Gifted young adults and love relationships

Parent Cafe
41

Yes, @rockymtnhigh, anyone can elope. Nowadays, however, you can’t elope and marry in the Catholic Church. So, if both members of this couple are practicing Catholics–and it certainly sounds as if they are–they can’t marry in the Church for at least six months and would be committing a mortal sin if they married outside it. They both know that and it doesn’t seem likely to me that they will just ignore Church teaching on this.

Now onto the “smart women can be intimidating” stuff.

Those articles leave out a very important fact. It may not be PC to say it, but while the median IQ of men and women in the US is about the same, the distribution of scores varies.

Thus, quoting Wikipedia:

See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_differences_in_intelligence

This difference in distribution also shows up on certain standardized test scores. While the difference has shrunk, males make up a higher percentage of those with perfect SAT scores than they do of test takers. Among LSAT test takers, males also make up a higher percentage of those with 175-180 scores than of test takers.

So @Magnetron your D doesn’t have to settle for a guy who doesn’t mind being married to someone who is smarter than she is. If your D has an IQ above 150, there are more men than women in that category. If her IQ is above 175, she is one of a very small pool of women with a somewhat larger pool of men.

So, believe it or not, an exceptionally smart woman has better odds of meeting a man with an IQ as high as her own than an exceptionally smart man has of meeting a woman of equal intelligence if you just look at the numbers. A man with an IQ of 180 who wants to marry a woman of the same degree of intelligence actually has fewer potential matches.

Of course, it’s more likely that a woman who isn’t as intelligent as he is would be attracted to him than it is that a man will be attracted to a woman who is more intelligent.

But that’s not the same as suggesting that an exceptionally smart woman won’t be able to find a man who is as intelligent as she is.

42

I’ll disagree with @romanigypsyeyes . Sure if someone isn’t there anymore (the organist) its natural to think they may have moved, but become a priest?
that was my point…that conclusion is a little far fetched, esp if you are Catholic you know how difficult it is to recruit priests.
Going from organist to priest is in my mind a leap, you might say tongue in cheek, a “leap of faith.” 9 out of 10 people in my opinion would not guess that the missing organist became a priest, and that is why he is missing.

43

I may be the only Dad here, but from my perspective, she’s 22 years old, she’s had enough confidence and wherewithal to leave a trail of broken hearted men in her wake who didn’t make the cut as she’s learned about herself. She’s obviously comfortable enough with herself to be alone. Now she’s happily in love and it sounds pretty intense but pretty healthy.

She’s an adult and is happy. What more could you want for your daughter. Just BE HAPPY with her. There is nothing that you need to do. There is nothing that you need to worry about except to be happy. There is no melodrama here. BE HAPPY!

44

@preppedparent , I thought that was funny, too, and very typical of her humor. “Oh, he’s not there anymore. He must be a priest now.”

@Nrdsb4 , I didn’t suggest that only gifted people feel things keenly, only that they can be more intense, as in all or nothing, focused, determined, look at every angle, single-minded, etc. She’s like this about everything, which is why she gets so anxious.

Really, folks, this is not a brag about my kid, or a swipe at us garden variety (well, this being CC, I mean dahlias) folks. It’s just an observation I’ve made (and one also shared by her psychiatrist early on.) It may be a stereotype, but it seems to apply here.

I do appreciate the stories about your own romantic experiences, though. They help with perspective.

@Magnetron, even if your D finds a guy who is okay with her being smarter and a better athlete, she may not want to settle for him. Women don’t usually like being smarter than their partners, as it leads to boredom.

@jonri , that is correct. They are both devout, so I’m not worried about elopement, just about insanity! :wink:

45

@ClassicRockerDad , but it is much more fun to borrow trouble! All kidding aside, there is wisdom in what you say. I am happy that she’s finally in something with her heart, but with her history of anxiety and depression and all of THAT drama, I can’t help but want her to stay stable for a while. OTOH, perhaps it’s because she is stable that she’s able to get into a relationship with an actual man, rather than a boy.

46

As long as a partner has a fair level of intelligence, I’d actually rank it pretty low that he’d have to match me IQ point for IQ point vs. many other qualifications (kind, generous, sense of humor, to name a few). That seems pretty limiting. I think someone with an IQ of 150 can live happily with someone with a 125 IQ. :slight_smile:

It’s fun to hear about “love at first sight” type stories, but time will tell whether this works - or not. Don’t dwell on it. My kids have had relationships that were hot and heavy and seemed like potential to be “the one” and they weren’t. Best to let things take their own course, IMO.

@Massmomm Is your daughter an only child or have you been through the relationship thing with other children?

47

@Doschicos, I don’t think a point to point IQ match matters (how many people know or care about their IQ, anyway?), but you do want to be able to converse with your partner. And yes, other points matter much more. Interestingly enough, on my daughter’s long-ago checklist, intellect only registered as “uses words correctly; has good grammar” or something like that. The rest of the items were things like “respectful of teachers’ authority,” “kind to children, animals and elderly people,” “never uses slurs like ‘retard’ or racist words.” It was kind of sweet when she was a teen.

I have a son, too. He’s 20, and has mild Asperger’s, so relationships of any kind can be a challenge for him! He mostly just likes girls from afar, then moans that they’ll never notice him. His sister writes him scripts for asking girls out, and he memorizes them, but doesn’t use them!

48

Maybe the feelings won’t wear off. The thunderbolt hit me at 19. At 59, my heart still leaps when he walks in the door. Thank heaven no one ever tried to bring me back to earth. I was academically smarter than DH and had a more highfalutin career (until I chose otherwise). That made zero difference; we’ve been happy together for over 40 years.

OP: This man may be “the one.” Sit back and enjoy your daughter’s journey. If he’s not the one, she’ll survive. She’s a big girl. And I agree with others, “gifted” has zilch to do with anything in this case.

49

I couldn’t be with someone as smart or ambitious as me. Mr R isn’t and he knows it. On the other hand, he understands people and emotions better than I ever will. It’s a good balance.

Count me as someone who doesn’t think “gifted” or not has anything to do with anything, but that’s just me.

Any guy who is intimidated by a woman who is smarter than he is or who wants a woman to prioritize his career over hers isn’t worth the time of day imo (unless of course the woman wanted to be a SHAM or the more family-oriented and less career-oriented partner). I tend to be a practical person so on our first date, I told him that I was ambitious and needed someone who would support my goals and career and if that wasn’t him, that was OK. We’d stay friends.

50

Five years ago, my daughter (then age 23) told me that the guy she had started dating a month earlier had “long-term potential.”

They’re getting married next month.

Sometimes, it’s right and you know it.

51

Let me see, devout Catholic girl with some dating experience (good!) meets a devout Catholic guy and they are crazy about each other so far. Am I missing something? :slight_smile:

52

@ChoatieMom , that is lovely to hear! How did you manage the separation when you went off to college? Or is that where you met him?

53

He lived on my hall freshman year. However, for 17 years, he traveled 100% of the time as a management consultant. During that time, he was my weekend boyfriend. Sometimes, I miss those days. :x

54

Yeah, @romanigypsyeyes , “smart” isn’t something on her list of qualifications, so I don’t know where she is with this. Rich isn’t either, which is good!

55

Well…@doschicos and others, I wasn’t trying to say that a couple has to match each other “iQ point v. IQ point.” (Athough I suspect that in those cases in which the discrepency is 25+ points or more in the US it’s usually the male who has the higher IQ. IME, very few women would say that a man being significantly more intelligent than they are would be a “deal breaker.” Lots more men would say that a woman being significantly more intelligent than they are would be a “deal breaker.”)

The point I was trying to make is the article linked above by @ intparent made it sound as if the ONLY way to romantic happiness for a very smart woman with multiple degrees is to get involved with someone who isn’t as intelligent but doesn’t care about it. I only intended to point out that that simply isn’t true—the exceptionally intelligent woman who WANTS to meet a man of equal intelligence can find one because at the very highest IQ levels there are more men than women.

There are fewer men with intelligence equal to or greater than hers than there are for the women with an IQ of 115 or 120,so the high IQ woman may have a tougher time meeting her intellectual match than a woman with above-average but not exceptional intelligence. That’s true. But again, that’s not the same as saying that for someone who DOES prioritize equal intelligence or achievement, it’s easier to be male than female, which is what I understood @intparent to be saying.

56

I met my DH as a freshman and paid him no attention. He was recently pledged, loud and nerdy. He criticized my other dates but didn’t ask me out until next year, when I was a sophomore and he was a few months from a December graduation.

On our first date, he took me to a nice restaurant and ordered for me, telling the waiter “my wife will have…”. We dated long distance and got married the day after I graduated. 32+ years for us!

Regarding “gifted”, I see what you mean. These kids can see things in an odd way. DH and I both wanted someone with a plan. He wrote me love letters that veer off and become five-year business plans. :slight_smile:

57

I think some folks with fewer academic credentials are sometimes very bright but just didn’t choose to collect degrees. My H knows a ton of trivia and how to repair many things related to buildings and electronics but hasn’t collected degrees other than his BA. Our S is also extremely bright but has not opted for advanced degrees (though I hope he will at some point). I have a BA + law degree but have always felt H and I are intellectually well-matched.

I think there are a lot of folks who do not have identical academic credential who are well-matched intellectually. Even those who aren’t can be very happy, as well as they are compatible in ways that both consider important.

58

I am enjoying the personal stories so I’ll offer mine.

I was smart and pretty enough not to lack for male attention when I was young. I didn’t have a list per se, but knew what I wanted. Nonetheless, I went out a lot and both broke hearts and had mine broken by men, some of whom were good fits and some who were not. When I met H, I did think “wow, this one could be The One” but we lived in different places and I was in grad school and he had a big job and, well, the circumstances didn’t look good. We had a whirlwind summer romance, then went back to our real lives.

We stayed in touch, sometimes dating sometimes not, and six years later were married.

59

DH and I went to lunch on a Friday in April, during the National Model United Nations Conference. It was junior year of college. By Sunday morning in Central Park, he told me he was going to marry me. I wasn’t ready to move quite that fast. By the fall, we were on the same page about where things were going, and got married almost two years after we met.

Intellectual compatibility was important to both of us, in the sense that it was a proxy for outlooks on values, education, politics, one’s life’s work (in whatever form), raising kids, finances, etc. We both wanted someone who could help stretch our personal horizons and beliefs. It has worked pretty well. OTOH, there are drawbacks to being married to someone who always has analyzed every move in his life. More EQ would be nice!

60

I dated quite a bit from HS onward, including having 3 very serious several-year relationships that nearly led to engagements. I met H while we were in a volleyball league (he was the only single, never-married guy on our team). We got along very well. I was also dating a few other men at the time. I liked H the best as we understood each other very well and he was the one I turned to for help when I was having issues with another family member (wisely he supported my decision). We have been married for over 30 years. Initially, my folks were a bit concerned, as there is a significant age gap between H and I, but so far it hasn’t been much of an issue.