Background: I have a group of friends that are in an informal wine and food “club.” We meet once a month at a fancy restaurant, with one person in charge of the wine. The other members of the club are way more into wine than I am and they’ve shared some amazing wines with me and the rest of the group. It is a very generous bunch and they are tolerant of my failings when it is my turn to “host” (ie bring the wine) once a year.
The problem: For the ten year anniversary of the group, we’ve decided to go to Europe (specific destination not revealed for privacy purposes). In theory it is a fabulous idea. But in practice, I’m starting to get very worried.
We had no discussion of budget, and every member of the group who said yes to the plan is in a very significantly -- emphasis on the very -- higher socioecomic category than I am in. The folks who are in charge of planning have circulated the plans and I don't know what to say -- Michelin one stars for lunch and three stars for dinner every day. Pre-ordering the white truffle dinners. Drivers up the wazoo. Winemakers of very, very expensive wineries accompanying us at dinner every night to present their wines. Private rooms in said Michelin three-stars. No mention of price in any of the emails flying around. Everyone else on the email chain very, very enthusiastic about the plans.
I literally physically cannot eat like this. Or drink like this! I can handle one meal a month at this level (maybe!) but 10 meals in 5 days? With visits to wineries in between the meals? I've jokingly said that I can't handle this schedule and the other members have provided helpful tips for "training."
Literally the whole trip is eating and drinking. No art! No music! No countryside! No tours of castles or country houses. Just eating and drinking from morning to night.
What do I say to get out of this? The really bad thing is that they’ve already changed the schedule – dramatically – to accommodate me when I declined the first proposed dates because of prior commitments. The new dates were far enough in advance that no one could have conflicts especially since they were willing to plan around my conflicts.
For some reason, I’m hesitant to say, “Hey guys, I simply can’t afford this trip.” The socioecomic gap is sort of an elephant in the room, perhaps. There are a couple of other people in the comfortably-upper-middle-class-but-not-rich category in our group of 12 but they somehow declined the trip from the start. But they had the excuse of a spouse and kids at home that I don’t have. There are 8 of us total scheduled to go.
Help! What do I say to get out of this trip? Even the hints I’ve given are met with: “But it’s the trip of a lifetime! When else are you going to have the opportunity to xyz.” Their lifetimes have much higher highs than mine does, and even if they didn’t, honestly this is not MY idea of a trip of a lifetime. And I think they’ve already accommodated my budget by booking a very nice but not ridiculous hotel.
I’d just be honest. Sorry, it’s really out of my budget. Thanks for trying to include me, but really can’t do it. The sooner you fess up, the better. Money is a real and fine reason.
We have backed out of trips when it is clear it will not be a trip we would enjoy. I feel as long as we give as much notice as pussible so they can decide to proceed or overhaul, I’ve done my part.
A trip beyond your means and one you will not enjoy is NOT a blessing but you have to be up front asap so they can plan the trip that works for those who will be going.
I think honesty is the best way to approach this. The downside is that the group might decide to dis-include you in the future meetups, but if this does happen, ask yourself - is this the group you want to hang out with? The upside is that you will not have to mortgage your house to pay for the trip - financial freedom is liberating.
Even if I could afford 3-star Michelin dining every single meal, a gluttony-centered tour is not what I would enjoy. Have these folks ever watched Parts Unknown?
Yes, honesty is the only way to go…all of it. Be sympathetic and ready for annoyance from the group. Unfortunately, since they were accommodating to you from the beginning and you didn’t back out, they do have reason to be a little annoyed, and I think you already know that, so don’t be defensive. Hopefully they are grown up enough to just get past it.
I woul start out by saying you really did want to do that, but as they were planning, you really were becoming more concerned that this was just out if your budget and honestly, for a trip like this you would really be more into sightseeing than the fancy restaurants and wine tasting. It’s really just not what you were originally thinking it would be and am SO SORRY but you are cancelling. Say you hope they’ll understand and you look forward to hearing about it when they get back.
I imagine you will email everyone? Write it out, read it again and edit. it won’t be easy hitting Send, but you will feel such relief when you do. I think it’s very nice they want you there, you must enjoy each other’s company. If you want to maintain the friendly get togethers and be included, maybe you could host the one when they return as a welcome back.
Not to worry. They will be thankful that you are not going when they realize your presence would impact their desire to experience their 5 star vacation. Any polite person recognizes one must plan events at the price point of the least well off.
Tell them to go and have a fabulous time. Take lots of pictures and come back prepared to describe everything in glorious detail. Disarm them with kindness.
Your previous request for travel change is irrelevant.
Is there one member of the group you are closest to and can confide in, who will be non-judgemental? It might be easiest for you to break the news to that person first.
I would say “hey, I’ve had a few issues crop up, and I’m going to have to bow out of the trip.”
The “issue” is you don’t want to go, but they don’t need to know that ;). They’ll probably say next “is everything ok” and you can say “I’m fine, no worries, I just had some conflicts come up that are unavoidable” (like not wanting to eat your retirement).
Then they’ll say “oh we can change the schedule” and you can say “no, go and have a good time, I can’t wait to hear all about it when you get back!”
on a much less complicated scale. I have a relative who is really big and strong. so he always gets asked to help people move. he is no longer 20 years old …so last week a buddy of his asked him to help move, and he told the guy I will not make up an excuse or tell you I am out of town or working or anything…I just do not want to get hurt or spend my day lifting dressers and cartons…so I can not help you. his friend nudged him one more time and he firmly/clearly restated no. and his firm not beating around the bush response worked.
perhaps just telling them you love them and spending time with them but you just can not make the trek. I would avoid mentioning any of the reasons because they all will be seen as attack on them. just stick to cost (do not mention they are wealthier than you) and that you are just not up to taking that trip now. good luck!
As others have said, just be honest. But do it quickly. My 16yo D and I had to turn down a Mother/daughter trip with friends this month. That one week for the two of us would have cost as much or more than we normally spend on a family trip for 4 and would have meant no family vacation this year. Of course, when I turned the trip for the two of us down the other Mothers came back with “well just send D”. um, no. Still too much money for me to spend on one person. I used to worry about what people thought when I couldn’t afford/ or didn’t want to spend so much money, but I don’t care any more, it is just easier to be honest than to come up with another excuse.
Good advice above. Also let them know that you realize they tried their best to accommodate you being part of the trip with the date, and how much you appreciated that.
And when they come back with reasons you should go and offers to help you out make sure you are firm in your denials. No words that could be interpreted as maybe! Instead say, I’m sorry but it’s just impossible, I appreciate your help but I just can’t accept, etc.
My inclination is to be brutally honest and firm. Your budget just can’t accommodate this sort of trip and you apologize for not realizing it sooner. Five star restaurants even without private rooms are incredibly pricey - I’ve only eaten at a handful (once every five years or so) - it’s an experience, but I can’t imagine doing it more than once in a trip. I’d be broke too!
I agree with Sax that they’ll be secretly glad and I don’t think you’ll lose friends.
I agree with @emilybee , if these are people who stop speaking to you because you can’t go on the trip, then good riddance! Sheesh, who would want to hang out with people that you don’t feel comfortable being honest with? That’s no fun, and friends are supposed to be fun. Otherwise we’d call them family ;).
