<p>I figure I’ll get all sorts of interesting suggestions about this one. Son’s GF will be here for spring break and he asked if my mom will be at our house during that time. Dah! But what about me? I mean, I know they are “more” than dating, but do I actually let them share a bed? They’ve been “in a relationship” since they met as freshmen, 2 years ago.</p>
<p>Your house, your call.</p>
<p>If they’re in school together, they have all the access they need there.</p>
<p>Unless he’s an only or youngest child, that situation puts odd and unfair emotional pressure on younger sibs.</p>
<p>Are there small children still at home? If so, I would maintain the appearance of G-rated… </p>
<p>If she is going to be visiting for more than a day or two, chances are they are going to have sex whether they are in the same room or not… it is only a matter of the message, not the reality. IMHO.</p>
<p>We just had this decision over winter break. I recall the silliness of bringing a few girlfriends home when I was in college and grad school. My mother knew that we were sleeping in the same room every night at school but she insisted that we sleep apart. It always seemed so odd to me and I vowed that I wouldn’t play pretend when either kid brought home someone they were involved with (no one-night stands). So, we asked ShawSon and GF whether they wanted to sleep in his room (a loft bed that is really high up – he’s 6’4" and she might make it to 5’2") or in the guest room in a double bed. She picked the loft bed. I want my kids to have warm loving adult relationships and so I don’t oppose healthy sexual relationships. So, my vote, if you are not too uncomfortable with it: I’m sure your son would appreciate your acceptance of who he is of his relationship which you would signify in part by offering them a room together if they want it.</p>
<p>I personally don’t think it is a bad message for younger kids to see an older brother in a loving relationship. I don’t understand what the pressure is on the younger sibs. On their second visit, ShawD who is three years younger was there. She was not in any way uncomfortable. [I admit that I haven’t thought about really little kids. Maybe I would feel differently, but at first blush I don’t see it.] </p>
<p>This was discussed in an earlier thread. Some people are deeply, deeply uncomfortable with admitting that their child is sleeping with someone even when they know that the couple is sleeping together every night at school. I personally would be much more uncomfortable playing pretend like my mother did. I would prefer to send them the message that a loving relationship is something I fully accept and support. I may not see the GF or BF as “the one” but I think our kids need to learn how to have relationships and I want to support them in that as well.</p>
<p>You don’t want to do anything wrong and embarase your son. I’d say just let her sleep in his room. That way you don’t need to clean one of the guest rooms and wash the sheets. Or you can ask him before they get there what they want to do.</p>
<p>Or. I just thought of a solution. Let them sleep in the basement.</p>
<p>Shawbridge, I couldn’t agree more.</p>
<p>Two additional issues: how would her parents feel about this? If my daughter went to visit a boyfriend and there was the assumption she was sleeping in the same room, I might not like that. It comes down to respect. Is this girl being treated like an appendage of the boy or as a full blown guest?
Are you ready to extend the same welcome to any guy your daughter brings home?</p>
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<p>I agree completely with this, and actually, with your entire post, shawbridge. I recall saying the same thing many years ago when my and my H’s parents played out the same silly charade when we visited.</p>
<p>I was going to post the same thing as redoor. As the parent of a daughter, I would be very uncomfortable knowing that you were assuming that my daughter would want to sleep with her boyfriend at his parents home. I would think it would make more sense all around to give her her own room, assuming you have it, so she has some space. If they aren’t living together at college, she’s not used to sharing a room with your son anyway. Nothing is to prevent them from hooking up, but I don’t see the reason to give it your blessing.</p>
<p>This happened to a friends D when she visited the BF’s family for the first time. The BF’s mother just assumed she would want to sleep in BF’s room and stated “You will be sleeping in with BF”. This girl felt uncomfortable about it and I guess she could have spoken up but went along. There was a younger girl in the home and it made friends D feel “weird”. While I am not in denial about these two having slept together at school, I think the better way to have handled it would have been to offer 2 options. “You are welcome to sleep in with BF or in the guest room, whichever you prefer”. Friends D felt there was not and option. Friend was none to pleased about it(because she was in denial about them sleeping together LOL!).</p>
<p>What do they want? </p>
<p>Some young people might be embarrassed to share a room in a parent’s house – especially if younger children are there – even if they share one at school. Others would prefer it.</p>
<p>Kathie, if they’ve been together for two years, presumably the couple will be able to discuss the situation and decide what works best for them for the visit. I don’t think limabeans is assuming anything.</p>
<p>Personally, I don’t agree with the idea that if there are younger sibs in the home, that they should be exposed to this. I agree with Paying3’s opinion.</p>
<p>Younger sibs do not have the same discernment abilities as a 20 year old college student. To them, the message is: if you really like/love someone, you can have sex with them…and in your parents’ home. To think that a 14 year old is going to fully comprehend that “it’s different” when you’re in college is giving a 14 year old too much credit. They’re 14 (or whatever) and see things from mostly their own (naive) perspective.</p>
<p>If anything…give them each a room and don’t play hall monitor at night.</p>
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<p>Not all would agree that this is a bad message.</p>
<p>We’ve treated D like the adult she is since she left for college. Even if there were siblings at home it would be her call.</p>
<p>I’m with Spring 162.
My son is 21, almost 22. His girlfriends sleeps over. She is older than him. I decided that if they were away at school they’d be together. Doesn’t mean I like it though.</p>
<p>If there are younger kids you have to think about that. Young kids won’t think much of it, but young teens you might worry about endorsing unmarried sex…Probably by explaining that they are adults and can make decisions about their life. Will the grandmother be staying there and will she be on board? Probably not. I have neighbors my own age who would raise their eyebrows!</p>
<p>I would give the girlfriend a separate room, even if I were well aware they are sleeping together when they are at college. There are two reasons.</p>
<p>One reason is that you would be setting a precedent that you might not be comfortable with later if you have other children. Or even if this son has a different girlfriend later on. There could very well be some future girlfriends or boyfriends that you do not like, or whatever.</p>
<p>Second, and the major reason: There is a visceral difference between knowing something is going on far away, and being confronted with it up close. You might discover this feels uncomfortable for you, or for your son, or especially for the girl. Maybe not, but you might be surprised when it is upon you, and then it will be too late. Having separate rooms allows everyone some emotional “cover” even if they slip back and forth after lights out. You do not want your guest to feel awkward in your home.</p>
<p>Just my two cents worth.</p>
<p>I felt uncomfortable sleeping in the same room at my inlaws AFTER we were married. I would set up two rooms. Go to bed before they do…you don’t need to know what they decide.</p>
<p>Exactly right skyhook and thumper. Where’s that “like” button when you need it?</p>