How do you handle these relationships, specially around holidays? Where you don’t know how far and for how long things will go? If you do more, do you feel like mistakenly overblowing it, what if you take it caustiously and that person turns out to be the one and holds it against you forever or it just saddens them? What if you are on the fence yourself about someone but wants to stay out as it can be their true love. It just seems too complicated.
Do you have any words of wisdom learned by experience? It should be great to celebrate with them if they are happy but what do you do if their hearts get broken?
My words of wisdom would be to not focus on the right balance of physical items (gifts - which your post eludes to it seems) and focus on making them feel welcome, relaxed and part of the event/household. Show that you respect the relationship whatever point it is at.
That said, in a newer relationship a small gift is nice. It recognizes them as in your thoughts. In a more established relationship but not committed, maybe a gift for the GF/BF and a gift of an experience for them (tickets to something).
It’s easier if you are meeting them but how much interest is generally right to show if you only know them long distance when college is in another state.
Excellent technique, @yourmomma ! We weren’t that lucky. I treated my D’s boyfriend like any other friend - we’re happy to have him around but he’s not family yet. After a couple of years of the relationship, SOs can become family and if the kid’s heart gets broken, well then so can yours. Embracing someone who has just started to be part of your kid’s life as if they were there “to stay” seems artificial to me and I try to keep it real.
I have two daughters with boyfriends. Everyone (mother, brothers, sister, BIL, etc) got fleece blankets from me for Christmas so not a big deal to make 2 more.
My younger son has had the same girl friend since early 2013. Her parents live overseas so she started spending holidays with us starting that fall. The first year trying to figure out what to give her was difficult. We didn’t really know how long the relationship would last, but we certainly wanted her to have present to open Christmas morning. Now she just feels like a member of the family. We spent the fall in Hong Kong where her parents live, which brought the relationship in many ways to an even more like family level. We like her, we like her parents. Yeah, our hearts will be broken too, if they break up.
I try to make them feel welcome and at ease, but I don’t get too close. As far as gifts, I found I have sort of done the following. First Xmas, $25 gift or so. 2nd Xmas is about $50, this year I did more as they seem fairly serious. I don’t do birthdays yet.
I agree that if you haven’t met them, or just met them, I wouldn’t do anything.
My two kids were diametric opposites. One was always introducing girlfriends to us (or potential girlfriends, sometimes). After he left home for college and beyond, he brought a couple home for holiday visits. The other never once even mentioned a boy she was interested in until her now-husband came on the scene, and even then they had been dating exclusively for seven months before she casually dropped his name into a phone call with us. By the time he started coming to family events, he and my daughter were both 29 and their relationship was obviously serious and probably permanent, and at that point our role was to convince him that we would not be horrible in-laws.
If the bf/gf was there for a present-giving event, they got one or more presents. If everyone was getting a pair of silly socks, they got a pair of silly socks. Plus maybe a book. It’s easy to give books, of a type you know interests them (because it’s pretty easy to coax that kind of information out). When everyone got engaged, maybe a little before (when we knew it was going to happen), we started getting the partners regular gifts even if they weren’t going to be there in person.
I give a gift if the SO comes for the holidays or if they are living together. Once they are married and come for the holidays, new spouse gets a stocking with their name on it and more gifts.
This was our first year figuring it out with our older two. They both live with their SOs this year so we gave the SOs gifts and made stockings for them.
One SO has been here for two weeks, so we have had a great time getting to know each other. I can’t help feeling invested- she’s such a lovely person. My view is to embrace the now - relationships may or may not last, married or not, so I’ll meet you where you are now.
My kids are constantly bringing people home for the holidays and for other visits - both significant others and friends. I’m happy they feel comfortable doing so. We’ve always been a home where friends of the kids like to gather for good food and good, relaxing times. I’m happy to create that atmosphere for my family and the people they care about.
When it comes to boyfriends and girlfriends, I welcome them warmly. Even if I’m not sure they are “the one”, I treat them like they might be. I do not have a good relationship with my in-laws and I promised myself I would not replicate that with my own kids’ partners.
As far as gift giving goes, if you are here for a gift giving holiday, you get a gift or two. It doesn’t have to be pricy.
@doschicos, your comment about doing things differently than the in-laws struck home. I remember all the things my MIL did and said that were snarky and really want to be different. I’m practicing on the GF, she might be the one!
@abasket’s answer is wonderfully expressed. It’s also basically the path we’ve followed here. Make them feel welcome, relaxed, and included, much as you’d want any guest to feel, and it’s hard to go wrong. And sure, as many others have said, if everybody’s getting a gift then there’s sure to be some small way to include them in that, too.
As for gifts when they’re not actually in attendance, we’ve held off on that until there was some kind of formal element that they felt they wanted to tell us about (e.g., actually moving in together). On the other hand, we’ve included them in family travel, short- and long-distance, long before that. Though I’d note here that everybody I’m talking about is post college. I don’t think we would have done that with any of the during-college relationships.
For me, if the couple is living together, they’re family. If they aren’t, they’re not. But I guess this only works if your offspring are the sort who consider living with a BF/GF to be an expected part of the development of a relationship.
And maybe that’s waiting too long.
My daughter’s in-laws treated her as family almost immediately after she started dating their son. It was two years before they moved in together and another three before they got married, but she was part of the clan long before that. They’re very nice people.
“My daughter’s in-laws treated her as family almost immediately after she started dating their son. It was two years before they moved in together and another three before they got married, but she was part of the clan long before that. They’re very nice people.”
They sound like my kind of people.
I figure it is always easier to be generous - of spirit, warmth, and even giving - than not. I want to treat them as I would like to be treated in that situation. Nobody is going to fault you for being welcoming and giving modest gifts.
My MIL had a lot of children. In all the years I knew her, she never ever commented on anyone’s husband or wife, gossiped or commented when spouses were fighting. I have to give it to her. That’s pretty amazing. She got along with everyone who married into the family. Maybe she just realized early on, it wasn’t her decision. I know I always felt welcomed and that’s important.
If you feel like a situation is awkward for you, think how much more awkward it must feel for the girl- or boyfriend involved. Try to be kind to them and to help them feel as comfortable as possible. Whether or not that’s The One.
