<p>Bromfield, it was very kind of you to contribute so that your MIL could live more comfortably. It was also very big hearted of you to assume a greater portion of the payments because you were in the position to do so. In many families, some members feel that help should be equally divided, regardless of differences in finances. You sound like a very giving person to me. I also agree that one asks for financial help privacy with regard to finances is out the window.</p>
<p>“The in-laws have a beautiful summer home that we already pay taxes and utilities on. … They own a beautiful boat. They vacation in warmer weather 6 weeks in the winter. They live in another townhome that they just took out a reverse mortgage on.”</p>
<p>And they’re asking for cash from children with college-age kids. It seems clear that the FIL has reached a new phase in his life, one that requires some support (and I don’t mean financial support). You may not be able “fix” what’s ailing the FIL, but you can certainly help him reorganize his affairs. Yes the financial planner can help. But the real work of helping the FIL and the family come to some understanding of what’s ahead will have to be done by those involved. I’d suggest doing this BEFORE making any financial arrangements.</p>
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That was me. My religion and culture are different, so her wishes were strange to me. The very elaborate wake, purchase of a robe for a priest, lunch for 200 are the norm and she wrote a letter asking us to do that for her. My husband and his sister agreed because it’s what they were used to. I felt terrible in saying no because she’d been treated so badly by her husband and son, but we didn’t have the $20,000 that we had to shell out for that.</p>
<p>My MIL has enough money to keep her comfortably. Any severe emergency can deplete her not just immediately but for her future. She is in good health in terms of life threatening conditions, but deteriorating in limbs and other body parts. Brain is in good shape. Her family lives in three figures, and it looks like she will too. So when a financial/physical crisis arose,we stepped in. She now feels that we should pay for everything for her since we did while she stayed with us for 8 months. It was a shock this Thanksgiving when I refused to pay a cent for anything. If she wanted to eat out, she would have to pay for all of us. The same with the movies. Our luxury was going down there to spend the time with her. Not eating out or shopping or paying for entertainment. Well, I think she was shocked at how fast the money went. Let’s enjoy some fresh oyster stew with the turkey sandwiches, and some steamed shrimp. $80 at the docks. Let’s go see a movie–$60 with a drink and popcorn. Let’s eat out at Arby’s --$70. Get some extra groceries for “wants” instead of making do with what’s there,$100. Let’s go to the bookstore $100+ with hot chocolate and coffee and snacks at the cafe. Let’s eat out for brunch $100+. Try those yummy cakes at the new bakery $30. I had preordered groceries for the Thanksgiving dinner and the rest of the weekend for us that cost $135. The rest was all extra, as far as I was concerned. She was shocked at how much the weekend cost, because that is what it cost HER, not us.</p>
<p>I think if you care that much about your funeral you should prepay it. As far as I’m concerned the family can do what they want in terms of services, but I’d like my body to go to science - either to the anatomy class or donated organs whatever is feasible.</p>
<p>I agree, mathmom. I will try to follow the directions, but if the funeral is not prepaid, and if the estate has no money, I would stay as close to the directions as possible but within my budget.</p>
<p>My wish is to be cremated promptly and my ashes sprinkled over Fort Wadsworth. No wake, no service. Just the loving memories of my family.</p>
<p>Just an added thought…please include both FIL AND MIL on the discussions regarding the finances. Odds are that MIL will outlive FIL…and she needs to be at least aware of the financial situation.</p>
<p>A little Minnesota speak here: </p>
<p>Which property are they homesteaded on? You already are paying on the lake place. Is that the homestead or is the townhouse? Would it work out better financially to flip around the homestead since it sounds like they are splitting the year pretty evenly. Our rundown cabin on a non prestigious lake runs a little over $3000 per year in taxes. Our homestead house will run about $5000 but it is worth more than twice the cabin. So the tax rate on the bigger more expensive house is less than the tax rate on the Aframe. Thinking out loud here, makes me wonder if your inlaws’ cabin might be more valuable than the townhouse, and maybe the tax break ought to go that way. Could be a way to save a couple thousand a year, or am I confusing myself?</p>
<p>Dare I ask why you have been paying the taxes etc for the cabin?</p>
<p>I too am stunned at their asking for money. You’re already paying for taxes, etc., for the vacation home; I don’t see why you would do that w/o some kind of compensation. Just say no. If they ask why, tell them that everything you know of their finances suggests that they can afford a comfy lifestyle without your help. I suspect FIL won’t ever disclose his finances, and I wouldn’t give him a dime w/o knowing he was in distress.</p>
<p>As for honoring funeral wishes, my dearly beloved grandmother made it clear she wanted her services at the same funeral home she’d used before for family, but it was in a horrible neighborhood – Dad said nobody would come if we had it there – and so they chose their own funeral home.</p>
<p>Although I am not advocating a “I’ll show mine if you show yours” meeting, I think you need to let your family know what you are facing in terms of needs and plans. I know our family thinks of us as rich. We do have a larger income because H has a high paying job, but we also live in a very, very expensive area with very high taxes and have a big expensive house that costs a lot to maintain. We are not in the position with this market to get rid of the house feeding this now white elephant is the best move for us financially which does not leave much money each month. We have our kids in private schools and have two in college. We do not want to pull them from there. We want our younger ones to have as much flexibility in college choice as we can give them. We want to make sure we have retirement money, and most importantly of all an emergency fund for true problems. We have had such problems in our extended and nuclear family. And we know a lot of folks who have had some tough,tough times when they did not have those reserves. Heartbreaking. It does not sound like FIL is in that situation at the time. </p>
<p>Also, if you are paying towards the vacation house, you should be getting a pro rata portion of the equity in the house if it should be sold. This should all be documented. The most responsible thing anyone can do is keep himself and his immediate family in good financial shape, because if there is an urgent situation that requires money, you at least have some buffer there. You are not going to help anyone if you find yourself under. I think you may want to offer financial advice if FIL is willing to give the info. Since you have managed to have your financial situation in balance, and he needs financial help, it makes sense that he has you go over what is going wrong in his situation.</p>
<p>Well, the letter has arrived and we are being asked to provide monthly payments. I am a little disappointed since there was no apology, no explanation, no nothing. Just here is what we need and could you please send the check this month. We are trying to get siblings on board for a meeting with financial planner and parents. We can afford the monthly payment but it does take away from our retirement savings and ability to save for extra college expenses and future wedding plans for Ds. I am a little peeved that FIL allowed this to get to this situation with no communication to my H as he will be the executor of thier estate. Wish us luck!</p>
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<p>Just say no…no apology, no explanation, no nothing.</p>
<p>Yeah, it sounds like a big fat no needs to be sent. What noive!!</p>
<p>I know…just like a drug commercial! Three of the siblings (Male) are being asked to contribute equally but the sister is being asked to contribute “whatever she can send.” That doesn’t sit well with me either. She is married, has three younger kids, lives in a nice house, her hubby has a good job…don’t know why they left it like that. I puy a call in to her but haven’t received a reply yet. I know H will pay the monthly fee even though he is upset with parents but I also know he will enforce the financial planner piece. I worry about their future unexpected expenses coming back to haunt us!</p>
<p>I vow to never be a burden to my kids/grandkids! grrrr… Guess I better start updating my will! ;)</p>
<p>Why would your husband pay the monthly fee before having his parents meet with a financial planner? I’d protest that, a lot, because it sets a precedent. My checkbook would be closed until financial restructuring had occurred.</p>
<p>I vote for no, too. I hadn’t noticed this thread until today, and all I can say after reading it is: wow. My father left my mother with no pension, no cash, no real estate, no other assets. So now, in her mid-80s, she is severely disabled and her children do help with her expenses in a very modest assisted living home (she has social security, but that’s it). In your situation, I am thoroughly appalled that the parents are healthy and do have substantial assets yet feel it is appropriate to make this demand on their adult children.</p>
<p>I think if the parents have not ‘grown up’ by now, it’s a good time to make them do so. Say NO. I am truly shocked by their ‘request’. Best luck to you both!</p>
<p>I agree with geezermom, my reaction is wow! Where did they come up with this? Since it’s not a part of your culture it’s just shocking. Did they ever tell the kids they had such expectations? Do their friend do this? Do they know enough about the children’s finances to know how this will impact them?</p>
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<p>My father set limits on what he would contribute to college. He said that he had to take care of his parents and contribute to the care of my mom’s mom and that the best gift you could give a child was to never be financially dependent on that child. IMO he was absolutely right.</p>
<p>I’d not only “decline” your parents’ demand, I’d make sure that YOU don’t financially strap yourself by paying (or worse borrowing or mortgaging) for college educations at a level you cannot afford.</p>