<p>boys don’t handle it better but it is “more” socially acceptable to express anger/frustration etc- by hitting walls or hitting each other
girls go inward- my impression anyway
girls get depressed as reaction to stress- boys get mad
we don’t like to see angry girls</p>
<p>Be aware that for some females cutting behavior can continue into college. The year before I retired from the Office for Civil Rights, we received two complaints from students at colleges involving cutting. We had to educate ourselves on the behavior since we were unaware of it.</p>
<p>I’m very familiar with the whole cutitng thing.</p>
<p>My ex-girlfriend, who I dated for eight months, cut herself constantly. With me on the other end of the phone. I didn’t know what to say. It’s a helpless feeling. I remember times when I’ve plead with her over the phone not to cut herself, begged her and told her that if she still loved me, she wouldn’t do it.</p>
<p>She still did it. She was stubborn. Hence, the ex part.</p>
<p>Mom ofwild child
I’m so sorry. How did your D stop the cutting? So often, it goes along with other self-harm behaviors</p>
<p>The thing we all need to remember, is that girls that cut, often they are the perfectionist, high achievers, with internal and external pressures. My D went to her counselor with friends to see what to do about another friend who was cutting. The friend was really mad, but my D knew she did the right thing. That girl is doing much better.</p>
<p>As far as “keeping my D wayyyy away from kids like that” …you can’t tell who cuts. Being near a cutter doesn’t make one so. My other Ds best friend has been diagonized as depressed and is on medication. Would I keep my D away from her? No way. Their friendship is solid and they need each other. As well, it has taught me Ds that everyone has issues, but not everyone knows how to deal with them. It has actually made my girls better people because they have been there for others. I wouldn’t keep my kids away from someone who has cancer, or aids, or has one leg. At our school, they have meetings for kids led by kids where the kids suffering from depression, eating disorders, cutting, date rape, whatever talk about it. It is so good. It allows for people who are hurting to know there is help and to seek it and to look to each other for support.</p>
<p>Keeping our kids away from this does nothing. it doesn’t protect them. It just makes it where if they know someone who needs help, they ma not want to tell their parents because of parents reactions.</p>
<p>D was cutting during soph year. She put way too much pressure on herself, academically and socially. Outwardly, she was perfect. She had a real meltdown in February of soph year- she attended an elite girls’ prep school in our town and was in a really dysfunctional “triangle” with two of her girlfriends. Add a nasty breakup with BF to that. Her voice teacher suggested that we look at Interlochen for her junior year since D was happiest when surrounded by other young people serious about music. We visited Interlochen and she knew where she needed to be. She also did a brief stint on some meds, but once she got to Interlochen all was well. Not saying she was never emotional again, but she learned how to manage herself. Now, a college soph, she is very mature and has a strong faith. While her struggle was frightening and confusing for all of us, the antics of WildChild were equally monumental. I envy those of you with nice, calm families! You know what? I wouldn’t trade!</p>
<p>mowildchild
sooner or later, everyone faces a real life challenge. we ll hope it is later, when they have more ego strength to deal with such advesity. I am glad your DTR doing well. So many kids call out for help and are not heard</p>
<p>Well, as usual it doesnt take much to elicit strong criticism on this forum, but hey, thats O.K. Here I find myself, once again, defending my very own words (even if they were a tiny bit misquoted and definitely taken out of context).</p>
<p>citygirlsmom~If you read my post as it was intended, you would not have been nearly so offended by my remark. What you quoted as this:
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<p>was actually this:
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<p>If you had taken the time to notice its placement, you would have found that it followed a paragraph which discussed disturbed kids disturbing blogs, not the one which specifically referred to cutting. I have never and will not now apologize for acting as a PARENT, which to my way of thinking, includes protecting my children from unhealthy/dangerous situations, including excessive time spent around unbalanced kids WHO ARE RECEIVING NO HELP.</p>
<p>That said, my daughter has been and remains friendly with the girl to whom I was referring in the paragraph about cutting. No, I do not allow an excessive amount of contact with her (nor does my daughter desire it, frankly) but not because she cuts, but rather because she is exceedingly unbalanced and can be very hurtful and emotionally dangerous in certain moods. My daughter has never been close enough to her to experience this side of her, but Ive seen it and Ive known others who have experienced it.</p>
<p>Sorry to disappoint yall, but Im fairly dang conservative when it comes to parenting. Thats just the way it is, and again, I do not apologize for it. I set standards for my children, and yes, I expect them to be adhered to. So far they have been. I think that the reason why this has worked so beautifully for us is that I am neither a nag nor a spy. My kids are very well aware of what I expect of them in terms of personal conduct, but other than that, they have a great deal of leeway. For example, my oldest son has NEVER had a curfew never. I have had no reason to enforce one. I trust him implicitly. I know his friends and their parents well. And I give him my full and complete trust. He has earned it. If he comes in at 2:00 or 3:00 a.m., it is O.K. with me because I trust him to have been doing the right thing. He has never disappointed me. </p>
<p>Another thing that I have come to believe is that it is not necessarily a given that all teens will stumble and fall on their ways to adulthood. Some do, some dont. I personally was a VERY compliant teen. I had a sense of responsibility and I took it seriously. I may be one of the few folks on this forum who has never 1.) smoked a cigarette (my mom died of lung cancer), 2.) smoked pot or taken any other illegal drug, 3.) drunk myself into oblivion. So far, my three teenage children seem to be following the same path. Thats a GOOD thing. I cannot claim to take credit for this
they are their own people, but I think I have done a good job of 1.) instilling in them the sense of responsibility for and the consequences of their own behavior, and 2.) having the kind of relationship with them in which they would sooner do anything than disappoint me on that type of level (and no, I have not threatened them with a bat—just showered them with unconditional love 
).</p>
<p>I personally resent the implication that I encourage my children to shun those who are depressed or those who suffer from other psychological issues. In fact, if that were true, they would have no relationship with ME because I have struggled with serious depression since I was in college and am currently on a low dose of Celexa (I was raised in a hideously dysfunctional family and have been disowned and disinherited). So you see, to shun and turn from them would be to do the same to myself. You were WAY off base in your remarks. :(</p>
<p>Yes, I WILL continue to protect and watch over my children AS PARENTS SHOULD, and I will NOT sacrifice them on the altar of faux feel-good-ness.</p>
<p>~berurah</p>
<p>Well, Berurah, I think a lot of the issues kids have come from their genetic makeup. I was NOT a compliant teen- when I was growing up life wasn’t as dangerous,but I did the usual drinking, sneaking out to meet boys, fast driving etc. I pushed the limits and I think I have gotten paid back! Sounds like your kids may have compliant personalities. That could make raising them a lot easier than if they were hell-raisers. I have made a lot of parenting mistakes and I hope I have modeled some good traits for my kids as well. I certainly know that there is no foolproof way to turn out emotionally healthy and safe kids. Glad your way worked for you!</p>
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<p>I have six VERY different kids. My oldest son is extemely opinionated and has always insisted on handling things his own way. This trait has not, I am very glad to say, clouded his basically solid judgment. My second is vastly creative but definitely a mom pleaser…same with my third. My younger ones are compliant in school and such, but have their own little personalities they display at home, particularly number 5. On the whole, I would not classify them as overly “compliant”, but they do behave themselves quite well.</p>
<p>~berurah</p>
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<p>momsdream~First of all, I’d like to thank you for your exceedingly respectful tone and your opinion. I always value your input :).</p>
<p>I think I must have been a bit misleading in my statement about keeping my kids away from kids I perceive to be overly troubled or dangerous in some way. In fact, I have done exactly what you have said…I’ve taught my kids to make their own decisions about these things. Yes, I have “walked them through the process” from time to time, particularly with my girls who tend to share more emotional stuff with me anyway. In general I have a personal policy against “banning” stuff. From my observation, it seems to nearly always backfire, so in reality, I rarely, if ever, ban my kids from anything (save for terribly inappropriate movies/video games for the ones too young to handle them). What has worked with my kids is to set a standard of behavior, tell them why it is important, and then trust them to follow through. So far, so good, and well, the proof is in the puddin’, I guess.</p>
<p>Please don’t feel that my kids will be ill-equipped to go out on their own and handle difficult situations requiring a great deal of judgment. In fact, I think they will do beautifully, as they are now. :)</p>
<p>~berurah
p.s. I know who the “dangerous” kids are (not necessarily referring to the girls involved in cutting but to some of the others like my ex-best friend’s daughter) because my kids share nearly everything with me.</p>
<p>
I went through a semi-serious depression in eighth and ninth grade (a messy family situation coupled with social isolation at school). To give you an idea of how bad it was, I used to lean on railings and imagine falling to finally hit the ground. My pain tolerance was too low to actually cut, but I’d run my nails down my wrists until they bled then rip off the scabs when they dried. “Cutting to feel” is definitely an apt description–in my case, much of it was also hurting emotionally to an extent where converting some of those feelings to physical pain felt like a relief.</p>
<p>I still have scars (faded, barely noticeable, but there) but I haven’t “cut” in over a year. I can’t say exactly what changed it for me, but mostly I think it was a change in mindset. The sadness had become something to fall back on–because I was used to it, and it was easier. I can’t remember how, but somehow I realized that I was hurting myself more than the world was. So…I quit.</p>
<p>Admittedly, it wasn’t quite that easy… but I made up my mind to change, and I started to improve. Ending an unfortunate long-term infatuation-obsession last October helped. I’m not perfect, but I’m fine.</p>
<p>I don’t know what I’m trying to prove by writing all this. The best advice that I can give to anyone dealing with a cutter is to offer your unwavering support, and to be available to listen without judging. Don’t commiserate, though–try to bring the cutter’s attention to the positive things in her (it’s usually a she) life, without seeming too fake and cheerful. Never berate her for cutting, or taunt her, or call her ridiculous. I can’t promise that this will work for everyone, but this kind of gentle but firm support is something I wish I’d had.</p>
<p>Sorry if this was tangential and/or incoherent.</p>
<p>Thisyearsgirl–</p>
<p>Thank you for a very brave and wise post (not tangential or incoherent at all). I’m so glad you’re feeling better, and hope you find people you can talk to in real life if you are ever going through a rough patch again. Meanwhile, I really admire your strength and maturity in pulling yourself out of a bad situation and then using your experience to try to help others. :)</p>
<p>helicoptermom – Thank you. :)</p>
<p>thisyearsgirl~</p>
<p>You sound like a very strong and resilient young woman. You have been able to help yourself in a way that many find impossible to do. I so hope that you continue on your recovery and I thank you for sharing this emotionally painful story in an effort to help us better understand this scary phenomenon. I wish you all the best, and please don’t ever hesitate to get some professional help if you feel you need it. It is a sign of strength, not weakness. You sound like a very determined young lady…I just know that you have the brightest of futures ahead of you! Thanks so much for posting! ~berurah</p>
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<p>That’s one very important thing I didn’t mention in my post–the idea that getting help is not a sign of weakness. I asked my parents if I could see a therapist, but because of my dysfunctional family mechanics I never ended up doing it. (My mom seemed amenable at first, but at one point when I did something to upset her said “Kids like you don’t need therapy; kids like you need a proper beating”. My dad ignored it because he refused to admit to himself that I was having problems.) I have friends who have been in therapy, and found it very helpful–definitely something to look into if the person in question agrees.</p>
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<p>Oh, honey, I am soooooo sorry. I can totally understand your predicament though. I, too, was raised in a very dysfunctional family (though not overtly dysfunctional, just the ultra damaging emotional stuff), and my own mother was DEATHLY afraid of mental health professionals. After all, any good therapist would examine the whole family structure, and that was the last thing she wanted. </p>
<p>If necessary, you can approach a school counselor about this. S/he can “suggest” counseling for a student, but if the parents are not compliant, a decision would have to be made as to how far to push it because any further action would require the intervention of social services. At least that is how it is here. </p>
<p>I really applaud your efforts and if nothing else, I hope that you are able to hold onto the thought that your family IS dyfunctional and that your problems are a result of THAT. If you cannot seek outside help now, I would strongly suggest that you do that as one of your first priorites when you leave your parents’ home. </p>
<p>Please keep us posted as to how you are doing…~berurah</p>
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<p>Hey, Thanks for your post! It really gave me some insight into the whole situation. I’m still on very good terms with my ex, and I do worry sometimes about the cutting thing. </p>
<p>I’ve tried all of the above before, but… it really hasn’t worked. She’s rather happy now, but what if this happens again? I’ve never been more concerned with anyone like I am with her…</p>
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<p>Exactly. </p>
<p>As it were, I did try to see the school counselor (an utterly misdirected woman who uses outdated slang to appeal to teenagers), and she did compile a list of names. My parents, on their part, arranged a meeting with the head of the school to discuss me, the “problem child” (if that term can be used for a BWR straight-A student with a clear record). He asked the counselor for her list. That’s as far as we ever went with that. It would be nice to have someone to talk to, but I don’t think it’s as acutely necessary as it was last year–I’ve made close friends at school, and feel comparatively well-adjusted…which makes the fights at home easier to wait out.</p>
<p>I didn’t post here to talk about my issues, though… I found the story of the group of girls cutting/burning together disturbing, and truly sad. It’s just beyond me how something like self-mutilation can be perceived as “cool” or “trendy”. :eek:</p>
<p>(Thank you for your support.)</p>
<p>tlaktan – Does her happiness seem stable, or do you think it’s something fleeting? As long as she doesn’t show any signs of depression, I don’t think you should be too concerned, but focus more on just being a good friend to her and having fun together. If it seems to resurface, try to talk to her about why she feels sad, and what you think would make it better. Don’t just talk, though–make sure you hang out normally and do things you both enjoy.</p>
<p>Best of luck.</p>