<p>I, too, agree with skyhook and thumper! Two rooms and they can discretely visit if they choose.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I agree completely.
I am also willing to play along with the charade wherein a daughter visiting a boyfriend at college is said to be staying with a female friend of said boyfriend.</p>
<p>Another vote for giving everyone their own space and letting them choose on their own where they want to sleep. Even if they want to visit in the night, the gf may appreciate having her own space to relax during the break.</p>
<p>cORRECTION: I said it WOULD be her call, but I meant that it HAS BEEN her call.
And the call has always been one room. But then again, H and I are perfectly comfortable with this sort of reality.Sneaking about and tiptoeing around a healthy relationship is not our style.</p>
<p>This happened to my sister. Future MIL asked where she wanted to sleep, waiting for a reply. Sister was embarassed, there was a pause, future MIL assured her she knew they slept together at school, it was OK. Then sister was REALLY embarassed. Whatever you do don’t put her on the spot like that!</p>
<p>My S is 26 and his GF is 25. Both are in grad school and have been living together for more than 6 months. But if she’s in my home, she gets the guest room, just as any guest would. I have younger college age kids. I don’t keep tabs on what goes on after “lights out.”</p>
<p>Another “I agree” with posts 14, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 25, and 26. (Maybe more 
… I just didn’t go further back.)</p>
<p>It’s funny: I agree with both shawbridge and Skyhook. Aspirationally, the shawbridge message is the one I would like to communicate – you don’t have to sneak around, sex isn’t a source of shame. As a practical matter, Skyhook is going to be right more often than not, not only about you and your children, but about the visitor involved. And the conversation between you and your kids about sex may not be what makes your guest most comfortable.</p>
<p>In real life, we have only faced this once, and it was with our younger child (so no issue with younger siblings). We let them stay in one bedroom because we didn’t have another bedroom we could use unless we stuffed the visitor in a much smaller room with our older child, who had a pre-existing hostile relationship with her brother’s girlfriend. So it wasn’t going to be comfortable at all that way.</p>
<p>While I was growing up, my parents had the separate-bedrooms/no-bed-checks rule – helped enormously by the fact that we had a third floor with several unoccupied bedrooms. Then one year there was a big family party with lots of out-of-town guests, and the rooming arrangements really worked a lot better if we could keep one cousin (late 20s, law student) in the same room with his live-in girlfriend (later, and still, his wife). And, yes, 16-year-old me noticed that and filed it away for future reference. Without harmful effect. The first time a girlfriend of mine visited (and only one ever did – the one I married), she got the separate room next to mine. The next time she visited my parents was three years later, and we had lived together for two years in the interim (although we weren’t living together then). We weren’t formally engaged yet, but there wasn’t much question that we would be. There was another housing crisis, and we all agreed that she and I didn’t need separate rooms.</p>
<p>I opt for having two bedrooms/places to sleep ready. Let her decide. </p>
<p>Fwiw, most college students really don’t want to have sex in their parents house while their parents sleep. They can do that at school. At home, it feels weird knowing that somehow your parents might hear. </p>
<p>I don’t think it sets a bad precedent for younger children. The older children are adults living mostly independent lives. I think it’s important for even younger children to know that you respect their decisions when they reach that stage in their lives. If the rule was that older child couldn’t have people stay in his/her bed until college, then that will be the rule for the younger sibling too. Teens aren’t nearly as naive as many people think.</p>
<p>My sons have graduated college and there are seperate sleeping quarters when the girlfriends sleep over. It’s not the same when they sleep at the girlfriends parents house. To each their own.</p>
<p>I might also add that I have no problem with young couples going away for the weekend and it has nothing to do with not wanting them to have healthy relationships. I just don’t want it in my house when the bedrooms are so close together. I think it is more about respecting their girlfriends privacy rather than anything else.</p>
<p>My mother always gives guests two bedrooms and then pays no attention to who is sleeping where. (As her friends started getting divorced and visiting with significant others she was no longer just dealing with my friends!) When I designed a house for them I gave them a guest suite that had a semi private bath and two rooms - one with a sofa bed and the other with a queen.</p>
<p>Went through this when our son was that age. His GF was 18 and he was 21. I put them in separate rooms. His younger sister, same age as GF was at home and a senior in high school. Their rooms share a wall. I told DS ahead of time separate bedrooms and if you don’t like it don’t come. He put up a fight but she was fine with it. I told them I didn’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable, particularly the younger sister right next door. She told me she was uncomfortable even having the conversation with me and was fine with the deal.<br>
Fast forward, DS is visiting in a month. He is now out and working, 23, his GF also a young professional 25. They will be in one room. Different circumstances. No younger sib at home, difference places in their lives and ages and they are in a long term relationship.<br>
This thread has been around before and general consensus seems to be your house/your rules but be clear and upfront about what your comfort level is.</p>
<p>I’m not you and really do think that sending the message that we know you are having “sexual relations with that woman” (sorry, just saw the Clinton documentary) but that we’re troubled about it and want to act like it isn’t happening sends a message I’m not comfortable with. JHS succinctly captured that.</p>
<p>If you are worried about the young woman’s feelings, I think the logic laid out by momma-three does not hold. I agree with romanigypsyeyes on this. If your real concern is the young woman’s feelings and not yours, talk to your son before the visit. Say, “We’re delighted that you and GF are coming to stay. We want to do what is most comfortable for GF and you. Can you let her know that is perfectly OK with us if she prefers to sleep in a separate room from you or to sleep in your room? Either is OK with us. Just let me know so that I can make up the beds appropriately.” </p>
<p>If, on the other hand, your feelings are what’s driving you, you just have to choose what message you want to send to your kids. It’s a teaching moment. You just need to decide what you want to teach.</p>
<p>My dd and her bf have dated for several years and while I am sure they are having sex, it is just a matter of good manners to not put them in the same room. Let them keep their private life private…that just opens it up. I do however think it might be different if they were engaged. Readlly, you have to figure out what is right for you. She goes away with bf for trips and always sleeps with his sisters…</p>
<p>I’ve always like Miss Manners solution; offer two bedrooms and then ignore noctural wanderings. </p>
<p>I suppose for me it will depend on how serious the relationship is. I mean, I live in Texas so if I wait until my son can marry his boyfriend, then we’ll be waiting a long time!</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Really?? Is that like asking, “Do you think you’ll be having sex while you’re here or do we have to make up two beds?” Talk about an awkward conversation.</p>
<p>^ I seriously disagree. My boyfriend’s parents asked him whether or not I wanted to stay in his room or have a bed made up. There was nothing awkward about it at all. </p>
<p>Again, MOST college students really don’t want to have sex in their parent’s house with their parents there. I promise. We didn’t want to hear parents having sex when we were younger and we sure as heck don’t want them hearing us!</p>
<p>Kathiep^ It’s only awkward if YOU feel it is awkward. To me that is a perfectly normal, simple request. It’s about sleeping arrangements, what they do there is up to them.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>My best friend is gay. His parents have a no-staying-together-until-you’re-married policy. They don’t even like people living together without marriage. No exceptions for the fact that their son can’t marry here in Michigan. Ugh :(</p>
<p>^I agree with romanigypsyeyes and musicamuscia. Neither ShawWife nor I would feel remotely awkward about the proposed conversation with either our son or daughter. </p>
<p>It is entirely possible to sleep in the same bed but not have sex. Based upon surveys of frequency of sexual relations, for most married couples in the US, this is the normal night for married couples. I’d guess that this is less the norm for college students.</p>
<p>This is OT a bit, but in Europe where people are much less uptight about sex among kids, there is a much lower level of teen pregnancy. I don’t think our finding sex awkward or embarrassing or somehow shameful helps our kids.</p>