One couple refused help. Wanted to pay because they wanted control. Over who to invite, how the invitations were written and what happens at the wedding and the customs they wanted.
The other couple accepted a monetary gift. And with that invitations, who to invite, what customs were honored, many boundaries were crossed. Many wishes of the bridal couple were ignored. Many people were treated poorly.
And now there are hard feelings and relationships that will never be forgotten, resolved or repaired.
I wonder if the couple who accepted the gift of paying for the wedding have regrets? Because their wedding wasn’t their own. They had their own money, they could have paid easily. But not paying seemed nicer than paying.
This is a real story and I’m omitting details. We didn’t cross any boundaries. We are very careful not to.
Gifts and strings have been on my mind lately. I know someone who years ago told their three kids that they would give them $100k each if they bought a house within seven miles of the parents. All kids took them up on their offer. That feels so icky to me, but you know what? They see their kids and grandkids all the time, something I don’t get. I see the appeal although, even if I had that much money, I would never do that.
Everything is great until one of the in-law children gets the job offer of a lifetime 1500 miles away. Or one of the in-law children’s parents is diagnosed with dementia and they decide it’s better for the care-giving spouse if that child (now an adult) moves to THEIR state to help with the long term care plan.
Then the happy/happy BBQ’s and family dinners and game nights start to unravel. The parents with the original checkbook feel “My money my town”. Their kid gets torn between the spouse and the parents. The spouse feels like “I did it your way for ten years, now I need to do something else”. And there isn’t enough family therapy to go around to help everyone unpack the love, obligation, gratitude, resentment, loyalty, guilt, anxiety that emerges.
We have already done one wedding and my DD fully respected my non negotiables. They got to choose everything else and have every element they wanted in her very elaborate wedding. My son in law had initially wanted not to have anyone either he or she had not met, but I said that was not an option. My co workers and some other newer friends had to be included. My other daughter cares even less about the details of any wedding she might have.
Wedding gifts to my kids came at the rehearsal dinner or wedding event.
They were free to plan the event they could afford, though I did lend one some cash upfront and dispelled the loan as their gift.
I had no interest in planning their celebration - I had planned and paid for my own - but happily shared my opinion when asked. Some suggestions were favorably received and enacted, others not so much.
The last of my 3 had their event this past weekend!
It was wonderful!
We gave our S a VERY SHORT list of the people we REALLY wanted and another list of folks which would be “nice to have.” S and DIL decided what they wanted and did all the planning. It worked out fine. I was able to plan most of my wedding but did allow my folks & in-laws to invite whomever they wanted.
I feel very fortunate that there were no strings with any funds were gifted to me and H. Strings really make life awkward. Neither parents nor in-laws wanted to control anyone. The funds and assets we received were very significant and helped us a lot when we needed it, plus have made our retirement MUCH more comfortable and allowed us to support disabled D.
We also didn’t have to feel awkward because there was uneven distributions—both H and BIL got same gift from their sister. My folks gave us all the same except a bit more for one sister who lived with them for long than any of us and who has a poorly paid job—they were concerned about her financial security (she married around age 40).
Offering to host a party of their honor is what I was doing. That’s why for me a wedding party is fundamentally different than giving cash and then saying how it can be spent. We have given our children very large gifts including by disclaiming our own inheritance in favor of them. We give them annual gifts. We would never try to say how they should spend that money. This for me is different. My DH and I were throwing a party. We wanted them to like that party since it was to honor them . We listened to what they wanted and almost always chose in accordance with their desires. But we still had a say in the party. Because it was ours. Our DDs were free to say they didn’t want that party and do their own thing.
As to weddings, there are different cultural norms. In some cultures, the wedding is thrown by either the bride’s parents or the groom’s parents. Under those circumstances, the parents rightly have a major say. My wife and I had little say over our wedding guest list, which was probably at least half FiL’s business associates.
For our daughter, our view is that it is her and SiL’s event, so we just gave them a “check”. What they and we agreed was any guests we or our future in laws wanted to invite above our allocation was going to be subject to a per person cost out of our pockets, which I thought was a fair compromise. My D has joked that she will now be hosting a mini-my college reunion, but she is fine with that since she knows them all and is expecting “fat” envelopes.
I love your point of “support” vs “gift” @ububumble. One of mine has needed more support and so far the siblings have not made an issue of it.
For a wedding I like the approach of @HImom - here are the “must invites”, really want to invite and nice to have invites - assuming not a tiny wedding and that we are contributing to the event. I don’t think I would have any other absolutes on wedding planning, although there may be some choices I can’t avoid commenting on (e.g. destination venue that is difficult to get to and/or very high accomodation prices for guests).
The way I see it, a wedding is a celebration of the couple. It is theirs. I try to let ownership stay with the couple. If folks want to add more celebrations to the couple in the way of a shower, extra reception or whatever, have a dialog but be guided by the couple. We all had our chance to choose what we wanted. It’s time to let others have their turn, IMHO.
For those who send money to kids via Venmo etc, keep an eye on the evolving tax rules
Here is one article
It looks like in 2026 there could be 1099-K sent if total for recipient is over $600. If somebody has studied this more closely, I’d love the net of how to successfully code transactions as non-business, ie n/a for tax reporting.
We recently had reason to send a few thousand to CO_kid for housewarming gift, and based on cautions from financial advisor opted to send a check instead of using Venmo. Will research more to be ready in future.
“Venmo collects tax information to prepare a Form 1099-K for people who are using the service to collect payments for goods and services.”
A parent transferring money to a child wouldn’t (normally) be for goods and services but as a gift. I’d think only businesses would register their Venmo accounts as a business, and thus have provided a SSN to Venmo. How will Venmo issue a 1099-k without a SSN? Or does Venmo make you sign up with your SSN (I don’t have and will never have a Venmo account)?
But yet another reason not to make transfers by Venmo. It isn’t FDIC insured and you can lose money making transfers and no one will bail you out. I’m a little more comfortable with Zelle as it is from one FDIC/NCUA institution to another (although the transfer itself is not insured) but I still just make the transfer directly into children’s accounts.
I don’t send my kids money often enough that I’m privy to their bank information.
If I need to send them money, I write a check. They can deposit online. I have Venmo one kid, the other doesn’t have a Venmo and is very protective of any personal information.