This is a big part of the problem, as D has no defined interests (other than getting her drivers permit). Part of this is due to the rote nature of HS education, but is also becoming apparent that this kid is unlikely to be doing something for which there is a clear academic training path. Maybe something will click and this will change. More likely she will “land” in something related to her non-academic interests (e.g., her sailing team coach works for a boat company, does private instruction, ferries boats from the Caribbean to the US -sounds pretty good to me). But in the interim, it is not in my nature to say “No worries, be happy; grades don’t matter”. Although I am learning to say that they do a whole lot less often.</p>
<p>Perhaps what parents CAN do for our unmotivated students is make more efforts to guide them in defining and developing their interests or passions (that could lead to future careers even if only in a very general sense). We cannot force them to be motivated but without intrinsic motivation they have no vested interest in their educations and see no real purpose for learning; they do not see “connections” between school and their futures (other than school is required). We can, at a minimum, be discussing career ideas or vocational interests, maybe help them set up plans to explore careers through volunteer work, summer internships, job shadowing, just talking to other people in careers that interest them, as well as providing them with enrichment opportunities to explore their interests. And we can do this in a way that is fun for them, not a chore or a requirement like their classes are. If the schools are failing to instill a love of learning in them, we need to do this ourselves by helping them discover that learning can be fun–like it was when they were younger. And by helping them discover and realize for themselves the connections between education and their hopes and dreams. For these kids, such connections cannot be made by just by hearing it from parents or teachers; they need to experience it either directly or through other role models.</p>
<p>I just wanted to add that I think it’s important in all of this for me at least to make it clear to my son now that there are many places he can go to college at his current effort level where I will be completely happy to send him. I don’t want him pretending to get into Stanford:).</p>
<p>And cur, yeah, that might be true. But it is our job as parents to have clear values. We may not make progress but we can’t pretend about our values. I mean, how many times did I tell my kids when they were little to find other ways of communicating what they wanted than whining? Did it work? Not at the time, no. Did I punish them? No. But I did remain constant. I think there is something to be said for remaining constant in the statement of values, and not withdrawing love when the kids make other choices.</p>
<p>I have actually been surprised over the years how much it turned out, when the results were in, that my kids HAVE absorbed my values, even while disagreeing with me or apparently butting heads with me. When you look the other way, surprise, they are doing exactly what you would have wanted and they say it’s their own values.</p>
<p>Ive just had another thought. In my example #3, it was very obvious that peer pressure made the boy change his mind. I know many similar cases. Very often kids dont listen to their parents, yet they pay a lot of attention to other students. Perhaps you could try introducing her to the environment where she may get motivated from observing the others. How about visiting a student on college campus, perhaps arrange a sleepover? Actually, the boy in example #1 became extremely motivated after an overnight college visit with friends daughter. How about attending a summer program or a camp focused on learning or research? Does she have any career path in mind? Perhaps she could volunteer in a relevant company sometimes it is possible to find one through your friend circle. She may get motivated from observing other professionals doing their job, she may also get to hear their stories, learn about their education and its impact on their future and their job. In our company we regularly recruit and train many student interns, as well as volunteers from local high schools. Most of them return year after year. I can see how tremendously these kids benefit from this environment and I can observe huge progress not only in their working habits, but also in their course loads, careers choices, as well as choosing classes to support this career.</p>
<p>You may also try an opposite approach: some kids become motivated after spending several weeks or months doing some boring job at low wages. Once my daughter spent a summer month volunteering at children hospital. Due to organizational / legal reasons she was unable to work directly with patients, so she ended up in hospital registry filing and alphabetizing medical histories and sorting through medical records. While she liked her co-workers and provided a lot of real help, she announced that she would never imagine doing something similar for the rest of her life she was bored to death just after one month. I think that this experience helped her to put her schoolwork in perspective and understand its impact on her future.</p>