DH asked me to marry him when we were paddling a canoe in Town Lake in Austin. We hadn’t even known each other three months! I said yes but I wanted to wait a year. That was 34 years ago and I still kind of like him. 
No bended knee, no ring (we were in college and no way could have afforded a ring), no asking my father (which I think is strange and a custom that needs to disappear), and I guess I asked him. We were sitting watching tv in his parents’ basement while visiting them, and I said that I thought we should get married the following year right after we finished school. He said good idea. And that was that.
We’ve been married for 45 years and together for 47. It’s been great!
Hi @fendergirl! As for your question- I agree that probably the “girl asks boy” scenario is likely less “formal” (more likely a conversation than a “down on one knee” thing).
Funny side thought - some of us here have been cc friends longer than some folks have been married! Happy 15 years, friend
I proposed to my husband – with a ring – after a romantic trip that I planned. We’re not the only couple in our circle who got engaged that way, but in our group a formal proposal from either party is rare. Most couples we know discussed marriage and agreed that they’d get married in the not so distant future. That’s an engagement. You don’t need a ring to make it official.
I tend to think most engagements come about through discussion instead of through formal proposals. The few people I know who did the formal proposal by the man route (complete with ring) had already agreed to get married. That’s sort of like having a big church wedding with a formal reception after getting married at City Hall. The ceremony’s nice, but it doesn’t make the marriage more official.
I was thinking about this the other day…whether norms around these sorts of interactions will change given the rapid evolution of gender roles. I am of a generation that taught men to be chivalrous/attentive to women…open and hold open doors for her, pull out her chair, pay for her meal, etc. As I attempted to help my teenage son navigate his foray into relationships with females, I became concerned that today some of these actions might be considered outdated or even offensive. I didn’t know what to tell him what currently is and isn’t expected or acceptable. Of course, treating everyone male or female with respect and kindness is a given. But when he is taking his girlfriend to a Homecoming dance…are those things still expected or tolerated?
Of course this applies to the OP topic and others around relationship gender norms as well…proposals, engagement rings, etc. In a lot of these interactions historically men were expected to take action and women were in a more passive role but were ultimately on the beneficial receiving end. Obviously gender equality is critical and even with the progress being made has a long way to go. But for those of us brought up in different times, changes in expectations around this topic can be confusing. The Parent forum probably isn’t the best place to solicit opinions on this as most of us are likely of similar ages, but I will be watching the new traffic patterns at the intersection of gender equality and romance with curiosity and interest.
If my husband had knelt and filmed the thing, I might have said no. I am no goddess to be adored. I’m a person with flaws and I wanted a partner. That’s what I got.
And since I haven’t had enough coffee yet, I’ll go on with my grumpfest. I don’t like this whole let’s film everything and be stars and post it on the internet thing.
The formal staged proposals seem narcissistic to me. Look at us! We’re happy! I’m loved!!! Really!!! Trying too hard.
And asking for the families blessing makes no sense when 2 adults decide to marry. At that point, you are preparing to form your own family, you don’t need “permission” or even “blessing” to take the fair maiden from the protection of her father - she’s probably been on her own for years.
Feeling pretty curmudgeonly today. But 2 people deciding to get married is about those 2 people. Whoever happens to bring it up first doesn’t have to be a big deal.
Our marriage – 33 years and counting – was a bad idea from the start. Husband was military and on orders for a three-year tour overseas. He didn’t want to get married but didn’t want to not have me in his life any more. I was desperate to escape my parents. We were in love but dangerously young for our age (22). Definitely a conversations rather than proposal situation. We were two woefully unprepared campers who gripped each other by the hand and plunged into the wilderness together. We worked our tails off, endured a lot from each other, extended amazing generosity to one another, and got $#!+ lucky.
I agree that this whole spectacle thing is ridiculous. Kids are even going bonkers with prom invitations.
IMO, wedding proposals should be a personal thing.
And, I would have killed my husband if he had asked my parents for “permission” to get married. Such an antiquated practice stemming from when girls were basically their father’s property. Wasn’t Ok 30 years ago, and I would be shocked and disappointed if it still went on today.
@momofsenior1 - I agree with you but that custom of asking the father for permission or blessing still happens. To me it is somewhat comical as most couples live together before they marry. I mean what does the guy say? “ Sir , I’ve been living with your daughter without your permission but I want to know if you are ok with my marrying her.”?
My S was proposed to by his gf, due to religious reasons. They had discussed marriage and he had been honest that he would not convert to her faith, so they decided if she was okay marrying outside of her faith, she would be the one who asked. She also purchased her own ring (he was in law school; she was working).
My H jokes that I proposed to him - but it was more of a discussion of our relationship and I brought up marriage in what I thought was a hypothetical way. No actual proposal ever occurred.
I’m in the no formal proposal group too. We met as freshmen in college. Got promised a couple months later (the thing at our school at the time). We knew we wouldn’t get married until we graduated and that my parents thought a 6 month engagement was the right thing. So we just dated and it was assumed we would get married after college.
Early in our senior year we started shopping for rings. We decided that we would go get one over the weekend. Dh was at a dinner where he was being given an award (all older adults we didn’t know) and had had a couple of drinks. As we were eating I looked at him and said “Don’t you think we should get engaged before we get the ring?” His answer was “Didn’t I ever ask you? I thought I did. You will marry me won’t you?” I said “Of course” and that was that. We are still married 38 years later.
Very much enjoying these stories! Pleasantly surprised to see that many did not have all the pomp and circumstance we think happens like in the movies!
We had been shopping for a ring - literally picked it out and designed it - so it wasn’t a surprise. However I didn’t know when he had it made and when he would give it to me so that was a bit of a surprise. My parents knew. He did it at my house in my room. They were waiting out on the front porch. We dated for 5 years prior so it was sort of “it’s about time!”
S who is definitely a “I’m going to do the right thing” kind of person didn’t ask for “permission” to ask his to be wife’s father but told him of his intentions. Her father was actually largely estranged from his family but was in town. S had met him a couple of times super briefly and yep, the guy was a jerk. But it was important to S that he sort of be the bigger guy and give the father an opportunity to maybe support his daughter (S’s to be wife) for once in a long time.
I think her father was surprised that S reached out to him - in person - he asked him a couple of questions - which were judgy (geez, you were valedictorian - why aren’t you a lawyer instead of a teacher? Makes more money…) but S’s goodness prevailed. It satisfied HIM that he did it. The father was and is an a_ _ and wasn’t even invited to the wedding but S felt satisfied he did approach the guy - but on his own terms.
D1 is with someone she will likely get engaged to. We get along well with him but I wouldn’t expect that he would “ask” or even “tell” prior. 100% it’s between the couple and then afterwards their enjoyment to share the news.
Engagement by discussion here. No diamond ring. Just wedding bands.
No asking permission or blessing of parents. I would have been offended if he had.
YMMV!
Both of my kids are in what appear to be fairly serious relationships. It’s hard to imagine either of them getting engaged any time soon – they both seem so young!
We’ll see! I hope neither BF asks for our blessing or permission! I hope both of them already know we like them, and if our kid is happy, we are happy.
Again, YMMV!
We talked about marriage before “engagement”, and I guess I kind of asked him. My apartment building was condemned and he had just lost his roommate. I told him that I couldn’t move in with him without being engaged (37 years ago) and he said OK. I told him I didn’t want him to buy a ring without me (what if he chose something I hated?). He did do a more formal proposal - he stuffed a fortune cookie at the Chinese restaurant! We shopped for the rings together. (No bent knee - not a Jewish tradition.)
Still married.
That on bended knee thing is so bad. All sorts of awful connotations- belongs in the distant past. Deciding to get married is an equal decision between two people (could be same gender in today’s better world). The actual process is individual.
My thirty some years ago story. We met and married in our early thirties, first time for both of us. Physicians who met in a doctor’s lounge while in private practices. Started dating in the fall instead of summer because I mentioned two guy college friends’ visit to him- he thought one was a boyfriend (nope- and they both came to our wedding). Nearly did not connect- I was almost ten minutes late getting home after finishing post op rounds that Friday, he was waiting and would have left soon (he had call the weekend hence the Friday dinner). We kept things low key because of gossipy physicians (men are worse gossips than women!).
One year to the day of that first date I got a telephone proposal from him- he was on call. I asked him if he was sure, said yes. No ring- I dislike jewelry- until the wedding (wore it for several years, taking it off every evening then finally just quit, he also wasn’t much of a ring wearer. surgeon I knew quit after losing the second one at the scrub sink- being married does not require ring wearing). I had been thinking, outgrowing my Catholic heritage- willing to chance marriage and divorce if things didn’t work. Also deciding the relationship either went forward or ended soon- remember over thirty- would have been different if younger.
The wedding was in five months- timed around his partners’ and his vacations. Didn’t wait for his parents to get visas (India). Kept it low key- either small or invite the entire medical community- no way as it would not have been about us but just another gathering (and some I would not want to host). My mother had died before we met so no mother-daughter stuff, only sister OOS then…
Back to the thread title. It doesn’t matter who pops the question, just that the couple is on the same page. Whatever works. Traditions don’t work when they are not those of one or both of the couple. Thank goodness we as a society are not stuck in needing to keep to the same religion/ethnic group et al of our ancestors.
PS- so happy to hear I’m on the same page as many others. Nice to hear others’ stories. I feel as though we were a generation ahead of our time- early thirties, nonchurch, casual like nieces and nephews compared to my contemporaries.
Glad I am not the only one with a discussion and no ring proposal. My DH asked me at one point when we just hanging around very early in our relationship and I guess i kind of said yes but did not consider us engaged. Several years later we finally picked a date. At times I wish I had a cute engagement story but 34 years later we are still going strong.
At some point between my oldest and my two younger, the “promposal” thing came to our HS. It was a bit of pressure on the boys, especially the one that had a girlfriend at the time. None of my kids are engaged yet, but I like seeing the photos from my friend’s kids proposals, all of which have looked sweet and thoughtful, not over the top.
Question- who is around to take the photos of the action? The couple may be alone and taking selfies would have to be after the fact and spoil the moment I would think. To me making the decision is a private thing while announcing it minutes/days later is a couples thing.
A lot of times, there seems to be a photographer lurking in the wings who takes photos. It’s kind of weird.