I’ll also add that the vast majority of times, visitors to our home will bring a gift so, especially during the holidays, it doesn’t feel awkward or out of bounds to me to reciprocate.
My daughter is visiting her boyfriend’s family now. For her Christmas present, the BF’s mother took D shopping for a formal gown, shoes and everything needed for a NYE ball she went to. I thought it was way over the top but my daughter loves it and the mother loves it. She is mother to two boys so likes having a girl to shop for.
As someone who has never really been accepted by her in-laws, I say always err on the side of being too welcoming. If someone is offended by the parents being overly nice, that’s their problem.
D has been dating her bf for 6 years. We’ve always tried to be welcoming and inclusive. We told her early on that he was welcome at any “family events”, Sunday dinners, etc. But she had to decide when she wanted to invite him. S just brought home his first serious bf, and we treated him the same way.
Think about how you would want their parents to treat your child.
We’ve been pretty generous with both gifts and travel for 2 fairly significant others.
One reciprocated (small things, but very thoughtful), and now that I’m thinking about it I don’t think we have ever received a gift from the other, even though we have been through multiple holiday seasons and have taken the couple on a pretty nice trip. I give expecting nothing, so it’s all good, just interesting.
On a related note, are you friends with your kids’ SOs on social media? I would never send a request, but would you accept one? Do you use the same standard - yes for serious/living together status but no for new relationships?
@psychmomma, I am not friends with a current SO. I wouldn’t invite them, but only accept if they were serious. I was invited by youngest son’s GF and did I friend her when they broke up. They had been dating a few years before I received the invite. I absolutely wouldn’t for a new GF.
Our son has his first real girlfriend. According to him, at 3 months, they are quite serious. I accidentally sent her a friend request on FB while showing my husband her picture before we had met, but she accepted right away. We have met a few times now, and she came over Christmas night. We watched Christmas Vacation, which she had never seen. We did not get her a gift, but we did ask son his opinion before deciding. If they are still together next year, we will get her a small gift.
D’17 brought a boyfriend to my mom’s Christmas this year. We got him a $25 blanket with his college on it. It was a possibility that D’19’s boyfriend would come too, he didn’t but DD was just going to give him his gift from her if he did.
We asked S—he’s been dating a GF for about 20 months. He said no, so we didn’t and she didn’t give any gifts (but she did send a card from both of them). They celebrated Christmas with their bio families (S in HI with us and GF with her family in SC), far from DC, where they live in separate households. I believe they celebrated New Year’s together. :x
I gave the gift of a full tuition scholarship to a masters program on the other side of the country. Now that I think about it, I guess my intent could be misinterpreted.
S has only been dating his current gf for a few months. We did not get her any gift for the holiday. But we did invite them to join us for dinner on New Years Eve. They accepted and we had a lovely time.
D1’s partner has been around for 9 years. Of course we give him gifts.
Our daughter has been dating her boyfriend for over three years. They met very early on freshman year. They are in a serious relationship. We live overseas and have paid for his airfare for the past two Christmas breaks, we have given him some gifts at Christmas and his birthday. My daughter has spent most other holidays and breaks with his family since sophomore year. They have taken her in as part of their family too. His parents helped her move to her summer internships and even back into the dorm this past fall. Nothing is contingent on whether or not they break up. We all love our own and them as a couple. We just hope for the best.
My daughter has been dating her SO for a couple of years and they spend holidays with his family due to a combination of his (unhealthy) family dynamics and my working on holidays. We get together at holiday time for a meal. He gets a small gift from us - Christmas was a gift certificate to his favorite store.
That being said my daughter is pretty sure that if they break up my husband will keep him as the son he never had They are FB friends and talk on the phone frequently. When SO is in town for his job they get together for lunch.
My family does not exchange gifts for Christmas so there is no awkward moment of a guest not having a gift to open; however, I give my children cash and if the SO is here, I give her cash, too, but not as much as my own kids. Then when married, the spouse gets the same as my own kids.
In my S’s instance, three of the four times he brought someone, it was the first time I had met her, but I still gave her cash. In an envelope with a nice card (same as my kids). I didn’t just go around slipping money in their palms!
We ran into this issue last Christmas. In August, my daughter met a man than she was sure was the one after only a month of dating. She had had several boyfriends before, but this seemed different. So she invited him to spend Christmas with us. We bought him a couple of gifts, and sure enough, they got engaged Christmas eve, and were married this past August.
My thought is that if the SO is spending a holiday with you, be generous and welcoming. If that holiday is one where gifts are traditionally exchanged, get a gift for the SO. It’s never wrong to be generous, and it might be the foundation for a good relationship with the ILs if the couple decide to marry.
How would you react if you feel like this isn’t a good match?
My sister dated someone in college who was not only from a different race, religion, country and social class but not a match in looks or intelligence either. My parents didn’t want to say anything to avoid retaliation but she wishes they had as looking back she can see lack of compatibility being the major cause of failure for that relationship.
Unfortunately, she never found same happiness again in compatible relationships so may be they were compatible in non tangible ways.
“different race, religion, country and social class but not a match in looks or intelligence either”
None of these would be at the top of my list of concerns for a match for my kids. A certain degree of intelligence would certainly be nice but it doesn’t have to be a “match”. I’d prioritize other characteristics in a life partner.
My sister dated in a different era, those things held more weight several decades ago. I don’t know if I would prioritze any characteristic as it’s not my decision to make. It’s their life, their priorities.
My son’s college GF was with us from December 15-22. We were not opening gifts during that time, but I had him open one of his gifts with her since it was really for both of them. A gift certificate for high tea at one of the nice hotels in Chicago. They were thrilled.