I understand tradition. But I also feel like we are in a different world these days.
I personally feel that it’s time for me to put aside any gender differences. I also feel that any traditions are up to my children and their partner to make for themselves.
My kids have college and graduate degrees. My female child works in a profession that is traditionally male. To then make a decision based on their gender when we spent time telling them that their gender wasn’t a determining factor. Feels like I’m taking back what I told them when they were young.
I don’t believe the mom of the bride’s family HAD much money to help the couple with, but that was fine as we helped them and they had saved a lot of money in the time they’ve been together and in their careers since they graduated. Both I and the MOB sent photos of our proposed wedding outfits and she was happy with both. We both ended up wearing different shades of blue, by co-incidence. We all let the happy couple just tell us how they wanted us to help. Everyone was happy. If D chooses to get married in the future, we will be happy to help her similarly as we did for S— give funds and help where needed.
For me a wedding I pay for is a party I am hosting in honor of the bride and groom. Of course I want them to have most of the say in how they want to be honored. But I have veto power and a say in decisions that are important to me. If my kids want a wedding where they have all the decision making they would have to pay it for themselves which family gifting and trusts would let them do.
Some people feel exactly like you. I guess there isn’t a right or wrong but many of us can’t see or understand the choices others make.
I’ll ask… how would you feel if you daughter/son said “ok, with that in mind, we will just have a small ceremony we can afford but that allows us to make the choices for all aspects” - would you be hurt or would you be likely to be swayed to still support $ in some way - or would that just NEVER happen because your kids have always known “that’s the way it is” and wouldn’t expect anything differently???
Somehow we’ve gotten onto weddings (so easy to happen!) in this thread so don’t want to sway too far away from the “gift” aspect
Circumstances are not always the same. Which is why, to me, being completely equal is not always equitable. Would a couple of thousand dollars have no impact on a kid that works in finance, but very much needed by the child that is a single-mom social worker? I would not want my wealthier kid to feel slighted, or less valued, but would hope in that circumstance the wealthier kid would be Ok with that kind of decision. Not the situation in my house, but that may occur in the future. And of course with larger amounts of money, the decisions get more complex.
For the wedding scenario (hopefully some day!!), I would gift each couple the same amount as a wedding gift (possibly adjusting for inflation!!) but separately would contribute to a wedding party that I was part of hosting and that included family and friends. If they decide to elope or have a micro wedding, that contribution would be adjusted.
What do you do if one of the kids never gets married? Is there an age at which you gift that child the same “wedding gift” amount. I know my mom, who didn’t marry until her mid 30s (very old for that time) was insulted when her family gave up on her ever getting married after she turned 30.
It’s like that in many ways. We have one child (D) who is married and we paid for a wedding. S is single.
OTOH, D chose her MBA program over a higher ranked one because she received a full tuition ride from the school she attended. We paid for S’s Masters degree. That actually evened out.
But if I had a lump sum to simply gift (not for a specific reason), it would definitely be split 50/50.
D2’s in-laws wanted to pay the exact same amount for both of their sons’ weddings. They hosted their older son’s wedding at their very nice home because the bride’s side wasn’t able to contribute. The cost was in very low 5 figures. When it came to their second son’s wedding they thought it was only fair to pay the same, except their second son made a decision with D2 to have their wedding in NYC. Their contribution didn’t make a dent in the cost. In my view, they had the means (both were doctors) to do more, but decided to stick with their principle and I was the one who lived with the consequence of it.
One kid married in the middle of the financial crisis… caterers were begging us to sign a contract and slashing prices in real time. A nice hotel (nicer than we had ever anticipated even walking into) basically told us that as long as they covered their variable costs (labor mostly) they didn’t need to make a dime- they just wanted to keep their waitstaff and cleaning people employed as much as possible.
Then reality hit with the second wedding! Prices had normalized… yikes!
We certainly were willing to gift money with a lot of flexibility in how/if it got spent for wedding.
After D got engaged, she mentioned that they wanted to go up to the mountains just the two of them for “self solemnization” (legal in CO). We were disappointed with the idea of not being there but would have adjusted if needed. We gave a gift of money that could be used for a small wedding (maybe even just immediate family at the courthouse), OK to use some or all of it for house fund instead. They were concerned it would be hard for groom’s family to travel here, so I suggested a tiny wedding venue that I found online that was near groom’s parents… a nice old house, owner is officiant and photographer etc (she does a lot of same gender marriages, even some wiccan ceremonies ). They had a few friends who said they wanted to travel to be there too, and then they also invited daughter’s aunts and uncles (who would have had to travel no matter where it was). Ended up with 24 people. The kids handled everything, though fairly easy compared to most weddings. No work needed by me, except travel plans… wonderful since party planning is not my thing, and I was super busy at work. They had a lovely ceremony (surprisingly outdoors, unseasonably warm that day) plus a catered dinner in a reception room of a nearby restaurant. It was wonderful, and they were appreciative of the gift money that made it possible.
When son got engaged, we gifted him the same amount.
It’s interesting to read this thread and be reminded of how intertwined money and relationships can be. In H’s family, he’s one of three and MIL’s approach to financial gifting (even at very low amounts) is a physical reflection/reminder of her approach to parenting these three in all other areas. Started with childhood labels (the responsible one, the artistic one, the baby), continues to this day and, sadly, lives on in her relationships with the grandchildren. And so for H and his older sibling, it’s not really about the money–they don’t need it–but it’s about the old stories the money tells and how they feel about those stories.
And it’s definitely informed how we treat our kids. Love them equally, parent (and now engage with) them differently. Our focus is on continuing to re-see our kids over time, let go of old stories and meet them where they are now, today. And so there is a difference for us between cash support and cash gifts. Support is specific to the person, based on what they need at the time and what they will accept from us. Gifts are “even” and, just that, gifts–so we often don’t know and don’t ask what they are used for. Though I love getting a text that says “hey mom, thanks for XX, wanted you to see how we’re enjoying it :)” the real joy is in giving it.
If first child gets married, you give x dollars as gift for wedding. Then, when second child gets married, if x dollars is not enough and you can afford it give second child what they need and make a gift to the first child of the difference. Then, everything is even and fair (if that is your goal).
But is that really even and fair?
Say child one gets married and has a beautiful wedding that you helped pay for. 10 years later child 2 gets married, and has a very similar wedding in terms of venues and food etc. But, prices have gone WAYYY up so you have to spend more money on wedding for child 2.
Why should child one get cash just because prices have gone way up. Now child 2 feels cheated because they just got a wedding and child 1 got a wedding and cash.
Only child here.
I think money can be complicated no matter the family size or structure. It’s really about the humans involved. True the “fairness with siblings” doctrine doesn’t come into it and so eliminates one potential sticky wicket. But others can remain. Is a cash gift really a gift if it comes with expectations (of choices, how it will be used, behaviors, whether it can be shared with others and on and on)? Are the expectations clear from the start or does the recipient only find out about them after? What if the parent chooses to gift outside the family and the child feels they “deserve” it more?
I’m less sure it’s about how many people are involved and more sure it’s about the people themselves.
Good points. Even without the issues with my siblings which complicated everything, the strings tied to many of the “gifts” offered by my mother led me to turn them down. She really wanted to control my behavior for as long as possible. That’s the main reason I worked so hard to start and finish college early, becoming independent two years sooner.
Years afterward, mother offered me money to quit my job and become a SAHM, not have more than two children (she got her way but only by chance), and various other things that she thought were the only right thing for me to do. She also said she was giving me some jewelry, only to later stipulate who I had to give the pieces to in my will. No thanks. I cashed in a life insurance policy, sold some wedding gifts, had yard sales, etc. in order to raise cash when things were tight. Anything was better than accepting her terms.
I would be fine with that. But if I’m paying for the wedding and it’s “Mr and Ms Maya invite you to the wedding of DD…” , then there’s certain things I would require. A guest list that includes everyone I want (so control over size, though it can be as big as they want ), an event space and programming that allows people to talk for part of it without music blaring at all times, Speeches by both husband and I, are some of my non negotiables.
I would encourage you to eliminate words like “non-negotiables”. I have no doubt that a “non-negotiable” will get you the wedding you want. But you will be living with your in-law child (and will see their side on regular occasions-- grandchildren’s birthdays, housewarming, your kid being sworn in as a United States Senator, etc.) and “non-negotiable” is not the stance you want to project at the early stages of the marriage!
I learned this the hard way so am passing it on to you gratis. I made NO decisions about my own wedding (my parents paid, they called the shots) so I assumed that when my kids got married, it would be my turn. But a friend with older kids (all happily married, wonderful relationships with her in-law children and their parents, siblings, etc.) warned me “Open checkbook and closed mouth”. And I thought she was deranged. But seeing the experiences of friends who have arms-length relationships with the in-laws, or who complain constantly that they never see their grandchildren-- I realized she might be right. A lot of family issues end up getting unearthed when a kid gets engaged. Some of them are better dealt with in the privacy of a therapists office (another lesson I learned the hard way).
