA- oh well ( but I also would quibble with that, my D was accepted and graduated from a school where her grades and scores were below the median student)</p>

<p>If you really want to illustrate how hard work can help to rise above what good enough work can do, show by example.
I see so many parents, who looking back are disappointed by their choice of career, of college, of their academic acheivement in school and they want their kids to make it up to them.
Not saying that this is necessarily your backstory- but from what I have read- could be.
If adults aren’t happy with their choices, then they should take action themselves, don’t expect your child to redo your mistakes, let her have her own.</p>

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<p>A thought re driving privileges, I would not want to deprive her of this unless her performance was well below her ability, but you can often get discounts on insurance if the student has good grades (eg B or higher), so you could tie the lower insurance payments to good school performance, and she could be responsible for paying the difference if she does not keep up her grades.</p>

11

<p>Thanks for the helpful responses.</p>

<p>Chocoholic - My sense is that, for this grasshopper in this stage of her life, she is willing to work only until something is “good enough.”</p>

<p>Interestingly, this is the case with her extracurricular activity as well as her schoolwork.</p>

<p>So I do not feel that it is the case that, if she had more time, she would devote more effort. It’s more a case of lack of interest, as assessed by greenblue.</p>

<p>I do think she has a good work ethic. She has a full schedule, and she does not slack off, does not look for excuses to get out of her extracurricular commitments, for example. She also uses her time at school wisely.</p>

<p>I have had conversations with her about this. She is incensed that I do not appreciate her work and accomplishments, and instead focus on this issue. She feels her grades are, for the most part, fine.</p>

<p>She has no aspirations to attend an elite school, and is also enough of a realist to know that her grades would not be sufficient to be considered.</p>

<p>sjmom, in a sense, I do think she is working at her ability level in the sense that she has no drive to do anything more than she is doing, doesn’t see any reason why she should.</p>

<p>However, she spends very little time on schoolwork - generally completes it while at school - so it is clear that if she spent more time studying for tests or revising essays that she would do better.</p>

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<p>ek4 - very appropriate comments. I myself feel that my parents expected me to go in a certain direction, and that I was too timid to branch out as the “real me” until far too long after I’d left home. In my case, I have really tried to stand back and let my daughter pursue her own interests in her own way. </p>

<p>Perhaps she is too young to recognize that a little more effort now would provide her for more options in the future. The argument could be that parents can provide incentive for her to work harder and have those future options.</p>

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<p>It’s easy to come across the wrong way; when we may think that we are “encouraging” or “motivating” our child, they see it as “nothing I do is good enough for mom & dad”. And that can be disheartening.</p>

<p>If indeed her schedule is that busy, and she finds fulfillment in her EC, then it would be good for her to see appreciation for her efforts from you. (not saying that you don’t). Kids sometimes see criticism when there isn’t any.</p>

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<p>My son was much like your daughter.</p>

<p>He did as little work as possible in high school and got grades that, while reasonably acceptable, were far lower than he could have earned if he had put in an effort. He aspired to nothing more than the state university and knew that his grades (and his SAT scores, when they came in) were good enough to get him there. </p>

<p>He is now a junior at that university. He has a 3.8 GPA, which is far higher than what he had (and what he aspired to) in high school, he is completing a difficult major, he has had two summer internships, he is spending this summer working on a research project on campus (for which he gets paid), he will probably graduate with departmental honors, and he plans to go on for a PhD.</p>

<p>Sometimes, you just have to wait for them to grow up on their own.</p>

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<p>Thank you Marian, that is a reassuring story.</p>

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<p>Does anyone want their car worked on by the ‘good enough’ technician?</p>

<p>It is hard to know when to leave things alone and when to point out the deficiencies of the ‘good enough’ approach. My own feeling is that with minimal effort you can achieve so much more (i.e. revising a paper for 15 minutes) that it’s worth making an issue of it. But pushing too hard can be disastrous.</p>

<p>Thanks swimcatsmom, I’ll have to make sure my kid understands the reasons I nudge my kid along sometimes.</p>

17

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<p>Treetopleaf, you are so right.</p>

<p>But hearing it from her mother doesn’t seem to be enough to make her do it, which is why we have pondered using more forceful means to try and get her to see the light.</p>

18

<p>This is a tough call - you always want to err on the side of encouraging the child to be who they are and to find the right path for themselves.</p>

<p>One of the motivators that worked in our house, for my S, was to take him on college tours. He decided, largely for himself, that he did not like the atmosphere in the schools he could - at that time - expect to get into. He’s pulled up his grades since then without much of a push from me. </p>

<p>During our initial tours, we would see a competitive college and a not so competitive college, and he could tell the difference.</p>

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<p>I know several stories like Marian’s son. There are some kids who just need time to grow into the students they can be, if motivated. My only suggestion would be to use more carrot and less stick. That is, praise her for the good things she’s doing – catch her being good, as they say in the child development books. I really wouldn’t tie the driving privileges to grades, unless they are really and truly unsatisfactory (like failing). I like to use driving privileges for other behaviors, like being kind and helpful, or just responsible in general. I might take away the keys for not coming home when a kid said they would, or for being really rude to a parent or sibling.</p>

<p>My youngest is a Junior in HS and the oldest is a sophomore in college. I am now more relaxed about achievement issues, and more concerned about happiness/social issues. So many kids have too much pressure to meet expectations, and I don’t think that’s healthy. Maybe I’m just getting old, but I think they should have some fun while they are young enough to enjoy it.</p>

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<p>I don’t think you can push for a kid who is getting B’s. If she wanted to work harder and get A’s, she would. It will just damage your relationship to try to get her to do the extra work.</p>