<p>But you are also assuming that the young woman is as comfortable with this conversation. I don’t get that. Why put anyone in that position when you can just have the room made up and she can sleep, or not sleep there? Why ask? It’s not like you have to say, “THIS room is for you! You must stay in it and no sneaking around!” As many of us have said, it’s not just the bed, it’s the separate space for a guest.</p>
<p>i have always offered and prepared a separate room for the guest. and then i leave it at that.</p>
<p>i usually say something like “the rooms upstairs are ready for guests–towels and such are stocked in the bath” make yourself at home.</p>
<p>i say “rooms” because i want the girl to know she is in control and has a choice. and then i never open the doors or ask what’s going on. i think it is nice to offer them their own room–maybe they just want a nap or some quiet time…or maybe they don’t want to think that mom and dad just assume things!</p>
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<p>This is how we always handled it.</p>
<p>Well, the guest room may not always work out. Look what happened to Lady Mary at Downton Abby. :)</p>
<p>We´ve had this discussion before, everyone has their own view about this. As someone with 2 girls, I would be very upset if my daughter went to visit her BF, and the family didn´t provide a separate sleeping quarter for her. It would be too presumptuous, and lack of respect. I know with the way they were brought up, they would be very embarrassed to walk out of the same bedroom with their BF every morning.</p>
<p>D1´s BF visits her every weekend, and there is no question that he stays with her, but it is her apartment. They also go away on vacations together, and they stay in the same room. But when the BF has gone on vacations with us, we have paid extra to let him have his own room, and D1 shared a room with her younger sister.</p>
<p>This has nothing to do with hang up about sex, or trying to hide anything or pretending our kids are not having sex before marriage. It is no one´s business if you are having sex or not with your BF. Our girls do not even display that much PDA with their BF in front of us - holding hands, but no smouching.</p>
<p>I think they should forego sex for a week. It’s good practice for marriage.</p>
<p>Maybe this is also a class thing. In my house, if you’re not sleeping in someone’s bedroom, you’re sleeping in the living room on the couch since that is the only other room. Or the kitchen/dining room I suppose. There are no extra rooms and there’s really no extra room to even put a blow up bed. IMO, it would be far more awkward to sleep in the living room in the open than with my SO.</p>
<p>BINGO Hunt!</p>
<p>You’re right Woody----We just don’t have enough staff to enable the transport of young hot (dead)Turks back to their appropriate room.</p>
<p>Our guest room is near the end of the hall, next to D1’s room. When her BF visits he is “officially” in the guest room, but I don’t check on them and assume he is actually sleeping in her room. It is our version of, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”.</p>
<p>However… when I was in college, this came up for me. My parents would have died before they would let any of their kids (boys or girls) share a bedroom with a gf or bf before marriage. But I had a college bf whose parents were college professors, and very liberal on this topic. When I went to stay at their place, they merely asked if we would be sleeping his room or the basement. It pretty much freaked me out. We were, of course, having sex. But this permissiveness was disconcerting (were these actually PARENTS?). They also ate cold hamburgers as leftovers the next day (also freaked me out). 
I survived (and visited a few more times). I would say I am more like his parents on this topic now than my parents. After all, I had sex with bfs a lot of times at my parents’ house, too, just sneaking around to do it.</p>
<p>kathiep, the proposed conversation is between the young woman and her boyfriend. Are you suggesting that the young woman would be uncomfortable talking with her boyfriend about what sleeping arrangement she’d prefer?</p>
<p>I think all of this discomfort and embarrassment, which we as adults are/would be conveying, is not healthy for the kids. Why is everyone (from the parents to the girl in question) presumed to be so embarrassed or awkward? </p>
<p>Oldfort, I agree that offering a choice is the best approach rather than presuming (one way or the other), but if it doesn’t have to do with hangups about sex or pretending our kids are not having sex or …, why is it* embarrassing* to walk out of the door of BF’s bedroom in the morning? If this is a healthy, LT relationship, why the shame? Why is it disrespectful to assume that she wants to sleep in the same room as boyfriend, with whom she is in a loving LT relationship? Those and similar words (and whatever feelings underlie them) merit examination. </p>
<p>I’m fine with wbow’s version of this, which gives the choice without explicitly addressing it, but it does still induce a little awkwardness (“I would prefer to sleep in his room but maybe that might make his mother uncomfortable so I’ll stay in a separate room”). I like having the son ask even better. If either way is actually OK with you, you can through the son let that be known. Then, if she chooses to stay with him, there is no awkwardness.</p>
<p>intparent, two months after I met ShawWife, her father said, “I’ve rented a condo in Maui with enough bedrooms for each kid for three weeks over Christmas vacation. I’ve got a ticket for you. You can invite anyone you want: GF, BF, friend. I will not worry about sleeping arrangements. The only thing the invited person has to pay for is his/her airfare. I’ll cover the expenses on the ground.” On this and a number of subsequent trips, he got his student/young adult children to come and forged a closer relationship with them (and their ultimate spouses) than he would have otherwise. I had great respect (not discomfort) for him then and even more so now. His family had been ripped apart by a divorce and one of his primary values was keeping family close and tight. This was one strategy that really worked. If he wasn’t uncomfortable, than none of the invited BF/GF were. It was a great trip.</p>
<p>Over and out on this topic for me.</p>
<p>As uncomfortable as I felt with these requests when my kids were in college, that’s how comfortable I became as soon as they graduated and started working. Funny, that.</p>
<p>Maybe I’m just a late bloomer.</p>
<p>In this day and age, some college-age couples might be embarrassed to admit that they’re not having sex. This is another reason for the two-room don’t ask-don’t tell solution.</p>
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<p>I"m ok with some polite fictions being maintained. I can’t articulate it, but I’m of the give-the-other-person-a-separate-bedroom and then retire to my room early and ignore any nighttime traffic school of thought.</p>
<p>I remember this discussion from last year. I’ve always offered up a guest room to the GF, but after that it is DADT. I’m not monitoring. Both sons and their girlfriends preferred this arrangement.</p>
<p>As mentioned above, I think the parents of at least one of the GFs would have been very upset if this had not been the arrangement. One GF’s mother called me before a visit, to make sure that I would not leave the two (21 yr old) kids alone in the house together for any extended period. While I found this an astonishing request (what did she think had been going on for more than two years at that point in dorms?), I politely answered that I would be around all weekend.</p>
<p>Thanks for sharing. This is about my youngest son. Turns out, his bedroom is really a “suite”. The second bedroom, which has a twin, is only accessible through the first one, which has a double bed. I doubt they’d use both, but it’s there in case they need “space”.</p>
<p>Hunt, were you implying something here? lol
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<p>^^ That’s just weird. Your 21 year old child is an adult and to call someone else to make sure they monitor her is just down right strange.</p>
<p>Give GF her own room and then MYOB. It just saves all around.</p>
<p>I had this issue with my d. First visit, he had his own room. Second they were living together and they shared her room, and her sister got her own room. Everyone happy. H is still in denial they wear bras so there you go…</p>
<p>First time told d the plan she was a bit disappointed but cool. They took long walks at night. Second time she assumed separate rooms I told her it was her call. Worked out fine. </p>
<p>My suggestion is to tell son you are setting up both rooms. Let them decide. And I cant imagine calling a mom. I have sent flowers to bfs mom for putting up with my daughter for weekends however</p>
<p>For anyone interested in a similar thread:</p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1061366-sons-girlfriend-visiting-he-wants-her-stay-his-room.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1061366-sons-girlfriend-visiting-he-wants-her-stay-his-room.html</a></p>