<p>I just ended up in a debate with my mom when she sent yet another inappropriate gift to one of my kids. She always sends things that SHE would like with no regard for what they would like or enjoy. This has been going on for so many years… last Christmas was another one where she sent several beautifully wrapped packages for the kids… but when they were done opening them, they agreed that there was not one item that they had any interest in owning at all. They dutifully write thank you notes and try to appear enthusiastic, but this is getting so old for all of us. I am tired of trying to return items (of course they don’t have gift receipts with them), giving new items to Goodwill, or stuffing things into closets. My dad (who does not do one speck of the shopping) is vehemently opposed to the idea of gift cards (which is really what my kids would most like), so even if she wanted to that would not be an option.</p>
<p>It isn’t as if I don’t give her suggestions for them (I try to give her a few ideas well ahead of holidays that would be easy to purchase via catalog or in her hometown), but her comment is that “it is no fun to give someone what they asked for.” Her opinion is that “the gift is an extension of the gift giver”, so it is fine for her to pick something to her taste that they have no interest in. I told her that gift giving isn’t all about you (the giver), it is about trying to give the recipient something they would enjoy. Of course you don’t always hit the mark as a gift giver, but that is the goal (at least, it is always my goal). She says she did not raise me correctly, as I clearly do not understand gift giving at all. Sigh…</p>
<p>In my family, these are called “power ranger” gifts, in honor of my nephew who gave his Dad a power ranger video because it was what he (nephew) would have wanted to get… Just accept these “gifts” and eventually give them away. You are not going to change her at this late date.</p>
<p>Gift giving is a dialogue – just as it is not all about the giver, it is also not all about the recipient. In an ideal world the giver finds something that they love that they want to share with the recipient and the recipient is overjoyed to receive a gift that is so much of the giver. Of course, it does not always work that way, but both sides have to approach it as a chance to interact with each other and not just a way to get what they want.</p>
<p>Actually, you’re both partly right, in my book. Gifts generally DO reflect tastes and values of the giver but most try to think of what the recipient MIGHT be interested in/want, or will accept that said gift will not be used by the recipient. Seems to defeat the purpose of gift giving if it is something the recipient has absolutely NO interest in. </p>
<p>Perhaps you & your kids could suggest donating to a charity that the kids choose in lieu of giftgiving, to get everyone off the hook. Your family could donate to a charity in your mom’s honor and she could donate to one in your/their honor. At least that would relieve storage problems and nonprofits would LOVE more donations, as needs keep growing with shrinking donations.</p>
<p>We had a ton of gifts to both our kids…and us from relatives. There are a couple who really know us and get things that we can all use. Then there are others who KNOW us…but really don’t give a hoot. Not only do they get us things that we can’t use, but they also get the wrong sizes everytime they buy clothes (despite the fact that we TELL them our sizes). We also don’t get gift receipts so the items get donated. I figure, those donations are going to be used by someone who will appreciate them. So I don’t feel guilty at all.</p>
<p>Oh…we also have a large pile of framed prints and paintings in one of our closets. One family member keeps giving us artwork that is NOT our taste, colors or something that would fit in with our decor. We have NEVER hung a single piece of this stuff. You would think that by now they might have noticed (it’s been 30 years). Nope…stuff keeps on coming.</p>
<p>I’m pretty sure I posted about this several years ago when it happened but my brother and his wife give pretty much the worst gifts ever. One Christmas, DD received a shirt that I’m pretty sure was straight out of my SIL’s closet. DH got a bag of Oreo cookies. I’m not even kidding. If money were an issue with them, I wouldn’t give it a second thought, but it’s not. DD has always been very sweet about it; she smiles, gives them a hug and says thank you. I have suggested numerous times that we stop exchanging gifts at Christmas and just enjoy one another’s company. It would save me some trips to Goodwill. I give a LOT of thought to gifts I purchase and, for someone who would rather drive dull pencils through my eyes than shop, I’ll suffer through it to ensure I get something that will make the recipient happy.</p>
<p>We call these “catcher’s mitts” in my house, becuase my husband once got his mom a catcher’s mitt for mother’s day because he wanted to be a pitcher and he found it at the garage sale down the street.</p>
<p>I have to hand it to MIL, she put that thing on and let him throw balls at her head once a day for several years until he was old enough to join little league. No matter how annoying she gets, from time to time, I always just picture that and love that young mother in her.</p>
<p>I don’t know what to do about bad family gifts. smile and nod, smile and nod. say thank you.</p>
<p>One reason this is an issue is because my mom insists on seeing the gifts in use. She is still talking about a beaded door hanging she gave D2 a few years ago. We actually did not invite them to visit for over a year because she kept mentioning this garish thing up that she thought was wonderful, and we all thought was awful. The irony is that she absolutely would NOT hang thing in her own house, but somehow thinks that a 15 year old MUST want something like this. D2 did not want to hang it, and I don’t blame her. We just went to see them a couple more times that year instead of dealing with that.</p>
<p>I don’t think you all get the volume of what we are talking about. She easily sends 10 gifts per person at Christmas. That is typically 30 gifts that have to be recycled, stored, regifted (which we almost never do, as they are not things we would give). I have suggested cutting back the number of gifts, but no way. The suggestion of a charity is laughable (they are not the charitable giving types). It is all such an appalling waste of time and money. There are actually even more gifts if we go there for the holidays (so we have taken to visiting at Thanksgiving instead, as it is not a gift giving holiday).</p>
<p>Maybe we should give her a power ranger. :)</p>
<p>I think you should tell your mother that your entire family has decided to adopt a ‘minimalist lifestyle’. Tell her that if she insists on sending gifts - the only gifts that will not be donated are cash and gift cards.</p>
<p>In this case, I wish we could take a leaf out of Japan’s book. When they give gifts, It is practical, such as food or laundry deturgent, or something you can use that isn’t a nick nack…</p>
<p>int, you and others have already thought of all the things that came to my mind. I like Charlottmom’s idea of telling her that all gifts will be sent on to another owner except gift cards and cash, although you’ll need to be prepared for the hurt and anger when you follow through. You have my sympathies – it really sounds like Grandma has completely boxed you in.</p>
<p>Have you ever talked to her from a trying-to-understand-you viewpoint, rather than a debate? As in, “Mom, I know you mean well, but I’m trying to understand why it’s so important to you to give gifts which you know the recipient doesn’t want?” (I’m sure it comes from a place of love, but it also comes from a place of selfishness.) Or maybe you could try to get her to stand in your shoes for a moment. “Mom, I know you mean well, but how would it make you feel if I repeatedly disregarded your clear wishes? This makes me feel like you don’t respect either me or my kids.”</p>
<p>I guess if all else fails, you can turn it into a life-lesson for your kids, although I’m not quite sure what that would be. Dealing with difficult people?</p>
<p>Dealing with difficult people is an important life lesson for kids. Also, how to try to reach a workable compromise with difficult people is another important life lesson.</p>
<p>I would try telling your mom you and your family are going “Zen”/minimalist and trying to declutter your lives to make housekeeping easier. You are therefore requesting that any gifts for the kids be cash for their college funds or donations in their honor to the charity of the giver’s choice. If neither of those appeal to her, would she like to go shopping with or without the kids to purchase something for a family in need in honor of each of the kids? </p>
<p>You can start by setting an example and asking her if she & her husband have a preference as to what charity they would like you to donate to in their names. If they don’t have one, choose one that you like and think they’d like and send them a card and have the charity send one as well.</p>
<p>What do you have to lose by asking & trying?</p>
<p>You have to understand that being rational or introspective isn’t part of who they are (IMHO). As I said, they are not the charitable giving types, and would not take kindly to giving or receiving charitable contributions. I did try the declutter argument (which ought to resonate with her, as she has been trying to declutter her house!). It just fell on deaf ears… because everything is all about her. She has never respected any of her kids wishes in the 55+ years she has had kids… it is pretty clear she isn’t going to start now. I think trying to get to the bottom of why that is would take a psychologist and a LOT of years of therapy – but she was an only child with a lot of insecurity (moving a lot, parents divorcing when she was in college when parents didn’t do that). In her senior year of high school she moved to a ritzy neighborhood and didn’t have what the other kids had in terms of material possessions. I suspect she is still shopping away 60 years later to make up for that. She has always been very focused on things and appearances (hence a charitable contribution has nothing to do with gift giving in her eyes).</p>
<p>I had a friend in college. Her aunt kept giving her gifts that the AUNT liked but my friend hated. The friend finally had it…she got one of the gifts (something the aunt had given her) and for the next “occasion”…she wrapped it up (tags still on) and got a nice card on which she wrote “I liked this SOOO much, I got one for you.”</p>
<p>That was the LAST time she got a useless gift.</p>
<p>ice dragon, we visited Japan almost 20 years ago and have never before or since encountered such a gifting culture. My sister warned us to bring gifts and we did, but we couldn’t keep up. One of her friends sent a son over to give last minute gifts the night before we left. Another friend mailed us gifts after we got home. These were not “useful” things like laundry detergent, but tasteful and beautiful things that we do enjoy seeing every day.</p>
<p>Note well that there is another CC thread going where some people are arguing it is worth $50,000 a year in tuition to learn how to deal with difficult people. OP, your Mom is teaching this lesson at her own cost! Your kids might not even need to go to college.</p>
<p>My suggestion is to forget about changing her behavior, but don’t let her unreasonableness change your behavior. If you don’t like the gifts, give them away, and if she asks where the beaded hanging is, just tell her the truth. “We appreciate the thought, but that really wasn’t something we could use.” She’ll be mad, maybe, but so what?</p>