This may apply to just about anybody, but it seems especially relevant to nerdy types. My 22 year old daughter has had sequential boyfriends starting when she was about 16. She chose them all, asking them out based on a list of qualifications that she devised and wrote down. She is exceptionally good looking (no, this is not just a mother’s perspective), and so they responded positively. Each relationship ran its course, with my daughter ending it when she realized that the qualifications on her list were not sufficient for a lasting friendship. As she matured, she became more flexible about the qualifications.
Last December, her senior year in college, she was home on medical leave and began attending a church near our new home. (We moved to another state literally a day before she got sick.) She noticed that the organist was very attractive. They made eye contact several times before she had to return to school, but she never learned his name. When she came home after graduation, he was no longer the organist, and she just assumed that he had become a priest or moved out of the area.
Last week, she was in a bank depositing a check for her employer (she has a retail job for the year before starting grad school in 2018) when a man approached her and said that he recognized her from church. It was the organist. (They’re both musicians, and he asked her to join a Renaissance singing group.) They have seen each other every single day since then.
He is 10 years her senior and teaches at a local university. In the summer, he teaches music and has various music gigs. He has this month off. After a single week of dating, she says she has “never felt this way” about anyone. I can well believe it, but I am wondering what I can do to bring her back to earth. I am concerned about what will happen when the feelings wear off!
" I am concerned about what will happen when the feelings wear off!"
What exactly are you worried about? Sincerely wondering what the concerns are. I guess I don’t see anything alarming in your story. Perhaps there are some details missing…
I think it is fine to have a serious of relationships until you meet the “one”. It’s how one learns what works and what doesn’t, right?
@intparent, I don’t have a choice. She is deciding. But she is so intense as a person and somewhat naive that I worry about her getting seriously hurt.
Seems like she’s the one who has called things off in the past. Broken hearts suck but sometimes it is a good learning process should she fall on the other side for a change.
Given her history of anxiety and depression, is she currently seeing a therapist who might be helpful navigating different stages of a relationship/
Speaking from the perspective of a woman close to her age: Be there for her no matter what. That’s all you can do.
Don’t intervene.
I fell hard and fast for Mr R when I was 20. I knew within a few days that I was with the right one. We moved in together within a few weeks.
Does this always happen? Nope. But I’m sure my parents were scared as I had just gotten out of a serious, long term relationship. They said nothing. I’m grateful for that.
(I did learn later that they thought he was a rebound relationship- but again, never said a word.)
If she’s going to get hurt, she’s going to get hurt. Just be there to support her when she does.
@romanigypsyeyes , thank you! She keeps saying that he may be her “one” and that their meeting this way is evidence that this is a God-ordained thing. It is helpful to hear of other couples meeting and deciding so quickly! I don’t think they’ll move in together (both are devout Catholics), but who really knows?
9 years ago I met my husband (when i was 18 and about to set off for my first semester of undergrad). After our first date, I came home and told my mom that I was going to marry him. She figured I was young, would head off to undergrad (he and I attended different schools 1.5 hours apart) and things would cool down. She was very wrong. After our first year together, he transferred to my university and my junior year of undergrad, we got engaged. (The only person more excited about our engagement than us might have been my mom.) Two weeks after our graduation (I was 22), we got married and have had a wonderful 5 years of marriage (and looking forward to many more)!
We were young when we got together, but we’ve gone from combining our change to afford to split a cheese burger as a special treat in undergrad to moving across the country so I could go to graduate school and he could have a well paying job. We essentially grew up together and continue to grow together. Sometimes when you know, you know. 22 certainly isn’t too young to meet Mr. Right. Be supportive of your daughter - if it works or if it doesn’t. Either way, she will need you.
Oh, yes, @Doschicos, she has a psychiatrist and a therapist! And meds. She also has a mother who has been, and will always be there for her as long as she is able!
I’d just let things play out. No use either worrying about a breakup or thinking of them being together long term at such an early stage in the game.
Perhaps her stronger feelings are also related to the age difference and being in a relationship with a “man” instead of a “boy”. Does the age difference concern you at all?
@Massmomm, I personally would be a little worried if my kid thought it was ordained due to how they met. It might cause her to ignore some red flags. And an unwillingness to live together might put pressure on them to marry – which he might be more ready for than she is, being older.
I am sympathetic to your position, though. D2 has been struggling with a relationship with someone a few years older than she is. Sometimes I think they are destined to be together, and wonder if she will ever get over him if they split completely. It is pretty intense on both sides. Sigh.
@mademoiselle2308 , what a sweet story! I don’t think 22 is too young to find a spouse. If anything, I taught my kids that there’s never a right time to meet someone to marry, because there are no accomplishments to check off before you get married. So many women of my generation thought they had to check off certain things before they got married or had kids, then found that it was no longer possible.
I think my concern with my daughter is that she is so intense and feels everything so keenly.
Also, I might have to slash this guy’s tires if he breaks her heart.
@Doschicos, I’m not that concerned about the age difference, except that he is clearly ready to settle down. I’ve had the sense all along that she would prefer a mature man rather than a boy. I was the same way.
Are you worried because of the age difference, or because you think the guy isn’t a good match/doesn’t have good intentions/will take advantage of her–or because your D seems so infatuated with him?
You’ll just have to wait and see.
Sounds similar to a couple I know–our church organist/choir director. He is also ten years older. Met when she was a young grad student (23ish?) Add that she’d never dated anyone, and he was a foreigner with pretty bad English skills… I suppose her parents wondered at first. (They’ve been married for 9 years now, have 4 kids.)
If you’ve made it this far without your daughter suffering from a broken heart (and your own desire to slash some tires as a result ) you and she have been very fortunate!
@atomom, I think my main worry is that this is happening so quickly. As in, they spend every waking hour when she isn’t at work together. Their first date lasted about 7 hours. The next day, he picked her up after work and took her to dinner and dancing. The following night, they went on a picnic and then to see a string quartet. Over the weekend, they went swimming and then she cooked him dinner. On Sunday, they went to mass and then to a lobster festival. He was camping with friends last night, but then he picked her up today for lunch (her day off) and then took her to dinner.
@romanigypsyeyes and @intparent , I’m not super worried about that at this point. Neither she nor I believe in the idea of a soul mate, so I don’t think she will try to force something that isn’t working. If anything, she over-analyzes every little thing and doesn’t commit until she is absolutely sure.
Awww, sweet. This is the honeymoon phase, we’ve all had it (I presume). You know, when you can barely breath around the new boy/girlfriend, and he smells so good, you just want to inhale him.
It’s lovely, it’s amazing, it lasts maybe 6 months. then you start to be annoyed that he’s always 15 minutes late for everything, or that he doesn’t seem to know how to clean up after himself, and realism sets in. That’s when the relationships really starts.
My only concern is the age difference; he may be ready to get serious and married before she should. Grad school is time consuming and also emotion-consuming. It’s too early for a come-to-Jesus talk, but if this is the start of a beautiful relationship, that would mean he’s willing to support her professional endeavors and give her time to grow up the rest of the way.
) you and she have been very fortunate!