<p>With all due respect for everyone, so many of my clients have been abused by their parents. In every possible way, so too many gifts doesn’t really register.</p>
<p>Deborah T, what was your speechless comment in regard to if not in response to the topic of this thread? It is cryptic, and in the middle of this thread… I read the posts right above it, and maybe I missed something (or maybe the mods removed something so I can’t see it), but it seems to me it was in response to the thread. Please explain yourself more thoroughly, or people will assume you are referring to the topic of the thread you have chosen to post on. My assumption is that you are “speechless” because someone dares complain about a gift, however frequently the giver completely ignores the actual wants and needs of the recipient. If you are speechless about something unrelated, then my apologies… but I think it is an understandable mistake given that you posted the comment with no context.</p>
<p>Intparent, first of all you owe me an apology for your earlier post. It’s inappropriate to make personal attacks / cast aspersions. In answer to your question, my post was in response to the one above it. I don’t take it lightly when someone mentions their parent has passed away. I tend to absorb some of that pain and would tread lightly there.</p>
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<p>Wow. I didn’t even know that was in response to me. I felt that comment was a response to the entire thread.</p>
<p>Next time you should quote the comments you are commenting to, otherwise you are just confusing people.</p>
<p>And why are you speechless by my comment? Fond memories to me aren’t the times when I got unwanted gifts, it’s the times I had spent with the person and the times when the person thought about me and didn’t just buy me a random gift.</p>
<p>I’m choosing to disengage from this conversation. Have a good evening.</p>
<p>Okay, sorry. Now that I understand the comment, I agree completely that this is a trivial problem compared to the loss of a parent, and I don’t mean to make anyone who has experienced that feel bad. Must say, I suppose someday when she is gone we MIGHT laugh about the year my mom gave me 7 (!) turtleneck sweaters for Christmas (all the wrong size).</p>
<p>insomniatic - I agree with you.</p>
<p>I’m betting there are other issues here.</p>
<p>For us, at Holiday time, my MIL sent a box full of stuff, all individually wrapped, mostly from Dollar stores…but a few items of about $20 worth, too. It seemed like such a waste of time and money to me and my husband. But, as she got older, it became more difficult for her to shop for the stuff and wrap it, so she just sent a check. My children, much to my surprise, missed the box of stuff, even though they were able to get one nice thing with the check.</p>
<p>The adults (her other sons got a similar box of stuff) joked about the gifts when they were received, and still joke about them. (A perpetual favorite was the battery operated ladybug massagers that everyone received.) She actually thought about the gifts, and asked if we liked them and was thrilled when the kids talked playing with the stuff they received (most items were played with once, then discarded.) </p>
<p>It is a fond memory for us.</p>
<p>I’m with the “say thank you and move on” crowd.</p>
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<p>Your situation seems different from the OP. From what I read, the OP’s children didn’t even use any of the items once.</p>
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But part of int’s problem is how to “move on.” Does she donate the unwanted gifts to Goodwill, knowing that Grandma will be checking up on her to see that they’re being used? And how does int then deal with the fallout of Grandma’s disappointment at finding that they’re not? Or is she obligated to keep whatever volume of crap Grandma chooses to give, so as not to offend/upset? </p>
<p>IMO this isn’t so simple. It’s not a one-time accidentally unsuitable gift. It’s a pattern of disregard and disrespect for int’s clearly stated wishes. Grandma seems unwilling to even consider anyone else’s desires besides her own, which of course puts int in a difficult position.</p>
<p>Yes, it’s abuse by gifts, but there are worse forms of abuse.</p>
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<p>There is always somebody worse out there, but that is not the point.</p>
<p>It sounds like it makes her happy to give. Maybe she didn’t grow up with much and that makes her over-gift? She must spend days purchasing all of the useless junk, so her heart is behind the gift selection even if her brain is not.</p>
<p>My kids grew up with no grandparents around. If I were you, I’d treasure the laughing with my family about the ridiculous gifts and I’d pack up the whole lot and give it all to Goodwill. You could save one or two items to display only when Grandma visits…or not. you could just smile and shrug if she asks about “missing” gifts. Or say that it’s around here somewhere.</p>
<p>One point is that it’s always ok to vent here. Another point is that there is always perspective to be gained.</p>
<p>My mom gave random gifts to her kids, kids-in-law and grandkids too – usually the exact same thing(s) to everyone, regardless of age, gender, size, need or interest. Very similar to OP’s mother, in that she seemed to like giving presents but not necessarily shopping for things that would be individually useful/significant to the loved one. Like the OP, I was annoyed and hurt that her gifts seemed so thoughtless. My mother has been dead for 15 years now. Let it go, OP. Thank her for the gifts and then do with them what you want.</p>
<p>Like a lot of other family issues, it’s easier said than done to just grin and bear it when it happens over and over across the years. I think gift situations are particularly fraught. In our family, we’ve had the issue of the very generous grandmother and the much less generous (although richer) grandmother, as well as the person who gives what she thinks you need rather than what you want. These things aren’t heinous, by any means, but it’s natural to want to change them if you can do so without causing a lot of bad blood. Sometimes you can work it out. (For example, my wife is the one who gives “useful” gifts that disappoint everybody, especially me. We have mostly solved that problem, but it meant sacrificing being surprised by gifts.)</p>
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<p>I know you are young, insomniatic, but this is about social cues. The issue isn’t whether or not you would have personally considered it a fond memory. That is your business although, I think those who try to look at the good intentions and efforts of others will gain more than they lose. </p>
<p>But to contradict or take issue with how someone says they would feel now that she has lost her own mom is different, and crosses the line. Unfortunately, she knows too well how she would feel. If you were at a party and said this to someone, I imagine that the room would get pretty quiet.</p>
<p>Intparent- agree with your comment that this is hoarding in reverse. As with many behaviors, for me, context is a huge percentage of the equation. Is she often and in other ways a deliberately mean or thoughtless person? Does she enjoy burdening you as a rule? Is she an empathic person? Is this reverse hoarding a form of mental illness for her? It is interesting that in this situation, elaborate effort goes into gift giving that actually pushes the recipients away, particularly at holiday time. To me that is so different than simply mis-choosing, especially when one is 2 generations away from the recipients.</p>
<p>It also consumes a lot of time. There are people for whom “retail therapy” is a huge part of their lifestyle. It may be an effort to fill a hole in her, it may be a bit of “high” for her to make any purchase that catches her eye. In these cases, it is never enough. You have to then go to the next “fix”. Do these purchases pose a threat to her fiscal security over time? </p>
<p>The answer to all of these questions would inform how I proceed. I have to say, I agree with others who don’t think it is likely her behavior will change. I would decide if the issue is worth forfeiting any positive benefits of your and your children’s relationship with her. Most towns have donation boxes placed strategically all over. If you would otherwise want to spend some holidays with her, I would seek them out and proceed accordingly before I left town. Just as you can’t decide what she chooses to give, she can’t decide what happens to the gift after giving it. It’s up to you if you just inform her that all non-gift card gifts will be donated. I think the resistance to the gift cards may be in part the sense of it not being “personal”, particularly common in her generation, but here mostly reflects what the whole process of shopping, wrapping, revealing means to her. There is a compulsive quality to your description of this. </p>
<p>All the best as you sort this out. It is complex and distressing. I’d be looking at ways to minimize the burden it poses while maintaining any positives.</p>
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Exactly. Put up, shut up and then hope the estate pays up!</p>
<p>I’ve been in similar situations, and I use a ripening process. Keep a special tub or box in the garage or closet, and put the unwanted gifts in there.</p>
<p>Let them ripen. If your mother visits within a year, and expects to see a particular gift in action, pull it out of the box for her visit.</p>
<p>After one year of ripening, throw 'em out.</p>
<p>I figure it doesn’t hurt me to be sensitive to someone else’s feelings. Gift giving gets very personal, and for some people it fulfills a deep need, difficult for others to fully understand.</p>