H did propose to me 30 years ago next month. We were already living together and had talked about marriage. He picked out the ring himself which was simple and just my style. We took a hike on a Sunday afternoon to the beach at Torrey Pines and he proposed to me on the large rock on the beach. The joke has always been whether the large rock where he proposed is really on Torrey Pines Beach or is it part of Black’s Beach (clothing optional).
A few more data points:
My wife and I – it was really a matter of discussion over a five-year relationship. Why people might get married and why they might not. We agreed the reason to do it would be for our families and possible children, not so much for us. At some point, we started talking about what dates would fit into our schedules/careers. I probably initiated that, but it was a fait accompli. I got a ring for her a few months after we started planning.
My parents – when they were moving out of the house they had lived in for 40 years, I found some letters from the period when they were involved. My mother basically gave my father an ultimatum: no engagement, no more sex, and she would move on. They were married a few months later, during the brief interlude between his law school graduation and induction into the Army as a draftee.
My son – his wife had to break some strong cultural/religious norms to get involved with him. When it became clear that they liked one another “that way,” there was a series of discussions amounting to seriousness about potential marriage before they ever had an explicit one-on-one date. When it came time for a formal engagement, he asked her father’s permission in exactly the way she told him to, he got her a ring (which she knew about but refused to participate in), and he proposed to her on the day her mother’s astrologist – to whom his future wife had directed him, of course – told him was most auspicious. So while he did ask her, she pretty much produced, directed, and wrote the screenplay.
My daughter – I’m pretty sure it was a discussion. They moved in together after two years of dating, and my daughter said, “If we don’t kill each other before Christmas, we’ll get married.” At least a year before they announced their engagement, they were talking about things like what poems they would like to read at a wedding, and what they might like to name their children. The engagement timing was clearly driven by scheduling her wedding and possible pregnancy around other events in both families’ lives, including their siblings’ weddings.
Happy 15 years, to you too! Crazy, right??
I’m thoroughly enjoying everyone’s responses to this!! Thanks all!
The young man “asking permission” or”blessing” from the young lady’s father seems to be very popular in S and D’s circles of friends. It is happening every time. My S did it, and our new SIL actually asked to speak to both of us. My generation just made an announcement.
Wow. This thread makes me feel like I’ve traveled back in time or into another culture.
Even when I got engaged back in the 1990’s, in my circles at least, women were asking men to marry them with no cultural censure. It was completely normal then, within my subset of American culture. One would think it would be even more normalized by now. And now there also are same-gender marriages to add to the mix.
The asking may be formal, or it may be an informal discussion leading to a mutual decision.
Some couples get a ring after the question is settled; the ring does not appear at the asking. In some cases, the woman is given a ring by the man and the man is given a watch by the woman. Some never get a ring at all, although that is rare in my part of the U.S.
As far as asking parents goes, that would be different for different cultures. If someone had asked my father permission to marry me— and my father was born in 1935 !!!— my father surely would have said a more politely worded variation of, “What are you asking me for? Ask her!”
Now, because of this thread, I am wondering if anyone still says “obey” in their ceremony. I have never attended any wedding where that word was used. I just know of it from books.
Another interesting issue is the walk down the aisle. Dominant culture in the U.S. still has the bride’s dad “giving away” the bride. In Jewish American culture, though, the groom walks down the aisle with both his parents, and the bride walks down the aisle with both her parents. Interesting!
Whatever the scenario, though, whether modern or very traditional or unique to whatever culture either partner claims, hopefully everyone remembers how they decided to get engaged, and their wedding ceremony or non-ceremony, happily, as a very important moment in their lives.
It does not matter HOW as much as it matters that it happened! Cultures and traditions may vary, but knowing that the person you love also loves you enough to want to build the rest of your life together, is a magical moment indeed.
For us, it was a nonproposal and a nonevent. There was a ring, later, and a lot of family drama (his) due to religious differences (probably more than I ever saw).
My son, on the other hand, had a whole situation planned that involved parents and siblings coming in from distant points, a photographer, and everyone in on it but the bride to be. (But they had already talked about an engagement, so whenever he bent down to tie his shoe, she was at the ready…and apparently his shoes became untied several times before the actual event.)
The only thing I don’t like about millennials (and the generation before them - Gen X?) are the over-the-top weddings and engagements. H did “propose” but there was no ring, only wedding bands as we were madly saving for a 4-month long trip to Asia. We decided to do the wedding shortly before we left - this trip-of-a-lifetime seemed like a good way to start a marriage and a wedding (small, just family) like a great way to begin the trip. We’ve been married 37 years.
Just make sure you let us know when this happens. Many of us “old timers” have known you since before you enrolled at York! ??♀️
“Jim, would you marry me?”
I am surprised by this thread. I thought we were past these types of gender expectations. I assumed no one cared anymore who does the asking or calling. Perhaps that’s just my circle.
(BTW, today is our 38th anniversary. After almost five years together, we just set a date. I don’t remember any formal proposal by either of us.)
Happy Anniversary, @ChoatieMom and ChoatieDad!
I proposed to Mr R. No ring, just basically a “hey, want to get married?”
Then he did another proposal once my ring was done as a surprise. But by that time, we had the date picked and other details panned out. It was still sweet and we do have it on film. I cherish it.
I also asked him out. I’m pretty sure if I waited for him to do it, we would still not be together.
I don’t understand why anyone would have an issue with this.
ETA: If he had ever even thought about asking my father for permission, for one - my dad would say no (because we’re not owned by him) and two - that would’ve been the end of our relationship since he clearly knows nothing about me.
Any thoughts on whether the tradition of the man giving the woman an engagement ring will change or stop?
^not if the diamond/jewelry industry has anything to say about it.
Marriage did not appeal to me, but when I met my wife who was visiting my state from another state who would only move to my state if I was serious about the relationship, I told her let’s just get married then. The hardest thing about marriage for me was waking up to another person in bed. If it weren’t for my wife I am almost sure I would not be married.
I’m sure I know what the poster meant by this, but as written it could not be more obvious. I, too, can say that if it were not for my wife, I would not be married.
As I think my parents’ correspondence showed, it was hardly a given in the 1950s that women waited passively to be asked. At least my mother didn’t. Today, I think there’s probably one essential reason why in some cases the man makes a formal proposal: that’s how the particular woman involved wants it. If that’s not how she rolls, that’s not what happens.
[Apologies for being so binary about this. The OP’s question really only makes sense in the ever-diminishing binary portion of the world.]
If it weren’t for insurance and tax benefits, we wouldn’t be married. I don’t see much point in marriage. Literally nothing changed once we got married.
Well, my sister told his very nice, but comfortable boyfriend that it was about time he proposed, or she was gone. He proposed, and they are still together 30 years later.
@NJres my husband and I were the same. We were late 20’s/early 30’s and in love. We knew we wanted to get married and have a family. We also wanted to design our own rings. I’m not big in to schmaltzy proposals or surprises, so I would not have enjoyed that type of situation and my husband understands that about me.
We were married about 6/7 months after our rings were finished and we announced it to family and friends:)
My niece’s husband proposed 3 times – she is the child of an acrimonious divorce&abandonment and was very concerned that marriage would be the end of them. He told her he would stay with her forever, and keep asking because someday she would be ready and he just wanted to call her Mrs.
They were on vacation overseas and she turns to him and says “I’m ready. Marry me” and HE HAD THE RING WITH HIM! Turns out he carried it on every trip, just in case. They’ve been married 10 years, together for 19.