This made me laugh. I think you’ve tried and it’s obvious your Mom won’t change. So you just have to deal with it however is most painful. Sincere sounding thank yous and give away, sell or toss the stuff. When she asks, just sound regretful. “It just wasn’t Janie’s style”, “it didn’t fit”, etc. And don’t feel guilty about it.</p>
<p>My mother-in-law started giving really weird gifts the year or two before we realized she had early onset dementia. If this hasn’t been happening forever, it’s possible something similar is happening here.</p>
<p>Skyhook, I like your idea of “ripening.” That would work for clothing or tchotchkes. But what about things like the beaded doorhanging that int mentioned?</p>
<p>Geez wish I could type what I’m thinking, deal with it however it’s least painful. If ripening works for you (and you said you had space) that might be a solution. Or if she asks about a particular present, maybe you can just not remember where it is. I wouldn’t want to feel forced to wear an ill-fitting turtleneck or temporarily hang up an ugly door hanging just to keep the peace.</p>
<p>Any animals in the house who might accidently, erm “destroy”, the gifts?</p>
<p>I had those bead things for about a day. My dog refused to go past them so I got rid of them. Huge German Shepherd/Rottweiler mix (120ish pounds) afraid of some beads. What a big baby.</p>
<p>Yeah, that would be a challenge. Do any of the kids in the neighborhood have a treehouse? Could the doorhanging go to college? Maybe the high school theater dept would like to borrow it.</p>
<p>But is it a good intention if the gift giver doesn’t take your interests in consideration? Like I said before, anybody can go to the store, buy a few random things, and give them to the person. I don’t think that’s a good intention.</p>
<p>Contradict or taking issue? I was just asking a question and sharing my opinion. </p>
<p>The room would get quiet because I asked if receiving unwanted gifts was really a fond memory? I highly doubt that.</p>
<p>Totally agree with this. Gift situations are fraught. To me, the best thing to do is instead of gifts just donate the money to charity. I finally got my parents to agree with this 3 years ago. My grandparents thought it was a wonderful idea. Now I don’t have to grit and bear and deal with the unwanted gifts and I can help out a charity at the same time.</p>
<p>^^ I heartily agree with you. However, the OP has already said that Grandma won’t do charity gifts, so it’s not an option. Nor is gifting the items to the neighborhood kids or the college theater department. Grandma wants to see the family using the gifts.</p>
<p>Maybe. Because taking the interests of the children into consideration does not always mean the same thing to everyone. Perhaps the grandmother thinks that is presumptuous of the kids or her D to tell her what to buy for them (if unsolicited, it was!) and won’t reward that kind of behavior on principle, for their own good. Or she wants her presents to be a surprise. Maybe she doesn’t approve of the kind of thing they want, thinks they have plenty of that already, figures they will get it from someone else, regardless, and would rather do something original that they will also like. Though she was off the mark, the grandmother in this case certainly seemed to genuinely hope that the kids would like her gifts. </p>
<p>Regardless, if someone you just met tells you their parent has passed away and they have such fond memories, even of the kind of thing that used to drive them a little crazy, I can’t imagine “taking issue” with anything.</p>
<p>This is what the OP stated: “Her opinion is that “the gift is an extension of the gift giver”, so it is fine for her to pick something to her taste that they have no interest in.”</p>
<p>Doesn’t sound like the grandmother seems genuine.</p>
<p>I think it just depends. My mom always tries to get us stuff that she knows we’ll like… but she also likes to go out on a limb and get something that she would like us to have as well. Sometimes it’s a hit and sometimes it’s not. I always get her a small gag gift for Christmas and she always replies with “it’s okay i got you stuff you didn’t want either”. We find it funny.</p>
<p>I totally agree with that. Gag gifts are fun and I have both received and have given them. At the same time, your mother gives you things she know you’ll like. This is how it should be.</p>
<p>The part in quotes is what I assume the grandmother said and it’s perfectly true. Gifts can be an extension of the giver’s tastes and values. The second part sounds like it is the OP’s conclusion ,not a direct quote from the grandmother. Even if she said words to that effect, it may have referred to the fact that she doesn’t like being directed to buy off of their wish list, or one of the points in post 70. It may mean that while she knows they won’t be as excited about it initially, she hopes they will grow to appreciate it.</p>
<p>In fact, the evidence contradicts the notion that the grandmother doesn’t care that the kids will like her gifts. She really hoped the granddaughter would like and get use out of that bead curtain. And she hopes to see her presents in use to the point that she frequently follows up by asking. </p>
<p>What would you say about someone who only gives only educational gifts or books? That person is giving with the child in mind, even if the initial result is that he or she isn’t as excited as they would be by something like video games or an iPhone. It doesn’t mean the giver is not thinking of the kids or that she doesn’t care.</p>
<p>Years ago I read a charming essay (I remember it as charming) about someone who gave a gift that he would have wanted himself. I can’t remember if it was a son giving a gift to a father or a husband giving a gift to his wife, but the gift was a hockey stick. In the author’s family, and after that in my own, a gift that was truly desired by the giver rather than the receiver is known as a “hockey stick.” Anyone else read/remember this story? I can’t find it online. It was a long time ago but I didn’t think it was pre-internet.</p>
<p>It’s funny that several posters have had the actual experience in their family and have their own label for gifts like this.</p>
<p>Should they be though? My favorite color is red. If my friend’s favorite color is orange, should I give him a red or orange shirt? Well of course I would choose orange.</p>
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<p>There’s nothing wrong with that as long the gift giver has the interests of the recipient in mind. My friends doesn’t follow baseball at all and is a huge fan of football. I love baseball and I am a huge fan of it. Would I give him a book about the whole history of baseball because my tastes are different from my friend’s? Of course not. That wouldn’t make any sense at all.</p>
<p>In our family we call Hockey Stick presents Shotgun presents as in Dad gives the wife a shotgun. Last birthday, I did a sort of inverse shotgun, I asked for a wood grill for my birthday, not so much because I really wanted one, but because I knew it would make my husband and S2 so happy to have real grilled meat. And it did.</p>
<p>My problem is that I really want my presents to be surprises, but I also don’t want something I don’t like. My Mom generally does an excellent job, especially with clothes. There is a little boutique clothing store in her little town that always seems to produce things I love. It’s a great present since I really hate shopping even though I like nice clothes.</p>
<p>I’ve read through this thread, and I feel for the OP – she’s done everything possible – tried to explain it to mom, given away tons of gifts. I don’t think mom is going to change her behavior. I wonder how many times mom has witnessed the reactions of the gift recipients – you’d have to be blind to miss the look of “uh oh – a beaded curtain”.</p>
<p>The best gift: expensive, and returnable. For years, my brother and I would exchange gifts. I’d get him something expensive from Williams Sonoma (with gift receipt attached); he’d do the same. It was like giving a gift card, but with a little more color and texture.</p>